Someone quick, TELL A JOKE, anything that that makes you smile

[Thaddeus]

A woman holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver says, "Migawd, woman, that's the UGLIEST baby I have ever seen!"

 

The woman, seething, goes to the back of the bus and sits down. She says to the man sitting next to her, "That bus driver just insulted me!"

 

The man says, "That's terrible. You should go right up to him and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[donnamaybe]

The redhead says to the blonde, "I've had sex with a Brazilian man," to which the blonde retorts, "Oh, my gawd, you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian?!"

[quankanne]

:lmao::lmao: nice!

 

DONNA!!! :lmao:

 

folks, I think we're on a roll today ...

[Lizzie60]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

 

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced Tea?"

 

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

 

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

 

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

 

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

 

"Really?" Fred replied; eyebrows rising.

 

"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

 

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

 

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

 

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a poodle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

 

"Have fun, kids!" her mother called as they left.

 

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

 

"It's 'The Twist', Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

 

"The freakin' dance is called the Twist!"

[GorillaTheater]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

 

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

 

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

 

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

 

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

 

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

 

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

 

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

 

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

 

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

 

'She just died and left me everything.'

[Thaddeus]

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips.

 

After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. “I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says. “Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”

 

The new priest tries this. “Very good,” says his senior. “Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'”

 

The younger priest practises these sayings, too.

 

“Well done,” says the older priest. “Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: “No sh*t! What happened next?”

[Lizzie60]

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

 

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

 

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

[donnamaybe]

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottsman?

 

Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you. Get offa my cloud."

 

The Scottsman says, "Hey, McCloud. Get offa my ewe."

[GorillaTheater]

This one's for SB and my lawyer friends:

 

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing...

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it..'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

.

.

.

.

.

 

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

[joseffrost]

[FONT=arial, helvetica, verdana, sans-serif][sIZE=2]A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.

 

They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.

 

"Would ye look at that, Seamus!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

 

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Seamus?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

 

Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Seamus, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...." [/sIZE][/FONT]