tami-chan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Tami, why do you think ANY BS stays and tries to convince their spouse to end the affair??? For EXACTLY this reason...for the hope that they'll change. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. It's up to the OP to decide what her "breaking point" is in this situation. Heck...that's the only reason NOTSURE7's spouse stayed with him...and sadly in her case, she's been suckered into thinking that he has. of course, it is up to the OP....but it does not stop US to put in our 2 cents and especially YOU, OWL, who tells them emphatically what to do, does it?
Author beanzmom Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 No, it doesn't stop you from putting in your two cents. Especially when I asked for feedback. I know that my H is cheating on some level. I know he's an alcoholic and has told me point-blank that he will never EVER stop drinking. He said that in our MC sessions. But there is much much more at stake here that requires thought and planning before I call it quits.
NOTSURE7 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 . But there is much much more at stake here that requires thought and planning before I call it quits. so take your time, make sure you want this, but i know personally if you take to much time and it stays in your head it can become quite painful.
Owl Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 "Analysis paralysis". You spend all your time gathering information and trying to decide what to do that you end up missing your opportunity to actually have a choice in the matter.
Author beanzmom Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Well, here's the latest. I had a dinner to go to for work (employee appreciation and recognition...I wasn't being honored that evening but it is a nice FREE evening out with dinner and entertainment) on Friday and he blew me off. He didn't call or anything, just didn't show. I waited until it was time to go in and called. He answered the phone and said he had been home for an hour and had just ordered pizza. He was too tired to make the 40 minute drive to spend an evening out with his wife. Didn't even bother to call me to let me know he wasn't coming. blew me off completely. Then we had plans to drive up north for an overnight trip to pick up my daughter who was visiting with my mom. The morning of our departure, H decides he's not going, he's going to stay and work on the basement, which we are renovating. He gave me a laundry list of things he was going to do in the 36 hours I'd be gone. I said okay, and left. I returned home last night and NOTHING was done. He did clean a bit, but that's it. The old paneling was still up, the phone downstairs was not connected, etc. Chances are, he spent the entire time drinking and on the computer. When I got home last night H was watching TV. We have TiVo, so it's not a big deal to rewind programs when we miss something (a must with kids). My son was tired and was crying as I carried him to bed. H cranked up the volume to blasting so he could hear the TV over the baby. I said, "Christ, H, you don't have to do that. We have Tivo, you can rewind it!" He told me "FXXX You" and I looked at him and said, "NO FXXX YOU!" and took both kids into bed with me. He spent the night on my daughter's bed.
whichwayisup Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 This is getting toxic and unhealthy. For you, for your kids.. Something has to change, whether it be he moves out or you move out with the kids.
tami-chan Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Well, here's the latest. I had a dinner to go to for work (employee appreciation and recognition...I wasn't being honored that evening but it is a nice FREE evening out with dinner and entertainment) on Friday and he blew me off. He didn't call or anything, just didn't show. I waited until it was time to go in and called. He answered the phone and said he had been home for an hour and had just ordered pizza. He was too tired to make the 40 minute drive to spend an evening out with his wife. Didn't even bother to call me to let me know he wasn't coming. blew me off completely. Then we had plans to drive up north for an overnight trip to pick up my daughter who was visiting with my mom. The morning of our departure, H decides he's not going, he's going to stay and work on the basement, which we are renovating. He gave me a laundry list of things he was going to do in the 36 hours I'd be gone. I said okay, and left. I returned home last night and NOTHING was done. He did clean a bit, but that's it. The old paneling was still up, the phone downstairs was not connected, etc. Chances are, he spent the entire time drinking and on the computer. When I got home last night H was watching TV. We have TiVo, so it's not a big deal to rewind programs when we miss something (a must with kids). My son was tired and was crying as I carried him to bed. H cranked up the volume to blasting so he could hear the TV over the baby. I said, "Christ, H, you don't have to do that. We have Tivo, you can rewind it!" He told me "FXXX You" and I looked at him and said, "NO FXXX YOU!" and took both kids into bed with me. He spent the night on my daughter's bed. Oh my gosh...please, OP , don't allow him to continue to do this to you and your kids....this is horrible...get some help ...
confusedinkansas Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 IF he is drinking....like you say Sounds to me like his brain is PICKLED! He doesn't care about anyone but himself & whatever little "GAME" he's playing. (I've seen this before in my own husband) I'm not suggesting you leave - I'm not suggesting you stay. But you really do need get off the fence. I do know how horribly hard this is for you. I can't imagine dealing with it & kids too. (mine were out of the house when my husband pulled stunts like this)....Anyway, You don't need "Proof" to get a divorce or a legal separation. So, using an "excuse" of needing more proof, really is just that, an excuse. (I had a million of em') You can't be the "Police" forever - it's exhausting!!!!! Good luck to you.....on whatever decision you make. Peace in your life is a wonderful thing!! Just remember that.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 When I got home last night H was watching TV. We have TiVo, so it's not a big deal to rewind programs when we miss something (a must with kids). My son was tired and was crying as I carried him to bed. H cranked up the volume to blasting so he could hear the TV over the baby. I said, "Christ, H, you don't have to do that. We have Tivo, you can rewind it!" He told me "FXXX You" and I looked at him and said, "NO FXXX YOU!" and took both kids into bed with me. He spent the night on my daughter's bed. OMG, he is the lousy ass cheater and he has the nerve to cop an attitude and say FXXX you?? Divorce this fkn loser.
HsMomma Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 OMG, he is the lousy ass cheater and he has the nerve to cop an attitude and say FXXX you?? Divorce this fkn loser. Dex, you know I usually have something to say to (even mildly) disagree with you but I gotta say, you're dead on here!
Author beanzmom Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Thanks to everyone for your awesome feedback. We are on an upswing as far as getting along, but not sure how long it will last. Typically it lasts a week then it's back to the same old same old. H is probably going to bow out of our camping weekend this weekend. He hasn't made up his mind if he wants to go or not. The kids and I will go anyway. He got mad at me when I told him he should come and spend time with the family. Accused me of calling him a bad father. Said that he "comes home and plays with the kids every day" and "how can you say I don't pay attention to the kids?" GAH! I meant as a family unit, not just the kids! So we'll see if he goes or stays home. Either way, I'm fine, though I'd have more fun without him there!!!!!
jmargel Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Honestly how much longer do you want to be on this roller coaster ride? How long do you want to play detective? How long to you want to continue his assault onto this marriage, you and your children? When are you going to have enough of being his mother? This marriage is an adult-child relationship. As a child he will try to get away with as much as possible. Do you really want to continue to live with his lies, deceit, disrespect and cheating? What are you really getting out of this marriage? Whare are your children learning? What are they feeling? When is it time to make this life about your children and you? Why are you waiting for him to make decisions? Tolerate his behavior and it will continue. Time for tough love, time for you to make decisions. Not doing so will only have a negative impact on you and your children. Start making these decisions today.
Author beanzmom Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Sigh. Why can't I just do this already? Gah!!!!! I keep waiting for our finances to be better, for this to get better, for that to happen...it's all a big waiting game and I need to get off my duff and do something. Sigh.
Author beanzmom Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Okay, there has been a change that may have given me strength to move on and has given me the self-confidence to do it. This weekend I met up with a group of lifelong friends. I wound up talking more to my friend Jim, who happens to have been my first crush. He and I never made anything of the relationship, but have remained in a brother/sister type of relationship most of our young adult lives. We could (and did) talk about everything. He knows more about me than any person in my life, including my real brother. LOL! He is a very special person and I love him for being there for me and offering his undying support in everything Ive done. Okay, after the get-together, Jim and I stayed behind and talked. We talked about my situation and his (he's married as well and a bit happier than I am). He stressed to me time and time again that I deserve so much better than I have and that I need to move on and find someone who can give me the love and affection I deserve and need. He gave me some examples of how his life was during divorce and offered his shoulder to cry on. Well, I did just that. He held me while I cried. It felt SOOOOO good to have someone just HOLD me and not expect sex in return and NOT smell of alcohol. Just that simple physical contact. Just out of concern and caring. Well, I looked up into Jim's face and WHAM it happened. We kissed. I felt guilty immediately. It wasn't something I wanted to do, it just happened. I don't even know who instituted it. We talked for a long time after that about our feelings for each other (which, it turns out, his are very much akin to mine and have been for a VERY long time), he just never acted on it because he knew that we would not be compatible in that way and he didn't want to hurt me and risk losing our friendship (which meant more to him). We decided that it's best not to be alone together anymore (this would only happen if we set it up intentionally, so there's not a problem maintaining this), to handle this in an adult way without doing anything that could harm our families. We have been in each other's lives for too long for NC and both feel we can handle this with responsibility. After all, we've been friends for 20+ years and have dealt with these feelings through (combined) three marriages, kids, etc. We have texted each other several times since Saturday (this is NOT uncommon for us to do) and it's business as usual--kids, work, etc. He sent me pix of the kids at the zoo and we talked about that stuff. I know what happened, happened because I'm feeling so neglected at home. The thing is, I don't feel guilty the kiss happened in regards to my hubby, I feel badly because I feel as if I betrayed his wife and family and my kids. And we will NOT be alone together again, we have both pledged it. I'm too emotionally needy right now and he's just, well, wanting to comfort me. I know he feels guilty as well. He's dedicated to his family and this was not something he wanted to do. On Sunday, my hubby started drinking at 11:30 a.m. and was still drinking when I got into bed at 11:30 p.m. I can now tell when he's crossed that threshold from buzzed to drunk. There's a certain lilt to his voice that signals drunkenness. Sigh. So I'm taking Jim's advice and making a solid write-down plan. I need to figure out babysitting and all that for my toddler (can't afford daycare) and need to get my stuff in order. This is going to happen. Thanks to a chance kiss by a friend, my life has developed a path.
Author beanzmom Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 correction: This is Jim's second marriage.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Thanks to a chance kiss by a friend, my life has developed a path. Right out of the frying pan and into the fire. Stacking one set of issues on top of another isn't going to provide you with a "path". And victimizing Jim's wife isn't going to improve your outlook. What kind of friend would take advantage of you in the situation you describe? You're headed in the wrong direction... Mr. Lucky
Author beanzmom Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 What that kiss showed me is that I do have people out there that do care for me. I'm so wrapped up in this whole idea of being unlovable. That my hubby is the only man that is going to want to be with my fat butt self. That I"m not worthy of anyone else's affection, nor would I be able to obtain it. To have someone show AFFECTION to me was enough to make me move. And I'm not victimizing his wife. It's because of his marriage that we are taking steps to NOT be in that situation again. she's a wonderful woman and, believe me, I'm feeling sick over potentially hurting her.
Owl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 What that kiss showed me is that I do have people out there that do care for me. I'm so wrapped up in this whole idea of being unlovable. That my hubby is the only man that is going to want to be with my fat butt self. That I"m not worthy of anyone else's affection, nor would I be able to obtain it. To have someone show AFFECTION to me was enough to make me move. And I'm not victimizing his wife. It's because of his marriage that we are taking steps to NOT be in that situation again. she's a wonderful woman and, believe me, I'm feeling sick over potentially hurting her. So are you taking action to go NC with him, forever? That's the ONLY way you avoid potentially hurting her. If you opt to divorce your husband, given what he's done, no one can fault you for that. But don't expect a lot of support for starting your own affair from most of the posters here. And this is exactly what you're doing by being "with" this man in any fashion. So what is your plan of action now that you've got this boost of self-confidance?
Andy L Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Your hubby has a lot of problems with his own life and so with marriage (alcohol, cigar, virtual affairs, maybe porn, sex abstinence, ...). Besides MC i think you should try work the marriage with him like seducing him again (make him having more sexual pleasure with you than with "virtual" sex-life... I see the part of his fault, but you should change things on your sexual relationship with him, not having sex doesn't help in anyway.. Sorry for his selfish choices also, he has a wife, a family, should love her/them, take care her/them, but seems he's alright with his mediocre life style. All the best.
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