cleavens Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Well here’s my story….I’ve been separated for approx. 2 ½ years…married for 15 years, my husband is a alcoholic among other addictions….if you know what I mean….I have left Roger 3 or 4 times in the due course of our marriage…because of his drinking and verbal abuse, however, it was only for short period of time say a month or so…he would call me everyday and beg for me back and mention how he can’t live without me so the idiot I am went back to him you know stand by your man well that’s B--- S---!!!! But I truly believe I reconciled for our Son. But the weird thing is I love the guy and also HATE HIM….. he is a selfish self centre individual it’s a given, my entire time with Roger which is approx. 20 years….has been very confusing….and still I think about him everyday. I was devastated when he told me that we should separated….and that’s only because he was starting to see another women which he meet in REHAB, and the bizarre thing is I instantly know she liked my husband when I meet her at a meeting….and I even told Roger…that I’m a bit concerned about MARY….and that he was spending too much time helping her especially when according to AA rules she should have been seeking advice from her sponsor…any way’s eventually 1 year after the fact he told me we where no longer compatible !! and guess what he is with MARY …. But nevertheless, he hurt my soul deeply especially when my son wanted to live with his dad…so I didn’t fight with the situation I packed my stuff moved in temporarily with my mother and my son lived with his father….big mistake but I truly believe Louie needed to experience this to appreciate me more…I didn’t want him to resent me like he did the past when I left Roger…and he also mentioned to me as I was leaving Mom its Dad’s turn to take care of me your always there for me…and I just started crying and I couldn’t believe that a 12 year old boy had said that too me but I was truly devastated. The good news is he’s living with me now…but the bad news is he smokes dope and drinks a bit…and that really scares me.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]There’s so much to say it would take me hours …now Roger has left Mary for the 4th time and is back in the surrounding area and dropped by last Saturday night and you know the rest……I just can not understand why I can’t forget this guy he has literally ruined my life….I know I’m an attractive women and I deserve the best…its been almost 3 years and I haven’t been with anybody except ROGER….there is something wrong !!! and I just can’t figure it out….HELP….HELP[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Carmen[/FONT][/sIZE]
lupa Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 From my brief time here: work on yourself first. Step 1) You sound like you could use a therapist. This is not a bad thing, it is a person with which you can talk through your feelings, wants, goals, etc. Step 2) Start exercising, even if it is only going for walks. Set goals here as well, and work to improve yourself. A sense of pride can work wonders from what I've read to this point. Step 3) Find either friends or an activity you can do. I just came out of the darkest part of my fiasco, and even though I've wanted to get out and get going, I couldn't until last night, and that was brief, but it felt good. Step 4) Once you have started working on yourself, and start to have goals that you achieve, that is when you look outward. Believe me, the first thing I did is try to go on a date when my wife walked out. I actually had a really good time, but it just made things even more confusing...I wasn't ready, and the woman was very understanding. My point is that you need to get to the right place before you start looking...and usually (or at least this is what I'm hoping), you don't even have to start looking. Once you know what you want, and once you are ready, it should be pretty easy to see what is in front of you. Step 5) Tell Roger or whatever his name is..."I'm done." Take a stand. I'm still trying to work out my marriage, but even taking a little proactive approach last night in a phone call just made me feel better. I still think it will end badly, but I'm feeling better. There are a lot of smart people here...and they don't always agree with each other. Read a lot, listen, and choose a path that suits you. Also, expect that you are going to mess this up repeatedly at first, until you learn. People just aren't programmed naturally with how to have good relationships. Believe me when I tell you that it is something you have to strive to learn...I'm trying now, and regardless of what happens, I'll be better off in the end. Hope this helps!
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Hi I can relate a little bit I think? I was with my ex for 18 years and he left 3 months ago. I think you are being a bit hard on yourself here. 20 years is a really, really long time to be with somone and although it's been 3 years since you seperated, it's going to take time for you to get over this. I read somewhere that it can take 1 year for every 4 years you were with someone to truely move on. So now he's back again, this other women has gone and he wants you back? Or you discovered you still have feelings for him? Do you really still have feelings for this man or is it a strong desire to return to the familiar, that which is easy because you haven't yet moved forward with your life and found new happiness? I agree with Lupa that it would be a good idea for you to see a therapist to talk things through with. You've had a lot to deal with, the break down of your 20 year marriage, an alcoholic husband, an adulterus husband, your son living with him and the OW for a while, now this. It's too much for anyone to cope with. A therapist will be able to help you figure out your feelings and start to move forward with your life. I hope I've been of some help to you. Please do keep posting.
2sunny Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 the evidence doesn't show that Roger is working a program of recovery - for his addiction or his marriage. this isn't for YOU to fix... step away. go to al-anon... they can help you with a healthier perspective.
hopesndreams Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 now Roger has left Mary for the 4th time and is back in the surrounding area and dropped by last Saturday night and you know the rest…… So, you are back with Roger until such time as Mary takes him back or he goes back to Mary? Are you back with Roger until such time he finds another Mary? Where the hay is your Mary? (Harry) You love him, but hate him too. It's darn confusing, cause that's not how it's supposed to work. But because you've been doing it for 20 years it's hard to break a bad habit. But you can if you put the work into it. Tell Roger to take a hike and to stop using you, even though you are using him as well. Like Lupa has said, work on yourself! Why do you dislike yourself so much to be able to live your life this way? Find the answers and then do something about it, as in getting rid of the dead weight. Find someone new once you work on your self-esteem issues, and yes, a therapist would be a great in helping you do this.
Author cleavens Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Thank you for taking the time to read my story....and I appreciate your input and I think your right....I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist and hopefully, he/she will be able to rectify my issue. Cheers, Carmen:)
2sunny Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Thank you for taking the time to read my story....and I appreciate your input and I think your right....I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist and hopefully, he/she will be able to rectify my issue. Cheers, Carmen:) SHE can rectify your issue? oh god, you don't understand that all she can do is point out the issue at hand - which you already know as you've stated it here - and help with solutions... that is where YOU come in... it is up to YOU to do the work and to take action on her suggestions... much like what you're getting here... only you will be paying her money. this isn't about him, her or anyone else - this is about what YOU are willing to do to change your situation.
Author cleavens Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Your absoluately.....correct.....thank you!
Recommended Posts