asuman Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I don't know why this popped into my head this morning. But it has, so I need people to give their input on it because I'm second-guessing myself as I go through my daily emotional swings. The "ex" and I dated for 2 months, about 7 dates. It was not a relationship. Around our 3rd or 4th date, she sent me an email to basically tell me and give full disclosure that she doesn't commit to one person quickly or easily. This was a message to me that she was dating around, as I saw it, which was fine with me since I was too. It was around this same time that we began to get a bit physical with each other, basically just making out and holding hands. Nothing more. Our 7th date was really nice and more physical than the others. But after that 7th date, we didn't see each other for a few weeks and I began to get a bit anxious. (Ok, very anxious. See my posts here from that time period. I had clearly fallen for her.) This culminated in my calling her last weekend. I reacted harshly to that conversation, although I kept my feelings about it to myself. I'm now questioning whether I misunderstood what she was trying to say. So here's exactly what went down, in as much detail as I can remember: Me (after some small talk): So, it's been a few weeks since we've talked to each other, and I enjoy going out with you but I guess I wasn't sure exactly where we were... so I wanted to know, do you want me to keep asking you out? Her: Well, right now I don't see this being a long-term thing. [i honestly forget her exact verbatim words but that's the best I can remember, and she definitely used the "long-term" phrase]. Me: Ok. Well, I guess I just wasn't sure how you felt since it seemed like our dates were going really well, but we didn't really communicate in between them. But, anyway, I have to say that I really enjoyed getting to know you. Her: I feel the same way. We can still hang out and stuff if you want. Me: Maybe some day in the future we can do that, but to be honest with you, I've begun to develop feelings for you so you may not hear from me for a while. Her: Ok. That sounds like a good plan. Me: Ok, good. Bye. As I type this out, I think I'm answering my own question, but I'll throw this out there anyway: we're not crossing signals, are we? She's not saying, "Let's still go out on dates," is she? Did she interpret my question to mean, "I want to be in a relationship with you right now"? Because that's NOT what I meant and not what I would want at the moment. (I'd just need to know that it's eventually going in that direction). I know I'm over-analyzing here, mixed in with some wishful thinking. But your opinions will be appreciated to set me straight.
boogieboy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Yeah when you said "develop feelings" she knew you were attached to her and she didnt want that. You got yourself attached to a women who wasnt that into you at the time. She took it as you awanted a relationship.
Ronni_W Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Actually, I think you both did EXCELLENT communications! No, she's not saying "let's still date." No, how you phrased it is highly, highly unlikely to be misinterpreted as "let's get serious." (Tiny chance...but she sounds aware and intelligent enough to have totally understood exactly what you meant.) She doesn't see this as a long-term thing. Yes, it sucks. Hugs.
boogieboy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Ronni, I dont think so. he made good communications, but in trying to develop a thing like he was tryin to do, he just showed her all his cards. And if he talked like this way on the few dates, and especially the last one, he laid all his cards out on the table and ruined the mystery. He basically did the equivalent of saying "I want to marry you and give you everything you'd ever need" to a really pretty girl in the bar that he never met before. Me (after some small talk): So, it's been a few weeks since we've talked to each other, and I enjoy going out with you but I guess I wasn't sure exactly where we were... so I wanted to know, do you want me to keep asking you out? Me: Ok. Well, I guess I just wasn't sure how you felt since it seemed like our dates were going really well, but we didn't really communicate in between them. But, anyway, I have to say that I really enjoyed getting to know you. Me: Maybe some day in the future we can do that, but to be honest with you, I've begun to develop feelings for you so you may not hear from me for a while.In a perfect world, we can just spill out how we feel to everyone we date, but not everyone is THAT into us, so we have to have some restraint. Not everyone weants to know, and not everyone gets attached as fast as we do. Its not always necessary to say how you feel especially this early in the relationship. Asuman, with the next woman, try not spilling your guts until the woman does. The woman wants to pursue too yknow. Play it cool.
Ronni_W Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 the equivalent of saying "I want to marry you and give you everything you'd ever need" to a really pretty girl in the bar that he never met before. BB, I appreciate your take. It's just that my own mind cannot get to where yours is . It doesn't really matter, though. Whether she heard, "Let's do dating lite," or whether she heard, "Marry me and have my kids" ... she was crystal clear that she is not interested in pursuing things to any depth. Even her saying "we can still hang out" comes across to me as some 'pity offer', or just saying that to be 'nice', rather than a genuine interest on her part. That is, no matter what asuman might have said, it's just not coming across that she was ever too interested, not from the get-go. Asuman was honest with his feelings, and I'm just not seeing that he conveyed them in a needy or threatening way. If it DID freak her out then, IMO, she has a lot to learn about both the art of dating and the art of conversation. In any case, that is the way to find out if/when a person is or is not interested in us. Had he hidden how he felt, he'd be going along, developing deeper feelings for her and THEN, months or a year later, finding out that she's just never been that into him. That would suck even worse, IMO. asuman, like I said. It does blow. But I'd encourage you to not make yourself crazy by second-guessing. For what it's worth, I really think that you handled your side of things appropriately and maturely.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Mystery isn't interesting to some of us. IMO, it's cause for distrust. People who hide themselves usually have good reason why they need to, which means to me, they're not relationship material. You handled it well asuman. My only criticism is on her side. She should have been more clear. It's time to move on from this girl. She's not seeing anything long-term in your dating arrangement.
Author asuman Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Mystery isn't interesting to some of us. IMO, it's cause for distrust. People who hide themselves usually have good reason why they need to, which means to me, they're not relationship material. You handled it well asuman. My only criticism is on her side. She should have been more clear. It's time to move on from this girl. She's not seeing anything long-term in your dating arrangement. @#*$&!!! I'm mad that this got screwed up because I. developed feelings for her. But I guess I can't change or control that. It just happened. My plan has to remain the same. Get over her. Date other women. Don't talk to her. Drop 10 pounds and climb a mountain. If she. contacts me at some point during this time period, I guess I'll see what happens, but judging from your reactions I'm not counting on that ever happening. This one's going to be tough to forget about though. I'll keep slogging through it. Each day is better than the next. %@#*$&!!!
Thomas X Forever Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Asuman, is this your first relationship with a girl? (Well, or close to relationship rather)?
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 @#*$&!!! I'm mad that this got screwed up because I. developed feelings for her. But I guess I can't change or control that. It just happened. My plan has to remain the same. Get over her. Date other women. Don't talk to her. Drop 10 pounds and climb a mountain. If she. contacts me at some point during this time period, I guess I'll see what happens, but judging from your reactions I'm not counting on that ever happening. This one's going to be tough to forget about though. I'll keep slogging through it. Each day is better than the next. %@#*$&!!! You didn't screw anything up. It's okay to have feelings for someone else. If you didn't develop feelings for her, why would you keep dating her?
Author asuman Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Asuman, is this your first relationship with a girl? (Well, or close to relationship rather)? Uh, no, not even close. This is however my first time dating a chick for more than a few weeks and it not developing into a relationship, so it is foreign territory for me in that sense.
Author asuman Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 You didn't screw anything up. It's okay to have feelings for someone else. If you didn't develop feelings for her, why would you keep dating her? Touche. I guess I should distinguish between being mad (which I am, at the situation) and having regrets (which I don't, or shouldn't).
GirlBytheOcean219 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Uh, no, not even close. This is however my first time dating a chick for more than a few weeks and it not developing into a relationship, so it is foreign territory for me in that sense. I got a weird feeling when I read this. It sounds as if you may have low self esteem and are overcompensating. Just my 2 cents
Author asuman Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 I got a weird feeling when I read this. It sounds as if you may have low self esteem and are overcompensating. Just my 2 cents Not sure what this means so you'll have to elaborate.. I have certain insecurities like any dude would I guess but low self esteem hasn't really been a problem in my relationships. I'm pretty picky in who I pursue.
Thomas X Forever Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'm actually curious as well Girl. Not that I agree or disagree. Just want to hear the basis of that observation
GirlBytheOcean219 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Well maybe I should say he seems passive aggressive and defensive. If you even begin to challenge him in any way shape or form, he reverts to stating accomplishments. (An example would be how he has "many girls" or things of that nature). It just seems fake, and as if it stems from low self esteem. Or as if he's trying to convince himself, by stating this type of stuff. I don't know, I don't like the way he talks about girls/himself, and I really don't like how passive aggressive he seems when threatened/challenged.
Thomas X Forever Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Well maybe I should say he seems passive aggressive and defensive. If you even begin to challenge him in any way shape or form, he reverts to stating accomplishments. (An example would be how he has "many girls" or things of that nature). It just seems fake, and as if it stems from low self esteem. Or as if he's trying to convince himself, by stating this type of stuff. I don't know, I don't like the way he talks about girls/himself, and I really don't like how passive aggressive he seems when threatened/challenged. Do you have a degree in psychology? This is a pretty advanced observation, imo
desertsun09 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Girl: I didn't get that impression at all.....still tring to see how u arrived at that. I think ASUman was just stating that its not his first relationship and that this is the first time he's fallen so hard in love with somebody so quickly. I didn't get any weird vibes from that at all. Asuman: I can totally tell you loved this girl. It seemed like it was going to be so perfect and u guys had some really good times in such a short period of time. And that sucks when it comes to an end so quickly because there was so much hope built up in it. I think u handled the communciation good....i just think she doesn't know what she wants. U didn't do anthing wrong, so don't beat yourself up over it. x
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