m-j Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 hi everyone, just after some advice or similar (success!!) stories. . . . i have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, last year he cheated on me after 4 months. he was distraught and extremely regretful so i took him back and we decided to work through it together. 8 months later i am having panic attacks. sometimes my mind wanders and think about all the times he could have been lying about working late, about that time he came home smelling like girl's perfume (long story), those times when he is home alone with our friend/housemate. . . . i destroy myself with these imagined thoughts. every time i speak to my boyfriend about it he tells me i am being silly and i can see he is beginning to grow tired of my complaints and suspicions. i have panic attacks when he is out with his friends. i sit at home and try to keep myself occupied but when i go to bed i lay there and cry or hyperventilate. i cry at least once a week because the anxiety is too much. i am worried i am being too clingy. he told me that he worries about me when i go out with my friends but he doesnt feel the need to constantly text me, he just silently worries to himself. does this mean we have no trust in our relationship? i can never tell him i dont trust him because he will not be in a relationship with no trust and he will probably break up with me. we live together and if we broke up it would shake my entire world. the other night we had a big fight and i felt so trapped. i felt like there was nothing i could say to help him understand how i feel about him. i felt like taking something to go into a coma so i could escape. it sounds intense. most of the time i am fine and we are desperately in love. but when its bad its REALLY REALLY bad. is that normal? i just want him to understand that i struggle to cope with him cheating on me even though it was a while ago now. he thinks i should be over it and if im not then we shouldnt be dating. comments?
mammax3 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 It sounds like you're very stressed. First off, if you're living together, you're not dating. You're practically married. Depending on where you live, 6 months of living together means a common law relationship, which is often the same as marriage, legally. I agree with your bf sort of - if there are trust issues, then the relationship won't last. In your best imagined world, what (if anything) could your bf say or do to convince you that he's not currently cheating on you? You've not moved past the last time (despite the months later) and that's why it's coming up now. Did you two discuss the time he cheated on you? You say you took him back, but did you work through it? How did that pan out? Had you been satisfied with the results at the time, but are reevaluating what happend? It seems to me that this issue isn't quite resolved.
Author m-j Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 It sounds like you're very stressed. First off, if you're living together, you're not dating. You're practically married. Depending on where you live, 6 months of living together means a common law relationship, which is often the same as marriage, legally. I agree with your bf sort of - if there are trust issues, then the relationship won't last. In your best imagined world, what (if anything) could your bf say or do to convince you that he's not currently cheating on you? You've not moved past the last time (despite the months later) and that's why it's coming up now. Did you two discuss the time he cheated on you? You say you took him back, but did you work through it? How did that pan out? Had you been satisfied with the results at the time, but are reevaluating what happend? It seems to me that this issue isn't quite resolved. Thanks for your reply!! I know he is right and I know all he wants is for me to relax and know that he loves me. I will not say out loud that I dont trust him because if i really didnt trust him i wouldnt still be with him. So i must trust him even just a little bit. We have discussed the cheating, at the time he was confused and didnt know why he did it (it was with a now ex-friend of his that he cheated on his last girlfriend with......yeah) and then eventually after discussions over a few months i sort of asked if he felt intimidated by my sexual past and the number of men i've slept with and felt like he was inferior and he said yes that might have something to do with it. he knows this is not fair but i guess it helps to get to the bottom of why it happened. he has told me that he would never do it again and every time my emotions "flare up" and he asks whats wrong and I eventually tell him im just thinking about what he did and why and i feel insecure etc he gets upset and angry because he did this to me. i have told him that if he ever feels the need to mess around with other girls again that is FINE just please do me the courtesy of breaking up with me first. i would like, though, for him to be more considerate of my feelings. sometimes i think he gets close to his female friends or makes comments to test my reaction or to build up some kind of resilience in me. i know sometimes he feels like im watchign everything he does and he cant hug his female friends without me getting upset. im not one of those angry jealous verbally abusive girlfriends but he can tell it upsets me quietly. ANYWAY, i just think time heals all wounds and every time we work through a problem we are closer and stronger and it will just keep getting better.
Recommended Posts