quick update

[Pradajunkie]

So sorry things have been hectic here, I posted here back in April, about my situation. To make a long story short, I am married to a self centered jerk, who only thinks about himself, and works as much as humanly possible, anyway, we have been seperated since he took an out of state job and I have never been happier. I think I am ready to actually go through and file... He has had time to think and now he's miserable, misses me and misses the kids, even though he rarely spent time at home. I can't imagine going back to the way things were. He and I have discussed this on several occasions and I know I am in for a huge fight. But I don't care... it's worth it for my own mental well being to go forward instead of staying in the same holding pattern, with someone who only loves himself.

I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your summers.

Hopefully I will get some time to post all my questions because I have a million of them.

Take care

PJ

[PWSX3]

Don't throw away all your options, people can change & maybe the separation was the 2x4 over the head he needed.....

 

No you don't want the old life back, but that doesn't mean you couldn't maybe start another one with him, but he would need to change & really show you that he wants to....

 

I'm not saying to get back together, but don't just shut the door on the idea he will never change.

 

Sounds like things are going better for you & that is what we all want, happiness.....

[Pradajunkie]

Don't throw away all your options, people can change & maybe the separation was the 2x4 over the head he needed.....

 

No you don't want the old life back, but that doesn't mean you couldn't maybe start another one with him, but he would need to change & really show you that he wants to....

 

I'm not saying to get back together, but don't just shut the door on the idea he will never change.

 

Sounds like things are going better for you & that is what we all want, happiness.....

 

no I don't want the old life back, but I don't think he's willing to change either.... he says he misses me and the kids but he still prioritizes work over our family. When I tell him I'm unhappy living with him and happier without him, you would think he would make time to come see me and discuss these things face to face, but he doesn't.

I thought I would feel hurt, overwhelmed or I would miss him... I don't at least not yet... I don't think I love him anymore. I care about him and I care about what happens to him but there's no passion, no spark, no forgiveness or understanding, in me anymore... How do you continue or work on a relationship when you feel that way?

Don't get me wrong, he has wonderful intentions and ideas to repair things there's just no follow through. How much more time am I supposed to give him?

I appreciate your input and your positivity, I wish I could share it or change how I feel.

Thank you for sharing it with me.

PJ

[dgiirl]

When I tell him I'm unhappy living with him and happier without him, you would think he would make time to come see me and discuss these things face to face, but he doesn't.

 

Isnt that a little contradictory? Why would he put himself up for rejection when you blatantly tell him you are happier without him? And then you get upset that he doesnt come and see you? No offense, but that is mixed signals.

 

Like PW, I'm not saying you should stay in a dead marriage. But it also doesnt seem like you are doing anything _right now_ to salvage your relationship either. If you want your husband to come and see you and work on things, then tell him exactly what you want. It's not fair of you to expect your husband to read your mind and then get upset when he doesnt follow your expectations. Be blatantly clear. Tell him "Get your ass over here and work on our marriage or I'm out the door".

 

Sometimes we take others for granted. We think we will have more time in the future to make amends. Sometimes we need to be kicked in the ass in order to see clearly what we are about to lose. Your desire for a divorce might just be the kick in the ass your husband needs. You might be surprised on the change he is willing to do for your marriage now. It does suck that sometimes it has to go to that extent and is definitely not fair, but life is not always fair.

 

There wont be any spark in your relationship when you are feeling neglected. How could there be? But dont you think the spark could come back IF the relationship became a priority in both your lives? If he started courting you again? If he started sending you flowers or whatever he did the first time he courted you? At some point in your life there was passion in your lives. Don't you think that could come back if you didnt feel he took you for granted? If he was more active in your marriage?

[PWSX3]

no I don't want the old life back, but I don't think he's willing to change either.

I wouldn't want you to have the old back either, that didn't work, that was no good so no matter what happens things would need to change.

You need to give him time to show you that if he is serous then he will start doing something, hopefully not just for your marriage but for him as well. We should never have to do something for someone else, it should always be for personal growth, the other person just gets the benefits of it.

Just to let you know, my former wife was the one that left me, she is the one that filed and wanted the divorce up to two weeks before it was final, then she wasn't sure if it was the right thing or not but then it was to late for me.

I heard something on the radio that really has helped me.

You can read all the books & tell someone all the things you are going to do, but it comes down to; what are you going to do about it?????

 

I was one that talked, I was one that missed my wife/family, but I also was the one that started taking classes, reading the books & trying to do what they said, joined some groups at church, etc.

... he says he misses me and the kids but he still prioritizes work over our family. When I tell him I'm unhappy living with him and happier without him, you would think he would make time to come see me and discuss these things face to face, but he doesn't.

I agree with Dgiirl, you need to give him a chance to show you, don't push him off, don't discourage him but don't let him walk over you & just try & go back to the same ways. It will take some strong Boundaries (which is a good book by the way) on your part....

Don't get me wrong, he has wonderful intentions and ideas to repair things there's just no follow through. How much more time am I supposed to give him?

I appreciate your input and your positivity, I wish I could share it or change how I feel.

Thank you for sharing it with me.

PJ

My former wife moved out in Aug, filed in Jan. & we were divorced in April & she said the same things as you have said, she loved me but not in love with me, she cared for me, etc. etc.

Two weeks before the divorce was to be final she started wondering if what she was doing was the right thing?

You are the only one that can answer that question. My feelings is a person needs to be able to walk away saying; I've done everything "I" could do & because of the other spouse this is what my choice is.

 

Even though I am divorced I still feel that if you can save a marriage it is better in the end. It hurts a lot of people besides the two in the marriage.

[Pradajunkie]

Isnt that a little contradictory? Why would he put himself up for rejection when you blatantly tell him you are happier without him? And then you get upset that he doesnt come and see you? No offense, but that is mixed signals?

 

 

I guess I should have explained better, this has been going on for years.. this isn't a recent breakdown.. I've tried to talk to him, I've tried to get him to go into MC... I've tried to suck it up and go forward praying it was a phase, I've tried to communicate with him, in the light of all the issues we are having, he agreed to leave me and the kids to take a job in another state 2000 miles away. Even though I told him maybe it's not such a good idea right now. I'll be honest when he packed his bags and left it was like a huge weight off my chest. He's been gone since April, He was working out of another office, he was only supposed to be for 2 weeks, they offered him a position there and he took it. We've only been in this state for 18 months due to a previous relocation. I have told him that he needs to come back so he and I could talk... I needed something to get his attention... especially when he tells me how much he misses us and I can't respond with the same sentiment.

Absolutely I expect him to be a man and deal with the problems we are having at home. There's no mind reading I've told him exactly how I feel, these were issues he was aware of when he chose to take this position.

 

Like PW, I'm not saying you should stay in a dead marriage. But it also doesnt seem like you are doing anything _right now_ to salvage your relationship either. If you want your husband to come and see you and work on things, then tell him exactly what you want. It's not fair of you to expect your husband to read your mind and then get upset when he doesnt follow your expectations. Be blatantly clear. Tell him "Get your ass over here and work on our marriage or I'm out the door".

 

No I'm not doing anything right now to save the marriage, I have done absolutely everything within my personal power to save this marriage and hit brick walls the entire way... He has neglected our kids and myself for way too long...in my opinion a husband and a father needs to be way more than a paycheck....but thats all he seems concerned with, his job, and as much as he claims he feels bad about it, we've reached the point where apologies no longer wipe the slate clean.

 

Sometimes we take others for granted. We think we will have more time in the future to make amends. Sometimes we need to be kicked in the ass in order to see clearly what we are about to lose. Your desire for a divorce might just be the kick in the ass your husband needs. You might be surprised on the change he is willing to do for your marriage now. It does suck that sometimes it has to go to that extent and is definitely not fair, but life is not always fair.

 

Unfortunately his kick is coming too late to fix anything, I really don't see how any changes he could possibly make, will change my feelings, there is way too much water under the bridge, it's gone on for too long too salvage

 

There wont be any spark in your relationship when you are feeling neglected. How could there be? But dont you think the spark could come back IF the relationship became a priority in both your lives? If he started courting you again? If he started sending you flowers or whatever he did the first time he courted you? At some point in your life there was passion in your lives. Don't you think that could come back if you didnt feel he took you for granted? If he was more active in your marriage?

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I have, for 14 years made my marriage and my kids my priority, and he has taken it for granted for the last 5 years. He has been absent, zoned out and just uninterested, up until now, now when he's gone he expresses interest, but still doesn't do anything about it. Even if I were to move myself and the kids 2000 miles away, his job is still there needing him and demanding his time, he has chosen his job over our family too many times. Want to talk about rejection? I could understand if he had another woman in his life that provoked some type of passion in him, we are talking about a job, one that he will stay at from 6am to 9pm missing his kids conferences, their games, their recitals, their awards ceromonies, missing broken bone appts, not being here for me when I need support, the list can go on and on these are things you can never get back once they are over they are over forever and he's missed them. So I apologize if my tone comes across as complacent, but I feel like I've been through all my options and I'm on my last resort.

[Pradajunkie]

My former wife moved out in Aug, filed in Jan. & we were divorced in April & she said the same things as you have said, she loved me but not in love with me, she cared for me, etc. etc.

Two weeks before the divorce was to be final she started wondering if what she was doing was the right thing?

You are the only one that can answer that question. My feelings is a person needs to be able to walk away saying; I've done everything "I" could do & because of the other spouse this is what my choice is.

 

Even though I am divorced I still feel that if you can save a marriage it is better in the end. It hurts a lot of people besides the two in the marriage.

 

I'm sorry for what you went through, being on the other side of it I can only imagine the pain, regret, and suffering you experianced, and I agree that it hurts more than the 2 people involved as well as that every attempt should be made to save a marriage, but when it's all over and you've done everything you possibly could, you don't stay in the same holding pattern hoping for a change. At some point you have to do something to make a change. I've reached that point

PJ

[WTFO]

I guess I should have explained better, this has been going on for years.. this isn't a recent breakdown.. I've tried to talk to him, I've tried to get him to go into MC... I've tried to suck it up and go forward praying it was a phase, I've tried to communicate with him, in the light of all the issues we are having, he agreed to leave me and the kids to take a job in another state 2000 miles away. Even though I told him maybe it's not such a good idea right now. I'll be honest when he packed his bags and left it was like a huge weight off my chest. He's been gone since April, He was working out of another office, he was only supposed to be for 2 weeks, they offered him a position there and he took it. We've only been in this state for 18 months due to a previous relocation. I have told him that he needs to come back so he and I could talk... I needed something to get his attention... especially when he tells me how much he misses us and I can't respond with the same sentiment.

Absolutely I expect him to be a man and deal with the problems we are having at home. There's no mind reading I've told him exactly how I feel, these were issues he was aware of when he chose to take this position.

 

 

 

No I'm not doing anything right now to save the marriage, I have done absolutely everything within my personal power to save this marriage and hit brick walls the entire way... He has neglected our kids and myself for way too long...in my opinion a husband and a father needs to be way more than a paycheck....but thats all he seems concerned with, his job, and as much as he claims he feels bad about it, we've reached the point where apologies no longer wipe the slate clean.

 

 

 

Unfortunately his kick is coming too late to fix anything, I really don't see how any changes he could possibly make, will change my feelings, there is way too much water under the bridge, it's gone on for too long too salvage

 

 

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I have, for 14 years made my marriage and my kids my priority, and he has taken it for granted for the last 5 years. He has been absent, zoned out and just uninterested, up until now, now when he's gone he expresses interest, but still doesn't do anything about it. Even if I were to move myself and the kids 2000 miles away, his job is still there needing him and demanding his time, he has chosen his job over our family too many times. Want to talk about rejection? I could understand if he had another woman in his life that provoked some type of passion in him, we are talking about a job, one that he will stay at from 6am to 9pm missing his kids conferences, their games, their recitals, their awards ceromonies, missing broken bone appts, not being here for me when I need support, the list can go on and on these are things you can never get back once they are over they are over forever and he's missed them. So I apologize if my tone comes across as complacent, but I feel like I've been through all my options and I'm on my last resort.

 

 

Wow, Forget this guy. I don't think change is in his future. On the other hand, Do you guys live comfortably because of his job? I'm just saying.

[Pradajunkie]

Wow, Forget this guy. I don't think change is in his future. On the other hand, Do you guys live comfortably because of his job? I'm just saying.

 

lmao... yes we do live comfortably, but once the assets are divided we will downscale and still be comfortable, I've even considered finishing my degree because the thought of being dependant on him while we aren't married kinda makes me ill...

[WTFO]

lmao... yes we do live comfortably, but once the assets are divided we will downscale and still be comfortable, I've even considered finishing my degree because the thought of being dependant on him while we aren't married kinda makes me ill...

 

 

My point was. Why do you think you guys are living so comfortably?. It's because of his job. Maybe he is working this much for the family. I agree with you though there should be a balance, and he doesn't seem like family is his priority.

[Pradajunkie]

My point was. Why do you think you guys are living so comfortably?. It's because of his job. Maybe he is working this much for the family. I agree with you though there should be a balance, and he doesn't seem like family is his priority.

 

If it were temporary and I saw some turn around or some interest I'd feel differently, I'd be forgiving. I personally think he's working like this as an escape, It gives him an ego boost. He's in demand at work, he's successful... it's like his own personal form of crack. He may need help but he's not going to get that help till he see's it as a problem. I grew up with an alcoholic, and many years of counseling doesn't make me an expert, but I know the addictive traits and the breakdown in a family that results if these behaivors. Some people will feel what he's doing isn't so terrible, but I'm seeing the effects on my kids first hand. I don't like what I'm seeing nor do I like what I'm going through trying to make up for his not being around.

But I see what you are saying too..Forgive me, I'm open to suggestions I'm just frusterated with my situation.. I can come across as a cold b*tch at times and I know it.

PJ

[dgiirl]

PJ, I can empathize with what you have gone through in the past. I realize that he has done a lot of damage to your relationship and perhaps you have reached the point of no return. Please do not feel that I am patronizing your past with him. I do realize the pain you are going through and I dont want you to feel like I'm attacking you or trying to minimize your feelings.

 

If you have reached the point of no return and you simply want me to agree with you that your husband neglected you. Then I will do that. It does sound like he hasnt been an active partner. If you want support on how to follow through with a divorce, then we can do that.

 

But I'm an optimist, and as long as there is still hope, I want to help you save your marriage.

 

Given those intentions, It does seem that you are still frustrated with him because after telling him you are happier without him, he still hasnt come back to the house. That comment and expectation alone are mixed signals. You are trying to hurt him (understandably) by telling him you are happier without him and yet you still expect him to return to the home. It's good that you still have these expectations that he will change, as it means you haven't reached that point of no return completely. That gives the marriage a sliver of possible hope. But the action and expectations dont mesh and I would just hate to see that hope closed completely because of miscommunication.

 

Try and look at your situation from an objective view. If your best friends were going through this situation, and you wanted them to save the marriage, what advice would you give them?

 

When a husband calls his wife and tells her he misses her and the kids.

Her response in return is "I'm happier without you". I'm sure that guts the husband deeply. And when people are hurt deeply, they tend to retreat to somewhere safe. It might be the husband's job or mistress. In this case, the job seems to be the only successful thing in the husbands life, so of course he will want to spend more and more time there. It seems to be the only place where he doesnt feel like a complete failure. When he retreats further and further from her, she questions why isnt he reaching out more to her, doesnt he care? And those thoughts hurt her deeply. And so it becomes cyclical.

 

In order to break the cycle, someone has to do something different. Someone has to break free from the emotions, to stop getting angry, stop lashing out, and be more objective about the situation.

 

Have you tried counseling, whether marriage or individual?

[Pradajunkie]

while I am angry and hurt, I'm also fed up and done.... I don't want him to come here to stay, I wanted him to come back so we can talk. I didn't want him to be served with papers before I had an opportunity to tell him myself and I didn't want to tell him over the phone... he's just too busy and he doesn't seem to have time... this is a hopeless situation

we've been through marriage couseling and we've been through ic. He won't stick to it and I'm not going to repeatedly be the only one working on things... It's just time for me to move forward. People can only make changes when they are willing to commit to them, his commitment s not to me, it's too his employers.