murphomatic Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 So I've concluded that things between my current girlfriend and I must come to an end. I'm verging on misery in our relationship and exist feeling like I have a constant bullseye painted on my forehead. She's explosive, critical, and judgemental, alongside irresponsible and immature. Some of you may have read my other thread in the "Dating" section. I've never dated someone as volatile as she is, and I honestly fear how she'll respond to me concluding our relationship. I would typically break up with someone face-to-face, but this is the first time that I've had doubts about how effective that would be. What are some methods that other LS members have used when ending things with a short-fused, explosive, and emotionally abusive partner?
playlislay Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Have you tried to actually talk to her about it? How you feel? If youre not open and honest about how you are feeling then how do you expect her to work on her faults? Present her with the idea that she is going to lose you because of it, or even have a break to let her see what she will lose if she doesnt change her ways. Just remember, just because you argue and she see's that you are upset by it, it doesnt mean that she knows exactly how you feel. Oh and remember that we cant read minds either
NopeNah Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Wow. Just saw your other thread in the dating section. Glad to see you're getting out of that mess! She sounds similar to my ex. Mine however makes a good living and takes care of her son fulltime. but, the "snappish" bitchy behaivour is so close it's scary! It's true that no matter how beautiful they are, when they behave like that it makes them ugly! I got to the point when i moved out that I couldn't stand the sight of her. My stomach would knot up an hour or so before she would get home. Almost, like a child on report card day with a few F's to show dad.. No way to live this life! Again..Glad to see you're letting this go! Goodluck
Phateless Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Wow, this thread hits so close to home it's freakish. Was thinking about posting but you saved me the trouble! I tried to end it with my girl the other night and well... we're still together. Seeing her so upset broke my heart, we were both sobbing, and we're trying to work on it now. We had talked about this many times before but never had I crossed that line to try and end it. I think she's taking it a little more seriously now. I wish you all the best. The only advice I have is that if you're sure, just do it, one way or another.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I responded in your other thread. Get out of this relationship, as soon as possible. Phateless, you need to read his other thread. I don`t think your gf is like this one but I could be wrong.
Phateless Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Tony - please combine these two posts. Couldn't edit. Honestly, I think it's a basic immaturity thing. I'm sick of trying to "train her" how not to be sarcastic, reactive, passive-aggressive, petty, prideful, etc etc etc. It's getting ridiculous.
Phateless Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I responded in your other thread. Get out of this relationship, as soon as possible. Phateless, you need to read his other thread. I don`t think your gf is like this one but I could be wrong. TBF, definitely not to quite the degree that his is, but it does come close at times.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 TBF, definitely not to quite the degree that his is, but it does come close at times.If it`s a consistent issue, then it`s time to pack up your marbles and go home.
NopeNah Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 TBF, definitely not to quite the degree that his is, but it does come close at times. My ex was not as bad as his either,CLOSE at times! I know I stayed and tried to make it better for us both. It became a one way street after almost two years of living together(we were together 5years). We ofcourse had our good days but, those were soon out numbered by the bad. So, I moved out once the lease was up and like you couldn't end it. I tried to several times but, it was like there was so much history to throw away, even if it was for the best. Finaly she left me..haha!
sugarmomma Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Is this the same girl you broke up with from your previous thread? If so, you've been dealing with her crap for about a year. Wow! You may want to examine why you've overstayed. She seems to be really cruel and cold hearted. Some people are really clueless of how their behavior effects others and how to effectively communicate. I hope to never be in another r where the person doesn't bring out the best in me.
Author murphomatic Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 No no - not the same girl. The previous one I broke up with last December. This current girl is one I've been with now for about 6 weeks.
sugarmomma Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Wow! I would have guessed that it was the same person. One thing that I can say is that most people don't know how to communicate effectively and it can be a dealbreaker for many relationships. I also look for someone who is a good problem solver and knows how to resolve conflict as opposed to using sarcasm, criticism, judgement or condescenion. I think if you have communicated that you can't deal with these things and people continue, your hands are tied and you are forced to do what's best for you. If not, these things have a way of chipping at one's self worth until it becomes non-existent. It is a very sometimes subtle form of abuse. Sarcasm never really bothered me until I realized the kind of damage it can create. You describe her as explosive. Wow! How long did it take before you witnessed that personality trait? Have you broken up with her yet? I wish you the best.
burningashes Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I read your other thread. I was like that actually, maybe not that bad but I had to learn how to be less "volatile" and take simple questions as is. I felt like I was being put on the spot so I would become defensive. I saw that this was upsetting my ex, so I stopped because I valued his feelings and the relationship between us. It wasn't easy for me because I would often have to take a time out to ask myself questions, "If he did this, would I get mad?" etc. It was problematic for my ex because he didn't feel like he could talk to me about anything without getting his head bit off, and furthermore, how could we possibly talk about serious issues in the future? So I cleaned up my act and started to really listen to what he was saying rather than picking apart his words to use as weapons. Your girlfriend isn't doing anything to resolve her method of communciating, so I'm happy that you're packing up your bags to leave after numerous attempts to convey this issue to her. Do it face to face- of course, expect that she will get upset and probably will say nasty things to you. If you guys share mutual friends, expect to hear things that she was the one who dumped you, etc. It sounds like she likes to be in control, so she will go out of her way to make it sound like she ended it with you for whatever reasons. Be clear as to why you are leaving- say that she isn't listening to you when you guys argue, and it's over little things. You just don't see a future with her because if serious issues arise over little things, how can you possibly discuss serious topics that will arise like fiances or moving in? You need her to work WITH you, not against you- therefore you two aren't for each other communcation wise. Spell it out to her if you have to, and leave. Good luck!
Author murphomatic Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Thanks sugarmomma and burningashes. Sugarmomma - I guess I've been with her now for 9 weeks not the 6 I typed above...I guess this all has me feeling a bit dyslexic. The explosiveness didn't really rear its head until about 3 or 4 weeks ago. I started noticing it being used on 3rd parties when we were out and about, and figured it would only be a matter of time before it was directed at me. I caught my share on June 5th while she was out of town, and at the time - I happened to be rushing my dad to the emergency room and attending to him over the next 24 hrs. Bad setup for the situation - she's away and lonely, I'm incredibly stressed out and focusing my concern on my dad. Needless to say as far as our spat went, I handled it poorly. We were trading light-hearted text messages as I worked my way through the hospital, joking, etc. I made a joke that was in the same theme that we'd been running with, and she took it badly, and chewed my head off for it...I responded in kind and bit hers off. It escalated from there to a basic sparring match where I eventually laid out the issues with the booze and coke.. We broke up over it and then were back together no less than 12 hours later when we could speak calmly with each other. She has been sweet as pie the last few days since our little spat on Tuesday. I don't think I did a very good job then conveying the concept that she was hurting me with her caustic rhetoric. I did tell her that her response was "mean and sarcastic" - and like you stated burningashes - she quickly tore apart my words as a point of debate, instead of hearing the feeling I was intending. I don't know that she could change her method - she seems to get severe tunnel vision when she gets angry (ie - doesn't consider how her words will impact anyone around her - she just let's 'em fly), but like I just stated, since Tuesday she's been absolutely adorable to me. Maybe she realizes her approach with me needs to differ from how she's typically dealt with boyfriends in the past? It's this kind of thing that makes me second-guess myself. I mentioned in the other thread that the good was definitely very good, and she must feel my emotional withdrawl because she's definitely playing up the good (and to those who may be thinking it - NO, she's not plying me with sex or whatever other oafish-man-stereotypes there are out there. Many years have passed since I went through the "I'm-18-and-can-only-think-with-my-d!ck" phase. I know many people never leave this mental state - I'm not one of them). I've spent a few hours over the last couple days with her and her boy, and it has been really wonderful. Who knows ... sometimes I feel so confused about it. While she currently has her son with her, I'll wait until he's gone back to his dad's before I sit her down to talk. If she goes nuts, I'm fully prepared to write most of it off as static. She can say what she wants to, and deal with it however she feels it suits her best. Perhaps she'll surprise me and we'll have a calm, constructive conversation. What's the optimistic pessimist's mantra? Hope for the best, but prep for the worst..? I really appreciate everyone who's taken the time to read my drivel, and for all your words. This forum is simply awesome.
Phateless Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Good luck Murph. Like you, my girl has been super sweet the last few days and I find myself wondering how long it will last. Keep us posted!
Author murphomatic Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 This relationship has finally concluded. I posted a bit of a synopsis over in my other thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193048/ Thanks again to everyone for your objective input and support. I really appreciate this forum!
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