kittie s. Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I'm having a problem. But first, let me give a small description of us: My boyfriend and I had to turn our relationship into a LDR at the end of last year, due to his getting laid off up here. He had to move in with his family 1,000 miles away until he can get back on his own two feet(he has a great new job now and is working on saving up some money). I had a good full time job, but also got laid off just three months ago. So I'm looking and looking. Anyways, we just had our two year anniversary, and we have always been very close. Before he left, we spent almost every day together after work. It was an amazing time! I've been through all kinds of emotions about the long distance. Sadness from missing him, loneliness, abandonement...probably anything you can think of. Anyways, through all of that, we make sure to talk every day. I'm going through many issues here with my dad and family and money issues. It's a disaster here at home. My dad is emotionally abusive & I think it's really wearing me down. I don't have the money to move away yet, because I am still trying to get a well paying job, so I feel trapped. My car broke down two weeks ago, and I have the new part to fix it, but my dad keeps putting it off and I feel ahhh! Anyways, I'm worried my boyfriend might be getting bored with me. He works in an office, so he's online all day, I'm currently looking for a new job, so I'm around the house most of the time, so we have access to each other all day while he's at work, then when he gets online later on that night. I am in college, so I spend some time doing work, but my s/n is online just about allll day. Some people have suggested that I make myself scarce, but I want to talk to people that might actually deal with this, because people don't really understand the dynamic of a LDR. I just, sometimes, feel like he has forgotten who I am and what I'm like in real life. Unappreciated I guess? Maybe he's taking me for granted? I don't know...This morning, I went to a radio station chatroom that he goes to in the mornings while he's at work, and he was just kinda cold acting towards me or something. Nobody would've guessed that we are b/f g/f when he acts like that. I don't know, I probably sound crazy to you guys Anyways, I kind of tried to nonchalantly bring it up in our private IM box, I called him a silly name (we pick at each other alot) and said "you don't act excited to see me anymore! :(" And his response was "I'm sorry". yuck! I don't like that. But a minute later he said he wasn't completely sure it was me at first because another lady comes in with that name and he didn't want to seem creepy, which is true, there's another with my name. I'm just getting worried because he never has been the sickening lovey dovey type, so it's hard to tell what he's thinking when it comes to us! I just need someone that can relate to the insecurities and stuff that I'm dealing with. I know I'm also not the most exciting person these days with my situation at home with my dad, and my not having a job. I just want to make him feel excited to see me again. Any ideas?
Island Girl Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Anyways, we just had our two year anniversary, and we have always been very close. Before he left, we spent almost every day together after work. It was an amazing time! My husband and I started off in close contact as well -- we lived together for over a year before we went LD. I can totally relate to the shock process of changing into an LDR. Things that weren't issues before can suddenly become problems and things you used to rely on vanish completely therefore needing to be replaced. It is a tough time to be sure. I've been through all kinds of emotions about the long distance. Sadness from missing him, loneliness, abandonement...probably anything you can think of. Anyways, through all of that, we make sure to talk every day. I'm glad that communication is a priority. I hear that it totally is for you. Is he just as motivated? Does he contact you first on occasion or "his share" of the time? I'm going through many issues here with my dad and family and money issues. It's a disaster here at home. My dad is emotionally abusive & I think it's really wearing me down. I don't have the money to move away yet, because I am still trying to get a well paying job, so I feel trapped. My car broke down two weeks ago, and I have the new part to fix it, but my dad keeps putting it off and I feel ahhh! I am sorry you are in such an unhealthy environment. You need to seek out things you can do to get out of there. Go to a local bookstore and read - go to the library (NOT online) or see about activities where you are that you are interested in. They don't have to cost money and will not only benefit you but will also benefit your relationship. Even if your car doesn't function - where there is a will there is a way (bus, bike, friend, etc.). Anyways, I'm worried my boyfriend might be getting bored with me. He works in an office, so he's online all day, I'm currently looking for a new job, so I'm around the house most of the time, so we have access to each other all day while he's at work, then when he gets online later on that night. I am in college, so I spend some time doing work, but my s/n is online just about allll day. Some people have suggested that I make myself scarce, but I want to talk to people that might actually deal with this, because people don't really understand the dynamic of a LDR. In this way, LDRs are the same as close proximity. You must have your own interests and activities. You can NOT depend solely on your partner for all of your needs. Hobbies and other friends are healthy and necessary. If you have other interests then you have more to bring to the table - more to talk about - less available time - healthier perspective - and more. You simply can not just be there just about 24 hours a day. It isn't healthy AT ALL and it lends itself to someone taking us for granted. A person should ALWAYS keep their lives going in ways outside of the relationship. If anything - I know I know God forbid -- BUT if anything should ever happen that is reason to break it off or if he does...you need to be able to walk away. He should be PART of your life. Not your entire life. You should always always always save some of yourself just for yourself. I just, sometimes, feel like he has forgotten who I am and what I'm like in real life. Unappreciated I guess? Maybe he's taking me for granted? Sounds like that may be the case. In any event he has access to you whenever he wants for as long as he wants. And you aren't bringing anything else you are doing to talk about, etc. to the table. This morning, I went to a radio station chatroom that he goes to in the mornings while he's at work, and he was just kinda cold acting towards me or something. Nobody would've guessed that we are b/f g/f when he acts like that. I don't know, I probably sound crazy to you guys That doesn't sound crazy. But I'd change my ID immediately to something unique so it isn't the same as the other person as you said. No more of THAT excuse (if it is one). Create a new profile if you must to do so but rectify this ASAP. It's ridiculous. I'm just getting worried because he never has been the sickening lovey dovey type, so it's hard to tell what he's thinking when it comes to us! All the more reason you need to get out and about - have OTHER things going on. And in an LDR he has got to be more "vocal" about his feelings and thoughts. If you need reassurances (that is normal to some extent) then it is up to him to provide it. Are you giving him those reassurances, etc.? If so -- I'd stop and start being more unavailable because of other activities. I make it a rule that I do not give what I don't get in return. So I do not gush lovey dovey stuff if it isn't being given back to me. Everything in the relationship should be reciprocal.
Author kittie s. Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 You have NO idea how much you've helped me! Thank you so so so much. I will do what I can to follow your suggestions. I keep saving everything I want to do for when we visit each other, but doing that is definitely not helping my case. He's busy with work most of the time, he doesn't go out except on weekends during the day sometimes. I do have a few hobbies I enjoy, but I haven't done many of them lately. Painting, clay sculptures, music, writing. I guess I need to focus moreso on those and find some museums around here to visit. I can do those things by myself! Anyways, again, thank you!
Island Girl Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 You have NO idea how much you've helped me! Thank you so so so much. I will do what I can to follow your suggestions. I keep saving everything I want to do for when we visit each other, but doing that is definitely not helping my case. He's busy with work most of the time, he doesn't go out except on weekends during the day sometimes. I do have a few hobbies I enjoy, but I haven't done many of them lately. Painting, clay sculptures, music, writing. I guess I need to focus moreso on those and find some museums around here to visit. I can do those things by myself! Anyways, again, thank you! You are SO VERY welcome. I'm glad I could help. And I am happy to see you are already looking for ways you can enrich your own life and well being. We do not need a man for that!
alpha wizard Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Your guy has no idea how lucky he is to have a girl like you. He has no excuses at all for not being there for you; Definitely not acting like you are the most important thing in his life. He probably knows you won't dump him. Try keeping him entertained with some mental activities (head games, hehehe) For starters, why don't you just out-right tell him you have decided to see other people because you feel like he is not 100% into the relationship?
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