megken Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 My ex and I were together 12 years, married 10 and have a child together. We got divorced, but continued to sleep together for a year. This lasted until last summer, when he (out of the blue, to me) said we could not sleep together anymore, it hurt him too much. The truth was (I found out later) he had met someone new (there are old posts on here about it). Thus followed a year of NC and LC. It was a difficult, emotional and painful year. But, i was getting better and moving on and here's where my story starts... 6 weeks ago he showed up and we started sleeping together again (he had broken up with the other girl 3 months previously). He calls me all day, every day and we see each other almost every day. he either calls when he gets off work to see if I want to go to dinner or just shows up..almost every day. The problem: he keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants. He says he's scared to get hurt again..what if he's leading me on...he's not sure what he's doing...on and on and on... He's also said I am the best girl he'll ever have and he's always loved me... 6 weeks ago he was still talking to other girls, but has since stopped.He says he's afraid if things don't work out between us he'll have nothing (so is scared to stop talking to other girls) I no longer know what to say when he says he doesn't know what he wants..it seems obvious to me. My thought is if you don't know what you want...why did you come back to ME? There were other girls he was talking to, why not them? Since he was the one to come to me..he obviously thought about it, decided to do it and here we are. I know I need to talk to him soon..what am i supposed to say??
Nuala83 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 The problem: he keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants. He says he's scared to get hurt again..what if he's leading me on...he's not sure what he's doing...on and on and on... He says he's afraid if things don't work out between us he'll have nothing (so is scared to stop talking to other girls) I no longer know what to say when he says he doesn't know what he wants..it seems obvious to me. I know I need to talk to him soon..what am i supposed to say?? You obviously still care about the guy so I don't wanna speak ill of him but MY GOD what a piece of work!!! He's scared to get hurt again??? He slept with you for a year after getting divorced then dropped you as soon as someone new came on the scene. Then he finished with a girl he was seeing, ran back to you but continualy protests "I don't know what I want". Personally I think he wants castrating. He also wants to talk to other girls just so he can have a fall-back in case the two of you don't work out??? I don't think you should say anything. I think you should back away, stop sleeping with him and start dating. After all (to quote your ex husband) "if things don't work out between the two of you, you'll have nothing". Sorry if this is harsh but he sounds to me like he's having his cake and eating it too.
Excellent Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 6 weeks ago he was still talking to other girls, but has since stopped.He says he's afraid if things don't work out between us he'll have nothing (so is scared to stop talking to other girls) He is pretty much admitting in your face that he wants you and considers you nothing more than a backup. He wants you to wait until he finds someone he can go steady with, and when that happens he'll vanish from your life again, without caring. Imo, that sickens me. But if you want to be a backup-plan it's up to you, i would tell him to f-off.
Author megken Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Intellectually, I know everyone is right. Emotionally, is a different story. last summer his actions crippled me. I couldn't eat, sleep or function. Last year was the hardest of my entire life and just when I was really starting to feel better...here he comes back. It's been 6 weeks now with no answers and i know it's time to make a stand. I want to have a conversation and discussion, like adults, but no longer know what to say (even though it may be obvious to everyone else!) What do i say??
Author megken Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 here's where were at now...He's been talking to the other ex recently and still has feelings for her..can' say they will never be together again (but circumstances right now and future prevent that) me; he's scared to trust me and he will be with me until those feelings go away or he's tired of having them... now what??
Nuala83 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 me; he's scared to trust me and he will be with me until those feelings go away or he's tired of having them... What does this even mean??? Did he say that to you? Why would he be scared to trust you? Did you cheat on him during the marriage? Did you initiate the divorce? Did he stray during the marriage? Now he's told you he still has feelings for the other ex?! Maybe I'm missing some vital information here but the guy sounds like a total and utter d*ck!
Author megken Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 yes, he said this to me. I never cheated on him (or he me), but I initiated the divorce (which he didn't want). He was completely crushed and hurt. However, I stand by my reasons for wanting the divorce at that time (he had anger problems..nothing physical..just very chaotic) He also tells me he's always loved me, can't stop thinking about me and even with other girls thinks of me...BUT..he also thinks of her. About her: 22 with a small child...the first girl since me to be with him and made him feel better after the divorce,,however, he has told me that behind her back he did many things that were not good ( I don;t know what they were and she doesn't know)meanwhile they were together 8 months and have been apart 4 months since(she broke up with him and has since been with someone else) It sounds to me like rebound and attachment and an utter mess... Not a d**k so much as immature and emotionally needy...
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