redant Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I always hear how men love independent women. I think I am independent, but am I too independent? I'm ok with not seeing my bf because I need to work the weekend (he does too). I do miss him, but I'm not dying. I decided to get a roommate. My bf and I have been dating a while and possibly a little ways down the road we could live together. But why should I wait to see. The timing is not right at the moment so I'm in the process of finding a roommate. I guess I'm thinking how independent should I be? I feel that I have to think of myself my future is not gauraunteed. I want to get what I want, or have the life I want so I can't wait on someone. What I'm saying is that I was kind of thinking that we could move in together in the near future, but I'm not sure he is even thinking that so I decided to look for a roommate. Would that make a guy feel weird or off the hook? I have a pretty big place for just myself so it's perfect for a guy to move on in But I don't want him to feel pressured to. Hope that makes a little sense. I'm asking should I just think of myself and what I want or need and not worry so much about him?
eiithan Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 From my experience, being independent without having enough communication/discussions of the plans (he does not have to take a part as long as he's well informed and sought of his opinions) could make a guy uncertain and insecure. But that was just my case...
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 redant, come on, spit out what you really want. You want your bf to move in with you but are afraid to ask, since you fear scaring him off. So, how happy does it make you, to pretend to be someone you`re not?
zhsoj Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Independence is good. However independence with poor communication isn't going to work. If it seems like you are making your own plans completely without me I'm going to think I'm just around for temporary entertainment. I'm not saying you need to consult him on these decisions, but you need to somehow let him know that you would like him to be around in the future. Why don't you just explain to him your thoughts on this? That you aren't ready just yet, but you like where things are going.
Author redant Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 I don't know for sure if I want him to move in now. In the future I probably would. Right now he can't. I would like things to move faster yes, but I don't want to force it. I'm trying to find a balance. I would say something if the time was right, but it's not. zhsoj I don't know if you read it right. I didn't say I wasn't ready. I am but at this time it's not even possible.
lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 being independent is honkey dorey but, the key is.. make sure you're dealing with someone as independent, if not more than yourself. as a very independent woman myself, i'm starting to realize that being too independent can often times taint an otherwise perfectly fine relationship. you have to have times where you can let your guard down completely and TRUST in someone other than yourself.
Author redant Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 yea I do a little, but yea it's hard to trust. I think it's too soon for an ultimatum. I mean I think I'd regret it. Like, "you be this person or I'm leaving." I hope there is a point when we are both ready for another step. Ideally I hope. Also I may be trying to be too independent because how do I know he will be around for me in the future. I don't trust at all and above all I want to protect myself.
zhsoj Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Also I may be trying to be too independent because how do I know he will be around for me in the future. I don't trust at all and above all I want to protect myself. Well that's kinda it right there, isn't it? What exactly is he getting out of this if you are constantly protecting yourself and keeping him at bay. I'm certainly no expert, but it doesn't seem to me that being so focused on yourself is really a great way to go about having a strong relationship with someone. And it certainly doesn't sound like you could love him if you were more worried about him hurting you than what it was that you could do for someone you loved. It's not wrong at all to be thinking of your own future. But how does that lead into thinking about "our" future? At some point you have to open yourself up to possible hurt. You'd do that if you truly cared about the other person "more" than you cared about yourself. Independence isn't a bad thing, but it is if you let it prevent you from sharing yourself and caring about the other person.
Author redant Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Thanks for your response. Appreciate it.
MrFun Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 What exactly is he getting out of this if you are constantly protecting yourself and keeping him at bay. I 100% agree with this! My thought process would probably be, "she's not really investing, if she's just 60%, what about the other 40%?". I'd keep a relationship with you casual. Maybe he's the type that doesn't want to invest either? Imagine a pot, you put in 50%, he puts in 10%, you put in 95%, he puts in 5%...you get the feeling this is not working. He could be getting that feeling too. I know I would, and I'd start looking around. The competition does not sleep. Independence is good, but it's only a step in the evolution to something more. Being dependent on your partner is what a lot of people here at stuck in, independence is the goal for them, but not the end point. What you want to reach is a partnership where the sum equals a lot more than the value of the individual parts. You need to get over the fear of losing something (i.e. "independence" or a broken heart) to gain something more. Over-protecting your heart is the same as keeping it in a jar on the shelf....
Author redant Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 I think I am in denial. I want him to help me and take care of me at times. He does alot but he's not always with me, because of work. I do want to make our lives "together" it's just that I don't know if we want the same kind of life. Maybe Trial is right I do want him to live with me and help me and I'm afraid he wouldn't want to or that I would be pressuring him. It may sound stressful but when we are together we are very happy. Mr. Fun I'm just making sure he is too "investing". I've had alot of problems where the investing was not equal. I over invested too soon, which was my fault. So I am holding back, but now I'm in it and feel it. Anyway thanks. I really like this: "You need to get over the fear of losing something (i.e. "independence" or a broken heart) to gain something more"
torranceshipman Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 It sounds like you really want him to move in with you, but are fearful of asking, so you're trying to look like the 'i don't need you' independent type by getting in a roommate...I wouldn't get in a roommate if I were you - that's a bad reason to get one! Why not just continue living along and in a while, if things are going well with your boyfriend, broach the living together issue?
Author redant Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 It's a little of both fearing to ask and the real need, I need the money too. I will probably talk to him once I see him. Thanks for the responses.
layla.ann Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Why don't you just tell him you are considering a roommate to help with bills and see what he says?
tkgirl Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I 100% agree with this! My thought process would probably be, "she's not really investing, if she's just 60%, what about the other 40%?". I'd keep a relationship with you casual. Maybe he's the type that doesn't want to invest either? Imagine a pot, you put in 50%, he puts in 10%, you put in 95%, he puts in 5%...you get the feeling this is not working. He could be getting that feeling too. I know I would, and I'd start looking around. The competition does not sleep. Independence is good, but it's only a step in the evolution to something more. Being dependent on your partner is what a lot of people here at stuck in, independence is the goal for them, but not the end point. What you want to reach is a partnership where the sum equals a lot more than the value of the individual parts. You need to get over the fear of losing something (i.e. "independence" or a broken heart) to gain something more. Over-protecting your heart is the same as keeping it in a jar on the shelf.... interesting... and something to think about. great post!
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I 100% agree with this! My thought process would probably be, "she's not really investing, if she's just 60%, what about the other 40%?". I'd keep a relationship with you casual. Maybe he's the type that doesn't want to invest either? Imagine a pot, you put in 50%, he puts in 10%, you put in 95%, he puts in 5%...you get the feeling this is not working. He could be getting that feeling too. I know I would, and I'd start looking around. The competition does not sleep. Independence is good, but it's only a step in the evolution to something more. Being dependent on your partner is what a lot of people here at stuck in, independence is the goal for them, but not the end point. What you want to reach is a partnership where the sum equals a lot more than the value of the individual parts. You need to get over the fear of losing something (i.e. "independence" or a broken heart) to gain something more. Over-protecting your heart is the same as keeping it in a jar on the shelf.... Mr. Fun, you need to read her other threads to get a better feel for this poster.
Author redant Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 the thing is my other posts will say we are in our late thirties and I want to settle down. We have been together almost 7 months. He is in no rush or he may not ever want to get married. I don't know. I do know that we are good together now. He is in limbo financially, not set. He has told me he's in no rush to marry and he feels young a few months ago when I asked him. He knows wht I want. We do have feelings for each other and are happy together. He's also from a much more liberal culture. I worry about the future but am pretty happy in the present. I whine on here yes and complain, but that's not the whole story.
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 redant, being independent and trying to pretend to be independent, are two different things. I'm not knocking you. What I'm trying to say is that people need to be themselves, where they have different requirements within a relationship. The ultimate goal isn't to force a relationship to work, since the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow will be nothing but fool's gold, since you can't ever relax and be yourself. If you become yourself, he'll have a real eye-opener. IMO and IME, the ultimate goal is to find the person who appreciates you for who you are, someone who's compatible.
Author redant Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 I don't think I am pretending necessarily If he wasn't around I would do this. I have to take care of myself. I am geting to the point where I want him to help me more and I will tell him. I do need the help of a man around my house and if he can't help me or does not want to help one another somehow yea I will have to say goodbye.
Recommended Posts