How do i break the habit of not having things my way?

June 27, 2009

Ok I've been dating this guy for about 7 months now. I have seen him almost every weekend(with the exception of his family being here for 2 weeks). When he decides that he wants to go out, for some odd reason, i get really upset for him wanting to not hang out with me instead. We get into a argument and i start getting myself into deep **** and saying things i really don't mean. But i should mention, he always changes his mind at the last minute after committing to something. If he says we are gonna get together on Saturday and say today is Wednesday. By time Friday comes he will say "we might have to get together Sunday because i wanna go out saturday". I am always with him on weekends and when something changes i get all bent out of shape.

Is this me being selfish?

Is it me being mad because i don't get my way?

Is it me being mad because of the last minute notification?

Please give me some advice on how to break the habit of not having everything your way and being impatient.

June 27, 2009

in all honesty, it's you being needy. of course, it's unpolite of him to go back on original plans.. but, getting mad at him solves nothing. what do you wish to acomplish by getting mad with him? if he changes his mind because you're mad, then he'd be hanging out with you but, it wouldn't be sincere. if you feel that he is not consistant in the relationship then you should have a talk with him about it and he should work on it or, you should cut ties and find someone that better suits you.

June 27, 2009

I disagree. You are not being needy at all- it's great that you're giving your bf crap for cancelling plans with you so he can go out and do something else. I would be pissed off! It doesn't matter if it's a boyfriend, friend or relative- they better have a good reason to cancel rather than wanting to go out.

However.... if you are always with him on his days off (ie weekends), I can understand why he'd want to go out on his own for a bit sometimes. You could propose some solutions to solve this problem- plan something ahead of time and stick to it. If he thinks he wants to keep a day open so he can go do his own thing, he has to tell you that he wants to keep it open and make plans for another day with you. Switch out days, so that it's not always on weekends that you spend time together.

He may be resenting that you are always with him on his free time and feels obligated to spend ALL of his time with you since it's the weekend when he wants to do other things. He may be making plans with you with no intentions of getting together with you to please you and to ease his guilt. But in the long run, his wants wins over and he decides to cancel, making you upset and causes this problem. I bet he doesn't feel good doing it but doesn't see any choice because he wants to make you happy.

So.... switch out the days, see him sometimes during the week and sometimes on the weekends as opposed to every weekend. Break it up! Be considerate of each other.

June 27, 2009

I also disagree - I don't think you're being needy. If he commits to something, he shouldn't change his mind at the last minute - that's just rude, and I would be angry with anyone who did that, be they friend or boyfriend or relative. You don't need to break the habit of having everything your own way; you don't have a habit that needs breaking, it's perfectly reasonable to expect someone to stick to plans they already made with you, and to feel annoyed when they let you down.

However, you shouldn't be upset that he wants to do things that don't involve you, he still has the right to a life of his own. You need to separate your feelings that he shouldn't do things without you and your annoyance at having your plans cancelled - being annoyed at having your plans cancelled is perfectly reasonable, while being annoyed that he wants to spend time with his friends is not.

Basically he needs to put aside time for his friends and time for you, and stop being so ill mannered and cancelling on you at the last minute. Perhaps you could see him on week nights and sometimes give him a weekend night free to see his friends?

June 27, 2009

I'm seeing two separate problems:

1. You get insecure/needy when he wants to spend time on his own.

2. He isn't reliable when it comes to making/sticking to firm plans with you.

The first one is yours to "fix" on your own, though I suspect when he smartens up about the second you may not feel so crappy about the first.

The second. Figure out more specifically how you feel when he ditches his plans with you in favour of doing something without you. Find the words that most accurately describe your feelings. Then tell him, in a clear, direct and kind way, how his attitude and actions are impacting you. More importantly, tell him what will be the consequences if he continues to do it. (You will dump him, yes?)

Your habit of saying things that you don't mean is a third problem, of course. Possibly it's just that you don't take the time to figure out your actual thoughts and feelings, so your mouth just kind of "goes off" without your brain and heart getting involved?

Solution revolves around taking your time, learning to crystallize your thoughts and accurately identify your emotions, and learning how to communicate your thoughts, needs, preferences and dislikes, honestly, directly, clearly and lovingly -- positive and assertive communications.

A really good resource for learning about, and communicating, one's own emotional needs is the questionnaire and related articles at marriagebuilders.com (it really ought to be called "relationship builders" -- there is good basic stuff for every person who is old enough to date.)

Good luck.

June 27, 2009

Thank you all for your feedback.

Ok when he does wanna go out right? I make suggestions like "How about i still come over and you still go out"? Because by the time he is going out it's about 11:00 pm which means, i can go to sleep while he is gone and that way he still get to go out and have me over when he comes back from going out. He declines and say just wait until Sunday. I only get to see him on weekends so it's not like we see each other to much. he gets upset with me for being mad about the situation but yet fail to realize that he is committing to a situation when he gives the answer "Yes" when i ask to hang out with him. So then again, i do have a reason for to be upset.

Now what real excuse does he have? If i say, "i'll still come over and you can still go out." His reply is "i just don't wanna do that." Should i accept that as an answer or complain about it? He is still getting to go out right? so whats the big deal? He is a scorpio BTW if that helps.

June 27, 2009

You seem very clingy to me. Why do you want to go over to his house when he's out anyway? Don't you have a life of your own? I'm sure he doesn't want to go out and have the pressure of thinking about you hanging around waiting for him to come home. I think if he's going out on Saturday night you should just let him go, maybe go out somewhere yourself with your own friends, and just see him on Sunday. Is there a reason why you can't see him mid-week instead of on Saturday night? Seeing someone only at the weekend isn't much of a relationship imo.

June 27, 2009

You seem very clingy to me. Why do you want to go over to his house when he's out anyway? Don't you have a life of your own? I'm sure he doesn't want to go out and have the pressure of thinking about you hanging around waiting for him to come home. I think if he's going out on Saturday night you should just let him go, maybe go out somewhere yourself with your own friends, and just see him on Sunday. Is there a reason why you can't see him mid-week instead of on Saturday night? Seeing someone only at the weekend isn't much of a relationship imo.

I see him mid week depending on our schedules at work. We mostly get off late sometimes during the week so that's one of the reason. We get together when we can during mid week. I agree, that sometimes i am to clingy because i think I've gotten to use to seeing him every weekend and when something changes, i get bent out of shape. I do have a life of my own and i guess your right about the part about me going to his house. He has mention the same exact thing you said about going to his house. I mostly see my friends during the week and i am working so that explains my end. He may not get to see his friends during the week, which is why he probably wants to go out and see them on Saturday. I guess i am being a little to clingy. Besides, it's not like I'm not gonna see him the next day. I think I'm just to impatient for certain things. But really, the only real thing that kills me is the whole committing to something then changing at the last minute. If he doesn't give me a direct answer so early, and just say i don't know instead, that will make things alot easier. That way i don't have my mind set on seeing on him on a specific day.

Honestly though, i want him to break his lonely habit and wake up and see that it's 2 now instead of one. If we lived together this is what it will be, but i guess i should not worry about that yet until that comes.

June 27, 2009

I agree with Thornton -- wanting to, and being okay with, hanging out at your b/f's place by yourself does not show too much independence, self-reliance or self-confidence.

You're preferring to call it "impatience" about "not getting your own way" but it may be something stronger than that? Possibly fear of losing him (fear of abandonment/rejection) that you want to try to prevent/control from happening by just always being around?

But really, the only real thing that kills me is the whole committing to something then changing at the last minute. If he doesn't give me a direct answer so early, and just say i don't know instead, that will make things alot easier. That way i don't have my mind set on seeing on him on a specific day.

That IS a problem that is going to bite the relationship in its' ass! If you want to turn things around, you are going to have to express your upset, say how you want to be treated, and set your boundary (decide the consequence and be prepared to carry through.)

How do you feel when he makes last-minute changes to his plans with you? Disrespected...unimportant...devalued...taken for granted...as if your feelings don't count...uncared for? All the above?

Aim for something like, "When you _<offending activity>_, I feel _<list all>_, and I don't like feeling like that nor do I deserve to feel like that. If this pattern continues, then I will ____."

And be prepared to do what you say you will do. That is, don't just use it as an ultimatum, to try to manipulate/control his behaviour...use it to ensure that you're always treated the way that you want and deserve.

In reality, there are still two individuals...PLUS one relationship. To just see it as "2 instead of one" puts a distorted/inaccurate view on things, which most likely will lead to unreasonable and unrealistic expectations, which always leads to frustration and disappointment.

June 27, 2009

I agree with the other posters, that there's two sides to this problem and this last minute change thing has got to go and so does crowding him.

He's not prioritizing you as #1 in his life, if he's making last minute changes. He doesn't value your time since you're always there for him. In essence, he's taking you for granted. Don't push him for anymore time.

Here's my immature solution to the situation.

Tell him that you understand that he needs a day with his friends, so he can have Saturday. Then make sure you're always going out with your friends on Saturday.

Also, don't make future plans. Let him make the plans for other days and realize he has to do some work to get your time, as you have a life and also, are a busy girl.

If he wants to honestly be with you, he'll step up to the plate. If he doesn't, he'll wander off, which answers the question of how much he values you and your time.

Last but not least, never fear loss of anyone who's not all in.

June 27, 2009

OK I spoke with him and told him that from now on if i ask him to hang out, just say "I don't know" from now on if he think he might wanna do something else. I explained to him that when i do ask him to hang out, saying yes is committing and he said he completely understood where i was coming from. In fact he has now changed his plan and said he doesn't even wanna go out now. Is he just not going out to please me? i asked him, he said no. When he changed i told him that i hope he didn't change his plans just to make me feel better. I actually had told him to go out and he said no he rather be with me instead.

So what do ya'll think i got through to him or what?

June 27, 2009

Sounds to me like you're only addressing one side of the issue. And yes, he's doing it out of feeling bad.

June 27, 2009

Sounds to me like you're only addressing one side of the issue. And yes, he's doing it out of feeling bad.

So what should i have done? i told him how i felt and he understood. Do you think i should just tell him to go out with his friends?

June 27, 2009

So what should i have done? i told him how i felt and he understood. Do you think i should just tell him to go out with his friends?

I think you should have told him that you totally understood that he needed time to be with his friends but that he also needs to understand that last minute plan changes aren't acceptable, from the aspect of respecting your time and prioritizing you as someone important in his life.

June 27, 2009

I think you should have told him that you totally understood that he needed time to be with his friends but that he also needs to understand that last minute plan changes aren't acceptable, from the aspect of respecting your time and prioritizing you as someone important in his life.

Ok i will do.

June 27, 2009

Ok i will do.

Yup, give him some space so he doesn't feel crowded.

It's easy for me to give you advice that's more middle of the road. I would personally have been a lot harsher, in that I would have given him some serious space, possibly permanent space. But then, that's just me and I'm fully willing to admit that if a relationship doesn't meet my needs, I'm gone.

June 28, 2009

In fact he has now changed his plan and said he doesn't even wanna go out now.

That's an important piece of information about him -- he changes his plans on the spur of the moment and, apparently, doesn't think anything of it. It's saying something about HIM, not about the people he has plans with.

There's nothing inherently "bad/wrong" with living in the moment, and doing whatever we most feel like doing in the 'now'. And it's totally fine if one is last-minute choosing between two groups of friends because that is unlikely to impact a specific individual.

So, maybe it's about kindly and patiently educating him that, when he makes plans with ONE person, it will negatively impact that person if he only listens to his 'in the moment' preferences without considering that it's leaving the other person 'high and dry', so to speak.

As TBF says, though, there are also your own tendencies towards clinginess and saying what you don't mean for you to deal with.

June 28, 2009

That's an important piece of information about him -- he changes his plans on the spur of the moment and, apparently, doesn't think anything of it. It's saying something about HIM, not about the people he has plans with.

There's nothing inherently "bad/wrong" with living in the moment, and doing whatever we most feel like doing in the 'now'. And it's totally fine if one is last-minute choosing between two groups of friends because that is unlikely to impact a specific individual.

So, maybe it's about kindly and patiently educating him that, when he makes plans with ONE person, it will negatively impact that person if he only listens to his 'in the moment' preferences without considering that it's leaving the other person 'high and dry', so to speak.

As TBF says, though, there are also your own tendencies towards clinginess and saying what you don't mean for you to deal with.

Yea i think he really thought about it and i really got through to him. As soon as i explained to him how i was feeling and 20 min later he called me back with a change of heart. But he is one of those guys who doesn't like to plan ahead. At the same time he just can't do that to people at the last min all the time. I know this guy very well and what kills me is he make it like he has to do this and that when i know he doesn't. Sometimes when im with him he can't even think of things to do.

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How do i break the habit of not having things my way?

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