dreamergrl Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'm curious on everyone's thought about something... How often do guys really want just a regular friendship, like hanging out kinda thing. No sex, no kissy mushy stuff... just a friendship? And how do you keep things at a friendship level? What if you don't want to date, but interested in the opposite sex to be friends with (you have a lot in common with them and such), how do you draw those boundaries, and what signs are there that would show they are getting interested? If they become interested, can you keep things at a platonic level, or is it better to back away?
Island Girl Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 It's safe to assume if a guy is hanging around with a girl he'd like to sleep with her. He may not be pursuing it but thinking he'll be there if the opportunity presents itself. OR he is the nice guy who is always the friend and that is generally how he finally wins girls over to being his girlfriend (in this instance he is harboring feelings) Or <interject any type here with motive being sex with the girl> There are the gays who do not want to sleep with the girl. And then there is the very minuscule percentage that can actually just be friends only with no other thoughts, motives, etc. at all like our member carhill. Girls usually think they are just friends with a guy and then it gets uncomfortable when the guy makes a move or discloses his feelings.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'm curious on everyone's thought about something...ctive How often do guys really want just a regular friendship, like hanging out kinda thing. No sex, no kissy mushy stuff... just a friendship? And how do you keep things at a friendship level? What if you don't want to date, but interested in the opposite sex to be friends with (you have a lot in common with them and such), how do you draw those boundaries, and what signs are there that would show they are getting interested? If they become interested, can you keep things at a platonic level, or is it better to back away? Yes in certain situations. 1. When she is very unattractive. 2. When I'm already dating a woman I like. Now, I am pretty sure there is a story behind your question... so I will help you out and say #1 can't be an option for your guy.
QuietOverAllHoops Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 If you think he's in love with you, then you should have a ring on your ring finger when you see him. He'll get the picture.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 So the chances are that a single guy just wants to be friends with me are slim? Great, well what am I suppose to do if a guy wants to be friends with me, but I'm on sabbatical?? That sucks. I get along better with guys then most females. I have some male friends that are just that, but I've known them for a loooong time, and it was when I was in a relationship, and I met them through a mutual friend. Or what if I meet a guy that I just want to be friends with now, and would consider it after my sabbatical is over?? I'm trying to meet new people that I'd have fun doing things with. Like, I love to golf, but I don't know any girl here that likes to golf. I like going out to shoot pool or darts, but when I go out with a female, all they want to do is giggle and flirt with guys. I like going camping, and out door stuff. It's hard meeting new people dang it. I'm not having a good sabbatical week. The chance of me going off to work in another state isn't looking good (I was way excited about that), I want to go out and do stuff, but I'm having a hard time finding people to hang out with. The event staff job I was also hoping to get, well they were reviewing my application last week, still nothing back from them. And girls don't like me much when I try to be friends with them. Must be something I do.
cyril's fan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I've had platonic friends and it's worked well. Neither of us is attracted to each other that way so there's no problem of that. You probably just need to make it clear. Do you know why girls don't like you much? If you know, then maybe you can adjust? Not saying you have to change yourself, but adjusting is part of life.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 I've had platonic friends and it's worked well. Neither of us is attracted to each other that way so there's no problem of that. You probably just need to make it clear. Do you know why girls don't like you much? If you know, then maybe you can adjust? Not saying you have to change yourself, but adjusting is part of life. I don't bond well with most girls. I see so many girls having these great friendships with other girls, and I just can't seem to find it for myself. I tend to feel more at ease around guys then girls, for the most part. Some guys I feel a bit intimidated around. There's been some girls in my life that I've had a blast with. But I've moved around so much, I lose contact... I dunno, I wish I knew what made it hard to be friends with girls.
lora22 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I dunno, I wish I knew what made it hard to be friends with girls. You're meeting the wrong girls My mom and my sister sound pretty much like how you're describing, and honestly, when I meet some of the girls they've tried to be "friends" with, it's no wonder to me why they have problems/don't really hit it off/whatever. I, on the other hand, pretty much am only friends with girls; I honestly do not believe that in 90% of the cases guys and girls can only just be friends. I have tons of girl friends, but can count the number of guy friends I have on one hand. I think other posters, particularly Island Girl, pretty much nailed the why on the head.
motive2002 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD7vOXW5Gmw#t=1m33s
Stark Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 To be perfectly honest most guys prefer other guys company when it comes to just being friends. I mean most of the stuff guys do, be it drinking beer, gaming, physical sports, poker etc and just the general talk it's always much better with guys. I mean we all have female friends.... But it's usually because they have a lot in common and are unattractive, or I wouldn't say no to some action with them, or I'm in a relationship, and when I'm in a relationship I don't go round to any girls house just to hang out. But given the chance between hanging around with guys or girls about 90% of the time I'd choose guys for hanging around, the other times for some female company or something, it's a bit different. Some guys say they have female friends without any of the above applying, like they consider them a male friend but I find that impossible since it defies nature. If you had a good looking friend who you found attractive and could talk to about anything and feel comfortable with and share a lot in common its just not possible to not have any feelings, as these are essentially what makes a good mate is it not.
mammax3 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 My ex used to tell me very often and very insistently that if any man wanted to be friends with a woman it's because they want to sleep with her. I can't say whether this is completely true since I now have a few good male friends ... don't think they want to sleep with me... About your musing of female friendships, I've always been more comfortable with women than men and have found they are quite different. I find female friendships to have a constant undercurrent of competitiveness - flirting with boys, clean houses, better marks, nicer hair, smarter/better behaved children etc etc. which can lead to some tension. With men, there's not as much insidious competitiveness, it seems more laid out or obvious - who can set up the tent the fastest, drink the most beer, eat more hot dogs etc etc. so it seems more fun.
lora22 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I can't say whether this is completely true since I now have a few good male friends ... don't think they want to sleep with me... Just wait! I'm not saying that men and woman shouldn't be "friends," just that they generally aren't real friends - you have to add the bunny ears. I just think that at least one person in the "friendship" (usually the guy) is attracted to/interested in the girl. Doesn't mean it will necessarily be acted upon. However, the fact that those feelings and/or attraction is there means (in my mind) that they will never be true friends.
mammax3 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Interesting lora. Maybe it's that initial attraction that causes their friendship in the first place? That underlying desire for each other (or him for her, her for him) is what drives the pair into being friends and it gets put on the backburner until the nod is given. Or, it begins as a meh, sure and then as they get together the deeper feelings start. I don't know how dreamergrl would indicate now is not a good time but later might be. Other than just staying friends (not intimacy suggested, or a offhand comment about the sabbatical) and then later ramping up the intimacy?
Stark Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 My ex used to tell me very often and very insistently that if any man wanted to be friends with a woman it's because they want to sleep with her. Pretty much true. It's why most guys are very wary of woman who have a lot of guy friends. Especially hard to get in a relationship with these girls. I can't say whether this is completely true since I now have a few good male friends ... don't think they want to sleep with me... Untrue, if you presented the option to all of the guys or some, I gaurantee if you've no BF and they've no gf either 100% will say yes. Every guy wants to sleep with the woman hes friends with. Wether he acts upon that impulse is different. But every guy does want to sleep with you. No guy is a friend with woman the way they are friends with guys.
lora22 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Interesting lora. Maybe it's that initial attraction that causes their friendship in the first place? That underlying desire for each other (or him for her, her for him) is what drives the pair into being friends and it gets put on the backburner until the nod is given. Or, it begins as a meh, sure and then as they get together the deeper feelings start. I don't know how dreamergrl would indicate now is not a good time but later might be. Other than just staying friends (not intimacy suggested, or a offhand comment about the sabbatical) and then later ramping up the intimacy? Honestly, seeing as I feel the way I do about this, I'm confident that just by being "friends" with the guy she's indicating that she doesn't want anything now, but might be open for something in the future.
cyril's fan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 You're meeting the wrong girls Maybe. OP, do you feel like you can't communicate with them because of certain reasons about them? My girl friends are those I can communicate and hang out with, not those who are frenemies or who intimidate me by being too aggressive.
motive2002 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 My ex girlfriend and my ex-best friend were "just friends". They are living together now. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190396/
Author dreamergrl Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Maybe. OP' date=' do you feel like you can't communicate with them because of certain reasons about them? My girl friends are those I can communicate and hang out with, not those who are frenemies or who intimidate me by being too aggressive.[/quote'] I really have no idea. Getting down to the nitty gritty... I was an only child, by my mom. My dad however has two step sisters and two other daughters... all which he gives the world too. I never fit in with them either. I was always the 'outcast' .. it was like that in school too. Since school I've made a few cool chick friends, but nothing so strong that we're still bestest buds. Sometimes I think it's because of certain female traits that maybe I'm just not jiving with. Other times maybe I don't open myself up enough. My shyness has been misunderstood in the past for snobby or stuck up. It took me a looong time to be relaxed around guys, and not feel so uptight. Maybe it's the same thing with chicks?
cyril's fan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I really have no idea. Getting down to the nitty gritty... I was an only child, by my mom. My dad however has two step sisters and two other daughters... all which he gives the world too. I never fit in with them either. I was always the 'outcast' .. it was like that in school too. Since school I've made a few cool chick friends, but nothing so strong that we're still bestest buds. Sometimes I think it's because of certain female traits that maybe I'm just not jiving with. Other times maybe I don't open myself up enough. My shyness has been misunderstood in the past for snobby or stuck up. It took me a looong time to be relaxed around guys, and not feel so uptight. Maybe it's the same thing with chicks? If you can learn to be relaxed with guys, you can learn to be relaxed with girls too. I don't like all girls that I meet. By now I know what kind of girl friends I like and who can be friends in the long term. So it's normal to not hit it off with every girl. You probably just need to find those that you can be friends with.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 If you can learn to be relaxed with guys, you can learn to be relaxed with girls too. I don't like all girls that I meet. By now I know what kind of girl friends I like and who can be friends in the long term. So it's normal to not hit it off with every girl. You probably just need to find those that you can be friends with. And how do I do that??
QuietOverAllHoops Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Assume he's in love with you. You both consider each other to be compatible and he knows you think that. You just want to be friends but not ever talk to him. Perhaps the most-cruel thing you could ever do to a nice guy is put him on the eternal-back-burner. Tell him you don't want to see him, but definitely talk to him and help him find Mrs. Right.
cyril's fan Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 And how do I do that?? You need to go out and socialize more with the girls and be friendly with them. Then you make down lists of who you like and who you don't and then ask yourself why you like them and why you don't. For those you like, you need to be more proactive by asking them to the movies or lunch. If they don't like you back, you move on to the next. I know girls can sometimes be more intimidating than guys but if you really want to make more girl friends, you have to start somewhere. If at the end of it you realize that you're better off with guy friends, so be it. At least you tried.
Island Girl Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Assume he's in love with you. You both consider each other to be compatible and he knows you think that. You just want to be friends but not ever talk to him. Perhaps the most-cruel thing you could ever do to a nice guy is put him on the eternal-back-burner. Tell him you don't want to see him, but definitely talk to him and help him find Mrs. Right. It's true that many male-female friendships are only that way because the GIRL doesn't see the guy as a potential anything except a friend. And it IS horrible for that guy that just hangs out pining away for the girl that talks to him about everything, enjoys the same interests (they go to the movies and out to eat, etc.), leans on him for emotional support, and then a guy she IS attracted to comes waltzing into the picture and he is either forced to see her with the other guy and hear ALL about it or she constantly pulls at him with "why aren't you talking to me anymore? Why can't we just be like we were before?" etc. (Can you tell I've had many of the same "friendships" along the way? But see, I always knew they liked me as more than a friend...oh wait. That is worse isn't it. )
carhill Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 And then there is the very minuscule percentage that can actually just be friends only with no other thoughts, motives, etc. at all like our member carhill. LOL, thanks. I feel quite minuscule Interesting dynamic. I can honestly say that I had an easier time of making and having platonic female friends back when I was a virgin. Since that ended relatively late, or 'abnormally late', as some LS'ers opine, I learned how to relate to women as people first and potential sexual partners second, skills which would help me in the future, and in fact today. IMO, I think it's how a man manages his feelings rather than whether he has them or not. I could say the same thing for women. One can acknowledge attraction, accept it and also accept, for whatever reason, nothing will result from that attraction, which in no way negates the value of the person or the dynamic. I could share something which exemplifies this, something which occurred last night, but with the specter of certain LS'ers picking apart my examples, I'm choosing to avoid sharing them for now while my divorce proceeds; I don't have the emotional strength right now. I will say it's a pretty cool thing when two people can acknowledge attraction, experience the feelings, and know that they can't (and won't) act on it to preserve exisiting relationships and a long friendship. And no, I'm not talking about the female friend I journal about. The person is far more important to me, to the extent that her husband asked me to be legally responsible for her should something happen to him. Trust and respect can and do trump attraction, if one wants them to. I find it to be an interesting test. I visualize that sexual energy being directed towards an appropriate partner and experience the rest of the beauty of friendship and love with the person in my presence. How often do guys really want just a regular friendship, like hanging out kinda thing. No sex, no kissy mushy stuff... just a friendship? And how do you keep things at a friendship level? Not as often now as in the past, but it is still a desire. For me, now, the critical factor is managing intimacy (emotional intimacy) as women tend to want to open up to me and, for me, emotional intimacy drives sexual attraction. So, with platonic friends, I remain more topical and focused on interests and hobbies and daily life. What if you don't want to date, but interested in the opposite sex to be friends with (you have a lot in common with them and such), how do you draw those boundaries, and what signs are there that would show they are getting interested? Boundaries are a moving target IMO, but, for me, I tend to keep things in public until I'm comfortable with and trusting of someone as a friend. I find it's easier to maintain appropriate behavior in public. As an example, in the story I alluded to above, I would never have been at that person's home under those circumstance without long experience and understanding of exactly where the boundaries are between us. All contact would have been in public and in front of her husband. For me, the easiest way to tell about a woman's 'interest' is how she touches me, looks in my eyes and kisses me. Women with pure platonic interest express it lovingly, but not sexually. I sense it. Ironically, being approachable and 'connecting' without sex on the table garners me far more genuine affection from women than I would have otherwise, and I value it immensely. If they become interested, can you keep things at a platonic level, or is it better to back away? I can, but I've had a lifetime of practice. I would think most men (and women) would not wish to proceed in that way with someone who was otherwise available for a relationship. My advice here on LS has nearly always been to move on, or, as you say, 'back away'. If one can't feel healthy about the dynamic, well, it's not healthy for them. MC (the cognitive therapy part) helped me with specific visualization and cognitive tools to process my feelings in a healthier way. I learned that fighting my natural tendancies (to connect with women) was unhealthy and I merely needed methods to embrace that part of my personality without sacrificing my intrinsic male sexual drive. Acceptance I specifically addressed male/female friendships where there is some attraction because other members already noted, if no parties are attracted, nothing romantic will happen anyway. I've had those friendships, past and present, and it's no different than relating to a sister or daughter. In fact, I see a lot of younger ladies like a daughter, regardless of their objective attractiveness. They just don't garner sexual interest from me. With that 'first impression', it essentially shuts down my sexual desire for them. Then, as long as interaction remains topical rather than intimate, and that's not difficult in most cases, they're safe from my 'minuscule-ality'
39388 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 LOL, thanks. I feel quite minuscule Interesting dynamic. I can honestly say that I had an easier time of making and having platonic female friends back when I was a virgin. Since that ended relatively late, or 'abnormally late', as some LS'ers opine, I learned how to relate to women as people first and potential sexual partners second, skills which would help me in the future, and in fact today. IMO, I think it's how a man manages his feelings rather than whether he has them or not. I could say the same thing for women. One can acknowledge attraction, accept it and also accept, for whatever reason, nothing will result from that attraction, which in no way negates the value of the person or the dynamic. Well said, carhill. I agree with everything you say. Some of my female friends are very physically attractive. However, I know we don't have enough in common or too many of our beliefs are different to have a relationship. It would be silly to wish for something I can't have. I'm not sure how much my opinion matters to many here, being a virgin at 35. That abnormally late thing.
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