D-D Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I met a girl on a dating site. After about a week of e-mail and chatting exchanges we agreed to meet in person. We had a date this week which I thought went well. She seems like a really kind and intelligent person. I'm not 100% certain if there is relationship chemistry, but I could certainly see at least some potential. The problem I have, is I don't find her too physically attractive. She isn't ugly or anything, she is just not my type physically. I tend to prefer slim/athletic girls. She is a bigger girl (curvy) and carries a little more weight than I find attractive (has a bit of a belly). She subtly admitted this on the date, and does workout/run to stay fit. I realize that not everyone gets to be skinny in life, and I certainly respect someone who makes an effort to keep a healthy weight. In all honesty, is she flattened her stomach a bit (lost about 10-15 lbs) I would likely find her attractive). I apologize if I sound really shallow, but it is honestly what I am attracted to and I can't deny it. Lots of guys who like curvy girls would find her attractive. I am a slim/athletic build, and have always been attracted to a girl of this same body type (it's not like I'm fat and demand that I only date skinny chicks). I can't decide whether I want to go on another date with her. I feel that it would be rude to lead her on if she has feelings for me, if I am just going to ditch her down the road when I meet someone who meets my physical criteria. At the same time, I feel like I may miss an opportunity for a relationship if I tell her that I am not interested in anything beyond friendship. Am I too embarrassed to date a "chubby" girl because of what other people will think? My friends and co-workers have always seen me with really attractive/fit girls and I wonder if I am so shallow that I worry about what people will think of me if they see her with me. Or should I just admit to myself that I don't really find her attractive, let her go and find someone else who I find attractive? Could some one suggest what I should do?
carhill Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Since you pull athletic/slim ladies without issue, why agonize here? Physicality is no indicator of compatibility nor emotional/intellectual stability. It is, however, for you, a key component of attraction. Don't deny that. Embrace it. Personally, I'd fight convention and go on a walking date the next time, just to see whether her money is where her mouth is. FWIW, a good person (woman or man) can have a 'few extra' but have the motivation and mindset to live a healthy and active life, meaning they're more likely to respond positively when faced with such challenges as weight gain, which is insignificant to some of the other life challenges which await you. This is where a good person with a positive attitude shines as a partner. Can you find that within your range of attractive body types? Absolutely. I'd say to politely cut her loose and pursue what is your truth. I'm just exploring possibilities. Good luck!
EddieN Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I feel the same way, man. I need to have the girl be a bit athletic-looking at least...it's just what I'm attracted to. Don't sweat it.
pinkbubbles Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 ya i agree there has to be some type of physical attraction there. I'm actually a girl who likes fit guys. though i have dated a guy who was a little chunky he was still very good looking, funny, smart and loved playing sports all of which are reasons i dated him despite his lack of a 6pack.
BobSacamento Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I hear ya man. I struggle with the sense of entitlement to a slim woman. I just feel like I bust my ass keeping the weight off the woman I see myself with should be the same way. Also I think heaviness can also be a sign of laziness and gluttony. Two things that aren't very attractive in my book. Last point, I also struggle with the idea of what my friends will think of the woman I am with. Funny thing is they all want slim women and they are all alone LOL. I know, I'm terrible and immature.
Author D-D Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 I feel bad telling her I am not interested just because she is a little overweight. I always thought I was open and accepting of others and really wasn't "shallow". I really don't find her physically attractive. I guess life isn't fair sometimes. If she was a little fitter, I would have no problem seeing her. She has way more personality than most of the skinny chicks I have been on dates with. I think it would be wrong to date her and hope that somewhere down the line I will find her physically attractive.
Maxis Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I feel bad telling her I am not interested just because she is a little overweight. I always thought I was open and accepting of others and really wasn't "shallow". I really don't find her physically attractive. I guess life isn't fair sometimes. If she was a little fitter, I would have no problem seeing her. She has way more personality than most of the skinny chicks I have been on dates with. I think it would be wrong to date her and hope that somewhere down the line I will find her physically attractive. I wouldn't physically say that to her outright...be nice about it if you really do decide not to date her. I think it's perfectly understandable. I think being comfortable with how your partner looks is important. It never helps if the person you're with turns you off in some way. Anyways, seriously. If/When you turn her down, tell her something like, "I don't feel like there's that chemistry between us," or something along those lines. Don't just be like...YO YOU'RE CHUBBY I DONT LIKES YOU
mammax3 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I notice that you're not still with any of the slim and fit women you've dated previously. You mention that you find her attractive in ways other than her physicalness. I say she should get another date at least and see if there's a connection in ways deeper than the skin level and maybe there'll be a longer relationship. Just tossing it out there.
Author D-D Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 I wouldn't physically say that to her outright...be nice about it if you really do decide not to date her. I think it's perfectly understandable. I think being comfortable with how your partner looks is important. It never helps if the person you're with turns you off in some way. Anyways, seriously. If/When you turn her down, tell her something like, "I don't feel like there's that chemistry between us," or something along those lines. Don't just be like...YO YOU'RE CHUBBY I DONT LIKES YOU LOL....Yeah, I was going to tell her I didn't feel any chemistry or "The Spark"! I would never be that mean and say something like that to her!
D-Lish Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 No reason to actually tell her outright that the reason you don't want to go out with her again is because of her weight. Telling someone something like that will hurt her unecessarily. I have a certain type I like, and although I have dated guys that don't fit that criteria- I usually only date them short term. Intelligence and wit is super important- I've dated a few "simpler" guys because I liked the way they looked... but the attraction rarely lasts.
Cora Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I agree that maybe you should at least give her one more date just to be sure there is no connection. But by no means should you settle! If such things repeatedly turns you off like her looks and you know you wont be able to get past that then no she just isn't for you. If you do think you could get past that then great! I don't find you shallow at all. You are just being honest with what you are looking for and everyone has there preferences.
v g Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I always thought I was open and accepting of others and really wasn't "shallow". I really don't find her physically attractive. I guess life isn't fair sometimes. If she was a little fitter, I would have no problem seeing her. She has way more personality than most of the skinny chicks I have been on dates with. I think it would be wrong to date her and hope that somewhere down the line I will find her physically attractive. IMO being attracted to someone that's fit and trim is not being shallow. You are attracted to what you are attracted to. It's that simple. That being said, have you ever spoken with someone that is super attractive and the more you interact with that person, the more unattractive that person becomes? Have you ever experienced the flip side of that? As previously posted, she might be worth another try just to see. But the bottom line is that if you're not attracted to her, you can't force yourself to be attracted to her. And if she asks why you're ending things, as in wanting details, just stick with the 'not feeling the chemistry' line. Good luck with whatever you decide.
carhill Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 So, OP, how do you deal with rejection? How do you process a "no" when you ask a woman out or a "I'm not feeling it" from her after a date? There ya go
Island Girl Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I say follow carhill's advice. You like to exercise. Walking is a great way to do that and get to know someone. She said she likes to work out -- and you said 10-15 pounds would make a difference. That isn't much at all and maybe with some healthy eating and exercise sessions that would happen. You said there was relationship chemistry. And that she is a gem in so many other ways. Weight is put on for many different reasons and a lot of that could be a more sedentary lifestyle, eating habits, self esteem, etc. All of which having a new love interest assists with. Haven't you ever heard of the story about the guy, the girl, and the cows? What you found attractive in her is much harder to find than a hard body. Sometimes people are worth a bit of an investment. As far as not wanting other people to see you with her because you would care what they'd think -- if you maintain this attitude you are going to be alone because everyone has a different opinion and, as you mentioned, look at your lonely friend.
Author D-D Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 So, OP, how do you deal with rejection? How do you process a "no" when you ask a woman out or a "I'm not feeling it" from her after a date? There ya go I usually get over it and move on. No point on dwelling on somebody just because she is no longer interested in me. But I have been in this situation several times, so I have learned that it is not a personal attack in most situations. I'm not sure what you are implying by this comment? My guess would be you are suggesting that I simply let her know that I am not interested, move on, and not worry about hurting her feelings? Please correct me if I have misinterpreted your post.
Author D-D Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Alright....I called her and told her I just wasn't sure if there was chemistry, but that I would be willing to go out with her again if she felt differently. She said she would like to see me again, so we are going to go on another date. That fact that I felt bad telling her I wasn't interested suggested to me that I should probably give her another chance. So we'll go out again, and if I still feel the same, then I will politely end it there. Thanks for the help in getting my head together.
Cora Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I do think you should have gone on the date before bringing up the whole chemistry thing or if you were ready to tell her about it then you shouldn't have planned another date....but that's just my opinion. I hope it works out!
carhill Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I'm not sure what you are implying by this comment? My guess would be you are suggesting that I simply let her know that I am not interested, move on, and not worry about hurting her feelings? Her psyche and yours aren't that far apart, so following the guidelines you've seen women use when rejecting your advances sounds quite reasonable. You say you were able to not take the rejection personally and move on, so expect her to feel likewise. That said, seeing as how you apparently intend to go on another date, make it one where some walking is involved, like touring the theater district or something similar (I always enjoy walking Broadway or 5th Avenue in NYC, as an example). You can get a good feel about her that way. If she's right there with you and having a good time, that's a signal; if she's complaining and she's hungry and her feet hurt, that's another signal. I'll bet you'll have clarity by the end of the date, and maybe even be surprised
Island Girl Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 That said, seeing as how you apparently intend to go on another date, make it one where some walking is involved, like touring the theater district or something similar (I always enjoy walking Broadway or 5th Avenue in NYC, as an example). You can get a good feel about her that way. If she's right there with you and having a good time, that's a signal; if she's complaining and she's hungry and her feet hurt, that's another signal. I'll bet you'll have clarity by the end of the date, and maybe even be surprised carhill you are such a master genius. I completely agree that you may just be surprised OP.
Author D-D Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 I do think you should have gone on the date before bringing up the whole chemistry thing or if you were ready to tell her about it then you shouldn't have planned another date....but that's just my opinion. I hope it works out! Yeah, that was probably good advice. Wish I thought of that. I just sent an e-mail explaining myself (because she read right through me). She has since replied to said e-mail. We seem to have ended it on a good note, so I will leave it at that. I hope she finds the person that she deserves. As for me, live and learn I guess. Onward and upward....
Cora Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Yeah, that was probably good advice. Wish I thought of that. I just sent an e-mail explaining myself (because she read right through me). She has since replied to said e-mail. We seem to have ended it on a good note, so I will leave it at that. I hope she finds the person that she deserves. As for me, live and learn I guess. Onward and upward.... That's the spirit!!
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