beanzmom Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Hi: My husband has contacted women via Craig's list and tried to set up meetings for sex. I have proof in the form of forwarded e-mails from our home computer. This started when we were having problems in our marriage a few years ago. He was surfing sites such as Adult Friend Finder and others. I caught him by accident and he apologized and said no more. I was going through some very hard/stressful times and our sex life was, well, pretty bad. Hubby did very little to make me feel wanted/needed/loved, so my reciprocating with sex was forced on my part. We co-slept with our daughter, which pretty much eliminated any chance of real romance in the bedroom. I asked repeatedly to go to MC, but he kept declining. A few years later, I found him again online. this time, he was chatting. I found e-mails and pix he had shared with a woman in China. Nothing sexy, but pics nonetheless. I knew he was staying up all night chatting but didn't know that it was sexual in nature until I found a bottle of lotion on the table. I confronted him and he said it was purely fantasy and that he needed an outlet and that I had emasculated him by not having sex with him when he needed it. It didn't matter that I wasn't emotionally involved in our sex life, nor that I wasn't getting what I needed to feel sexy and open to invitation. It was my fault and anything I said resulted in being called a whiner, a complainer and other sarcastic comments. A year or so after that, it had escalated. I went onto our family e-mail and came across e-mails he had sent to postings on Craig's list for sex with no strings. Some of the e-mails gave specifics (area where he worked, his married life was no good and he might as well be divorced, etc.). I didn't say anything and every morning collected e-mails he sent the night before and forwarded to my personal hotmail account. To date, I have over 20 e-mails he sent back in 2007. I saw an attorney, went home and confronted hubby for a separation. He asked to go to mc. I agreed. We went to mc for a year before he started whining that he didn't think we needed it anymore. It's a year later. Hubby changes the password on the "family" e-mail account frequently and I do not have access. He also has Hotmail accounts that I do not have passwords to. The history on the computer is wiped clean very frequently, hubby says it's because of the antivirus and maintenance he's doing on the computer. It's not routine maintenance as it could be a few days before history is wiped, then it's every day. My passwords I save on the computer are gone at similar intervals which means he's wiping history manually, I assume. I've been feeling lately that he's up to his old tricks again. He works in an office alone, his boss comes in once a week. Perfect meeting place for a rendezvous. He's on IM every day at work and once, when I was in his office, he closed IM so I couldn't see what he was doing or who he was talking with. I talked to a male friend who said that, given the evidence, hubby has cheated or is currently cheating. He said it's not that hard to find someone to sleep with and considering the number of e-mails he sent it would be more than likely that he did hook up somewhere along the line. I do not trust hubby. He is extremely self-centered and selfish (he is an alcoholic and spends an inordinate amount of money weekly on alcohol and cigarettes while I struggle to pay bills) and can be emotionally abusive at times. I am looking at purchasing a keylogger for our computer and am researching software. Opinions are very welcome.
Owl Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 The keylogger is a good idea. What I'm curious about is what you intend to do with the information you get...and/or what you've already got. He's at least been LOOKING to cheat. What do you want to do from here? Do you want to reconcile the marriage (if possible), or file for divorce? It's important to know, because that helps you decide how much more info you really need. It seems to me that you don't really need more proof than you already have...but you need to look for a way to set a boundary and force a change, or to file for divorce if that's your option. See what I'm saying here?
2sure Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Hi: It's a year later. Hubby changes the password on the "family" e-mail account frequently and I do not have access. He also has Hotmail accounts that I do not have passwords to. The history on the computer is wiped clean very frequently, hubby says it's because of the antivirus and maintenance he's doing on the computer. It's not routine maintenance as it could be a few days before history is wiped, then it's every day. My passwords I save on the computer are gone at similar intervals which means he's wiping history manually, I assume. I've been feeling lately that he's up to his old tricks again. You KNOW what it is happening. This has already been established in the past between the two of you. His excuses, explanations, etc are just that and you don't buy them and I can't believe he expects you to. You dont need proof - you KNOW what is happening. So, stop ignoring the elephant in the room and TELL him. When my H was cheating, on line - he permanently lost all privacy regarding emails and cell phones. We have recovered, and I dont check them anymore but I could and he is completely comfortable with that. No longer an issue. WHY does he require so much privacy?? Married people , healthy married people, do not usually require that degree of privacy from each other. Once a couple has experienced infidelity - and you have - it is essential to become and to STAY transparent. In a way, it is both of you acknowledging that there is a problem or potential for one - and taking care to protect the marriage together. Your H has an addictive personality. Addiction makes people comfortable with being selfish. He is addicted to alcohol and the internet as escape. Next step, and he has probably taken it, is full on affairs. PERIOD. Talking about it, getting apologies and promises is basically doing nothing.
Ariadne Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Opinions are very welcome. Divorce this guy or leave him alone. Else, let him have all the sex he wants if you want to stick to him. You are not giving him any sex, what you are doing is abuse, needless to say your snooping around. At least let him have some privacy.
Author beanzmom Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Wait a minute...I'M being abusive? I've stuck by him through thick and thin, bore him two children, kept his family going, provided for him financially (I'm the breadwinner in the family), handle all bills and obligations social and legal, cooked his meals and cleaned his house and get very little in return, only to be made a fool of by his internet dealings? And I'M abusive? Why, because I do not get what I want via our relationship and have sex with the guy even though he repulses me because of his alcoholism and his infidelities? And I'M abusive? I have every right in the world to know what my husband is doing. Especially when it could cost me more than lawyer's fees and my marriage. It could cost me my life.
Ariadne Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 provided for him financially (I'm the breadwinner in the family), handle all bills and obligations social and legal, cooked his meals and cleaned his house I don't believe you did any such thing, but that's my take. And you said he works in an office.. You are not giving him any sex, and you don't want him to have any, either. That is the abuse. He should be able to get sex if he wants to, is his right and his call. He shouldn't have a detective behind him forbidding to have sex.
tami-chan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 We co-slept with our daughter, which pretty much eliminated any chance of real romance in the bedroom. Why is this? How old is your daughter? purchasing a keylogger What for? your husband is remorseless for past indiscretions. He went to the motions of MC but was not committed to it or you. You have given him enough chances. So unless you are able to tolerate this kind of behavior or remove yourself emotionally from his shenanigans, time to throw in the towel.
Owl Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I don't believe you did any such thing, but that's my take. And you said he works in an office.. You are not giving him any sex, and you don't want him to have any, either. That is the abuse. He should be able to get sex if he wants to, is his right and his call. He shouldn't have a detective behind him forbidding to have sex. You're right...her husband should have filed for divorce if he felt the circumstances of the marriage, and the lack of physical interaction weren't enough for him to hold up his end of the marriage. What you're missing (as usual) is that he SECRETLY BEGAN BRINGING OTHER PEOPLE INTO THE SITUATION WITHOUT THE OP'S CONSENT. That's what's "NOT OK" with all of this. If he didn't like it, he had the option of openly filing for divorce and seeking a new relationship in which all of his needs were fulfilled. YOU are trying to blame HIS POOR CHOICES on the OP.
NOTSURE7 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Beanz- if you read my posts you will see that i can offer you a very good perspective from the other side, because i am just like your H.its actually refreshing to me to be able to try and help someone else here as i have been the one seeking help. the bottom line is he has an addictive personality, he can give you all the stories he wants,he can blame you all he wants, this is just done to justify his actions, i can promise you that he is at the least in an emotional affair with another woman but i would venture to say he is in a full blown affair of some kind and with his behaviour he sounds as if putting you at risk is not even in his thoughts.the fact he is secretive is because he has something to hide,if not he wouldnt close im's etc etc, i live this life so i know. i have visited and posted on all of these sites and all they are is trouble, if he is on there, he knows exactly what he is doing,its very simple to find someone right in your own backyard, they even have married sites now were you dont even have to Bs about being single etc etc, there are many willing married woman and single woman willing to carry on an A with a married man. believe me i know as i am living proof. The only difference is my W has no clue about anything,dosent know computers and i am a great actor and because i provide her a great life,i am a great father and caring husband she suspects nothing, i live a complete lie that i am not proud of but you on the other hand have really all the proof you need that he is having his cake and eating it too.what you choose to ultimately do is up to you. the fact he uses your family account to send his emails is unbeleivable to me and further shows that he either wants to be caught or dosent really care if you know.if you H truly cared about hurting you he would try alot harder to make sure you wouldnt catch him.but i can also guarentee you he has many yahoo or hotmail accounts open too,these are easy to open with little real information needed,the reason he wipes the computer is so that you wont see his every move.beleive me i know i too wipe the computer clean and beleive me its done with a purpose,anti virus dosent wipe a computer clean of cookies and passwords,that has to be manually done. this didint start due to any porblems with you, dont listen to that post about being abusive to him, thats nonsense and you shouldnt waste your energy on that, this started because of him and most likely it has been going on in some form throughout your marriage, this is only what you know about.i gambled,had an emotional affair,gambled again and now i am just getting over but still not out of a full blown A. my point is his behaviour shows a pattern that belive me was not started as a result of lack of sex or anything you did. you dont need a keylogger, this is just more procrastination on your part to be honest i think you know full well whats going on here but dont want to face the music and deal with what will come after, i know its hard, i am struggling with it on my end to do the right thing but an addiction problem requires alot of help and he will not just stop on his own, i have been trying to stop myself for 11 years of marriage now.i am not innocent but i am trying to help you get a look at what is going on here.
Author beanzmom Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Ariadne: I don't believe you did any such thing, but that's my take. Are you for real, lady? Where do you get off telling me that I didn't do what I'm telling you I did? And you said he works in an office.. My husband works part-time in an attorney's office as a low-paid assistant ($8 per hour, three days a week with no benefits). I work to provide healthcare for the family, earn the steady full-time salary and put food on the table. He went back to school last year to finish his degree and I'm paying for that, too, as well as filling out his financial aid applications (to pay for what we can't afford to), etc. You are not giving him any sex, and you don't want him to have any, either. I never said I wasn't giving him sex. If you go back and re-read what I said, i stated that I still gave it to him, albeit not as frequently as he wanted, even though he does NOTHING to make me want him. His continual drinking (the smell makes me nauseous and he continually reeks of alcohol) and infidelities via Internet do nothing for my libido. That is the abuse. He should be able to get sex if he wants to, is his right and his call. No, sorry. That's not the way marriage works. When we got married, he swore to "foresake all others" which means not to go looking for a piece of tail when he wants it instead of focusing on what would make his marriage happier. It actually takes very little attention for me to want to have sex. While I was Pregnant with our daughter, he pushed me away and never came back. He won't even give me a hug or even a pat on the back without expecting sex for it later. So by your logic, I should be able to go and get the emotional attention I'm craving from my husband from anyone and have reciprocal sex with them because it's MY right and call? That's bull. Why get married?????? He shouldn't have a detective behind him forbidding to have sex. I'm holding him to the vows he took when we married and the promises we made to each other before that. Not only that, but what if he brings something home? With AIDS, Herpes, etc. that's out there, he could infect me with something that would change my life or worse...kill me
Ariadne Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 her husband should have filed for divorce if he felt the circumstances of the marriage, and the lack of physical interaction weren't enough... Why should he do this or that? If she doesn't like what he is doing, she is the one that should file for divorce, not him. He may not even want a divorce (but he does want sex).
NOTSURE7 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 beanz-you have alot more on your plate than to be dealing with the nonsense she is telling you,dont waste anymore of your time or energy on that post, she is just trying to provoke you and had succeded, please read my post i think it might help.
betrayed1 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Let me just say that my BF has been doing the same thing for over 2 years. this is not about you or the sex. Everytime I catch my bf doing this (via keylogger) he gets angry and says it is just fantasy. He promises to stop.....then 1 month later, yet another new email account. He has stopped using the computer at home and does this stuff at work now! It has been 1 month since our last episode and he told me never again. I don't trust him and I always have the thought in the back of my head that he just has another email that he uses from work. this is an addiction, fantasy or not it will lead to something more. (my bf went to CL and answered ads too). I find myself obsesed with "looking" everyday if he has posted on CL or had joined yet another group online. I want to beleive my BF but it is VERY hard! our sex life was slow but fine the whole time. So it is deffinitely NOT YOU at all! Choices to make.....you love him....watch him......contfront him every time...and deal with it. (as I am trying to do hoping he will stop) Or GET OUT! I feel for you .......good luck.
Author beanzmom Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Notsure: Thanks for the perspective. And it will be a huge help to me to understand how this all happens. I'm very confused right now, not sure if he's actually stopped it or not. All I know is that he is typically very sexual, always looking for "some". Recently we went nearly three weeks without him even glancing my way. He barely spoke to me. He drank a LOT during this time (a case of beer and a fifth of whiskey in two-three days, though he's declined just a bit since then) and went to bed alone. I checked the history on the computer and it was wiped clean. Antivirus programs don't do this? It needs to be done manually?
Ariadne Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'm holding him to the vows he took when we married and the promises we made to each other before that. (There we go again with the promise in blood carved in stone that women want) You didn't tell him then that you were not going to have sex with him because: he repulses me. You told him you'd love him forever also.
Jilly Bean Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 He is extremely self-centered and selfish (he is an alcoholic and spends an inordinate amount of money weekly on alcohol and cigarettes while I struggle to pay bills) and can be emotionally abusive at times. I think this, combined with the relatively assured belief of his cheating, should be enough for you to end this. I think once trust is gone, as it is with your marriage, it's done. I'm so sorry, btw. Sounds like it's been a rough few years with him.
NOTSURE7 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Notsure: Thanks for the perspective. And it will be a huge help to me to understand how this all happens. I'm very confused right now, not sure if he's actually stopped it or not. All I know is that he is typically very sexual, always looking for "some". Recently we went nearly three weeks without him even glancing my way. He barely spoke to me. He drank a LOT during this time (a case of beer and a fifth of whiskey in two-three days, though he's declined just a bit since then) and went to bed alone. I checked the history on the computer and it was wiped clean. Antivirus programs don't do this? It needs to be done manually? To be honest it sounds like the drinking alotl could be a bigger problem that this but combined you have disaster. he is typically sexual but he is not looking at you because he is getting it elsewhere,i dont doubt that in a stange way he loves you and cares about you but his actions surely arent that of a normal loving H. he is drinking because as enjoyable the sex might be it is also stressful to him because he is married... i live a complete double life, i am home yet thinking of this OW, mine turned into a complete love affair, my point is the stress can be overwhelming trying to keep everything straight and not slipping up. the history is wiped clean because he manually wiped it clean, you go into control panel on windows and click internet options and the dlelte browsing history,there are also ways on individual programs like aol to wipe you trail clean, beleive me he is doing this on his own. the main red flag i see is that you are even still asking this qouestion, it leads me to beleive that you are trying so hard to beleive him and the things he tells you eventhough the evidence is overwhelming here and you know that. its a tough battle and nobody wants to be alone but you need to also take care of yourself and your little ones and protect yourself.
Lizzie60 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Sorry but I don't quite 'get it'. Why would you spend money on a keylogger.. you KNOW he's cheating.. what more can a keylogger brings you. Just dump him... simple.
Ariadne Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Evidence for court. You don't need any evidence for court. Just file for divorce. (But she doesn't want to get divorced either, she just wants him to stay with her and be celibate. Otherwise she would have filed already).
NOTSURE7 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Sorry but I don't quite 'get it'. Why would you spend money on a keylogger.. you KNOW he's cheating.. what more can a keylogger brings you. Just dump him... simple. she dosent need keylogger, he has slipped up enough and to be honest i think he wants to be caught or simply doesent care, i live this life and i do mostly everything at my office and my W is never here, yes i do use the home computer at night sometimes but i am alwasy smart and cautious and never leave a trail, i am not complimenting myself because i know its wrong but i am pointing out that i dont think he is just being careless, i think it has a purpose. As far as evidence for court, she has enough, my sister is going through a divorce and although you see in movies etc that if he cheats its so good for you, most states and courts really dont care at this point, most states are no fault states so basically she can have a video and it wouldnt make a difference, yes it will go to character but she has more than enough already and a keylogger will make no difference
Ariadne Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 he is drinking because...it is also stressful to him because he is married...a complete double life Very good point.
2sunny Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 why are you looking for more evidence? what you already know is more than enough info for any gal. even if he's not cheating - his INTENTION is to cheat - leaving himself emotionally unavailable to you. he has purposely taken himself out of the equation time and time again - and that leaves you with only one option. since he isn't even participating in the marriage and shows no signs of changing this - then the only thing is to have him leave. divorce him. no excuses... he's had ample opportunity to change and he has no intention of considering anything but his own selfish needs... cut him loose... then he can do whatever he wants. you get your life back and the opportunity to find out what happy looks like.
NOTSURE7 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 You don't need any evidence for court. Just file for divorce. (But she doesn't want to get divorced either, she just wants him to stay with her and be celibate. Otherwise she would have filed already). marriage is alot more than just sex and especially when there are children, its not so easy to just get a divorce and she seems to be trying to figure things out rather than throwing it all away. with all i have done i am not sure that my W ,even presented with all the evidence would want me to go,yes life would be hell but in the end i dont think that its just that easy.so give her a break and try to help her instead of just going on and on about the sex issue.
Ariadne Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 try to help her instead of just going on and on about the sex issue. Ok, they should rekindle their love for each other, have a wonderful sex life like they did when they met, and he'll never cheat again. Chances of that... zero.
NOTSURE7 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Ok, they should rekindle their love for each other, have a wonderful sex life like they did when they met, and he'll never cheat again. Chances of that... zero. i dont disagree with that point either.he has been doing this all his life, as have i, so to beleive that it will end just because he says he will change is ridiculous. but there could be something there that if he was willing to maybe get help it could possibly change. i think right now she is trying so hard to hold onto something and is afraid of being alone so all i am saying is try and be compassionate and not provoke her with the not giving him sex abuse, this has nothing to do with that and everything to do with his addictions and need to live a complete lie.
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