did i overreact?

[hibiscus21]

Last night me and my boyfriend were playing a game. On one of my turns it required me to take one of his pieces, so I did. He is competitive and I guess that was a piece he needed because when I took it he called me a f****** whore. He was just joking around, but I got really offended. :e didn't think it was a big deal at the time. We ended up getting into a really big fight about. I don't think it is i appropriate for him to call me names like that even in joking. He told me he feels like he has to be super cautious with what he says to me now. So I guess my question is, did I over react to this? Since he was joking is it truly no big deal? Do I have a valid reason to be upset? I don't wanna be that gf that he has to walk on eggshells around. Thanks

[Vesaras]

Last night me and my boyfriend were playing a game. On one of my turns it required me to take one of his pieces, so I did. He is competitive and I guess that was a piece he needed because when I took it he called me a f****** whore. He was just joking around, but I got really offended. :e didn't think it was a big deal at the time. We ended up getting into a really big fight about. I don't think it is i appropriate for him to call me names like that even in joking. He told me he feels like he has to be super cautious with what he says to me now. So I guess my question is, did I over react to this? Since he was joking is it truly no big deal? Do I have a valid reason to be upset? I don't wanna be that gf that he has to walk on eggshells around. Thanks

 

I personally don't think you overreacted. It may have been better to talk about it calmly instead of getting extremely upset and fighting about it though.

 

Personally, in my opinion, those kinds of jokes are definitely offensive rather than just jokes, and should never be made. You have every right to be upset.

 

Walking on eggshells? Throwing a "joke" like that around because of a lost piece in a game is practically falling through the earth...let alone eggshells...

[lab_brat]

You are not overreacting.

You are not overreacting.

You are NOT overreacting!

A joke is calling you an evil woman, or a witch, or a thief or something like that.

I'd be ok with those in this context.

F**king whore is not a joke.

It's never okay to call your girlfriend something like that, even as a joke. Do not back down on this one, or he'll think he can call you names like that!

It's just unacceptable, seriously.

I'd be outta there unless there was a v. sincere apology and a promise it would NEVER EVER happen again.

Does he speak to his mother like that?

[hibiscus21]

No he doesn't speak to his mother that way. This was the first tome this has happened. He is a very sweet guy. It just sucks he said that. I don't feel like I over reacted but I feel really bad gor some reason, like I shouldn't think of it as a big deal

[LovelyLeslie]

Hmmm Hibiscus...

 

This is quite a troublesome situation we have here...

Before I can Give advice I first need to ask whether you have cheated on him?

Because then that would make you a F***ing whore, but if not, then his comment was inappropriate.

[lora22]

No he doesn't speak to his mother that way. This was the first tome this has happened. He is a very sweet guy. It just sucks he said that. I don't feel like I over reacted but I feel really bad gor some reason, like I shouldn't think of it as a big deal

 

You SHOULD think of it as a big deal. DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT and DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM (oh, but he's usually so sweet). HE should feel bad he said something so inappropriate and offensive to you. Remember the movie Mean Girls when Tina Fey gives that speech in the gym to all the girls about how bad it is that they call each other whores and it makes it OK for guys to call them that/treat them badly????? TRUE STORY!

[Seer Watch My Ass]

It takes one to know one, I'd dump him.

[Stark]

Yet further proof that male/female cannot be mutually friendly the way they are with the same sex ;p.

 

He meant it the same way that another guy would call a friend a ****ing dick or something, it's friendly insulting play that guys usually do with each other. I think to do something like that he either meant it nasty (you can tell by tone) or jokey, meaning he felt comfortable enough to do to joke the way he would with his friends.

 

Still, he must of realized by now woman are very sensitive to being insulted in the slightest and that you can't behave around with woman the way you can with guys (exactly what I was saying in another thread).

 

Don't act too dramatic about, but just make it clear that male/female are a bit different when it comes to jokey insults.

[lora22]

Yet further proof that male/female cannot be mutually friendly the way they are with the same sex ;p.

 

He meant it the same way that another guy would call a friend a ****ing dick or something, it's friendly insulting play that guys usually do with each other. I think to do something like that he either meant it nasty (you can tell by tone) or jokey, meaning he felt comfortable enough to do to joke the way he would with his friends.

 

Still, he must of realized by now woman are very sensitive to being insulted in the slightest and that you can't behave around with woman the way you can with guys (exactly what I was saying in another thread).

 

Don't act too dramatic about, but just make it clear that male/female are a bit different when it comes to jokey insults.

It doesn't have anything to do with women being sensitive. What he said is inappropriate and offensive. Calling a guy a f'n dick is NOT the same as calling a woman a f'n whore. "Dick" does not have the same connotations AT ALL as "whore."

 

I really doubt the OP would have reacted the way she did, or would be posting here if her bf had called her a f'n dick in jest.

[Stark]

It doesn't have anything to do with women being sensitive. What he said is inappropriate and offensive. Calling a guy a f'n dick is NOT the same as calling a woman a f'n whore. "Dick" does not have the same connotations AT ALL as "whore."

 

I could call my friends a dick, slut, idiot, wanker, almost every insult under the sun yet he would know I never meant a word of it, especially if I was vsing him at something.

 

If you take offence even though you know they don't mean it, it is sensitive. Not overly sensitive, but my point still stands, that woman are far more sensitive than guys when it comes to insulting.

 

They take it personally.

[lora22]

I could call my friends a dick, slut, idiot, wanker, almost every insult under the sun yet he would know I never meant a word of it.

 

If you take offence even though you know they don't mean it, it is sensitive. Not overly sensitive, but my point still stands, that woman are far more sensitive than guys when it comes to insulting.

 

They take it personally.

 

"Whore" and "slut" are very different than dick, idiot, wanker, douche, ass, etc. On top of that, you say you call your guy friends sluts and they don't care or take it personally - well it's much more culturally acceptable for men to sleep around (be "sluts") than women - therefore, what you call your guy friends is irrelevant in how it relates to women, and it STILL doesn't have anything to do with women being more sensitive than men.

 

On top of that, because of the cultural connotations of "whore" and "slut" for women, and many (not all and maybe not most) men's attitudes of women's sexuality (which seems incredibly obvious even here on this board), I would think that at the very least this guy calling his gf a f'n whore, even in jest, is at the very least a serious faux pas, and at the worst an indication or red flag of his attitude toward women.

[Stark]

"Whore" and "slut" are very different than dick, idiot, wanker, douche, ass, etc. On top of that, you say you call your guy friends sluts and they don't care or take it personally - well it's much more culturally acceptable for men to sleep around (be "sluts") than women - therefore, what you call your guy friends is irrelevant in how it relates to women, and it STILL doesn't have anything to do with women being more sensitive than men.

 

On top of that, because of the cultural connotations of "whore" and "slut" for women, and many (not all and maybe not most) men's attitudes of women's sexuality (which seems incredibly obvious even here on this board), I would think that at the very least this guy calling his gf a f'n whore, even in jest, is at the very least a serious faux pas, and at the worst an indication or red flag of his attitude toward women.

 

Those were just off the top of my head. I could call him gay, say he takes it up the ass, he has a bloody small penis, he's an ugly ****, like I said, any insult I would give would be met with laughter or a comment right back.

 

My point was that guys use insults with each other, and despite the words that are used, it's the meaning behind them. If you know there is no meaning behind them, the words are not taken offensively.

 

Woman think different. Say what you want, but being told that you take it up the ass is just as any way offensive to a straight guy than calling a woman a whore, but whereas guys look at the meaning behind the word and don't take offence, woman are more sensitive in that even though they know the comment was not meant to be taken seriously they still take offence.

 

I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying it how it is. The guy should never have done it, not because it was offensive, but because he needs to realize that woman/men think differently on these things.

[lora22]

Those were just off the top of my head. I could call him gay, say he takes it up the ass, he has a bloody small penis, he's an ugly ****, like I said, any insult I would give would be met with laughter or a comment right back.

 

My point was that guys use insults with each other, and despite the words that are used, it's the meaning behind them. If you know there is no meaning behind them, the words are not taken offensively.

 

Woman think different. Say what you want, but being told that you take it up the ass is just as any way offensive to a straight guy than calling a woman a whore, but whereas guys look at the meaning behind the word and don't take offence, woman are more sensitive in that even though they know the comment was not meant to be taken seriously they still take offence.

 

I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying it how it is. The guy should never have done it, not because it was offensive, but because he needs to realize that woman/men think differently on these things.

 

I will admit that my experience with an emotionally/physically abusive ex effects how I think and feel about this issue. It also effects how I deal with men now, which means that NO ONE calls me things like that - I used to be more laidback about it, and now I just see it as completely disrespectful, and not OK.

 

I can also agree that men need to treat women differently, particularly ones they're dating, from their buddies.

[Stark]

I will admit that my experience with an emotionally/physically abusive ex effects how I think and feel about this issue. It also effects how I deal with men now, which means that NO ONE calls me things like that - I used to be more laidback about it, and now I just see it as completely disrespectful, and not OK.

 

I can also agree that men need to treat women differently, particularly ones they're dating, from their buddies.

 

Well in general you are correct. Men should not be overly insulting to their woman because they just think a tad different than us, but what I'm saying is she shouldn't go too hard on him, I mean it's his gf, it would be insulting himself if he meant it.

 

Instead she needs to explain that woman and men are different about these things.

 

I had one ex who I was having a slagging match with while playing a game and she said I had a small penis. Instead of getting offended or self doubt because I knew she was joking, I just responded with " big or small whatever it is, it's big enough to make you squeal" to which she blushed and said "so....?"

 

Just to give an example of different ways men/woman deal with insults .

[Kamille]

It's simple. You don't want your boyfriend to call you a whore or a slut even as a joke. You told him that.

 

He feels like now he has to watch himself around you? Fine. He'll get used to it fast enough.

[hibiscus21]

He meant it the same way that another guy would call a friend a ****ing dick or something, it's friendly insulting play that guys usually do with each other. I think to do something like that he either meant it nasty (you can tell by tone) or jokey, meaning he felt comfortable enough to do to joke the way he would with his friends.

 

 

 

I know thats exactly what was going on, I've seen him play games with his guy friends and he calls them names. When he called me a whore, he was joking, there was no meanness to his tone. However i was offended and i still find it incredibly inappropriate to say to me and i didn't like it. I agree that males and females can't joke around the same way with each other.

 

I don't want things to be awkward between us because of this, but i feel like they are. I just want things to go back to how they were, i've always had so much fun with him, i don't want that to change.

[my body is a cage]

it really depends on how you said it. it can only be construed as overreacting if you said it in a really grave or serious manner, or made a really big deal out of it. it made you uncomfortable and you have every right to express that in a calm way.

[stace79]

I could call my friends a dick, slut, idiot, wanker, almost every insult under the sun yet he would know I never meant a word of it, especially if I was vsing him at something.

 

If you take offence even though you know they don't mean it, it is sensitive. Not overly sensitive, but my point still stands, that woman are far more sensitive than guys when it comes to insulting.

 

They take it personally.

 

It has nothing to do with being sensitive. It's about having respect for females in general, much less your girlfriend, mother, wife or sister. How would you feel about your sister's boyfriend calling her that? Or your friend calling your mother that? Would you still say it's "just joking"? I don't think so. And if you say yes, then you truly have your priorities out of whack.

 

My fiance would never call me a whore or slut, not even joking around. I don't call my girl friends that either. You have some maturing to do, and apparently so do the friends you hang with.

[Stark]

It has nothing to do with being sensitive. It's about having respect for females in general, much less your girlfriend, mother, wife or sister.

 

It's nothing to do with respect. It's about reading the message behind the words. It's why " **** you " to a friend and " **** you " to a stranger mean two completely different things, it's not the words thats said, its the meaning behind the words.

 

The word is just a word, and it depends upon the context it was used in. It was used in a case of competitive-jokeyness, much like guys do with each other.

 

Or are you going to argue here that calling a man whos straight gay and giving said implications that he takes it up the ass is not in any way shape or form equal to being called a whore?

 

This is why you don't do it with woman however because they are more sensitive and get huffy, even if they can establish the difference, hence why they are more sensitive like I said.

 

 

How would you feel about your sister's boyfriend calling her that?

 

If I had a sister and I her boyfriend called her that in a joking matter it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, why should it if its empty words?

 

 

My fiance would never call me a whore or slut, not even joking around. I don't call my girl friends that either. You have some maturing to do, and apparently so do the friends you hang with.

 

Wait a minute, you're the one thats attacking here, yet you deny my point that you're less sensitive. I don't insult woman that way because I realize they take it too personally.

 

Why would I be the one to have maturing to do? Because I look behind the words face value and judge whats being said with the intent behind it?

 

Don't assume to establish I have any maturing to do, you have nothing to make that judgement on. Because I don't take offence at empty words?

[stace79]

It's nothing to do with respect. It's about reading the message behind the words. It's why " **** you " to a friend and " **** you " to a stranger mean two completely different things, it's not the words thats said, its the meaning behind the words.

 

The word is just a word, and it depends upon the context it was used in. It was used in a case of competitive-jokeyness, much like guys do with each other.

 

Or are you going to argue here that calling a man whos straight gay and giving said implications that he takes it up the ass is not in any way shape or form equal to being called a whore?

 

This is why you don't do it with woman however because they are more sensitive and get huffy, even if they can establish the difference, hence why they are more sensitive like I said.

 

 

 

 

If I had a sister and I her boyfriend called her that in a joking matter it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, why should it if its empty words?

 

 

 

 

Wait a minute, you're the one thats attacking here, yet you deny my point that you're less sensitive. I don't insult woman that way because I realize they take it too personally.

 

Why would I be the one to have maturing to do? Because I look behind the words face value and judge whats being said with the intent behind it?

 

Don't assume to establish I have any maturing to do, you have nothing to make that judgement on. Because I don't take offence at empty words?

 

 

You do need to grow up, because if you were mature you would realize that joking or not it is disrespectful to call a woman a whore, joking or not.

 

Maybe that's why I prefer Southern guys -- they know the difference between right and wrong. I don't say F you to anyone, either, friends OR strangers. It's just totally inappropriate.

 

Or maybe you're just so unintelligent that you don't know any words other than obscenities or slang to verbalize your opinions?

[Stark]

You do need to grow up, because if you were mature you would realize that joking or not it is disrespectful to call a woman a whore, joking or not.

 

You need to learn to read, because I already established that you do not call woman whore or not in a jokey manner because they are more sensitive and do not share the same views as men.

 

Why would I need to grow up, because my opinion differs from yours?

 

Maybe that's why I prefer Southern guys -- they know the difference between right and wrong. I don't say F you to anyone, either, friends OR strangers. It's just totally inappropriate.

 

I never said you needed to, and it's totally up to you, but you don't get guys or their humour.

 

Or maybe you're just so unintelligent that you don't know any words other than obscenities or slang to verbalize your opinions?

 

I don't get uptight about things that I don't need to get uptight about. If a friend insulted me and I know he's not meaning it and just joking, I don't see the need to start a fight over nothing.

 

Funnily enough I'm not the one attacking an opinion here, it would be you attacking me telling me to grow up just because I am laid back when it comes to joking.

[Eleventy]

Depends on maturity. I personally would never use those words, even in a joking manner. It just "sounds" wrong to me.

[Lucky_One]

I'm a girl, and I'm from the South (for the poster who said that Southern boys would never say anything like the OP's BR).

 

I have looked at many a friend and said 'Hey did you lose weight? Yeah? Bitch." Or even a f*cking bitch, if she looked really good. I have called guy friends losers, wankers, pricks, *******s, f*ggots; I have called my BF that, especially if he was beating me in a game or holding me down and tickling me until I was hyperventilating, so he called me a bitch and told me to get on my knees to apologize. Neither of us meant anything negative by it at all, and we were both howling with laughter and having a good time.

 

I think you have over-reacted, but maybe just a tad. You say he is sweet and has non-abusive tendencies, and getting into a fight over a name that you KNOW he doesn't think of you as and you KNOW is not accurate doesn't help the situation out any. He called you a teasing name.

 

While those names were REALLY considered horrible and out-of-line 20 years ago, they have become sort of commonplace now. My mom called a man a prick the other day - and she NEVER would have said that 20 years ago. Women cuss in public, and rappers talk about sexual acts in their music that would make a Naval officer blush - and it's an everyday occurence.

[boldjack]

Op, Regardless of what the posters think, if you were offended, then yes It was offensive, to you. Did you over -react? Maybe a little. To cause a big fight over something that wasn't meant to be offensive, will have an efect on your relationship, just as his words will. How about calling "Pax", if he will apologize for the remark , you will try not to be so sensitive in the future.

[hoping2heal]

I can understand your hurt feelings. I don't doubt he meant it in a joking way, but it doesn't feel like that does it? What it feels like, is you're being disrespected. I came from a background where I was called demeaning things all the time by the men in my life (father, brother, molesters etc.) starting from a very very small age. My gf's and I can joke around and call eachother bitch, *******, etc. and it doesn't bother me. But to be called that by a man hurts my feelings. Because even if he doesn't mean it to demean me or cut me down, it always feels like it's a way of putting me down because that's how I grew up being spoken to by the main and first "men" in my life. If it hurts your feelings I don't think you over reacted.

 

Personally, I think it was kind of manipulative of him to say "oh I guess I have to watch what I say around you now." That is just invalidating your feelings.