lotsoflovexox Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 So I'm feeling a little emotionally confused and thought I would give this site a try in hopes of some helpful insight from others. I'm in my 20's so its not like im talking about 14 year old problems here...Heres the story...sorry if its a lengthy one: So my boyfriend and I met through mutual friends. I was 400kms away going to university and we hit it off and starting hanging out every weekend for a month...I would drive all the way home just to hang out with him and get to know him better. I enjoyed the attention from him and the fact that someone seemed to like me and showed interest in me. I was attracted to the fact that he was sweet and seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, plus he wasn't the type of guy that tries to be physical right away. So we dated for a year and we became very close, he became very comfortable with my family and treated my father as his own (his father is not in his life). The long distance thing was very hard on me and but did not seem to affect him quite as much. We saw eachother on as many weekends as we could and on school breaks. Overall things were great...until he dumped me over an instant message conversation. He said he needed time to think about things and ended it. 3 months later we met up for coffee where he appologized for how he treated me and he realized that i was the one he wanted to be with, that he made a mistake and would do anything to fix it. So round 2 began and we became very serious. We were starting to save for a house and constantly talked about how we wanted to get married and have kids in a few years. When I came home from school a few months ago he was basically at my house 4 days a week and made himself at home. Our physical relationship has always been a problem. Just as a side note, he had been with 20 something people and he was my first, and first real relationship. Our first time being physical was a month after we started dating the first time but I found this to be a problem area in our relationship as he quickly no longer wanted to be physical with me. He knew I wanted it all the time...I loved him and wanted to be intimate with him, but he very very rarely wanted to. We often fought about the frequency and quality of our "physical relationship" and he recently revealed to me that sex to him was an in and out thing, foreplay is not important, and he doesnt have the urge anymore...oh and that he has never had this problem with any of his other girlfriends, I can even ask them (nice). So needless to say my self esteem took a dive (I had recently lost 30lbs and was in good shape and started to feel better about myself, but this problem with the person I loved not wanting to be physical with me hurt beyond anything). I would cry myself to sleep some nights when he would sleep next to me. So we had been dating for almost 2 years until a few days ago I couldn't take it anymore. I realized that I felt ugly, very grumpy, and somewhat depressed with my life. He never complimented me or even said I looked pretty in the 2 years we dated, yet many others tell me I'm beautiful all the time. I love being around friends and being spontaneous and just having fun...yet he seemed so anti social and lacking personality, making me feel guilty when I wanted to hang out with friends, even though my friends had become his friends and he did enjoy spending time with them. I didnt want to share the rest of my life with someone who has the personality of a tree and makes me feel bad about myself and refuses to be intimate with me. I had enough the other day and decided I needed to stand up for myself for once and end it. It was painful as I thought I was going to marry him, I loved him, and I felt safe with him. He has many good qualities and is really a great person, yet I took a back seat to his computer game playing and said I was so impossible to please. When I ended things he said he had given all he could give. I asked him why he had no problem saying other girls that they were pretty or sexy, yet never said it to me...he said i shouldnt need to hear it from him, he wouldnt be with someone who wasnt pretty. After I broke up with him I found messages on his facebook (which yes, it is wrong to hack someones account and I feel bad about it, but I suspected something). 6 hours before I broke up with him he had messaged 7 girls, some of which were past sexual partners, calling them "my sexy little thing", "my little vixen" and complimenting them on how beautiful they are. I am taking things day by day and keep trying to convince myself I did the right thing, for myself. I loved him so much and we had everything all planned and wanted to share a life together. Tonight I sit here wondering if I made a mistake. I love him, love who he is, and love the idea of being with him for the rest of my life, but I need to be treated as I deserve. I am beginning to wonder if he could have changed, although after arguments he would always put me down saying I was overreacting at things. I have never loved someone like this before, so this is uncharted territory. Do having thoughts of "what if" or "should I have done that" make what I did wrong, or is it natural to wonder. I mean my biggest concern is what if he was the "one" like I had thought he was and I was overreacting to a few things that bothered me about him?? Please help, much appreciated. How many people can we think are the "one"
wow123 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 You should be with someone who makes you feel special. Someone who compliments you, wants to be intimate with you, puts you on a pedestal. I think you did the right thing. The messages he sent to these other girls is the nail in the coffin. I'm sorry you are going through this. We are all here to support you:-(
Beeotch Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 You DEFINITELY did the right thing.... Do not look back. It is natural to wonder if you made a mistake and to feel bad and to even consider taking him back to correct the hurt....but you didn't deserve that and these feelings will pass with time and in time you will be sure you did the right thing. A relationship is not supposed to make you feel grumpy, depressed and inadequate and you shouldn't cry yourself to sleep at night. He was insensitive and I suspect lying to you, trying to pass off bullsh*t as truth. He broke your heart once and on his second chance he didn't seem to care... Life is too short to spend with someone who doesn't satisfy you and seems to want to do nothing to improve. He is not the best or only man there is and if you keep your standards you WILL find that person who gives you what you need and want.
asuman Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Yes, you did the right thing, and you yourself have listed all the very good reasons for breaking up with him. You're questioning whether it was the right thing to do, because that's normal. Any time you end a relationship, even a very bad one, it is still the *end* of something you were attached to. Therefore you might grieve and mourn it for a while, as odd as that sounds. It's normal. Don't let it faze you. You may feel some guilt and sadness, but that will soon be overcome by your feelings of liberation and happiness once you realize that the negativity he brought to your life (which is a lot; just read your own post) is gone.
boogieboy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 You did the right thing. Youre in your early 20's, and this was your first love, you'll have plenty more. You will realize how bad for you he was when you start dating again, dont worry about it. I wonder what the problem was sexually, if it was you or him, but other than that he lost interest in you long before you were ready to call it quits. Youre better off on your own.
Recommended Posts