SoulSearch_CO Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Is anyone else sensitive to this, or is it just me? I don't like it when people think of the most negative outcome they can imagine and then tell you they hope it DOESN'T happen to you. You've now put a very unpleasant thought in my head that I don't want. I'm a big believer in words having an impact. Everything is created spiritually before it manifests physically. Kind of like the person that walks around constantly complaining about how ****ty their life is...lo and behold, their life sucks. Whereas, I've noticed when I speak positive things about my life, I have good results. Anyway...I have asked my BF before to not make these kinds of negative comments to me. Even though he sees no point, he said he wouldn't do it. So tonight he says to me (talking about camping), "I hope it doesn't rain on you the whole time. That would suck." I reminded him that I'd appreciate it if he'd wish POSITIVE things for me. His response was that he didn't see what the big deal was. OK...then I got angry. If somebody tells you they don't like something, why is that not a big deal? If you respect their feelings and in their feelings they make a request, then it's a big deal. Whether or not you understand it, if they are making a reasonable request, it's a big enough deal to them to make the request in the first place. Am I just totally in the wrong? I can understand people saying negative **** about themselves, but why say that kind of stuff to me when I've asked you not to? I think it's rude. So I guess this is kind of a two-part post: 1) If somebody you're in a romantic relationship with makes a REASONABLE request of something to not say/do to them, even if you don't understand it, is it a big deal if you break your word about NOT doing it (on several occasions, no less)? 2) Are the majority of people negative like this? I don't like this. I never have. My XH USED to say this kind of stuff but after following my example of choosing words like, "I hope it's good weather for you the whole time," he started speaking positively. I don't expect to change anybody that doesn't want to make changes on their own. I guess I was most affronted by the "big deal" comment. But I also wonder if most people think negatively like this and maybe there's just no hope of being in relationship with somebody that thinks/speaks positively about life. (haha...the irony...yes, I see it)
IcemanJB Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 1.) Yeah that would irritate me a little bit. But for me, it takes a lot to get under my skin so I can't even think of a specific time this has happened to me... 2.) Yes, some people are like this by nature. It doesn't necessarily mean they have a negative outlook on everything; it could simply mean they're just looking out for your best interests too. Maybe your bf was implying "bring your rain gear in case". If I said "I hope it doesn't rain" I would be implying just that - or I'd just flat out say "weather forecast says blah blah, bring your blah blah...". This could be why he doesn't think it's a big deal. Not trying to defend the fact that he keeps doing it though.
Bayern Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I don't think it's crazy. Just be nice about it and tell him/them you'd rather not hear about the negativity. It may be more common than you think. It's really a defense mechanism - if you get it in your mind that something bad will happen (even if you hope it doesn't) then you are prepared when it does. It will not hurt as much. I know I do it sometimes, but I almost NEVER say anything about it. I remain as positive as possible.
NoTNorMal Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 A few guys, like myself, have been taken to the cleaners so many times [even before we can get the (possibly a slut anyways) phone number)that we get pre-occupied with the phobia of girls making us jump through hoops. We just do without sex until we find the right one. The Babe I want (and she wants me, butt dead) was seven years old last time I was in the sack and she knows it. People say things they regret, some are habitual about it. I try not to be.
hitzpink Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Ohhh I dated a guy just like this for a few months last year. The camping thing is EXACTLY something he would have said. It bugged me SOOOO much. I can't stand negativity and it sucks when somebody is negative about something you're excited about. I mean, why bring up things like that unnecessarily? It just puts such a damper on everything. I talked to my ex about this a lot and gently pointed it out when I felt he was being excessively/unnecessarily negative. He didn't understand the big deal, but he was a sweet person and tried really hard to change the way he spoke (to me and to others in general because this was a CONSTANT thing with him. The dude could find something negative to say about absolutely anything!). In the end when I broke up with him, getting away from his negativity was a relief even though by that time he had gotten a bit better about it. Anyway, your request for your bf not to do that is not unreasonable! He probably doesn't realize when he's doing it though, so just point it out (nicely) when he does it & tell him that it bothers you.
DarkestDreams Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I'm a very organized person and I have always been big on planning, because I like to be prepared for whatever outcome. It probably is a defense mechanism, one that has served me well so far especially in regard to the big life decisions that I've made. One of my ex's became quite obsessed with The Secret at one point, when he was going through a life crisis. Although I believe that to a certain extent we attract the things that we think about, negative or positive, he used it just as a justification for his laziness. For example, he wasn't happy about his job and he decided to apply to another company. I was pretty updated with his work and we discussed broadly about the upcoming interview. I told him to think about answers to possible questions, gave him some tips for body language during the interview, talked about this and that. He dismissed everything I was saying (and it wasn't unwarranted advice,btw, he asked for it) because "if I think positively about it, it's going to happen no matter what". Yeah, well, the interview went really bad, he was completely unprepared, yet shocked at the outcome. I bit my tongue. Thing is, whenever I do say stuff that might come off as negative out loud, I really don't think much of it, it's just verbalizing my line of thought. In a way, I can see how it can be considered as annoying at times for people around me, so I'm working how to keep my mouth shut. But my mind is always racing. I guess you could call it pessimism, although I've always referred to myself as a realist If I say "I hope the bus gets here in time", I'm already thinking of possible alternatives so I won't be late and have someone wait on me. It doesn't mean I'm freaking out and on the verge of an anxiety attack. Every time I said something along those lines or anything that remotely implied planning, my ex's line was invariably "stop stressing so much". I swear, I wanted to strangle him! Needless to say, we didn't make it. And while I do hope this newly discovered life philosophy works out for him, I prefer to get up my ass and work on the problem, while he prefers to sit and attract all the positivity in the universe by thinking happy thoughts.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 If I say "I hope the bus gets here in time" See, I don't have a problem with that. That's a positive "hope" (although I don't bank much on "hope"). The one that bothers me is, "I hope the bus isn't late." There's a difference, in my mind. It just feels like he thinks of the worst possible outcome and that's what pops out of his mouth for what he hopes DOESN'T happen.
DarkestDreams Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 You can think of the worst possible outcome and still phrase it using positive terms. In this example, say "I hope the bus is on time". I think what bothers you is that he does think of the worst possible outcome, but like I previously stated, that's not always a bad thing. It depends on his overall attitude towards life and his personality type. Some people just don't express themselves in that way. Using certain positive terms requires a sustained conscious effort on his part. Assuming he is willing to do this for you, please be gentle and patient
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 It just feels like he thinks of the worst possible outcome and that's what pops out of his mouth for what he hopes DOESN'T happen. Your OP had me a bit... confused. Thinking from your BF's perspective, given the way you wrote the OP, I would have been confused how to fix the "problem." But what you said right above sums it up perfectly, but in the reverse. So, have you told him, quite simply, that you'd prefer that he say what he hopes DOES happen? Because in telling him you don't want him to say what he hopes doesn't happen, you're violating your own rule.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Your OP had me a bit... confused. Thinking from your BF's perspective, given the way you wrote the OP, I would have been confused how to fix the "problem." But what you said right above sums it up perfectly, but in the reverse. So, have you told him, quite simply, that you'd prefer that he say what he hopes DOES happen? Because in telling him you don't want him to say what he hopes doesn't happen, you're violating your own rule. That's a good point, but I said that in the OP: I'd appreciate it if he'd wish POSITIVE things for me. But you may have brought to my mind another way to word it so that it makes sense to him. I understand it's just the way he thinks, so I'm not trying to change that - I just wish I could hear the good stuff instead. So a very good point - thanks. It helps to hear other viewpoints.
zhsoj Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Really? I guess I don't see much negativity there... So you'd rather he say "I hope the bus arrives in blissful harmony with our schedule"? Or "It would be awesome if it was bright and sunny all weekend"? I don't think I'm that negative, but frankly always being positive feels like I'd be blowing smoke up our collective arse... Stuart Smalley like even.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Really? I guess I don't see much negativity there... So you'd rather he say "I hope the bus arrives in blissful harmony with our schedule"? Or "It would be awesome if it was bright and sunny all weekend"? I don't think I'm that negative, but frankly always being positive feels like I'd be blowing smoke up our collective arse... Stuart Smalley like even. Glad to see you were paying attention.
Eleventy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 It's simply because humans are more sensitive to negative outcomes than positive ones of the same magnitude (e.g. gaining 100 dollars feels pretty good, but losing 100 dollars feels REALLY damn awful). Although I agree, things phrased in positive terms "feels" better.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I would view this as a difference in outlook. Your bf sees a glass of water as half empty, while you see it as half full. While I know you don`t want to change him, you`re asking him to guard his words with you, which can create awkwardness. On the otherhand, you can ask anyone for anything and if they can`t or won`t do it, it`s your choice to do something or nothing about it. Hope that`s not too negative!
zhsoj Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Glad to see you were paying attention. I only pay attention to the possible negative outcomes
stefspets Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'm basically a pessimist so I phrase most things in the "negative" light (i.e. I hope nothing goes wrong). But when it is directed towards another person I try to frame it positively (I hope the weather is good). I might not always succeed but I try. I think the tone of what he is saying would, for me, make the difference in his statement. If he's saying it in a way that makes you believe he means it in a positive way (even though it's worded the opposite), then I would look at his intentions more than his words. You can ask him to change but he may or may not be willing to do that. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask if it bothers you this much.
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