blue7 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 4 months ago my wife asked for a separation, with the intent to divorce. For the first few weeks or so I tried my best to "win" her back. Afterwards, I felt I was pressuring her too much and she was hell-bent on not being with me, so i did my best to manage alone. Some basic background can be found in other post, but general details (as to reduce the amount of reading) married 13 yrs (together 18) 3 children under 10 yrs old. Both professional, been a lot of stress in my career, & financial decisions. Our life has been somewhat typical. I am so grateful for the input I got/get from this forum. It is especially a great place to vent, get unbiased opinions, and speak truthfully with anonymity. Additionally, I see a very good counselor, have good siblings, and 3-4 close friends to talk to. My situation was the typical WAW syndrome that you find here day after day...I mean I was completely blindsided...felt horrible, terrible, so sad, & so confused. All the WAW stuff you read here...well that was pretty much me!! I took the advice of working on myself. Exercising, eating right, meeting people...getting out there as much as I could. I lost weight..about 15 lbs, started planning my life as a single dad. Again, very typical. My stbxw and I developed a horrible way of communicating...basically it was all sarcasm or we'd just fight. I found her to be hateful, too matter of fact, extremely cold. Some conversation were civil, we were on a rollercoaster.... with huge peaks & valley's-mostly valley's.... it got so bad that we made a huge scene in front of the kids...and we both regret it...painfully regret it! So in getting my self in order and realizing that she & I were "no longer"...I had to face life's challenges.... (And in the short 4-month's the challenges were plenty...and horrible, really horrible) Somewhere in that last 2 weeks we talked on the phone...longer & longer each time. Jump ahead, a week or so...we have discussed the idea of reconciliation. She has even agreed to go to MC..which she did not want to do previously? I am so confused and so messed up right now. There are so many big issues, with a huge pile of small issues...all just to overwhelming to me. We have somewhat agreed not to tell to many people that we are attempting to reconcile. In case it doesn’t work out...less stress on our family and close caring friends....and the last thing we Both want is to confuse the child any more. So I have a lot of questions, here are a couple I'd love your input, and could really use the help..... * I hate that the activity of the last 4 months may become obstacles, over the bigger issues, which caused us to separate to begin with...for example dating & new friends... I did the typical things a newly separated person would do, exercise, eat right, take care of myself, dress better.."get it together" in doing so I put myself out there and met new people..most new people were women...I flirted heavily with 2 or 3, I went on one semi date...which led to nothing but more flirting... there was no sex of any kind, not even a kiss or holding hands with anyone...actually I haven't had sex with anyone other then my wife in all these years. Sex was not my intention, hell after 15+ years with the same women (as much as guys would say go for it) I can't say that I was or am ready for that...don't get me wrong, if these women were more aggressive or if I made myself a little more available...who knows. But frankly I've been lonely, and the female attention does nothing more then feed what’s left of my ego. (Or low self-esteem) Now that I am talking to my wife, I don't want to be a jerk and ignore these women...one has proved to be a really good good friend -and nothing more-no flirting w/her. None of them hold a candle to my wife and the feelings I have for her...I love her so deeply. But I need to continue to be myself. My wife saw the little bit of change in me..she saw me getting myself together, and that got her attention.... enough to try & reconcile. What do I do about the other girls that are interested in me? They are nice but nothing compared to my wife. I don't want to rush and cut off communication and have my wife think I am moving to fast either....let me be clear, I am not asking for my cake & eating it to...my wife is all that to me... ...any thoughts? Ideas? * another issue-(try to keep it short) for the sake of anonymity, let's just say my career puts me in a position where a lot of women would be eager to be around me ..I make them feel good about themselves. For example say I am a lead singer in a rock band, (some) women are attracted to that -they get onstage, they flirt, they do there best to "hook-up", it's all part of the game. I can play that part, but to me it is just that, A Game. I'd much rather look out on the dance floor and make eyes at my wife...or go home to her afterwards with the kids tucked in bed...to me that's hot! She has difficulty with that.... so do i continue to sing the rock music I love, or do I sing a more conservative song in a more conservative environment?
tojaz Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 For dealing with the other women, I would say that honesty is the best policy. "I'm sorry but my wife is still in the picture, and we are going to try and make it work. I have enjoyed your company and wish to be friends, but for now I need to concentrate on my wife." Since it dosen't sound like these relationships have gone to far, they should respect that without burning any bridges. As for your job, (your a stripper aren't you , just kidding) If you love what you do, keep doing it. Just do what it takes to reassure your wife that she's the only one allowed to throw her keys on the stage. TOJAZ
OP3Crimsin Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Hard to say man. Are there any more details as to why she left? You mentioned making changes in yourself. Was she unhappy with the current you? As far as the rock band appeal. I too am in a rock band, sort of. Unless you found yourself a swinger of a wife then you do the dance. The dance may entail a double life that you may be faithful in or you may just jump off the deep end and indulge yourself in everything the rock world has to offer. If you play the conservative role then do you think you don't accurately represent a rock star? Keep posting.
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