Aife Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Okay, I could really use some advice. My bf is 36, I am 35. We live together and are engaged. I thought everything was pretty fantastic between us, until yesterday. My bf and I have argued about his porn viewing in the past. He agreed to stop. He even got rid of his computer because he said I was more important to him than watching porn and I believed him. But then a few months later, he got another computer...and an IPhone. Porn bothers me. I feel that I have to live up to what my bf is watching. I feel that I have to "out porn" the women he sees on his computer. Subsequently, we have a very intense sexual relationship. Everything goes in our bedroom. Anal, spanking, bdsm....anything and everything. If he wants it, he gets it. But..... Yesterday, I was looking through his computer because I felt that something was going on as he spent almost the entire weekend on the computer. We both have access to each other's computer, complete with ALL the passwords to email, Facebook, etc. And I was horrified to discover that he has been watching porn almost daily, for hours at a time and downloads the movies to his computer. He does this when we are together, after we have had sex, when he is watching the kids all by himself, when he is alone. He has downloaded so much porn this month that I received an email from our Internet Provider warning me that we were about to go over our limit for the month. I am completely crushed. I trusted him. I believed him. Watching porn while he is home alone watching our small children? WHY??? Watching porn after I have just put out and he has gotten off? WHY??? Watching porn for hours at a time almost everyday? WHY??? You know, I noticed something about him a long time ago, but just dismissed it as being just my imagination..but he has a difficult time staying hard during sex and will frequently pull out and get me to suck his cock over and over again in the middle of sex until he gets hard again. One day, when we were first together, he had porn playing while we were in bed and I noticed that he got SUPER hard when something dirty happened on the screen. I dismissed it as nothing but now wonder if he is desensitized to "normal" sex because of all his porn viewing. It's almost like normal sex just doesn't do it for him unless I'm taking it up the ass and screaming "**** my dirty little ass, Daddy" My self esteem is in the toilet right now and so is our relationship. I have confronted him and we argued all day yesterday. He says he is sorry for lying to me and will stop watching porn because it has gotten out of hand. But I just can't believe him. He has sold me this song and dance before. Why is now any different than last time? I am on the verge of asking him to leave. I just can't take this anymore. What should I do?
JohnnyBlaze Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 As Anthony Lapaglia once said, "two words; therapy." Normally, when a woman says "my bf looks at porn; how do I make him stop", my reply is along the lines of "yep, guys do that. Get over it." However, in this case, it goes too far, even by my single-guy standards. I'm guessing that his interest in porn qualifies (by clinical standards) as an obsession/addiction. It's like booze or coke; he's gotten hooked on it. He needs a pro to help him get through this intact. The therapist may or may not recommend a counsellor as well (depending how things are going), but if he's this firmly entrenched in his porn, there probably isn't anything you'll be able to do on your own to break him of this addiction. I wish you luck.
WTRanger Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Is it all porn that bothers you? What if he were to suggest the two of you watch together? I mean just your normal porn, nothing out there. Would that bother you? Is it the sheer amount of porn or would you feel the same way if you had only found one video during one viewing? If you feel that way about his porn habits, you need to confront him head on. Porn addiction is very real, and very dangerous. It's on the level with alcoholism and it hurts those around you. Give him an ultimatum, either you or porn. Tell him if he can't break his habits by himself you are willing to support him going to therapy. There are many support groups to break porn addiction. If he chooses this, he'll need your support more than ever. As with any addict, you may have to roll with some minor set backs and not be overly judgmental. However, if he refuses treatment or has massive setbacks, then you've got to lay down the law with him. Tough love, and stick to your guns.
sxyNYCcpl Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Helluva first post, good chance it will stir up a hornets nest. So that you understand where I am coming from in my advice to you, and in the interest of full disclosure I am pro-porn, pro-kinky-sex, and think sexually repressive attitudes cause many, many bad things. Porn bothers me. I feel that I have to live up to what my bf is watching. I feel that I have to "out porn" the women he sees on his computer. Subsequently, we have a very intense sexual relationship. Everything goes in our bedroom. Anal, spanking, bdsm....anything and everything. If he wants it, he gets it. OK, for the moment let's take your bf out of the discussion. Porn bothers you. Why? And how do you define porn? The fact that you're open-minded and experimental in the bedroom is a good thing, though the fact that you feel you're "competing" with porn is a bit disconcerting. Are you uncomfortable with any of the acts you are doing? If so, what and why? And I was horrified to discover that he has been watching porn almost daily, for hours at a time and downloads the movies to his computer. Would you be equally horrified if he were spending the same time and resources on golf or video games? What makes porn special, and why is it your presumption that it's use is ipso facto unhealthy? Watching porn while he is home alone watching our small children? WHY??? Watching porn after I have just put out and he has gotten off? WHY??? Watching porn for hours at a time almost everyday? WHY??? The question is not WHY??? The question is why not? It doesn't seem as though it's negatively impacting your sex life, you did not say he was skipping responsibilities or spending money he doesn't have, and while I'll concede that based upon what you've written here it does seem a bit over the top, I'm only getting one side of the story. So at what point in time, and based on what input, did you come to the conclusion that he wouldn't be doing such things? he has a difficult time staying hard during sex and will frequently pull out and get me to suck his cock over and over again in the middle of sex until he gets hard again. This may indicate a problem, but nowhere near enough evidence to be conclusive. Based solely upon his age, that is the point where some guys start to have natural ED issues, even if only minor. One day, when we were first together, he had porn playing while we were in bed and I noticed that he got SUPER hard when something dirty happened on the screen. I dismissed it as nothing but now wonder if he is desensitized to "normal" sex because of all his porn viewing. Again, possible, but my guess is that it has more to do with the bolded part. It's a simple fact that sex is more exciting when it's new, no matter who you are. That you are defining some sex as "normal" and some as not is a bit telling, though, it makes me wonder if your real concern here is to make sure your (and by extension his) sexuality remains within the box of what YOU categorize as "normal"? My self esteem is in the toilet right now and so is our relationship. Why? You are who you are, regardless of whether or not he watches porn or not. Whatever "flaws" you perceive about yourself will exist as well. He is not unaware that there are younger, or thinner, or blonder, or women with bigger boobs, or women who will do things you won't do, etc, etc. He knows that whether or not he watches dirty movies. If he's going to end your relationship to chase that, he's going to do it in either case. Similarly, if he's not, he's not.
WTRanger Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 The dangerous thing about porn addiction is that it creates this alternate sexual fantasy world. Which is why the guy was much harder when porn was on. He equates his best erections with the girls on the screen, not the girl that's next to him. It doesn't take a Dr. Phil to realize that this is not healthy sexual behavior. Porn also creates unhealthy expectations in the bedroom. No matter what she does to him, porn will always take it one notch higher. I could find a girl who is willing to be upside down, in a crotchless leather suit, in a glass box, filled with water, with a SCUBA tank on, giving me an angry handy-J, and all the time we're parachuting in this glass, water filled box to earth. Sounds out there right? I bet you within 5 minutes of doing some Googling you can find porn that outshines that moment. Let me state this though, I'm not saying porn is wrong. But you can absolutly be addicted to it, just like any other substance. If you can't refrain yourself from needing to see a naked woman while you are watching your kids, you've got a problem. Believe me, I'm a single guy, and when I say this guy watches too much porn that has to mean something. He needs help or else he might loose what's most important to him becuase of some girl he'll never meet on the TV screen.
sxyNYCcpl Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 WT, I can only assume that last post was to me as you'd already commented to the OP. I agree with you that porn (or for that matter, almost ANYTHING) can be damaging, both individually as well as to the health of a relationship, if done to a compulsive or obsessive degree. I hesitate to use the word "addiction" when it comes to porn as addiction has chemical properties associated with it, but that is largely a point of semantics. I'll concede that if his porn use is REALLY as over the top as the OP indicated we may be in the danger zone, but I also must recognize there is a very good chance she's overstating the case. Raw emotions have a tendency of causing such things. Now I'm off to google parachute, scuba, upside down water leather porn lol.
WTRanger Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 My response wasn't necessarily directed at you, but more of a general commentary based on your post. I agree, that it could be blown out of proportion by the poster. And I agree that we could also be on the verge of a full blown addiction. No one knows for sure except the poster and her bf. All we can do is speculate. Though, porn can make someone feel insignificant. The girl may feel that she's not turning her man on. You can be addicted to porn, just like alcohol, drugs, etc. Just because you aren't putting something into your body, doesn't mean you can't be addicted to it and go through some serious withdrawals when you haven't done it in a while. The chemicals in this case are created in the brain from viewing porn, instead of being introduced from an external source such as drugs or alcohol.
JackJack Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I recommend you read the book, "The Addictive Personality" understanding the addictive process and compulsive behavior. BY: Craig Nakken Its about ALL kinds of addictions, where they start, how they start, what do if you are involved with a loved one that is into porn, drinking, drugs, gambling and so on. I also recommend "Codependency No More" By: Melody Beattie. If you're not already codependent you will be. It usually goes hand in hand if you have one person involved in something that is not good for them. It effects them and the people they love. At least check it out. Good luck! Also, I do not care if you have people on here that may tell you, to forget about it, overlook it, all men do it, etc etc, if its something that bothers YOU, then that is what matters. You can't fix the other person, but you can fix YOU. And just to let you know his involvement of porn has nothing to do with you. So please don't think you're not good enough etc, and if he tells you that, thats part of the addictive denial stage. But just because it has nothing to do with you, doesn't mean its not a problem and doesn't mean it doesn't effect you.
Algonquin Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 that it could be blown out of proportion by the poster. How so? This is more than just the occasional jerking off to porn..This guy is addicted and it's affecting their sex life. He can't stay hard and he's desensitized to her body, he needs porn to get him and keep him hard. ALSO, fact if he is watching porn/jerking off while watching the kids, then THAT is a problem too!! Definately get him to seek counselling about this. It's his problem, it's not about you, your body or how he feels about you. He's allowed himself to become addicted, so please, don't make this about you..Try your best not to let your self esteem bottom out over this.
usmcwife0825 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Okay, I could really use some advice. My bf is 36, I am 35. We live together and are engaged. I thought everything was pretty fantastic between us, until yesterday. My bf and I have argued about his porn viewing in the past. He agreed to stop. He even got rid of his computer because he said I was more important to him than watching porn and I believed him. But then a few months later, he got another computer...and an IPhone. Porn bothers me. I feel that I have to live up to what my bf is watching. I feel that I have to "out porn" the women he sees on his computer. Subsequently, we have a very intense sexual relationship. Everything goes in our bedroom. Anal, spanking, bdsm....anything and everything. If he wants it, he gets it. But..... Yesterday, I was looking through his computer because I felt that something was going on as he spent almost the entire weekend on the computer. We both have access to each other's computer, complete with ALL the passwords to email, Facebook, etc. And I was horrified to discover that he has been watching porn almost daily, for hours at a time and downloads the movies to his computer. He does this when we are together, after we have had sex, when he is watching the kids all by himself, when he is alone. He has downloaded so much porn this month that I received an email from our Internet Provider warning me that we were about to go over our limit for the month. I am completely crushed. I trusted him. I believed him. Watching porn while he is home alone watching our small children? WHY??? Watching porn after I have just put out and he has gotten off? WHY??? Watching porn for hours at a time almost everyday? WHY??? You know, I noticed something about him a long time ago, but just dismissed it as being just my imagination..but he has a difficult time staying hard during sex and will frequently pull out and get me to suck his cock over and over again in the middle of sex until he gets hard again. One day, when we were first together, he had porn playing while we were in bed and I noticed that he got SUPER hard when something dirty happened on the screen. I dismissed it as nothing but now wonder if he is desensitized to "normal" sex because of all his porn viewing. It's almost like normal sex just doesn't do it for him unless I'm taking it up the ass and screaming "**** my dirty little ass, Daddy" My self esteem is in the toilet right now and so is our relationship. I have confronted him and we argued all day yesterday. He says he is sorry for lying to me and will stop watching porn because it has gotten out of hand. But I just can't believe him. He has sold me this song and dance before. Why is now any different than last time? I am on the verge of asking him to leave. I just can't take this anymore. What should I do? First.. Sorry to hear about this. Second, my husband and I are going through the same exact thing. I don't agree with porn and just like you, he knew it. Then I caught him. On his phone.. on the computer.. while watching our 2 year old daughter. I'm at the same crossroads you are.. and it's really hard. My self esteem is GONE. My trust for him is GONE. Respect.. etc.. all gone. I thought I knew him. I was WRONG. He agreed to never look at it again. He admitted to me, once, that he does have a problem. I haven't been able to get him to repeat that though. He agreed to go to counseling. I don't know you.. or your bf. I know my husband and I talked about, screamed about.. etc. He was brought up that it was okay to look at porn. I wasn't. I was brought up to put our kids first. He wasn't. I respect his beliefs while he HAS to respect mine as well. I've never been a big fan of counseling. I look at my parents who have been married for 50 years and they didn't have that option so why should I? Granted, there are more "temptations" or "issues" these days but I'm pretty sure they had their fair share. But, I gave my husband the altermadum. Get help.. or get out. He didn't respect my beliefs about it.. he lied.. etc. SO.. we agreed to go to marriage counseling and he also agreed to go to anger management. And I keep my foot down.. ask him everyday if he has called the counselor to set anything up.. he won't hear the end of it until he does.. and if he waits and procrastinates about it, then I'm gone. Simple as that. If I don't leave, it will eat me alive. I feel like I'm living with a stranger now. I hope in some way I helped.. try counseling. but just make urself happy.. i hope you the best and i hope both of our situations work out.
Lizzie60 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Get rid of the computer and the IPhone.. and if he refuses .. kick him out... he needs to see the consequences of his addiction. I have nothing against porn.. I love it myself.. but what he does is not 'normal'... it is an addiction.. and he can't get hard unless he is watching it.. this is common.... What I'm concerned about is this: It's almost like normal sex just doesn't do it for him unless I'm taking it up the ass and screaming "**** my dirty little ass, Daddy" How old are the kids... keep your eyes opened.. I went to a group 'therapy' many many years ago.. just before I left my first ex.. and this young guy (in his late 20s) was there for his addiction to porn and his pedophile behaviour.. with his own kids.. He wanted to stop but confessed he couldn't... sad.. and sickening.. I'm not saying he is.. but to watch porn when his young kids are there.. is quite disturbing..
Scottdmw Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 It sounds like a really tough situation. I don't blame you at all for feeling extremely angry at your fiancé, especially for lying to you. I do agree with others who posted that porn viewing like this is an addiction. He's acting just like an alcoholic who tells you that he can stop drinking any time. He may actually still believe it himself. But, it's not going to be easy for him at all to stop. And, he will have to really want to for it to work. There are some good resources on the Web from other people who have dealt with similar issues. I posted a couple of links below, but you can probably find many more if you look. http://www.no-porn.com/ http://www.pornnomore.com/ Best wishes, Scott
Taramere Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 How old are the kids... keep your eyes opened.. I went to a group 'therapy' many many years ago.. just before I left my first ex.. and this young guy (in his late 20s) was there for his addiction to porn and his pedophile behaviour.. with his own kids.. He wanted to stop but confessed he couldn't... sad.. and sickening.. I'm not saying he is.. but to watch porn when his young kids are there.. is quite disturbing.. I agree. This is an article (four years old) dealing with number of attempts to access child porn that get blocked every day in the UK. 20,000. In light of the number of people who are evidently accessing or attempting to access child porn, I don't think it's unreasonable to be wary of someone who's spending most of their free time viewing porn. So that you understand where I am coming from in my advice to you, and in the interest of full disclosure I am pro-porn, pro-kinky-sex, and think sexually repressive attitudes cause many, many bad things. The "let's not be so uptight and repressed, guys" argument just doesn't cut it here. Not when the guy is jerking off to porn on the Internet while he's supposed to be looking after his young children. That, my friend, is a situation that could lead to many, many bad things. I mean come on..."**** me up the ass, daddy"? You think she shouldn't be getting a few concerns here?
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