Cora Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'm not dating now and I don't plan on it anytime soon if ever again. I'm still taking time out to work on myself etc. I have just been evaluating my dating history and there is this one guy who stood out who I have always tried to figure out but never really could. So this is just out of pure curiosity guys. About a year ago I met this guy on an online dating site. We exchanged emails for about a week or two before he asked me out. Our first date was to see a movie and a movie only which I thought was kind of odd because how are you suppose to get to know someone during a movie when you can't really have a conversation? Anyway, we met at the theater, he gave me a hug, we watched the movie and then when it came time to leave we walked out together and all he said was "okay well I'm parked over there bye." I thought wow, that didn't go well! I figured he wasn't interested and that I would no longer hear from him again. He ends up contacting me and schedules a date for the following weekend. I figured well he must want to give me another chance and see if there could be some interest there. At this point I was already interested in him....probably moreso than he was. Anyway, this guy is really into photography and I had mentioned that I had always wanted to learn more about it etc.. So our next date he took me downtown on the waterfront and we took pictures out on the boardwalk and of some historic churches etc.. He was showing me all the tricks etc. of taking good photographs. I was kind of excited and figured this would be the night I would get my first kiss because the setting seemed perfect! We were out basically with no one around, at night on the waterfront which was beautiful! Well I did not get any kiss that night...not even a hug goodbye. I started to think maybe this wasn't even a date in his eyes. Maybe it was just a lesson in photography. We talk later online and at this point I was determined to ask him if he was interested in me or where this was going etc.. Yeah, I know this was probably too soon to bring this up but I wasn't thinking at the time. Anyway, he told me he would never see me as anything more than just a friend. I was crushed because I really liked him more than that and silly me followed up with the whole texting frenzy afterwards telling him how I felt and asking him why he felt the way he did etc? HAHA Yeah I now see how stupid that was and I am sooo embarrassed by it. He really did not respond and I figured I would never hear from him again because if that didn't scare him off then I didn't know what would lol! Besides when guys tell you they just want to be friends they really don't mean it right? I mean that's basically just a polite way of saying "Hey I'm not interested and I really don't care to talk to you or see you anymore." Right? Well, a few weeks go by and one day this guy contacts me again online. He wants to know if I wanted to come over to his place to watch a hockey game with him? I figure, okay just a friendly invite so I accept. I'm thinking maybe he really did mean the whole friends thing. So I get over to his place and he had this whole dinner cooked. I mean he went all out. I figured it was just going to be me and him watching the game and that's it. Had no idea dinner was involved. So I figure well maybe he cooks dinner for his friends all the time...no big deal? However, I did not eat because I was nervous as hell to be honest and really wasn't hungry. He seemed kind of hurt that I did not eat anything and he kept offering. I know I should have tried to eat something....yet again another stupid moment on my part! There was no physical contact on this date either which I did not expect there to be since he told me once before he only wanted a friendship. So I was playing it off that way. I did notice however that everytime he got up and would come back....he sat closer to me. He was also giving me lots of eye contact and smiling. Again, I thought nothing of it since he stated clearly he only saw me as a friend. That night ended with just a hug goodbye. I never heard from this guy again. Every now and then I'll see him online and will say hello and we will have a pleasant, friendly conversation. I'm sure the way I acted on that last night probably gave him signals that I wasn't interested but I was only following his league of him wanting to be friends. I was confused. So my question is.....was this guy interested at all or just wanted friendship the whole time? Maybe I just read him wrong and made things out for more than they were. Regardless of how wierd it all seemed to me....he was one of the nicest guys I have met in awhile. He always insisted on paying for everything, would always open my car door for me etc.. Just little things that I wasn't used to.....probably because I tend to date the wrong kind of men lol. I have just never been more confused by a guy before. Any thoughts?
boogieboy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Guys dont ask you out alone unless they like you. The "friends" was just a reverse psychology thing to make you want him more. Why didnt you make a move? You had nothing to lose. And if you liked him, and you thought he wasnt really into you, why would you stay?
Author Cora Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Guys dont ask you out alone unless they like you. The "friends" was just a reverse psychology thing to make you want him more. Why didnt you make a move? You had nothing to lose. And if you liked him, and you thought he wasnt really into you, why would you stay? No move was made by me because I'm way too shy unless I know for sure that the guy is really into me. I stayed because I really thought he only saw me as a friend and I figured in time he could see me as maybe more? I know pathetic right? Unfortunately, that's the truth though.
torranceshipman Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 C'mon, if he turns all of this in to such a haul, by implementing some crazy random psychology strategy to make you like him then, well..he's a dumbass. You liked him already and if anyone messed this up it was him. Forget him! I think the lesson to learn from this is that guys can be dumbasses when dating, period. And before anyone jumps on me for that comment, girls can also be dumbasses - it's just the nature of dating! If I were you I'd get back out there and have fun!
Author Cora Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 C'mon, if he turns all of this in to such a haul, by implementing some crazy random psychology strategy to make you like him then, well..he's a dumbass. You liked him already and if anyone messed this up it was him. Forget him! I think the lesson to learn from this is that guys can be dumbasses when dating, period. And before anyone jumps on me for that comment, girls can also be dumbasses - it's just the nature of dating! If I were you I'd get back out there and have fun! HA! I like your response sooo much better! The old "guys can be dumbasses solution." It's the answer to every problem with guys right? Seriously though, I have forgotten him. He has been in a pretty serious relationship for about a year now the last I heard. His behaviour has just always plagued me. Was just curious to know what others thought.
Eleventy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 If it makes you feel any better Cora, if I lived near IRL I'd totally ask you out on a date You seem like a really cool person, in my opinion. You mentioned in an earlier thread that you were shy. Sometimes people misread it as disinterest. A lot of people have told this to me before, as I am quite shy as well. It's just a possibility.
girl68 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Nah, I disagree- I think you made all the wrong moves.
Author Cora Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 If it makes you feel any better Cora, if I lived near IRL I'd totally ask you out on a date You seem like a really cool person, in my opinion. You mentioned in an earlier thread that you were shy. Sometimes people misread it as disinterest. A lot of people have told this to me before, as I am quite shy as well. It's just a possibility. Thanks! You sem pretty cool yourself. You know I believe it has a lot to do with my shyness. I think if I were more outgoing I would recieve a lot more positive feedback. So I'm working on that. Just takes time I guess. I have been shy my whole life so it's not so easy to change overnight. I think many guys read me wrong lol.
WTRanger Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Seriously though, I have forgotten him. Are you sure about that? Almost a year later and you are posting on this forum seeking random strangers opinions about his and your actions? Seems to me, if you really have forgotten about him then you wouldn't be seeking outside opinions. You would have dropped it a long time ago. That being said. I bet he was interested but probably just as shy as you about making the first move for the kiss. Something may have triggered the just friends response, perhaps you gave off a disinterested vibe or unknowingly said something. Truth be told, we'll never know because none of us were there and you cannot accurately describe your own actions. None of us can truly give accurate descriptions of our own actions. Perhaps a lesson learned is that in the future, if you really want to kiss him. Just go for it. Sometimes us dumbass guys need a little help.
Author Cora Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Nah, I disagree- I think you made all the wrong moves. Oh yeah I'm sure I did some things wrong. But...when he told me "just friends" I really thought that's what he wanted. I was confused. I'm not excusing my behavior in any way...just didn't know how to act when I was getting all these mixed signals from him.
Eleventy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Honestly at this point I think you are better off taking people at face value. If people are going to play reverse psychology games, it's never worth pursuing much anyway (in my experience), unless such statements are just DRIPPING with sarcasm.
Author Cora Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Are you sure about that? Almost a year later and you are posting on this forum seeking random strangers opinions about his and your actions? Seems to me, if you really have forgotten about him then you wouldn't be seeking outside opinions. You would have dropped it a long time ago. That being said. I bet he was interested but probably just as shy as you about making the first move for the kiss. Something may have triggered the just friends response, perhaps you gave off a disinterested vibe or unknowingly said something. Truth be told, we'll never know because none of us were there and you cannot accurately describe your own actions. None of us can truly give accurate descriptions of our own actions. Perhaps a lesson learned is that in the future, if you really want to kiss him. Just go for it. Sometimes us dumbass guys need a little help. I was only posting about him because I had never had a guy tell me he was only intereted in me as only a friend and then act the way he did. I have always wondered about it and if I had found this forum when I was dating him I'm sure I would have posted about it. Again, I was just curious. Thanks for your response.
Author Cora Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Honestly at this point I think you are better off taking people at face value. If people are going to play reverse psychology games, it's never worth pursuing much anyway (in my experience), unless such statements are just DRIPPING with sarcasm. I agree and he did not sound like he was being sarcastic about the whole friends thing so I took his word for it.
sally4sara Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 It sounded to me like you were not the only girl he was talking to/ dating casually. It also sounds like her preferred the other girl and thought it was going somewhere it ended up not going. So he invited you over as more than just a friend, but the fact that he had already told you he only thought of you as a friend made you hesitant and he didn't get anything physical from you. Which you should be proud of; he sound opportunistic and dishonest in his intentions and words. You say you're taking time to work on yourself? You are way to critical of your own actions and not critical enough of your potential partner's actions. No one is worth getting so nervous over that you cannot eat a home cooked meal!
WTRanger Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Let me ask this question and not to be an ass or anything. How would you want or expect a guy who has told you he just sees you as "friends" to act? Believe me, I've been told the "just friends" line several times by girls, and I really don't know the answer to my own question. After being told "just friends", how should the other person act from then on out? Should they not contact you? Not ask to do things with you? Are certain activities restricted for dates only, such as dinner at his place? Because when you think about it. When a guy and a girl hang out one on one, it's almost an exact mirror if they are friends or if they are actually dating. There are only a few minor changes, but for the most part the foundation is the same. I have a feeling if you had posted the same question, while this was going on. Most of the responses would have been that if you really wanted that kiss, it was up to you to get it. Damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead!
WTRanger Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 No one is worth getting so nervous over that you cannot eat a home cooked meal! I disagree. Sometimes, if that one person really strikes you deep down you can become a ball of nerves and in the first few dates it could be tough to eat. Lord knows if I finally had gotten up the courage to ask the incredibly hot girl that I had assumed I had no chance with out on a date, and she accepted. That first date I'm usually not exactly cool as a cucumber and sometimes eating can be tough. There's nothing wrong with being nervous. Now, if that feeling persists or happens every time then you could be looking a a slight form of social anxiety.
Author Cora Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 It sounded to me like you were not the only girl he was talking to/ dating casually. It also sounds like her preferred the other girl and thought it was going somewhere it ended up not going. So he invited you over as more than just a friend, but the fact that he had already told you he only thought of you as a friend made you hesitant and he didn't get anything physical from you. Which you should be proud of; he sound opportunistic and dishonest in his intentions and words. You say you're taking time to work on yourself? You are way to critical of your own actions and not critical enough of your potential partner's actions. No one is worth getting so nervous over that you cannot eat a home cooked meal! You could be right. There could of been another girl or two in the picture as well. I have thought of this too. And yes, sometimes I can be too critical of my actions which is precisely one of the reasons why I'm taking the time to work on that among other things. Thanks!
Author Cora Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Let me ask this question and not to be an ass or anything. How would you want or expect a guy who has told you he just sees you as "friends" to act? Believe me, I've been told the "just friends" line several times by girls, and I really don't know the answer to my own question. After being told "just friends", how should the other person act from then on out? Should they not contact you? Not ask to do things with you? Are certain activities restricted for dates only, such as dinner at his place? Because when you think about it. When a guy and a girl hang out one on one, it's almost an exact mirror if they are friends or if they are actually dating. There are only a few minor changes, but for the most part the foundation is the same. I have a feeling if you had posted the same question, while this was going on. Most of the responses would have been that if you really wanted that kiss, it was up to you to get it. Damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead! To be completely honest with you, when he told me he saw me as nothing more than a friend I figured it was his way of blowing me off and that I would never hear from him again. It has been my experience, that when guys have told me this they tend to go POOF! I never hear another word from them which is why it surprised me that this guy even contacted me again much less asked me to come over to his place. I'm not sure how a friend should act really. I don't really have any guy friends. I suppose it should be the same as my girlfriends do but I don't know. I see what you are saying though. Truth is even if he had never of had the whole "friends" discussion with me I would have still been quite shy around him. That is just something I need to work on but the friends thing just made it that much worse for me. I was like how the heck am I suppose to act? He wants to be friends and I have no guy friends so do I just treat him like one of the girls? All these thoughts were running through my head. You make a good point though.
Eleventy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I would simply take it at face value. Nothing wrong with having friends. Just treat him like you would treat any other friend.
Author Cora Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 I would simply take it at face value. Nothing wrong with having friends. Just treat him like you would treat any other friend. Well, we don't really talk anymore so there isn't much of a friendship there. I agree though, nothing wrong with having friends. Anyway, I was just curious of peoples thoughts on this matter. I got some really good insight which will be helpful to me for future situations....if in fact I do indeed encounter another one like him. The main thing though is to work on my shyness which is apparent had a pretty big impact on the situation. Thanks guys!
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