Someone quick, TELL A JOKE, anything that that makes you smile

[username8]

Someone please share a joke or anything (like a pic or story) that makes you chuckle, smile, or smirk.... anything. Dont want to talk about my probs.. just want to smile for a second.

 

Just trying to smile and take my mind off things.... :/

[skreen23]

Whats the difference between an egg and a wank?

 

You can't beat a wank.

 

Usually you say woman instead of an egg but thats no very pc is it?

[username8]

Whats the difference between an egg and a wank?

 

You can't beat a wank.

 

Usually you say woman instead of an egg but thats no very pc is it?

 

tehee.. definately made me smirk. The joke works both ways..

im not that serious of a person to be offended.. lol

 

[Thomas X Forever]

I once asked someone to tell me a funny joke.

 

He replied "Womens rights"

[username8]

I once asked someone to tell me a funny joke.

 

He replied "Womens rights"

 

i almost feel bad for laughing at that one, but i did. lol (i really laughed out loud. I know people write lol ...when they didnt really lol )

[Island Girl]

Real classified ad that ran in a Seattle newspaper:

 

For sale Set of Encyclopedias.

56 volumes new condition.

No longer need.

Got married.

Wife knows everything.

[username8]

Real classified ad that ran in a Seattle newspaper:

 

For sale Set of Encyclopedias.

56 volumes new condition.

No longer need.

Got married.

Wife knows everything.

 

 

HAHA.. I can't believe that was a real ad! Priceless.

 

now im smiling you all rock!

[Island Girl]

I hope there's more out there!!

[skreen23]

Man walks into a bar with a huge ****e in his hand and goes "Look what i almost stood in."

[username8]

me too! can't wait to hear more

[skreen23]

ooh they censor ****e how about excrement, or poo, or crap.

[Island Girl]

A blond is walking along the shore of a huge river and she spots another blond on the other side.

 

"Hey", she says, "How do you get to the other side of this river?".

 

And the other blond says, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

[skreen23]

What does hitler do first thing in the morning?

 

Kick the Dew off the grass.

 

Get it, dew? Sounds like jew.

[quankanne]

husband and I were enjoying an "intimate" moment recently, and when we were through, I yelled "QUACK!" really really loud ... he's always joking about making duck butter, so I thought I'd stick with the theme.

 

he fell out of me, laughing so hard

[username8]

husband and I were enjoying an "intimate" moment recently, and when we were through, I yelled "QUACK!" really really loud ... he's always joking about making duck butter, so I thought I'd stick with the theme.

 

he fell out of me, laughing so hard

 

hahahahaaaa.. now that's funny! I love real life stories.. good one!

[Trialbyfire]

Wife: Guess what I bought my mother for her birthday? An electric broom!

Husband: Why? So she can get here faster?

[quankanne]

he can drive me nuts sometimes, but he's got a quirky sense of humor that just can't be beat.

 

one of the things he does that makes me pee my pants is to make "piggy faces" at me, all the while oinking. Now, our niece has two little ones, who are 8&9. A few years ago, we were in OK for a family funeral, and she had the kids with her. My aunt and I were playing with them inside, but you could tell the little boy (the younger one) wanted to go outside, so I told him, "Why don't you go ask your Uncle R to make piggy faces for you?"

 

nephew turns around, all excited, tells my aunt (his great-great-aunt), "You want to see Uncle R make piggy faces?" The look on his face was priceless, because he'd finally found a grown-up boy who liked to be silly, too!

[LAZORSareeverywhere]

This poem always provides me with a little bit of comfort

 

There comes a time between life and death

Where all men stop to catch their breath

We ask the stars "why?" we question our lot

The heavens open wide and reply "why not?"

[Art_Critic]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing worn out flip-flops exposing her cracked heels and filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

 

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there.

Are they twins?"

 

The woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't!

The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.

 

Why the Hell would you think they're twins?

Do you really think they look alike?"

 

"No," replies the greeter, "But I just find it hard to believe that someone had sex with you twice."

[patcha]

OMG! Zinger!

[quankanne]

finally saw the willy wonka remake this past weekend at a friend's place, and Johnny Depp was priceless. Esp. dealing with the obnoxious little boy who kept making smart-aleck comments: "I can't understand you when you mumble ... you're mumbling ... MUMBLER!"

 

:lmao:

[username8]

I like to come to this thread.

All the other threads seem so depressing. Can there be that many people hurt by relationships? Why do we bother? Is there really ever a happily ever after?.... Are we kidding ourselves?

I mean, I look at ever relationship of people I know and analyze them. I can't say I see a single happy one that has lasted over 10 years. Even the ones that last, they dont seem to be truly in love anymore. They just seem to have gotten complacent with life and learned how to live together. I saw an old couple once in stop and shop. They both had to be in their 70's or 80's. They were so cute, holding hands. It made me smile, maybe they are that couple still in love after all these years. The my pessimistic side kicked in and my mind created a plethora of situations that could account for this phenomenon.

 

Talk about depressing.. lol. i just read my own post.. Oh well. Atleast I can look back and laugh at my dumb@**.. teeeheee

[Thaddeus]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

 

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

 

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

 

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

 

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

[donnamaybe]

When you're having a bad day, remember:

 

You could be a conjoined twin stuck to a gay brother who has a date tonight, and you only have one butt.

[username8]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

 

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

 

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

 

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

 

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

 

haha.. I never heard that one before. I didnt see the ending coming! good one!