coping with shocking revalation

[GreenEyedLady]

Am I in the infidelity forum? Where are the OW at?

 

I am really not sure why posters are "going after" WF.

 

She gave her opinion, like everyone who comes here.

 

Just because some of you don't like it, doesn't mean it isn't valid.

 

And it's not her thread so I think it's time to get back to the OP.

 

OP: do you want to be her friend: yes or no?

 

Only you can answer that question based on your experience with her and your own values.

 

We don't know her, we don't know you and it doesn't affect us in a personal way.

[White Flower]

The two above quotes are from the same post. I find it interesting that the first paragraph basically states that the family of the MM is being hurt by the actions already undertaken whether they knew it or not. But the second paragraph somehow states that the family was actually helped by the affair that they didn't know about.

 

A paradox, no?

My point exactly! However, 'help' and 'benefit' can be different ever so slightly. So now you can see the inner struggle that goes on in the OWs mind. That is why you see so many saying the phrase, 'I never thought I'd see myself in this situation'.

 

Many OWs have this same power (to break up a family or at least announce the truth that will do some damage) and never choose to use it; therefore, the BW and family benefit by her choice not to act on her feelings. She may have acted on her desire to love him, sleep with him, spend time with him but she may choose not to act on her desire to force him into making a decision. Of course there is a paradox--that is where all the pain and inner struggle comes from!

[fooled once]

Am I in the infidelity forum? Where are the OW at?

 

I am really not sure why posters are "going after" WF.

 

She gave her opinion, like everyone who comes here.

 

Just because some of you don't like it, doesn't mean it isn't valid.

 

And it's not her thread so I think it's time to get back to the OP.

 

OP: do you want to be her friend: yes or no?

 

Only you can answer that question based on your experience with her and your own values.

 

We don't know her, we don't know you and it doesn't affect us in a personal way.

 

Hi - I am fooledonce and I WAS an OW. So because I was, I felt I was "qualified" to answer the question. Are there new rules I am unaware of that state only certain posters can post?

 

I don't see anyone "going after" WF. I see that many gave our views, and WF didn't agree with them and tried to imply that some how the OP was in the wrong.

 

I disagreed with that and still do.

 

What's the big deal? Many fOW and current OW can see situations differently. We are allowed to answer the question, state our views and debate the views. Many disagreed with WF; so what. Isn't that what online groups are about -- getting various views and thoughts?

[whichwayisup]

At this point, she WILL begin to see (and care) who this behavior hurts.

Not if she has deep feelings for this guy, and I think she does, but isn't ready to admit that to herself. Why else would she get so defensive about it? Obviously her emotions ARE a factor.

Am I in the infidelity forum? Where are the OW at?

 

Anyone can reply, doesn't matter what their background is, or what their situation is in their life to reach out and answer someone's thread.

[White Flower]

Hi - I am fooledonce and I WAS an OW. So because I was, I felt I was "qualified" to answer the question. Are there new rules I am unaware of that state only certain posters can post?

 

I don't see anyone "going after" WF. I see that many gave our views, and WF didn't agree with them and tried to imply that some how the OP was in the wrong.

 

I disagreed with that and still do.

 

What's the big deal? Many fOW and current OW can see situations differently. We are allowed to answer the question, state our views and debate the views. Many disagreed with WF; so what. Isn't that what online groups are about -- getting various views and thoughts?

I never implied she was in the wrong. I asked her to look inward and see if she had perceived her friend differently because of the revelation and asked if her own reaction to that is what might have caused a change in her friend's change of behavior. That's all. Even the OP said she 'might' have misjudged her.

 

And I agree with you, we should embrace all perspectives.

 

And for the record, she did ask for the opinion of OWs.

[D-Lish]

I have a super close friend whose marriage began falling apart when her and her husband couldn't get pregnant. He started blaming her- she started taking fertility drugs and going through the painful process of insemination... they spent mounds of money and he really put her through the ringer making her feel bad for not being able to get pregnant.

 

The whole process really messed her up. Anyway- she met a guy at work that she started an affair with. I found out about it one night when a bunch of the girls went out and he showed up and she left with him. She used me as an excuse (saying she was staying at my house) and that brought me into the affair as an accomplice.

 

I didn't abandon the friendship with her. It's not in my nature to do so.

She is incredibly troubled and lonley in her marriage. She loves her husband- but he blames her for not being fertile! This has messed her up.

 

I have focused on being her support. I am not going to abandon a friend in need just because she is doing something I don't agree with, I am going to be there for her and help her through this.

[In Like Flynn]

Drop an anonymous letter to the husband!!!

[fooled once]

Actually, she said

I'm interested in this group's thoughts regarding my choice to keep a distance.

 

which I took to mean the posters at LoveShack.

 

And WF - let me grab all the posts where you implied the OP was wrong

 

She STILL is a generous and compassionate person. Her affair does not change her DNA nor her personality. She may defend her actions since you NOW know and approach her on a subject never discussed before in your history as friends. You never questioned her compassion and generosity before and now she feels you are dismissing those qualities simply because she is sleeping with someone she is not married to/having an affair with/another woman's H. Her innate qualities have not changed so do not see her in any different light.

 

Be very careful about being concerned about her reputation within the company. She may be feeling defensive toward you because since confiding in you, YOU may be the one to ruin her reputation. She trusted you with that confidence so you need to reassure her that her secret is safe with you. Once you do that, she'll not be so defensive around you.

 

Are you sure she is the toxic one? I'm thinking it is your feelings about her actions that is the toxicity you feel. Take away your judgment of her sitch and see how toxic you feel.

 

stop judging her and allow her to deal with this all on her own. It is her business, not yours.

 

She said that her friend changed behavior AFTER CF2 got her to spill the beans and then wondered why. I only pointed out why she sees her behavior changing.

 

I'm not even sure CF2's friend would have ever divulged the info had she not been prodded.

 

Asking for more information, by definition, is prodding. You are a friend, and it may have been pertinent to prod because you care for her. By suggesting you were prodding, I was not accusing you of intentionally prodding in order to use the information against her. Yet, I did want to convey that once she shared her story knowing that her behavior changed she may have felt more vulnerable around you. Have you ever considered that your knowledge of her affair may have caused a change in your behavior? She may have sensed that, causing her behavior to change?

 

Thirdly, it was my very concern that you were seeing your friend under a judgmental light. Now it appears you have just proven it. I never said you were judging; I only said she may have perceived that you were and how you should handle it if you still cared about her.

 

So how did me and others get the impression that you were implying she was 'wrong' yet you never did? Your posts above weren't, IMHO, very supportive of the OP, more trying to poke at her about how SHE was judgmental and invasive and in the wrong.............

[NoIDidn't]

We don't know her, we don't know you and it doesn't affect us in a personal way.

 

Precisely, and yet WF seems to have taken it very personally.

[NoIDidn't]

So how did me and others get the impression that you were implying she was 'wrong' yet you never did? Your posts above weren't, IMHO, very supportive of the OP, more trying to poke at her about how SHE was judgmental and invasive and in the wrong.............

 

Not to continue piling on WF (my last post on the subject, I promise), I agree. This was what I meant by "coming after" the OP.

[White Flower]

Actually, she said

 

which I took to mean the posters at LoveShack.

 

And WF - let me grab all the posts where you implied the OP was wrong

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So how did me and others get the impression that you were implying she was 'wrong' yet you never did? Your posts above weren't, IMHO, very supportive of the OP, more trying to poke at her about how SHE was judgmental and invasive and in the wrong.............

Well, sweetie, I think you should go back and bold all the 'perhaps, may's, perceived's and it could be's' in the very same posts because if you did that, you would hear my voice better than you have. I would do it but you seem to have more time on your hands than I do.

 

And obviously she meant OWs, otherwise she would have posted it in another forum.

 

It is amazing how some people love to jump on an OW or exOW for the sake of jumping them. The OP asked and we shared. If she didn't want to know some answers she shouldn't have asked the question. I never said she 'did' anything; I asked her to look at what might be perceptions on both sides (her and her friend).

 

There is one who jumps me regularly and almost every time I explain myself she apologizes. I can't help but wonder why she jumps the gun so easily each and every time. And I'll be clear about this, I am not naming anyone on this thread.

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't see anyone "going after" WF. I see that many gave our views, and WF didn't agree with them and tried to imply that some how the OP was in the wrong.

 

What's the big deal? Many fOW and current OW can see situations differently. We are allowed to answer the question, state our views and debate the views. Many disagreed with WF; so what. Isn't that what online groups are about -- getting various views and thoughts?

 

It's pretty apparent we do see differently.

 

When a poster is aggressively attacked post after post, I'd call that going after someone.

 

What's the big deal? Well that's the million dollar question isn't it?

 

The big deal is that WF is my friend and she's been around here alot longer than you. When someone goes after my friends, it's like they go after me.

 

The big deal about this forum is that it's a place where people who feel like they have no one can come here and get lifted up. Find a shoulder to cry on and acceptance. This forum has lost it's intended purpose and I find that a tragedy.

 

This forum gave me friends when I felt had no one to talk to. And as much as I am able, I will try to ensure that for those this very forum was created for: the OW.

 

All the attacks really piss me off and I guess that's why I feel compelled to speak out.

[Tony]

I don't feel that this thread is serving a useful purpose any longer. The OP hasn't been back in a while. Let's close it before we have all out war, as usually results when threads are allowed to continue forever. Many thanks for all who participated.