sadangrywife Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I have no idea what to make of this and need to just vent and see what others think. My husband is away on a family trip with his cousins. I'm at home, and while I've been home I've been taking care of some projects around the house and yard. Yesterday, I opened a cabinet on our patio to see if anything needed to be cleaned out or thrown away and I found a pair of my husband's boxers inside. I was shocked to see them there. They were inside out and there were brown dried up bugs on them. They were also torn. At first I slammed the door and tried to just sit down and ask, "why would his underwear be outside?". Then I looked more closely and saw that there was a larger round hole and a smaller tear in them. Not on a seam like if you split your pants by accident, but it looked like they were ripped. The holes were on the back of his boxers. We have had issues before. I caught him calling women on phone sex lines when we were engaged and he swore he would never do it again. I feel so stupid because since then, I caught him again (found a number on a phone bill). He also has a porn habit that I can't stand but that he says is just a "guy" thing. I made him go to therapy as a condition of us staying married and he hasn't been in a while. I don't know how long these boxers have been out there, but I would guess a month or longer probably. The patio is near the garage where he comes in after work so I can't help but wonder if he stashed them there before he came in from work. My question is why they would be off of him at all!!! I don't know what to think. You would think if he really had something to hide he would throw them away, not stash them somewhere I walk by every day five times a day. I don't ever have to go in that cabinet though outside for anything. Insight? I'm thinking the worst of course.
D-Lish Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 That's a bit weird. Are you sure they are his? It's too odd to speculate what happened- I think you are going to have to ask him!
lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 um, honestly, that sounds extremely strange.. but, who knows? why don't you just try asking him? you need to catch him when you know he has time to talk, no texts or calls.. face to face, and see how he responds. his response should tell you what you need to know, or there is a chance he'll be honest.
Author sadangrywife Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Yes, they are his because I bought them for him. They were part of a set of three which is why I probably never noticed they were missing. I found out about this last night and I've been over and over it in my head for 24 hours now. He will be back from his trip this weekend. I have no idea how to even bring it up because in the past when I have caught him in things, he has managed to try to lie to me in such a way that I start to think I'm going crazy. I usually figure out a way to get the truth out of him though. The last time I caught him with the phone sex thing, I was about a day away from filing for divorce because I couldn't imagine dealing with this over and over again. We have a child too which makes it all that much harder.
Author sadangrywife Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Maybe I need a guy's opinion. Why would you hide your own underwear from your wife? Why would your underwear be torn AND hidden outside from your wife? I mean, to me it seems like he did something with someone and things got out of hand and they were torn. Why else hide them?
D-Lish Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I'd pretend like you aren't suspicious when you are asking him. Laugh and say "btw- I found your undies out back!!! Did you have a drunk moment or something?" Judge his reaction. If he thinks you aren't thinking anything of it, he'll have no reason to get defensive. If he gets defensive, or looks like a deer caught in the headlights- you'll get a sense of whether or not he is lying. If you approach him with suspicion- he'll respond defensively regardess. Honestly, I can't imagine what the hell could have led to this! If he had cheated at work, wouldn't he have thrown his undies out before coming home????
Author sadangrywife Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 I'd pretend like you aren't suspicious when you are asking him. Laugh and say "btw- I found your undies out back!!! Did you have a drunk moment or something?" Judge his reaction. If he thinks you aren't thinking anything of it, he'll have no reason to get defensive. If he gets defensive, or looks like a deer caught in the headlights- you'll get a sense of whether or not he is lying. If you approach him with suspicion- he'll respond defensively regardess. Honestly, I can't imagine what the hell could have led to this! If he had cheated at work, wouldn't he have thrown his undies out before coming home???? You would think so. I'm totally confused. All I can think of, and this is worrying me, is that he stopped somewhere on the way home. I vaguely remember him coming home (I don't know how long ago this was by the way...could have been two months or six months ago because it was such a random thing) and I thought I heard that cabinet open and shut before he came in the door. I wish to God I had made a note of it in my head or noted the time he came home or something.
Upstatesucka Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Wow, call me crazy but is there any chance he was just using them as a rag???
Gamine Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I'd go to the hardware store and buy a pole. I'd hang them onto it like a flag and stick it directly into the yard like a flag at half mast. Then, I'd be totally casual. Wait for him to ask you about the underwear on the flagpole in the front yard. Let the mountain come to Muhammad.
D-Lish Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I'd go to the hardware store and buy a pole. I'd hang them onto it like a flag and stick it directly into the yard like a flag at half mast. Then, I'd be totally casual. Wait for him to ask you about the underwear on the flagpole in the front yard. Let the mountain come to Muhammad. Nice one!
JamesM Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I am puzzled as to why he would hide underwear. Unless you have DNA evidence on the undies, I am wondering why YOU think he hid them there. If he hid them after he came home, then why there and why are they still there? It is entirely possible that the rag idea is valid. If he had phone sex before, could he have had a DNA accident while on the phone? Or is it some other strange reason. I am curious what others think, but I am still puzzled that you immediately jump to the "he is cheating" reason. To me this indicates that the underlying problem is not the underwear but a lack of trust that lingers from his past apparent infidelities.
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Call me naive but I`m guessing it was used as a rag. While it`s kind of gross thinking about using underwear as a rag, boys will be boys!
Author sadangrywife Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 I am puzzled as to why he would hide underwear. Unless you have DNA evidence on the undies, I am wondering why YOU think he hid them there. If he hid them after he came home, then why there and why are they still there? It is entirely possible that the rag idea is valid. If he had phone sex before, could he have had a DNA accident while on the phone? Or is it some other strange reason. I am curious what others think, but I am still puzzled that you immediately jump to the "he is cheating" reason. To me this indicates that the underlying problem is not the underwear but a lack of trust that lingers from his past apparent infidelities. There is a trust issue that lingers. It seems that about every 6-9 months there is an "issue". Phone sex is the one that never seems to go away. We've had problems lately. Less sex. Every time this happens where I catch him in a lie I want him in that way less and less. I love him but I feel so hurt and that hurt never goes away. It's hard to feel like having sex with your husband when the way he hurts you is to find sexual satisfaction from other people instead. I should mention that when I first caught him doing all of this, we had a very active sex life. No complaints from either one of us. It doesn't seem to be a reaction to not getting any. It just is. I'm so hurt. I'm especially hurt because I had said the time before last that if I ever caught him lying to me again about this I'd divorce him and he did it anyway. Even though we have a child together, he risked our marriage and family for this crap. So yes I immediately go to "he's cheating" because anytime anything is weird around here like that it usually points to something bad. I feel just beaten down by this issue over and over again.
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I'm especially hurt because I had said the time before last that if I ever caught him lying to me again about this I'd divorce him and he did it anyway. Even though we have a child together, he risked our marriage and family for this crap.You can throw down ultimatum after ultimatum but if you don`t follow through with your actions, he`s got no incentive to listen to you. So yes I immediately go to "he's cheating" because anytime anything is weird around here like that it usually points to something bad. I feel just beaten down by this issue over and over again. Being a warden is exhausting and futile. So when have you had enough? When are you going to give him the smackdown he so richly deserves?
Mino Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I'd go to the hardware store and buy a pole. I'd hang them onto it like a flag and stick it directly into the yard like a flag at half mast. Then, I'd be totally casual. Wait for him to ask you about the underwear on the flagpole in the front yard. Let the mountain come to Muhammad.Now Thats the best Idea Yet!
Island Girl Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Maybe, he had sex with somone and it got wild and ripped his underwear. Well, it's uncomfortable not to wear underwear, even if it's ripped. So, he wore it while driving home. Then, he realize that if you do the laundry, you might see it. So, while he parked his car, before coming into the house, he took them off. And, since he can't just throw them on his street, the neighbor's lawn, nor can he bring it to the house where you will see them, he just hid them in some place where he has easy access to and where no one would go. After a good night sleep, he forgot about it. This could also be a sign that he has done this before and has lied or got rid of evidence before. He has done it a few times or so many times, that he is a little careless and forgot to completely get rid of all his trails. Missing underwear is usually a sign of cheating. Underwear in strange places is even more telling. If he would pay to call these girls, what do you think would make him stop to go a step further by meeting them and go all the way with little more pay to get the full service? If he is cheating with call girls, hookers, and prostitute, it would be hard for you to find out, because there would be no emails, phone calls, dinners, gatherings etc. Just half an hour or an hour here and there once or twice a month. Be careful with STDs. Get yourself tested. This is what entered my mind. But my girlfriend caught her husband cheating the same way - underwear in his car. So I could be prone to assumptions. I say do the underwear in the yard idea. It's a good one and obviously completely out of character for you so it will throw him off his game (ability to spin and lie) somewhat. It sounds like you do a lot of the talking and he spins and turns things around. He can't spin it around with no ammo. Try being eerily quiet when he comes to talk to you about it. Do not say anything and see if he starts scrambling changing details, etc. Just listen and log what he is saying in your head so you will be VERY aware of the changes. This helps with two things -- he doesn't know WHAT you know exactly so he doesn't know how much to say or cover. AND you can't keep it all straight if you are responding (especially emotionally) in this kind of situation. Think about what kind of relationship you want and deserve. And if this does not measure up - consider getting your head together before you do any talking to him at all. Silence is your best weapon here but inciting him with the underwear on a pole in the yard is brilliant.
sugarmomma Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 There is a trust issue that lingers. It seems that about every 6-9 months there is an "issue". Phone sex is the one that never seems to go away. We've had problems lately. Less sex. Every time this happens where I catch him in a lie I want him in that way less and less. I love him but I feel so hurt and that hurt never goes away. It's hard to feel like having sex with your husband when the way he hurts you is to find sexual satisfaction from other people instead. I should mention that when I first caught him doing all of this, we had a very active sex life. No complaints from either one of us. It doesn't seem to be a reaction to not getting any. It just is. I'm so hurt. I'm especially hurt because I had said the time before last that if I ever caught him lying to me again about this I'd divorce him and he did it anyway. Even though we have a child together, he risked our marriage and family for this crap. So yes I immediately go to "he's cheating" because anytime anything is weird around here like that it usually points to something bad. I feel just beaten down by this issue over and over again. It is virtually impossible to trust untrustworthy people. You will drive yourself crazy trying to do so. He did this kind of stuff before you married him and he's thinking "well, she knows what I'm capable of so why should I change who I am at the core?" Women catch HIV from their husbands all the time (and vice versa). Please protect yourself!! I think you owe it to yourself to take the focus off of him and gain an understanding of why you choose tobe with someone that you clearly don't trust. I will never again be in a r with someone I don't trust completely. Toooooo exhausting!!! I wouldn't even confront him. He's just going to gaslight you and make you think you're crazy and paranoid. Keep the focus on you and decide what kind of life you really want to have and if someone like him deserves to be a part of it.
ForumFool Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Wow, call me crazy but is there any chance he was just using them as a rag??? That was my idea too. I use my old torn stuff to clean things with....
hurtinguy Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 How long has he had these boxers? Does he still wear the other 2 pair from the set? Is this cabinet near the laundry at all? Where the laundry would have been a close place to grab these to use as a rag? Are there any stains, or are they dirty at all from where he might have wiped something on them, or used them to protect his hands when picking something up dirty or heavy? I'm not trying to defend him in any way. Just trying to think of possibilities. Trust me when I say that I know how you feel when jumping to conclusions when something seems weird or out of place. It really sucks when you're in a marriage and have issues with trust.
Adunaphel Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 The rag idea makes perfect sense to me - it's the most logical one. I hope you work things out with the issues you are having.
Author sadangrywife Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 How long has he had these boxers? Does he still wear the other 2 pair from the set? Is this cabinet near the laundry at all? Where the laundry would have been a close place to grab these to use as a rag? Are there any stains, or are they dirty at all from where he might have wiped something on them, or used them to protect his hands when picking something up dirty or heavy? I'm not trying to defend him in any way. Just trying to think of possibilities. Trust me when I say that I know how you feel when jumping to conclusions when something seems weird or out of place. It really sucks when you're in a marriage and have issues with trust. He's had them about two years and he still has the other two. The cabinet is nowhere near the laundry and if he needed them to use as a rag, he would have had to use them from the dirty laundry because if they had been clean (I would have been the one doing the laundry) and I saw those holes I would have said something when they came out of the dryer or thrown them out. There wouldn't have been a place to get them to use them as a rag. So I know that sounds plausible to some people, but not likely here since rags are actual rags. I'd love for that to be the answer, obviously, but I don't think it is. What sucks is that tomorrow I need to talk to him about it and it's horrible thinking that today might be the last day of our marriage with both of us in this house with our child. I feel sick. If he owns up to anything I really don't feel like I have any choice but to end this before our child is older and knows more and more of what is going on. It's not fair to anyone. I know there will be deny, deny deny because I said to him that if he ever cheated on me I would divorce him. There's no incentive for him to tell me the truth at all. Who knows if he did, or if this is the first time. But something in my gut tells me this isn't good.
Athena Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Then I looked more closely and saw that there was a larger round hole and a smaller tear in them. Not on a seam like if you split your pants by accident, but it looked like they were ripped. The holes were on the back of his boxers. Hidden dirty boxers with, um, a large round hole cut purposefully in the back of his underwear? -- Perhaps he is on the Down Low?
jany Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 It does sound like something fishy is going on. I always trust a woman's instinct or intuition. I don't think that confronting him head on is going to work. Based on your past experiences, it seems like he's just going to deny till he dies. Maybe keep quiet about this but continue to monitor his whereabouts, etc?
Author sadangrywife Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Hidden dirty boxers with, um, a large round hole cut purposefully in the back of his underwear? -- Perhaps he is on the Down Low? Well, not cut out, ripped. It was like a hole was popped through them. Like I said, the tear wasn't on a seam like it would be if he split his pants. Believe me, despite the fact that all evidence up until now leads to him cheating on me with women I'm not taking anything off the table now. I've gone from someone who was married to someone with an annoying porn habit that everyone said is just a guy thing to wondering what the hell kind of person I married. I'm dreading tomorrow. I feel so sick and I feel like I have to do whatever I can to protect myself and my child.
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