Not really breaking up but yea

[Joyvke]

Ok, so this is not really a thread about boyfriend girlfriend breaking up, but more an 'assumed' friendship. Yes, I put 'assumed' between quotes, because I think I was not even considered a friend.

 

A long time ago I posted a thread about an online friend whome I like alot and really wanted to meet up for real. He had 2 other crushes in that time where he did meet the girls, and me being right with the fact they'd end up just using him, since both had an ex in the background. He still did things with me even though he liked those other girls (yes online), but still, nothing different then how it would be irl I say, it's the thought.

 

When he was dating his last girl, she mailed him telling me to leave him alone. We ended up having a skype conversation and I told him he could drop dead and be driven over by a bus for all I cared. That was the end off it, I told him he was dead to me. This was in February.

 

Around April he poked me online. Weird thing was that I had a dream a few days prior to it where his girl said to him she was pregnant and that they hadn't spoken. I then got to hear his girl initiated "a break" and thus I was good enough to talk, I warned him he shouldn't risks his relation and we kept talking. We also did things again, I'm weak, I know, but hey, I'm not bound to anyone. Also "a break" usuallly means "I'm dumping you in a nice way".

 

Anyway, I tried to make him happy, forget about the things he was going through by being there as a friend. After a while I saw myself falling again. He went from 40 mails on one day to only 10, then slowly nothing anymore, said he knew it. Well I think I was falling for him, I wasn't sure. I was planning a trip to the UK for next month and said I'd love to drop by and meet up. He wasn't sure. In the end he didn't wanted to meet up. Even though it could help us to be just friends and all, as if he's afraid for it.

 

The contact stopped more and more, he didn't log msn, claimed he didn't log it, but yeah, I think he has another msn account, just a shame he doesn't dare being honest with me.

 

I put things at place, thought alot. Every time he did things with me, was also when he liked other girls, made me wonder why he would do that, also if I was one of those girls, he'd prolly do the same.

 

All in all, he's a twat and not really worth my time, so I had written him a 2 page letter.

 

Goodbye for good.

 

So ya, this will probably look or sound weird, considering the fact I said last time in my mail that if you really consider me a friend you’re welcome to poke me, but if you’re just a friend for the sake of it you can stay away as far as I’m concerned.

 

After a lot of thinking I decided to just simply end it. Not in a bad way, not in a “let it bleed to death” kind of way, but the real way. Ending it like this.

 

Seems you’ve been ‘busy’ with the letting it bleed to death. Or you probably found someone else to talk with, which is more likely. Every time when you happen to find someone else, you drop contact, or make it a lot less. I realized that after thinking about a lot of things.

 

Also the fact that you were on FB a lot, makes a lot of sense. You talking with old classmates whatsoever, where one is most likely to be a bit more then just a friend. This is just a hunch, but I’m usually not far off with my hunches. It’s ok, as I said I don’t want you like that anymore. I also realized this that even though you liked other girls, you did things with me. When you were on a break you did things with me, even though I don’t regret doing those things. It made me realize that even if I ever ended up as more then a friend, the chance would be high if there was anyone out there doing the same, I’d be one of the girls you liked doing other things. Now I’m not judging you for it, since you weren’t in a relationship, but it makes me think a lot of things. Where one of them was the type kinda thing, but still able to do things with me that pretty much no one I know can do with people they don’t like even one bit, but yea. Past and all. I think it was a big reality check when you said that when you liked me it was only because you weren’t “alright” in the head, this made me feel both upset and angry and I felt like a big mistake.

 

Everything I had done all that time with you felt like one big mistake. Trying to be friends, doing things, hoping I could change your mind and make you like me again. Just one big thing is that you never liked me like that at all. Perhaps one bit of you did, but the chance I was just “J” is more likely then “ooooh J”.

 

Sorry for putting everything that’s coming up in my mind down again. I feel kind of bad doing this, but it just has to come out I suppose. I know I won’t get a reply and even if I would get one it would be a very short one.

 

When you left I really was very upset and worried, not just as a friend, but someone who cared a lot for you. I was afraid she would crush your heart and just ended up using you in one way. Still after a while I felt better. I talked a lot with friends and stuff and slowly feeling less depressed. Still thought a lot about how you would be doing, if you actually thought about me and all.

 

They sometimes say when someone’s name pops on your head they think off you, I wonder if that was true.

 

The weirdest thing was the fact I had a dream a few days prior to our new contact again, me worrying about you. Just like when I had that other dream and had a horrible feeling as well, the one in February. Where S told me that you guys actually weren’t doing all that great and we hadn’t spoken about you for a long time, because I asked not to. I also asked everyone who knew both me and you, not to mention anything about me, because I didn’t wanted you to know how I felt or how I was doing. That probably sounds weird, but yea. Considering I was still worrying about you and all.

 

When I had that dream I mentioned and when S told me what was actually going on (which was very close to the dream I had, but slightly different), I had the feeling we would end up talking. I never thought she would be the chain linking us together, she was afraid I was mad with her, but I wasn’t.

 

In a way I was pleasantly surprised you actually wanted to say hi several times before as I thought you hated me and all.

 

I do realize I have done a lot of nasty things and I know I can’t undo them, I do wish to apologize for the behavior I have shown. Though apologies aren’t really something one can work with. To be honest I wasn’t the only one, so in that way I’m glad we could say we’re equal regarding doing things we shouldn’t have done.

 

Seeing this letter is kinda turning out big and ended up as some semi past experience kinda **** thing I’m going to close it down rather quickly.

 

I’m glad I realized things, I’m glad I have known you, I’m glad you’re doing so well without me, I’m glad I did have you as a friend when I didn’t feel anything for you, or well was confused, I’m not even sure what it was myself.

 

You were a friend I never had before and you did make me feel special, even though that was never your intention.

 

Though I came on the crossroads of a decision that just had to be made and that’s that I can’t be friends with someone like you. I’m afraid I’ll end up confused again and that I do things I shouldn’t do, or hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you any longer.

 

So please do remember me as the girl that made you smile on skype when you were feeling not right in the head.

 

I wish you all the best in life M. (hamsterboy!).

 

Don’t remember me as a mistake, remember me as me.

Strange thing is, I wasn't even slightly emotional when I made this letter and I don't really care that I'm posting this online either. He didn't respond that he received it, nothing at all, then again I didn't expected him to.

 

Just hope he stays away this time. I'm sick and tired of being good enough when no ones around.

 

Oh well. Hope I don't fall for people like this again .

[Thomas X Forever]

The moral of the story:

 

This is what happens when you fall for people on the internet.

[Joyvke]

The moral of the story:

 

This is what happens when you fall for people on the internet.

 

People on the internet aren't always worse then RL people. This was much better then my first crush, who ended up as my boyfriend who molested me.

 

(where my last boyfriend was always good for me, I met him on the Internet and we dated for 3 years. It didn't end well, but yeah. He fell out of love, but the best three years I had with him so .)