Update on the old thread (inability to respect lack of intelligence)

[Eleventy]

Well, just a short little update to anyone who was watching the old thread at all. I recently went out with a girl who was great in all sorts of aspects, but concerned me when she texted me in order to solve a simple subtraction problem.

 

Just wanted to give you guys something to think on given the context of that thread.

 

She owns a few tiny dogs that always bite at her from time to time. I was trying to explain to her some ways to keep the dogs at bay through basic operant conditioning over the phone (ways to get the dog to know that biting is not okay). Basic things like making a noise when bitten to let the dog know he is hurting you, or ignoring it for a while if you're playing with it (dogs love to play and will learn real quick to avoid biting).

 

She explained to me that she always used to try scaring it whenever it bit her. I told her this is a very bad way to go about it. Scaring or physically hurting a puppy will only confuse it and damage the relationship you have with it, and usually makes biting worse.

 

Whenever she'd hold one of the dogs on webcam, she wouldn't be supporting its head too well, and so the dogs would always do that head-thrashing motion to keep up (since their spines are simply NOT the same as a human's. They aren't meant to support much weight). She never seemed to understand that the dogs were extremely uncomfortable.

 

So I tried explaining to her very carefully what she needed to do to help train her dog to stop. So she began petting it, and like clockwork, it bit her. She let out a yelp to let the dog know it hurt. So she tried it again and, again, the dog bit her.

 

"What the hell, it still bit me!" And then she popped it fairly hard with her hand! I heard the dog yelp over the phone and then it bit her VERY hard to the point where she was bleeding and needed to go wash off.

 

I told her that training your dog takes time and that you can't expect a magical change all at once!

 

The math issue was one thing, but this takes the cake. She's stupid. I know in the last thread I made, I apologized for calling her dumb because of the math thing, but I simply cannot stand by that anymore.

 

I broke up with her today, and that's that.

[Lizzie60]

I agree.. she is stupid...

 

Find yourself a real Einstein... problem solved.

 

She is immature and you are probably too mature for your age.

 

Find an older woman..

[Eleventy]

Yeah. I guess I was holding onto some strange, irrational hope. It was just a huge letdown. When she was bitten for the final time, I was literally just staring at the wall with a blank expression. I was so disappointed that she, yet again, showed signs of having no judgment whatsoever. She was complaining the entire time about how much it hurt and was upset that I didn't act more sympathetically towards her.

 

I got a bit rough with her and told her that she had it coming. You do not treat your pets that way. So much for "emotional intelligence." This girl's just lacking all-around.

[Lizzie60]

Well then.... you know what to do... (oh.. you've already done it)..

 

forget about her..

 

If you keep posting a thread daily about her.. I will wonder who's ...

[dreamergrl]

Yet not to long ago you said she was by far stupid. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

 

She's not stupid, she's just different from you and what you want. That doesn't mean you need to put her down. A girl's self confidence is quite fragile at that age.

 

I'm glad you let her go, but I hope you did it with some respect and not call her stupid.

[Eleventy]

No, I never called her anything like that, but I made it clear that I was not okay with her doing those things.

 

You still would not say she is stupid? I think these past actions, if anything, solidified it. If hurting small animals is "different" and not "stupid," then we must have very different definitions. Despite the fact that I explained to her very clearly what was ineffective/effective, it's like it went in one ear and out the other, and she couldn't grasp the fact that conditioning your pet takes time. Instead she just disregarded everything and hit her dog anyway, hard enough to where I could hear the slap/yelp over the phone very clearly (she told me she hit it in the face).

 

That's just unacceptable.

[dreamergrl]

Some people react to physical pain. Some people it's an instinct to do certain things. Everyone is different. I'm not saying it's right or wrong.

 

What you'll never understand, despite you being so 'intelligent' is that everyone is human. Everyone will react or do things differently. It doesn't make a person dumb.

 

You cannot expect everyone to be like you. You can't expect a young teenage girl to have the maturity level you do.

 

I think you are a critical person that is going to have a hard time finding a good girl because you have no tolerance for someone who isn't just how you think they should be.

 

You are far from perfect, and lack emotional intelligence. Which to me, is by far worse then lacking what this girl lacks.

[donnamaybe]

I'm sorry, but I have to agree she's not only ignorant but abusive to her little dogs. You're well rid of her. Anyone who continues to side with her is just unwilling to admit they were wrong. Who in their right mind would support a person's choice to smack their little dog around?

[dreamergrl]

It's not about siding with her. I never claimed smacking the dog was right. I'm saying everyone reacts a certain way to certain things. And OP had it in his head she was stupid long before this. He's shown several times that he expects certain things out of a person, and if they do otherwise he deems them 'stupid'. Which I think is purely wrong.

[Eleventy]

I think you are a critical person that is going to have a hard time finding a good girl because you have no tolerance for someone who isn't just how you think they should be.

 

You are far from perfect, and lack emotional intelligence. Which to me, is by far worse then lacking what this girl lacks.

 

Alright, seriously?

 

I'm normally not directly mean to people on forums, but think about what you're saying. That's just ridiculous. *I* lack emotional intelligence here? My rationale and actions are worse than this girl's? I'm being too critical?

 

THE GIRL HITS HER DOGS IN THE FACE. You're going to imply she's emotionally intelligent?

 

I think you've got your head up in the clouds, I'm sorry. There is just absolutely no reason that I can see why this girl needs to be defended, here. You say she's "just different," I say she's an abusive, foolish girl who can't comprehend simple things.

 

Hell, I even clearly told her that hitting/scaring your animals is an extremely damaging and ineffective thing to do to your dogs. Yet apparently that didn't process.

[donnamaybe]

And the ignorant little twit could ruin that little dog's sense of smell which is their most important of the senses! Ugh! I just HATE that crap!!!

[Eleventy]

I think anyone that would "tolerate" someone who punches poor, innocent, confused animals in the face is far, far gone.

 

Just because I was concerned over the fact that she couldn't solve 22-28 without texting me, and concerned over the fact that she directly injures her animals, does not make me emotionally unintelligent. If anything, it just proves my point that this girl's got more than a few screws loose.

 

Sure, I have certain expectations of my significant other. Just because they do something contrary to my expectations does not make them stupid. Her actions themselves are what make her stupid. You continually defend this girl against my claims that she's a complete moron, and I (perhaps rationally) chose to look at the brighter side of the coin by admitting that she was perhaps very emotionally intelligent.

 

I don't think so.

[dreamergrl]

Alright, seriously?

 

I'm normally not directly mean to people on forums, but think about what you're saying. That's just ridiculous. *I* lack emotional intelligence here? My rationale and actions are worse than this girl's? I'm being too critical?

 

THE GIRL HITS HER DOGS IN THE FACE. You're going to say she's emotionally intelligent?

 

I think you've got your head up in the clouds, I'm sorry. There is just absolutely no reason that I can see why this girl needs to be defended, here. You say she's "just different," I say she's an abusive, foolish girl who can't comprehend simple things.

 

Hell, I even clearly told her that hitting/scaring your animals is an extremely damaging and ineffective thing to do to your dogs. Yet apparently that didn't process.

 

An emotionally intelligent person doesn't sit there and correct their SO. They are able to look at one's age, and understand that a certain maturity level is going to go along with it. They don't 'deem' someone who doesn't match their own 'book' intelligence as stupid.

 

I never said what she did was right. Read the post :rolleyes:

 

Besides, honestly, you were ready to rip her a new one over a math problem, which was premature at the time, for all anyone knows, you could be exaggerating on the issue. You even said yourself that you were looking for a way to keep a foot outside the door. When people do that, they tend to over compensate the actual situation.

 

I'm taking her side because of how you reacted previously. Not because she smacked her dog.

 

And again, I never claimed smacking the dog was the right thing to do, but to some people it's a natural reaction. As she gets older, she's likely to grow and mature. She may be less mature if she's coddled by her parents. And as she gets older, gets out on her own, she'll grow out of it, and learn.

 

Everyone is different. Everyone matures, learns, and acts different. If the person is not right for you, then fine, but don't belittle them. That's emotionally immature.

[Eleventy]

An emotionally intelligent person doesn't sit there and correct their SO. They are able to look at one's age, and understand that a certain maturity level is going to go along with it. They don't 'deem' someone who doesn't match their own 'book' intelligence as stupid.

 

I never said what she did was right. Read the post :rolleyes:

 

Besides, honestly, you were ready to rip her a new one over a math problem, which was premature at the time, for all anyone knows, you could be exaggerating on the issue. You even said yourself that you were looking for a way to keep a foot outside the door. When people do that, they tend to over compensate the actual situation.

 

I'm taking her side because of how you reacted previously. Not because she smacked her dog.

 

And again, I never claimed smacking the dog was the right thing to do, but to some people it's a natural reaction. As she gets older, she's likely to grow and mature. She may be less mature if she's coddled by her parents. And as she gets older, gets out on her own, she'll grow out of it, and learn.

 

Everyone is different. Everyone matures, learns, and acts different. If the person is not right for you, then fine, but don't belittle them. That's emotionally immature.

 

Again, not sure why you bring that up. I've rarely, rarely corrected her. I can count such occasions on one hand out of all the conversations I've had with her. I'd say that's hardly "emotionally unintelligent."

 

I think you set the standard way too low for 17 year olds, acting like they're completely retarded, defenseless creatures incapable of thought. Anything they do is somehow excusable because they don't know any better or something.

 

This isn't a matter of deeming a mismatch of intellects as "stupid." The FACT THAT SHE DID THESE THINGS is what makes her stupid. Do you understand the difference? Like I've always said, I'm not after a genius. That isn't a standard of mine. But for God's sake, don't rely on me for extraordinarily simple things out of mental laziness, and don't abuse your animals.

 

And no, I'm not exaggerating anything in the situation. Everything I've said depicting the situations has been 100%, objectively accurate.

 

I don't care if "it's her reaction" to hurt the dog. It may be my desired reaction to punch the clerk at the store because he cheated me out of 5 cents. It doesn't make it an appropriate thing to do. Immaturity is not an excuse for one's actions. She scares and abuses her pets and then wonders why they bite her all the time. It has everything to do with improper training.

 

Everyone's different, sure. Some people are mature. Some are funny. Others are smart.

 

Others are just stupid and abusive, and there's really no point in trying to sugarcoat it.

[dreamergrl]

Again, not sure why you bring that up. I've rarely, rarely corrected her. I can count such occasions on one hand out of all the conversations I've had with her. I'd say that's hardly "emotionally unintelligent."

 

I bring it up because you've admitted to doing so. Correcting people is rude. Coming down on a 17 year old girl who is emotionally impressionable and probably still figuring herself out, is demeaning. As a boyfriend you are suppose to be supportive and loving and caring. If she's not right for you, then move on, don't continue to inflict negative responses upon her.

 

I think you set the standard way too low for 17 year olds, acting like they're completely retarded, defenseless creatures incapable of thought. Anything they do is somehow excusable because they don't know any better or something.

 

Not really. Being 17 these days is extremely different then it was when I was 17. Many parents give their children whatever they want. Many kids are lazier then what they were. A lot it has to do with their up-bringing. You can't completely condemn a teenager, especially if they were spoiled by their parents. It's how they ended up being raised. Now if she was an adult, and in the real world, I'd be more concerned.

 

This isn't a matter of deeming a mismatch of intellects as "stupid." The FACT THAT SHE DID THESE THINGS is what makes her stupid. Do you understand the difference? Like I've always said, I'm not after a genius. That isn't a standard of mine. But for God's sake, don't rely on me for extraordinarily simple things out of mental laziness, and don't abuse your animals.

 

It's been a matter of a mismatch. She wasn't right for you prior to this either.

 

And no, I'm not exaggerating anything in the situation. Everything I've said depicting the situations has been 100%, objectively accurate.

 

I don't care if "it's her reaction" to hurt the dog. It may be my desired reaction to punch the clerk at the store because he cheated me out of 5 cents. It doesn't make it an appropriate thing to do. Immaturity is not an excuse for one's actions. She scares and abuses her pets and then wonders why they bite her all the time. It has everything to do with improper training.

 

And maybe how she acts is a result of an improper up-bringing. I don't look at a person purely based on their actions, I look at the whole picture. Even if their actions are wrong, most of the time it is due to how one was raised, or prior situations, and what not. She's 17, and she can completely grow as a person. When she's 22, if she gets out on her own, becomes more independent, I bet these actions of her disappear.

[donnamaybe]

If she has a mean streak at 17, she'll have one at 22 as well.

[dreamergrl]

If she has a mean streak at 17, she'll have one at 22 as well.

 

That's not for sure. I am very different then I was at 17. I was a very angry kid for many reasons. As I grew up, I learned to deal with that anger, and not react in such ways.

[Eleventy]

Regardless, you still act as if they are incapable of autonomy at 17, like negative actions are dismissible because they may have just been improperly raised. I don't care what upbringing was -- there are some actions that are still reprehensible and, yes, stupid. Is it because of upbringing? Is it because of her own setbacks? Who knows. It doesn't really matter either way -- the net result is the same.

[tigressA]

I have a guy friend who I once dated casually; he was at the age you are now when he met some 17-year-old high school girl when he was at work (server at a chain restaurant). He told me she wrote on a napkin, "Your awesome. Single too?" with her number on it. He said that he was hesitant about calling her because of that grammatical error, but that she seemed nice enough and she was cute. He called her; they ended up dating for about 2 1/2 months before he broke it off because she was too immature, rather unintelligent and spoiled, according to him.

 

Moral of the story is: Guys your age probably shouldn't date barely-legal girls. In my view, you did the right thing. Now you can find someone more mature, who also meets any requirements you have for intelligence.

[dreamergrl]

Regardless, you still act as if they are incapable of autonomy at 17, like negative actions are dismissible because they may have just been improperly raised. I don't care what upbringing was -- there are some actions that are still reprehensible and, yes, stupid. Is it because of upbringing? Is it because of her own setbacks? Who knows. It doesn't really matter either way -- the net result is the same.

 

You're putting words in my mouth. I never said anything was dismissible. I never said what she did was right.

 

By the way, you were okay with accepting your reactions to things due to your upbringing in your other thread. So why is it okay for you at 22 to have certain reactions based on your childhood, but not a 17 year old girl?

 

The net result isn't the same, because she's still growing as a person. You don't know what she'll be like at 22. But she's more likely to grow as a person then you would be, because you're older and set in a certain way.

 

Finally though, you have something correct. Her ACTIONS were stupid, not HER. Just like I think your action of correcting her, and deeming her stupid was STUPID, not you. See the difference?

[Eleventy]

You're putting words in my mouth. I never said anything was dismissible. I never said what she did was right.

 

By the way, you were okay with accepting your reactions to things due to your upbringing in your other thread. So why is it okay for you at 22 to have certain reactions based on your childhood, but not a 17 year old girl?

 

The net result isn't the same, because she's still growing as a person. You don't know what she'll be like at 22. But she's more likely to grow as a person then you would be, because you're older and set in a certain way.

 

Finally though, you have something correct. Her ACTIONS were stupid, not HER. Just like I think your action of correcting her, and deeming her stupid was STUPID, not you. See the difference?

 

And what is a person outside of their words and actions? She's stupid, plain and simple. Deeming someone like this stupid is not stupid, nor is correcting her. Annoying, sure. Belittling, sure. But not STUPID.

 

My reactions are fine because, well, I don't injure small animals! She does. I think that's a pretty damn big difference.

[Eleventy]

I have a guy friend who I once dated casually; he was at the age you are now when he met some 17-year-old high school girl when he was at work (server at a chain restaurant). He told me she wrote on a napkin, "Your awesome. Single too?" with her number on it. He said that he was hesitant about calling her because of that grammatical error, but that she seemed nice enough and she was cute. He called her; they ended up dating for about 2 1/2 months before he broke it off because she was too immature, rather unintelligent and spoiled, according to him.

 

Moral of the story is: Guys your age probably shouldn't date barely-legal girls. In my view, you did the right thing. Now you can find someone more mature, who also meets any requirements you have for intelligence.

 

Yeah, I think you are right. I think this girl's essentially in the same league.

[dreamergrl]

And what is a person outside of their words and actions? She's stupid, plain and simple. Deeming someone like this stupid is not stupid, nor is correcting her. Annoying, sure. Belittling, sure. But not STUPID.

 

My reactions are fine because, well, I don't injure small animals! She does. I think that's a pretty damn big difference.

 

Wow, in your last thread you admitted you should stop correcting her, now you changed your mind and state that it's okay.

 

You know, growing up, I was called stupid on a normal basis by my then step dad. I grew up feeling less and less about myself. It took me a long time to realize I am not stupid. I'm smart at many things. Maybe not this or that. But there's much I'm good at.

 

Calling someone stupid is emotionally abusive. No better then someone being physically abusive. Emotional abuse leaves an internal scar that is hard to heal. Belittling someone, name calling, correcting .... all emotional abuse. Yet, you find nothing wrong with this. I feel sorry for you. Perhaps you date younger because you like the control and you are able to feel 'above' another person.

[Eleventy]

I indeed said I'd stop correcting her. It doesn't mean I think it's such a horrible thing, considering I've only corrected her grammar so few times. It's not like correcting someone's words maybe 3 times is going to absolutely devastate self-esteem. I'm not a Grammar Nazi, even though improper grammar does bother me.

 

So are you perhaps defending this girl because you keep extrapolating the situation to you and your stepdad? That's hardly fair, if so. I am not your stepdad, and this girl is not you. Calling someone stupid is indeed mean, to be sure. But honestly, when a girl starts resorting to abusing animals, I am not really going to hold back when it comes to being accepting and kind. After that incident I didn't even insult her. I just told her I was done.

 

I also never said she wasn't good at things. She's gifted with art and things of that nature. Doesn't mean she's good at analytics. Doesn't mean she knows how to treat an animal with decency. Doesn't mean she's not lazy. Doesn't mean she knows how to listen or follow instructions or even understand what's being said to her.

 

I see plenty wrong with directly abusing someone emotionally, but I was hardly abusive to this girl at ALL. I was nothing but sweet and kind to her. The dog thing was simply the last straw and I bailed out.

[dreamergrl]

I indeed said I'd stop correcting her. It doesn't mean I think it's such a horrible thing, considering I've only corrected her grammar so few times. It's not like correcting someone's words maybe 3 times is going to absolutely devastate self-esteem. I'm not a Grammar Nazi, even though improper grammar does bother me.

 

How would you know? You're not on the receiving end. You're not a 17 year old girl.

 

So are you perhaps defending this girl because you keep extrapolating the situation to you and your stepdad? That's hardly fair, if so. I am not your stepdad, and this girl is not you. Calling someone stupid is indeed mean, to be sure. But honestly, when a girl starts resorting to abusing animals, I am not really going to hold back when it comes to being accepting and kind. After that incident I didn't even insult her. I just told her I was done.

 

You were doing these things PRIOR to the dog issue. You have no issue with calling anyone stupid. You know it's mean, yet you find nothing wrong with you doing this. And yet you think you are emotionally intelligent? Get real.

 

It doesn't matter if she is not me and what not. The fact is that you were still doing things that you know is mean, but you don't think it's wrong. What the hell does that say about you? Not much.

 

I also never said she wasn't good at things. She's gifted with art and things of that nature. Doesn't mean she's good at analytics. Doesn't mean she knows how to treat an animal with decency. Doesn't mean she's not lazy. Doesn't mean she knows how to listen or follow instructions or even understand what's being said to her.

 

So, you're 'smart' and good at things, but you can't seem to comprehend that it's wrong to say mean things to people, especially someone who is still learning, growing, and becoming an adult. Where's your emotional smarts on that one????

 

 

 

I see plenty wrong with directly abusing someone emotionally, but I was hardly abusive to this girl at ALL. I was nothing but sweet and kind to her. The dog thing was simply the last straw and I bailed out.

 

Good for you for bailing finally. I'm sure she'll be better off for it. And if you see plenty wrong with being emotionally abusive, you'll stop belittling people.

 

I doubt that you'll be happy with anyone. You can't even accept your own faults.