Battlewax Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I'm a graphic designer, mainly digital artworks and such. When I'm doing it for other people it's not a big deal. I haven't been feeling very creative latley but I've sucked it up and done the work I've been commissioned. I finally started on a newest piece just yesterday. I had to walk away from it. I haven't dealt with that kind of onslaught of emotion for a while now. hope, love, despair, anger, anticipation, happiness, sadness but the one that was constant was pain. An overbearing pain that hurt worse than when my girlfriend dumped me. I'm wondering if I've just kidded myself this entire time and that's what it took for my emotions to really bubble to the surface. I'm not sure where to go from here. The one thing I truly love to do more than anything is the one thing that's bringing me the most pain and reminding me of things I'm trying to get over.
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I know where you're coming from and want to hear a cliche? It'll get better over time. When I was with my girlfriend and things were horrible (her lying, sneaking around, etc. and all I did was sit and witness it all [pushover, I know]) the only thing I would look forward to in the day was sleeping. I know it sounds stupid, but this truly made me love sleeping. It was the only time I could be in complete peace. Without thoughts racing, or the image of her lying. I loved it so much. Laying down after a long physically and mentally exhausting day was the most calming thing in my life. Knowing I would fall asleep and fall into 'nothing'. It felt great. Until I started to have nightmares about the things she did. Do you have any idea how upset and pissed I was at the same time?! It was horrible. I felt like jumping off a bridge right there and then. My only escape had just been taken away from me. After that I just fell into an even deeper depression. Now everything she did was haunting me literally 24/7. During the day I had the thoughts, the worries, and all that following me EVERYWHERE I went. ALWAYS worrying. My God, it was horrible. And now during my sleep, I would be haunted by these horribly vivid dreams where I would witness all she did with my own eyes. Something that never happened in real life... thank God. But we broke up and with time it all slowly started fading. Recently the dreams have been coming back but during the day I don't worry. There's nothing to worry about. I'm only grieving. I feel sad sometimes, lonely, scared, loss. All that good stuff. But they come and go and with time they've only become more and more faint. And after the dreams, I hurt and sometimes I even wake up with a headache. But an hour or two later it's already almost completely out of my mind. When before, my dreams would bother me for days if not weeks. It'll ease with time, I promise.
sedgwick Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 So what you're saying is that a project provoked these feelings in you, and that even though your work is "no big deal," you love it more than your ex? Confused. And iBelieve In Symmetry (did I get the punctuation right on that?), how long did it take before your nightmares started to go away? I'm at two years post-breakup and I still have them pretty much every night.
Ronni_W Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I'm not sure where to go from here. Hugs, Battlewax. I've recently came across material that suggests that we do this, with our deep feelings of grief, sadness, fear, despair, etc.: "Focus inside your body, attending to the physical sensations. Breathe into any painful feelings, embracing them with deep compassion. Is there any tension, tightness, fluttering, emptiness? Sit and keep your feelings company..." ~ from the free eCourse at InnerBonding.com It also reminds that we won't explode, go crazy or die if we just allow ourselves to feel whatever we're feeling from a loving and compassionate place. A summary of 'body focusing' technique can be found at: http://www.focusing.org/sixsteps.html
Author Battlewax Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 So what you're saying is that a project provoked these feelings in you, and that even though your work is "no big deal," you love it more than your ex? Confused. No, this was a personal piece that provoke the emotions. Artistry is my one true passion above all else. When doing work for others It's part of my trying to bring out their vision. This time it's mine, me, trying to bring out my own vision. Unfortunately, that brought out some emotions I thought I had already worked through. The body focusing technique is interesting... Almost comical, that one of my ex's complaints is that I didn't do enough of things like that. Then again I don't think she understood that when I am working on my own artwork it is a type of meditation where I tap into emotions and inner thoughts.
Ronni_W Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 when I am working on my own artwork it is a type of meditation where I tap into emotions and inner thoughts. Definitely the process of being creative is meditative and helps one 'go inside'. But it isn't necessarily therapeutic...unless there is conscious intent and willingness to face/feel/heal troubling thoughts and painful emotions.
Author Battlewax Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Definitely the process of being creative is meditative and helps one 'go inside'. But it isn't necessarily therapeutic...unless there is conscious intent and willingness to face/feel/heal troubling thoughts and painful emotions. I'll keep that in mind, thank you.
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 And iBelieve In Symmetry (did I get the punctuation right on that?) Yes, you did. I realized how complicated my name on here is, actually. I was thinking about getting a new account, haha. how long did it take before your nightmares started to go away? I'm at two years post-breakup and I still have them pretty much every night. Well, in the reply I was speaking of mostly while I was with her. So it was while she was making me go through so much sh*t that they really effected me. As for post-breakup, though... We broke up in late April and the 'dreams' (cause they weren't necessarily bad) began early this month. Those made me miss her and want to contact her so badly. That's why I call them nightmares Ahh, just thinking about them make me feel weird. As for real nightmares (dreams with the guy she cheated on me with, friends she ditched me for countless times, etc), they started about a week or two ago. They haven't gone away, yet. And as soon as they do I'll let you know. I had one just last night. I don't let those effect me, though. It's over, y'know? Letting them upset me isn't going to do me any good so I just try my best to not think about it and eventually it goes away. Until I have another one, that is. How was the EMDR?
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