Andy500 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating now for six months. He's had intermittent contact with his ex over the months and we've had our little arguments about it. He's explained to me that he still values the friendship he has with her, which is fine with me. But I never see any texts, I never hear anything when they talk on the phone, and he's always secretive about it. To his credit, he reasonably explained this when I confronted him by saying that he knew it would upset me and he wanted to avoid it. Thing is, he talks to her for long periods of time at random and when they do text its back and forth over the course of a day. I live with him, so it's not like I expect that kind of calling and texting coming my way. But it still gets under my skin. I know for a fact she isn't over him. He's told me time and again how happy he is with me and how he loves me and is looking forward to our future together. So my question is, am I wrong? I know they're friends, but where is the line? What should I be thinking/doing about this? I'm afraid the longer they're "friends" and talking all the time the more he'll end up missing their relationship, even though I believe he is 100% happy with ours. Help!
lora22 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating now for six months. He's had intermittent contact with his ex over the months and we've had our little arguments about it. He's explained to me that he still values the friendship he has with her, which is fine with me. But I never see any texts, I never hear anything when they talk on the phone, and he's always secretive about it. To his credit, he reasonably explained this when I confronted him by saying that he knew it would upset me and he wanted to avoid it. Thing is, he talks to her for long periods of time at random and when they do text its back and forth over the course of a day. I live with him, so it's not like I expect that kind of calling and texting coming my way. But it still gets under my skin. I know for a fact she isn't over him. He's told me time and again how happy he is with me and how he loves me and is looking forward to our future together. So my question is, am I wrong? I know they're friends, but where is the line? What should I be thinking/doing about this? I'm afraid the longer they're "friends" and talking all the time the more he'll end up missing their relationship, even though I believe he is 100% happy with ours. Help! That is no to his credit and it is not reasonable. I hate that kind of attitude. Obviously just the fact that he's talking to her upset you, AND the fact that it's secretive upsets you. So if he just was honest you'd be less upset, right? He knows he's doing something that upsets you, so instead of acting like your partner, he's being secretive in order to make HIS life easier. I'm not saying he can't be friends with his ex or that anything shady is going on, but honestly I see this right here as more of an issue. He should be trying to communicate with you, not hide things from you because he doesn't feel like dealing with you. He wasn't keeping it from you for YOUR benefit, but for his. Second, if she's not over him, I don't think he should be talking to her so much and that you're perfectly reasonable in not liking this situation, regardless of how "happy" he is with you and your relationship. Since you both know she's trying to get him back, he's being disrespectful to you by talking to her. You're not the one being insecure; your bf is. If he had been dumped, not her, I bet you she wouldn't be calling him and wanting to be friends. He enjoys having this girl he dumped still into him. You, on the other hand, just want him to respect you and to feel cherished by him, right? You want to be able to trust him. He's making that hard for you. You two should have a conversation about this, I think, and one thing he needs to consider (and maybe explain to you) is why he wants to be friends with her. Have you ever met this girl? But since he's your bf, you need to come first, not this other girl.
stace79 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 You are definitely NOT wrong. I had the exact same situation with my now-fiance. He insisted that he was not going to allow anyone tell him who he could/could not be friends with, and he valued her friendship, and why did it matter if he wanted to be with me, which he said he did. I finally decided I would never be okay with that set up and I broke up with him. I truly meant for our relationship to be over, and had no intentions of ever getting back with him. Well he immediately e-mailed his ex and told her he didn't want to be her friend anymore b/c it was costing him his relationship with me. It's now been about two months and he doesn't contact her anymore at all. Further, she has texted him twice and he promptly told me and showed me what she wrote, and according to my desire, he has ignored her. If you are the one he loves and envisions a future with, then he should be willing to stop talking to her. If you are not happy about it, you are not ever GOING to be happy about it. You have to draw a line. Do you want to spend the rest of your life worried about his relationship with her?
Author Andy500 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 I have had that discussion with him actually. And I do recognize the fact that he's taking care of himself by covering up. We've had many discussions, especially lately. And during the most recent one, a few nights ago, I told him that I wouldn't mind the friendship if it were all out in the open. If he texts her or receives texts, I told him I'd appreciate knowing that they had talked. Same with calls. So far (it's only been a couple of days) he has been completely straight with me. I'm not the type to demand details, except when I feel that there is something that does concern me, like if he had discussed something pertaining to us or whatnot. I don't want to tell him to cut her out of his life completely, because truthfully she isn't the issue so much as the secrecy was/is. Plus I would very much resent being told to write someone off like that if the situation were reversed and an ex and I were truly just friends. This girl is younger than both of us and I believe her immaturity has a lot to do with her neediness towards him. I just don't want to be completely naive here. I'm not blind to the fact that he enjoys the added attention she brings by not being over him. I confess that I had written that off as "a guy thing" because almost all of my girlfriends have dealt with that at some point with their boyfriends. But my main concern is not being "that girl" - the one who is oblivious to the obvious. Right now I don't feel extremely concerned, I'm just hoping someone out there has been through this and can point out true warning signs.
stace79 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Right now I don't feel extremely concerned, I'm just hoping someone out there has been through this and can point out true warning signs. My fiance admitted, after I'd broken up with him and also after he cut off the friendship with his ex, that he was holding on to the past and he still had interest in her. Guys do not stay friends with exes unless they want something from them. A call once every few months to see what they are up to? Sure. A text or e-mail card to say happy birthday? Sure. But talking for hours or texting over the whole day is a red flag. Regardless, if you are not happy about it, you should be more important.
boogieboy Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 This girl is younger than both of us and I believe her immaturity has a lot to do with her neediness towards him. I just don't want to be completely naive here. I'm not blind to the fact that he enjoys the added attention she brings by not being over him. I confess that I had written that off as "a guy thing" because almost all of my girlfriends have dealt with that at some point with their boyfriends. This isnt just a guy thing, women do it too. Its not healthy for him to get off on her still pining for him. That is a self esteem issue. Its not that shes immature, hes leading her on by continuing to contact her. She doesnt know that she needs to stop letting him talk to her for her to get over him. Many people didnt learn that until they came here. (me included) I dont think he would ever have a relationship with her again, but hes a guy, so booty calls arent out of the question. Just make sure he can look you in the eye and tell you hes in love with you. If he cant do that...........
lora22 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I know they're friends, but where is the line? What should I be thinking/doing about this? I'm afraid the longer they're "friends" and talking all the time the more he'll end up missing their relationship, even though I believe he is 100% happy with ours. Help! But my main concern is not being "that girl" - the one who is oblivious to the obvious. Right now I don't feel extremely concerned, I'm just hoping someone out there has been through this and can point out true warning signs. Sorry, I'm not buying that your big concern here is the secrecy. Sounds like you just straight up have a problem with their relationship, and it's compounded by the secrecy. I don't know you or your bf, but I can't imagine this ending well (and yes, I have been there, most people have been). He's not going to like reporting to you all the time about this; eventually it's going to get old and he's going to think "Oh, it's not that big of a deal anymore, we're just friends, I don't need to mention that I talked to/hung out with/whatever my "friend" THIS time." And he won't, and you'll find out and fight about it. Or maybe he gets pissed because he tells you something and you grill him about it, and then that causes a problem. There could be a dozen scenarios, but honestly I think this is an issue for you, it's caused arguments, and eventually he's going to get sick of your insecurity with it, get sick of arguing about it, whatever. He's already demonstrated that he'd rather keep secrets from you than deal with your emotions and to avoid a conflict, there's a red flag for you.
butcher's hook Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Nope you are not wrong. He needs to knock it off or just bring it out in the open. It's ridiculous that living under the same roof with your boyfriend he feels the need to sneak around to talk to his ex because he "values the friendship" Bullshet! He should value your relationship more and realize that what he is doing is out of line. If they are true friends he should have no problem talking to her in front of you. Do you sneak around to speak to your girlfriends or family members when he is in the room? Doubt it.
MissViolet Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 But unfortunately, some men (and women) are able to look you in the eye and tell you they love you....when all it is is a lie. I've known friends who were in your position and 4/5 times it turned out that the guy/girl wasn't over his/her ex. When it happened to a girlfriend of mine, her bf was contacting his ex on the side, claiming that she was the one contacting him blah blah...long story short, he wanted a booty call on the side, her attention, etc. And from personal experience, it's not a good sign that your SO is keeping close with his ex. They broke up for a reason, and I can't fathom why they would want to keep in contact, except to hold onto hope for a second chance, or booty call, or fall-back option in case you two don't work out.
butcher's hook Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I've known friends who were in your position and 4/5 times it turned out that the guy/girl wasn't over his/her ex. Truer words have not been spoken!
WineCountry Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating now for six months. He's had intermittent contact with his ex over the months and we've had our little arguments about it. He's explained to me that he still values the friendship he has with her, which is fine with me. But I never see any texts, I never hear anything when they talk on the phone, and he's always secretive about it. To his credit, he reasonably explained this when I confronted him by saying that he knew it would upset me and he wanted to avoid it. Thing is, he talks to her for long periods of time at random and when they do text its back and forth over the course of a day. I live with him, so it's not like I expect that kind of calling and texting coming my way. But it still gets under my skin. I know for a fact she isn't over him. He's told me time and again how happy he is with me and how he loves me and is looking forward to our future together. So my question is, am I wrong? I know they're friends, but where is the line? What should I be thinking/doing about this? I'm afraid the longer they're "friends" and talking all the time the more he'll end up missing their relationship, even though I believe he is 100% happy with ours. Help! You have every right to be pissed. I had this happen with an ex boyfriend years ago. And I told him straight up I did not like that. He stopped. It's not about them being cordial to each other..that's fine. but texing half the day, long phone calls...I mean come on!! That does not smell right. And ESPESCIALLY if she still likes him. I see problems coming.
Nemoralis Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Maybe I'm in the minority here but I don't get this. My ex and I dated for 2 years and lived together. When we broke up we stayed great friends. 6 months later and I am dating someone else now but my ex still calls at least once every other week and we talk for several hours at a time. We'll text at least every few days. My new guy never appears to have a problem with this and if he did, I'd be concerned. I'm not overly secretive about talking to my ex but I do wait until my guy is not around to talk to him on the phone (simply because I don't like having involved phone convos with other people around). I also would not give two ****s if he were talking to his ex frequently. I don't see the big deal, as long as you are confident in your relationship. At one time, our exes were very important people in our lives. To give up on those people just because we are seeing someone new seems silly. :/
hoping2heal Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating now for six months. He's had intermittent contact with his ex over the months and we've had our little arguments about it. He's explained to me that he still values the friendship he has with her, which is fine with me. But I never see any texts, I never hear anything when they talk on the phone, and he's always secretive about it. To his credit, he reasonably explained this when I confronted him by saying that he knew it would upset me and he wanted to avoid it. Thing is, he talks to her for long periods of time at random and when they do text its back and forth over the course of a day. I live with him, so it's not like I expect that kind of calling and texting coming my way. But it still gets under my skin. I know for a fact she isn't over him. He's told me time and again how happy he is with me and how he loves me and is looking forward to our future together. So my question is, am I wrong? I know they're friends, but where is the line? What should I be thinking/doing about this? I'm afraid the longer they're "friends" and talking all the time the more he'll end up missing their relationship, even though I believe he is 100% happy with ours. Help! It would get under my skin. A person is an ex, not a friend. They are a past part of your life, if you have some kind of civil relationship with them, it isn't the end of the world, but if it makes your current partner concerned or upset, I don't see the point in keeping that person around. Afterall, they are an ex; the time for that opportunity has come and gone now, and it shouldn't take presidence over a new partner. If it's bothersome to you, he should be cutting her out of his life. Any excuse he uses for not doing it, is just a load of crap, imho.
hoping2heal Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 My partner wasn't comfortable with a friend I had in my life at the begining of our relationship. He had valid reasons for not being comfortable with it, I made him aware the time he had wanted to call and talk with me, up front. I made the decision to cease contact with him out of respect for my partner, inevitably I said goodbye to him for good. My partner and my relationship with him is way more important to me than the other guy, so it doesn't bother me to cut my ties with him. My partner felt uncomfortable because I had been intimate in many ways with this person for a long time, I can understand his feelings about it, and he was right. It's never bothered me that I cut the other guy out, not one day because I'm done with that. It's the past. I didn't cut him out of my life "officially" when I first realised my partner was bothered, but I never contacted him, and I'm not sure why your bf is contacting a girl when he knows it hurts you.
lora22 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'm not sure why your bf is contacting a girl when he knows it hurts you. Seriously, is he out of buddies or something?
dreamergrl Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I dated a guy for almost a year, who was still friends with maybe like 6 girls he'd dated or slept with. It drove me nuts. There were a few that I was comfortable with, because they became friendly with me, one or two had boyfriends.. But some, it just ate away at me. If she is not over him, he should not be talking to her. If it's making you uncomfortable, he should not be carrying on this way. You said you've been together 6 months, how long since you moved in with him? I never would have moved in with him should this had been carrying in prior.
stace79 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Maybe I'm in the minority here but I don't get this. My ex and I dated for 2 years and lived together. When we broke up we stayed great friends. 6 months later and I am dating someone else now but my ex still calls at least once every other week and we talk for several hours at a time. We'll text at least every few days. My new guy never appears to have a problem with this and if he did, I'd be concerned. I'm not overly secretive about talking to my ex but I do wait until my guy is not around to talk to him on the phone (simply because I don't like having involved phone convos with other people around). I also would not give two ****s if he were talking to his ex frequently. I don't see the big deal, as long as you are confident in your relationship. At one time, our exes were very important people in our lives. To give up on those people just because we are seeing someone new seems silly. :/ It depends on the situation. Some people can be okay with a SO talking to an ex frequently; most people are not okay with it. And if you truly respect and value your current SO, you would respect his/her wishes, and if you couldn't, you would break off the relationship. Also I find something significantly odd about people whose exes are still so majorly involved in their lives. I am still "friendly" with a few exes, but I speak to them maybe every few months on the phone for never more than an hour, or we catch up via facebook or text messages. I didn't date people to make new friends -- that's messy. I have enough friends, and I break up with people for a reason. Usually the same reasons I'd break up with someone are also the same reasons I would end a friendship.
lora22 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 It depends on the situation. Some people can be okay with a SO talking to an ex frequently; most people are not okay with it. And if you truly respect and value your current SO, you would respect his/her wishes, and if you couldn't, you would break off the relationship. Also I find something significantly odd about people whose exes are still so majorly involved in their lives. I am still "friendly" with a few exes, but I speak to them maybe every few months on the phone for never more than an hour, or we catch up via facebook or text messages. I didn't date people to make new friends -- that's messy. I have enough friends, and I break up with people for a reason. Usually the same reasons I'd break up with someone are also the same reasons I would end a friendship. Nicely said
Seer Watch My Ass Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 He sounds very inconsiderate. This is his exgirfriend who still like him. She not the anarchist librarian who likes Noam Chomsky. I'd drop him for a long time and see if they get back together.
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