Heaven11 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I KNOW THIS IS LONG BUT PLEASE READ AND HELP ME 4 I AM AT A LOSS; I'M HEARTBROKE AND DON'T KNOW WHAT 2 DO WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP>>> My boyfriend of over 2 yrs. is 28, I'm 36. I'm his 1st serious girlfriend since 1 he had back in HS. He's an only child. I'm 1 of 5. The only real family he has is his mother which he hasn't seen in years since she lives far away. I have a huge family. Just 2 give u background. Here's the story. We have a passionate & very satisfying sexual relationship. But we argue constantly. When we're not arguing we get along really, really good. It's like a rollercoaster. I've xpressed 2 him that I can't bear it. It's so bad that at 1 point I got pregnant & had an abortion because of severe fighting and lack of support on his behalf. We were arguing very intensely & I totally broke down & made a bad decision. We have since repented and have vowed 2 love 1 another & work on the relationship since we no doubt love each other very much. We talked about working towards marriage and how that decision hurt us so much we wanted 2 have another chance if God allowed that blessing again. We've been thru a LOT in the past 2 yrs. 2gether. I've always been way more support 2 him than he's been of me tho, and as a result I've acted out in anger which I know is wrong. We've actually both at times screamed, called names, and even got physical. (NO striking or hitting or I would've left him long ago.) I have never caught him in the act of cheating, but I am at the point that I think there's infidelity. He swears 2on his life & his mother's that he's never been intimate with anybody else or lied. HERE'S THE QUESTION: If he does things that he knows will upset u (like hiding things, acting strange in front of friends, etc. things that basically make a woman doubt faithfulness) and have caused arguments in the past..... but does it ANYWAY.... then when I REACT he says then he doesn't want 2 be with me anymore (although b4 the "act" that causes the fight he loves me & does) then gives me total silent treatment EVERY time IS SOMETHING GOING ON?? Or am I wrong? We don't live 2gether but right b4 this last fight we were looking at getting a place 2gether. Did he purposely start a fight 2 upset me so I would end it? This is all over him acting very strange while on the phone with me at his friend's house. He was talking 2 me like I was a guy. And telling me things he had already said earlier in the day, etc. So I asked him if anybody else was there & his response was "r u serious?" VERY suspicious. Then I heard a girl's message on his phone (he uses and checks mine so wth) that said "this is so-&-so. Gimme a call back" and when I asked him that SAME nite how this particular girl got his new number he 1st said he "didn't know" then gave me like 5 different stories when i pressed! This was in person after he left his "friend's" house... I did something I've never done (only him) & threw a cold frappucino at him. (from a distance). I then went 2 his house the next day 2 get some answers and he wouldn't say a word. He walked out. I then again got very angry (after going thru this a million times my frustration has finally gotten 2 me. I think he's playing games with me!) So is this silent treatment just an out 2 cheat or is he just trying 2 control me or hurt me or what? I'm sick of the emotional rollercoaster this guy puts me thru. I am a decent woman, very loving, caring, yes I have my faults and no I'm not a jealous or hateful person. I don't normally have a temper (I'm usually a very laid back happy person and have successful relationships with everybody else). I am normally very patient (a quality he claimed 2 love about me) and cool headed. But this guy is bringing out the worst in me. I despise dishonesty and infedelity so when I think I see signs of it over and over I have finally gotten angry. I have been pretty good 2 this guy.... started getting upset when I noticed signs of dishonesty and inconsideration. In fact I have begged him so many times not 2 hide anything from me because it's dishonesty that upsets me. I don't care if he's with his friends or has female friends. I xpect him 2! I told him this! But I have found out about him going out and having friends in other ways (like a tagged pic on Facebook I KNOW he wasn't xpecting me 2 c. Esp. after telling me the day b4 that he has not gone out 2 any bars or been out while I was gone out of state 4 fam.) I just don't like the inconsistent behavior. 1 week we're making passionate love & feel so good and secure and the next not speaking, heartbroken, suspicious, depressed and lonely. I feel like I'm wasting my time. This is a pattern with him. Get this: When he gets upset about something we must deal with it right then and there. He hates 2 be upset and not get 2 the bottom of it or talk about it. When I get upset it's no listening, no answers, no compromise, just this silent treatment. And maybe a "I didn't do anything wrong." Then usually a week or 2 later (It varies) usually by the time I'm positive it's a wrap, he'll start calling me like crazy wanting 2 xplain himself or apologize, says he loves me and when I tell him I'm moving on it's over he's like no no no.. etc... He said the last time this happened, "U know u can't be with anybody else and neither can I! I've tried but I can't be without u! I hate that I'm in love with u!!" I am 2 a dizzying point where I don't know what 2 believe. I'm leaning toward if he makes me feel this miserable HE'S NOT WORTH IT. Hey, I don't need a guy 2 buy me things or spend money on me but hey, almost 2 and a half years, 1 rose, 1 card, doesn't celebrate holidays because his mom, not him, is a Jehovah's Witness, almost never took me out or bought me anything really.... no engagement, no living 2gether, just a lot of time spent 2gether making plans not following thru................What do u think I should do? What is he really up 2??????? UGH!
NiceGuy4Ever Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Okay first of all from what you tell me it pretty much looks like this relationship isn't working out. Your have a Love/Fight relationship in which one moment your the best couple in the world and the next all hell is about to break loose. This is not a healthy relationship and I do suggest get out of it. To me it seems pretty obvious he's hiding something and I have to sadly say it does sound like he's cheating on you. For one, he has texts of some girl who he makes up five stories for. Two, after YOU get upset for anything he automatically give you the silent treatment in order to not have to (I believe) say anything incriminating. Three, he is not being honest with anything. This guy seems to be causing more troubles than you need to bear. I'm sad to say but drop him like a rock. Your better than this and you deserve better. If you keep going on the obvious future is more problems, more stress, and more insecurity which will ultimately end the relationship. But i'm not saying he is cheating on you, though I must admit the evidence put forth does seem a bit so, but i do feel you don't need to put up with his crap. Hope this helps.
Author Heaven11 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Wow, U answered quickly. I'm brand new on here so I wasn't xpecting a response so fast. THANK U 4 ur advice. I've been googling this subject & reading other stories and "signs of cheating" etc. then decided I would spill my guts and tell mine. The signs of cheating aren't so much like him... but some r. It's confusing. I've never smelled perfume, no late nite calls, his profiles (myspace and facebook) online say he's in a relationship and I'm on it, I haven't ever caught him lying 2 me til recently and even then I dont know if it's lies or him being afraid of my reaction (?) like nervousness maybe... but he DOES get defensive when I ask him simple questions, he DOES walk away when I get upset and DOES give me silent treatments 4 periods of time, he DOES act weird out of the blue at times like he's hiding something and I can sense it, (I read everywhere 2 pay attention 2 that instinct) & he DOES show small signs like acting differently in front of his friends occasionally (this last time was the worst, he wouldn't even walk away 4 a minute 2 talk 2 me when I asked him 2. I thought maybe he jus didn't want 2 b embarrassed/being macho/whatever but he actually left his "friend's" 2 come meet me and talk this last time. The minute he left he was angry, calling me and acting back 2 "normal") There have been plenty of times he talked 2 me normally in front of them, even saying I love u at the end of convo... so it's inconsistent! I'm just simply tired of going thru this!!! It's so frustrating when I feel like something is going on but I can't c it... He's making me feel "crazy" when I know I'm not. If the girl is just a friend, y not just come out and say yes she's my friend and I gave her my number? Instead of "I don't know" or maybe Mike (his friend) gave it 2 her THEN telling me well maybe I gave it 2 her last time I saw her (which he claimed was over a year ago at 1 point, but he didn't have this new number then)..... c y I'm going crazy? I'm wondering if he's just afraid of my reaction? Because that's been his xplanation b4.... EVEN THOUGH I tell him if he's just honest I wont be upset!!! Loser, I'm thinking, right?????
sugarmomma Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Sounds like a case of 'Lust gone Bad'. Good sex can make you feel like you're soul mates but it is a lie. He is a total loser that you are allowing to play you like a fiddle. I don't blame him since people can only do to us what we allow and you keep taking him back after he displays blatant disrespect for you. I would suggest you drop him like a hot rock and stand on it. stop having sex with him cuz it is messing with yo mind!!!!!!
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