Levi123 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Ugh, title got cut off somehow. It's supposed to say "Need advice" Alright, so I'm new here, but I really need to talk to someone because I can't keep this all bottled up anymore. So, let me start at the beginning of it all, well, before the beginning actually. About 3 years ago, I met this girl and I started to get a crush on her and so on; however, she had a boyfriend at the time, so I befriended her, hoping that one day I could get my chance to make her happy. About a year later, her and her boyfriend were going through a rough patch and she broke it off with him and turned to me, as her friend, for support. I gave it to her willingly and eventually she started to develop feelings for me and we kissed. She took a few weeks to think about everything and make sure that I wasn't just some rebound boyfriend because she didn't want to hurt me and valued my friendship. A couple weeks later we went out on a date and everything went well. We really hit it off well and I was the best as I could be for her. I did all the obvious gentlemanly things that I should be doing, such as carrying her bags, opening doors for her, etc. I treated her like a queen. Gave her messages almost everyday without her having to ask for them, I would give her random gifts, of course, things that she would mention she wanted, but couldn't get for particular reasons. I'd wake up at 5 AM some mornings and walk an hour down to the store, get her her coffee and breakfast and then walk an hour back to give it to her in bed. On our 1 year anniversary I made a box for her and inside I wrote 365 reasons why I loved her, each one on a mini heart shaped paper. I was crazy in love with her and constantly did things like this. After the first year and a bit I stopped trying as hard, we got into arguments more and things started to kind of go down hill. We didn't really get into yelling arguments, but we both got upset and hurt. This is mostly due to the fact that her memory really sucks and she forgets we have plans and makes plans over top of them. Anyway, so, a week ago she thought that it would be best if we broke up because we've been having too many little issues and she just doesn't feel in love anymore, but she still loves me as a friend and wants to stay friends like we were before. She also said she wanted to stay single for a while because she's been in relationships for such a long time. I cried a lot and got really mopey for the first few days, but agreed to still stay friends. Now, everything sucks. We haven't really done much hanging out alone together except for the occasional walk that we go on together at the end of the day sometimes. We've usually been hanging out with our group of friends, which includes both of us. Anyway, since she broke up with me a week ago, another one of our friends(Well, he isn't really my friend since we don't really get along, but they're good friends) told her that he had feelings for her and at first she was pretty neutral about it, but today when we were all hanging out, they were texting non stop to each other and he wouldn't leave her side. Now, this guy is the kind of guy that doesn't really have a romantic bone in his body, would never get a job, Is usually angry and hardly sincere or compassionate and he's not really that attractive either. So, I talked to her, and she said that she was considering going out with him, but isn't sure because she likes being single and she isn't sure if it's just some kind of rebound. Anyway, I don't know what to do, every time we all hang out it pains me to see them always staying close together and me staying further away. Part of me REALLY wants to get back together with her because I love her to death and I treasure and adore the relationship we had and the ground that she walked/walks on, but part of me wants to just make sure she's happy and if she can't be happy with me then she shouldn't be, as much as it pains me. I love her so much. I really know that you can't just force someone to fall in love with you... I'm so lost now as of what to do and every day I get into this pit of despair. What is your guys' advice?
t0ri Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 First of all, you seem like a really great guy, and I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. It hurts, I know. Her two options, according to her herself, are to consider seeing this other guy, or to remain single because she likes it. Neither of them involve you, and she's being VERY inconsiderate of your feelings. I suggest you put yourself and your needs before hers, as she's doing to you. YOU need to heal and be happy, don't worry about her happiness! She loves you "like a friend," but you cannot heal if you offer a friendship to her right now. You've seen a taste of how that scenario would play out, and I'm sure you don't want further anguish from seeing her get involved with someone else! So my advice to you is to stop hanging out with or talking to her. Period. It's a seriously difficult thing to do, but it's the only thing that will mend your broken heart.
asuman Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Hanging out with you seems like a great idea... for HER. That way, she doesn't have to deal with the emotional guilt of breaking up with you, because your presence validates her decision (I dumped him but he's cool with that because look, he's hanging out with me). It all makes her feel very comfortable, as she slowly says goodbye to the relationship. As has been said on these forums elsewhere, what you're doing by hanging out with her is literally helping her get over you. Sounds like a bum deal for you. And that's just how it is from her perspective. From your perspective you are really getting the shaft. Because she's hanging around you, you're not able to accept that it's really over. You're not able to start grieving the loss of the relationship. You're not able to start the process of moving on. You're being given false hope. And whatever hope you might have for reconciliation is reduced anyway, since you're helping her get over you. You need to make this a clean albeit painful break. You need to stop seeing her and hanging out with her. You really need to go NC with her, for a long, long, long time. You can't be "friends" with someone you have such intense feelings for. You just can't. Believe me, I've been in the same boat. The girl I fell for also offered to "hang out" with me as friends when she told me it was over. I'm in my 30s, dude, I've been around the block enough to know better how that turns out. I told her no, we couldn't "hang out", so, goodbye. Painful but necessary. You need to do the same.
aboynamedmike Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 yea man, you sound like a really good guy.(i only gave my now ex-gf a list of 100 reasons why i loved her, but its good to see someone else thinks the same as i do to tell you the truth, i know if i saw my ex hanging out with some guy my heart would shatter all over again. I think no-contact is the best thing you can do, as hard as it sounds, you just gotta do it.. She seems to be over you, and keeping you around because it makes her feel good.(who doesn't like having people like them?) But she doesn't seem to see how much it's stressing you out. You can do better m8, there's tons of other girls out there. After being with my ex for almost 2 years (on and off), there comes a point when you are able to see a life w/o them. Good luck man
juschilln Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 go strict NC for awhile. The only thing u can do is hold your head up high knowing u tried your best for the relationship to work! Hanging out with her, seeing her with someone else is only going to make you more miserable so you need to stop that as well. I wouldnt worry about this other guy sounds like shes downgrading! possibly she will eventually come to her senses of what she truly lost and come running back but thats if u go nc then its up to what u want!
Author Levi123 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Hey guys. Tonight was Prom and since she broke up with me about a week or so ago, we both went single, with our group of friends, and yes, that guy that confessed his feelings to her was also there. Things went pretty good for the dinner portion of it all, and I was pretty decent, but once that was finished and the dancing begun, I started to roll downhill. My Ex suddenly didn't really pay much attention to me. She was still constantly texting with her friend and hanging around him lots. At one point, I decided to start a conversation with her and it went well for the first few lines, but then she just walked away when I was in mid sentence... Anyway, for the most part of the dancing part of Prom I was just walking around and worrying constantly about her and the guy and just what they were constantly texting about. When a slow song came on, he asked her dance, and she accepted and then they slow danced. I saw this and suddenly the tears just started to flow. When the song was over I told her that I was leaving. She followed me out and stopped me and apologized for "wrecking prom". I told her that she didn't even know what she should be apologizing for and then I told her that I saw her dancing with him and it hurt me too much and I just had to leave. She said that she was sorry and that her intentions were not to hurt me and that they're just friends. I then told her that I wasn't sure if I could continue being friends with her any longer as it's too painful for me. After that she apologized some more and said if I wanted to continue talking about it then I should come back inside. I told her that I didn't want to and I was leaving. And I did. So, for the whole hour or so walk home I cried pretty much the entire way. Did I do the right thing? I feel like I just threw out my only real person I could call a friend and any chance of ever reconciling our relationship and making it work again... What should I do? I feel so lost.
boogieboy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Im going to give you a dose of reality. Youre not going to reconcile. get that out of your head. Women rarely move backwards after a breakup, and when they do, they rarely stay. Once they lose love for you, thats it, its gone. You ever try to light a match after you dropped water on it? You cant be friends with her, because you would be thiinking of trying to get back with her, while she is thinking of the new guy. You MUSt get as far away from her as possible. You have to stop contacting her, and you have to stop taking her calls/texts. If you keep hanging around her, it will be torture for you as she moves on, and you dont. Thats why its so painful. It will take longer for you to get over her if you keep talking to her and seeing her. Dont worry about if shes happy, its that isnt going to bring her back to you. At this poiint, theres only one thing you can do, and thats stay away from her. She will try to contact you to relieve her guilt, dont do her that favor. SHE NEEDS TO FEEL THE GUILT FOR DOING THIS TO YOU. Being her friend doesnt work and its here in this thread. It explains the only thing that works to get an ex back. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/ Also go to the "second Chances" forum, you'll see how many people had successful reconciliations over there. It will open your eyes, and help you get over your ex.
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