desertsun09 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I am having a hard time letting go of my ex of 1 and ½ years. The question is why would I want to still be with this person after everything that has transpired? How sick am I? We broke up almost 2 months ago. We had a major fight back in early April over something stupid (and in my opinion, not something that couldn’t be overcome and fixed)…..but he was drunk and ended up shoving me, calling me a bitch and a headcase, and tried to kick me out of his house in the middle of the night (in the cold, in a country where I don’t speak the language). It was like a Jerry Springer episode! I was previously with someone for 7 years who NEVER laid a hand on me, ever. And this guy after a year and a half was already shoving me and disrespecting me in such a bad way. You think I would have ended it that night, but I was too weak and desperately in love with him. Fast forward one month and he dumps me after a very nice day out visiting a castle with some friends and 30 minutes after we’d just had sex (I’m actually quite good at it, so hopefully that was not the reason!). He was a complete jerk about how it all went down and he basically left me in pieces at the train station waiting for him to get on his train back to Belgium (where he lives….it was long distance relationship). I found out I was pregnant like 3 days later, he acted like a complete ass (said it wasn’t his, and was generally mean and dismissive to me). I was crushed, so I went back to the US to get some family support. He initiated email contact saying some politically correct thing like he knew it was his baby, he was going to take responsibility, blah blah blah. Every communication after that was initiated by me. So here I was pregnant with his kid, and he was an absolute ass during the whole thing. My dad called him just to let him know the medical situation and asked if he was going to do the right thing, etc, and he said he would. But the thing was, he didn’t bother to check on me, and it was always me doing the chasing. He eventually agreed to come over for an appointment, but made it clear it was only for the baby, not me. 2 weeks later I went back home and woke up with blood everywhere, having miscarried. It was a really scary time, I was all alone and he acted like it really wasn’t a big deal. I called him to tell him about it and he was somewhat sympathetic but mostly robotic. So now here I am a few weeks later, a complete mess, and missing him for some reason. I called him last Sunday in an effort to get some closure and he said he never wants to date me again, there is no hope of reconciliation. He acted rude on the phone as well (poured his beer and brushed his teeth while on the phone). Even when things were “good”,it seemed the balance of power was off. I was the one pushing for it to be more serious, he led me on and he said all the right things like he wanted to get married and have kids, but his actions spoke differently, he moved away to a different country, and I followed to a city that was close to his new city. It wasn’t so much about the things he did, but the things he didn’t do. It’s the little things. I had to sort of always train him to be romantic and motivated, kiss in public, hold hands and I am the type of person that wants more attention and affection. He just wasn’t capable. He was 36 and had only been in a 1 year relationship with someone before me. Very commitment phobic as well. This seems like it should be a no brainer, so why I am I still hung up on him?
asuman Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 This guy was a real creep. You dodged a bullet with him. You're just hung up on him because that's how emotions work. You got attached to him so as slimy as he was it will take time for you to detox. Just give it time. I've also had this experience with someone very negative, and in hindsight it makes me cringe to think that I actually "missed" her at any point or wanted to be with her. You'll get there eventually, trust me.
Taucher Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I agree with asuman. The way I see it is, you feel like this because, despite everything, you were still in love with him. However, your love for him would not have lasted much longer due to the way he treated you. I am certain that if you were still together, you would have left HIM (and been the dumper, not dumpee) within a year or something. He dumped you because he is an idiot. If he hadn't, you would have dumped him, also because he's an idiot. Either way, same result. T
Author desertsun09 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Thanks guys, sometimes it just takes someone from the outside looking in to tell you reality. My love for him is clouding up my ability to think logically and step away from this mess. I'm just hoping that in time, i'll feel better. Right now, I just feel like crap. DS x
hopefulInFuture Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I think lots of it has got to do with psychology. It seems that we women have this tic that we try to change the men for the better. And we hang in there with all the "what ifs" believing that they still could change. We need to get past this behaviour. I don't think it's got anything to do with love. True love does not hurt you and does not make you feel worthless. If you can't work at it by yourself, maybe, you should consider seeing a counselor.
asuman Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Feeling like crap = normal Feeling like you still love him = normal Just stay the course, no matter how your emotions struggle. Listen to your inner instincts. They're rarely wrong, and I guarantee they are telling you how toxic this guy was for you.
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