she wants to take a break!

[pizz]

ok, we meet at the beginning of the school year at college, we are both 19. we have been together since. we met in september but things really took off by the end of the month. we spent every minute together, i practically started living in her dorm room. but, school ended end of april.

 

well, she lives 3 hours away, no big deal, but she got accepted into a research program that's taking her across the country for 9 weeks. i visited her at home right before she left.

 

we talked on the phone or chatted online almost every single day. shes been away since the beginning of june. after 3 weeks she says she is lonely and wants to take a break because she doesnt know anyway else to deal with it. says we dont really have a relationship anymore. yes, our conversations have been lacking, what are u gonna talk about after 9 months of being together daily that u havent already. and i see how she is lonely cause she has no family or old friends around her. she feels like she wants to have the freedom to date other guys and do whatever comes up. now, this wouldnt bother me accept for the fact that she intends to kiss them, and i guarentee with the amoutn of drinking/partying she does...she will end op having sex. she thinks this is not a big deal and even if sex happens it is meaningless. i say, if its meaningless why must u have it?

 

i am a guy, this pisses me off. i am trying to be understanding. i put away all jealousy knowing that she was goign to be hanging out with other guys and possible go on a date for fun, no big deal. no kissing/sex was mentioned at all. but this is totally different and i cannot for the life of me figure out WHY she would want something like this. the way i see it, if this is how she views relationships, im just a fun time while we are at school and now that we are away she needs to replace me for the time being.

 

she claims that nothing has happened and shes doesnt have another guy lined up or even knows if anything will happen, but then i think why is she pushing this so much. i am totally against this "break" and she knows it.

 

the main thing is that she is saying that she is unhappy and needs to do something about it. she will be back to her home (3 hours away) in the beginning of aug and i was planning on visiting her.

 

i see our relationship as a all or nothing deal. its me and her only. i knew this summer was going to suck but i was willing to suck it up in order to be with her again later.

 

*a little history*

she was the girl who was always dating someone since middleschool. never has been single for very long at all. i always thought this was because her father left her, her mom and her sis when she was very young and she always felt the need to fill that gap with more attention.

 

now, for me. im not anti-social but i tend to be a loner. i am perfectly content being alone/entertaining myself. i am one of those guys in high school that could have any girl i wanted but wasnt interested. i always felt like a relationship was supposed to have meaning and i never really found any girl that i felt comfortable with until i met this girl. she is my first real relationship(one of the reasons i feel like i am not open to a break). she was/is my first and only sex partner. (she has had 2 before me which i have accepeted and am ok with) (another reason why i am not open to a break).

 

i have no idea what to do. i have even said out of frustration if she wants to be with other guys, not to plan on being with me when school starts.

 

i really dont want to be the bad guy but is this really too much to ask of her? not to fool around with anyone else for 9 weeks out of out 9 month relationship? i am highly offended that she even has brought up that she was thinking we should take a break.

 

we have talked about this a lot, we are going around in circles, i dont understand where she is coming from and she doesnt understand why i cant be more flexible. i am afraid to ask my firends about this, cause every on of them will tell me to end it but i really really really dont want to, but then again i will not be comfortable with this.

 

i still dont get it, from what i read online, she doesnt feel like im smothering her, she doesnt need time to have other experiences, she doesnt need time to "think", how i see it is she is bored, doesnt want me to get mad if she develops feelings for another guy while planning on still being with me. but i dont understand how she can ask me NOT to get mad.

 

and with that before i rant on and on i leave this for discussion. i need outsider opinions. any insight will be deeply appreciated!

[BWLoca]

Well, it seems like her history explains it all. She doesn't like to be alone/single and that's how she feels right now. She's not getting the attention she wants.

 

If I ever told my boyfriend that I wanted a break to see what else was out there, I think the thoughts of me being with other guys would always creep back into his head. Not something he could overlook.

[mistletoe]

i'm 19 too, and my bf and i have been together for a year and a half. i seriously dont agree with couples taking breaks, a relationship is not some kind of school vacation or anything. no one should try to get over their problems by saying it, it will be more awkward and vulnerable later on(if you two intend to get back, from the meaning of ''taking a break'') its either you break up and get over it or you solve whatever problems which might have caused her to said ''let's take a break''. talk to her about it seriously, try to be sensitive about the past. love keeps no accounts of wrongdoings.

 

you're a great great faithful guy:) and i dont suppose you have done anything wrong so it isn't really fair she's telling you she wants a break all of a sudden. if she has been thinking about it, she would of told you before, otherwise there must be something wrong with the communication, with her hiding some of her feelings to do with THIS relationship. remember you two are in this relationship together, not her not you alone. so you two should share openly your feelings, especially after its been 9 months together. what could be stopping you two from communicating your feelings easily? i'm sure you're understanding to her whole situation, being lonely and foreign in that part of country. if you wanna salvage this relationship, i think you should plan to visit her some time soon and not wait till later on. do call her up(but not buggingly too many times), be strong!

[pizz]

another thing is because she is my first relationship, i am afraid i have gotten attached to her and therefore having a really hard time with the thought of ending it.

 

also, we have talked about this seriously (last night actually and i am planning on calling her tonight) but she claims she does not know what her intentions are and i fear there is something she doesnt want to tell me.

 

she claims i blew off talking about this summer. i did in a way because i didnt want to just sit there and complain about how much it would suck, i wanted to make the most of the time i was with her. she did tell me she was ok if i went on dates with other girls, to see what its like because i am inexperienced but i thought it was silly, in my mind i thought "what? i go on a few dates and when a girl goes to kiss me, push her face out of the way with my hand and say i have a gf?" (i didnt say this). but she never mentioned anything about her or implied anything more than just a date. this has come up earlier in the relationship of her saying if i am interested in another girl that we could take a break and she would wait for me, but i could never do that, and now i question what she actually meant by "wait"(i am fairly certain there was no intention of wanting a break at that time, just a thought on her part, we were pretty drunk.)

 

- also

taking a plane to see her is going to cost $350+ round trip, plus taxi to get to the place she is staying. if i were to go it would be for a week. i thought about it. but my family is not happy with the idea of me visiting her, let alone paying that much,(in other words, going anyways will seriously piss my parents off, i love her but, i love my parents too) and.....i need the money to pay for school, i am not only going to spend that much on the ticket, i am not going to be able to work for a week.

[pizz]

*the more i think about ti the more i remember to say*

 

the reason why she claims she wants a break is because of lack of communication quality, therefore there isnt a relationship.

 

maybe she sees this more than i do because she is a girl but, we talk everyday. and lately a lot of it is just how was ur day? what are ur plans? so and so... and then anything interesting that happened. i knew it sucked but it was all we had, ive never been much of a conversationalist but i was always just happy to hear her voice...pretend she was with me...but i guess that wasnt the case with her

[mistletoe]

he claims she does not know what her intentions are and i fear there is something she doesnt want to tell me.

 

I wish i knew her but I don't.i guess there might be a possibility that she could be having a crush/infatuation with someone else, who might have responded to her (because she seems so confident to let this all go)

 

I suggest you tell her that you don't deserve such a treatment after all you've done for her. Tell her that you are wanting any self pitying from her but you just want her to know that you meant good, for whatever you've done. Just know that you're the one who hasn't done anything wrong. Let her get to know how you feel in a straightforward manner. If there's anything you'll do, let her know your feelings because that's all you can show her now. if she's still hard about it, i suggest you still wait for her since you really love her. Let go only when you're ready to.

 

It's my 2nd relationship, and I never felt attached to someone so close before as well.I respect you for for loyalty, patience and perseverance.Still, try to call her tonight and tell her about your financial situation with your school parents etc. if not you would be coming over now. it's an urgent matter and i really understand how helpless you feel.

[mistletoe]

the reason why she claims she wants a break is because of lack of communication quality, therefore there isnt a relationship.

 

if this is what she claims, tell her you've always been open about how you feel and never hid anything from her. communication is important but since you have been clear and always open to communicating, and loved just to hear her voice, you are in the right boat but she had some things/feelings she hasn't shared with you, which puts her in the wrong(dont say this)

 

it is true that girls do read into some things too deeply, or be more senstive and overreacted about certain issues, but if one doesn't voice out her opinions, how can the other partner come to understand and know about the situation? It is not the partner's fault then, but the girl herself, for not sharing in the first place.

[pizz]

she knows all of this already....everything, she knows. ive told her.....i didnt really see how it fit in with everything so i never said anything in the lines of "i dont deserve this" but thats definitely not a bad idea.

 

the thing is, she planted her flag on one mountain and doesnt see a way over to me, and i planted my flag on another and dont see a way to her. and so far, there is no inbetween.

 

the main reason for this post to see if i was out of line, to see if i wrong in saying what i said and thanks to all of you, i see that is not the case (im not crazy, yay!..well, i cant rule out a little crazy...)

 

she feels like im acusing her of wanting to go around and be a slut...this is an absolutely horrible thing to think of but, how can i not? once again, i dont understand

 

and i havent asked her very forcefully but she claims theres nothing more to tell me..which i feel will be the topic of our discussion tonight.

 

the comunication thing is not that i have problems telling her how i feel, its just that now when we talk on a daily basis, we have nothing to talk about. i am really starting to think i am just another guy to her, another face...she denies it, but the ease for her to take a "break" doesnt help at all.

 

and who knows, if we take a break...if i finally agree to it, most likely she has already moved on and is looking for a reason to end it with me, or hopefully she wont be able to bring her self to act on anything

 

im going to a good school to be an engineer, "not understanding" has always been a result of a lack in knowledge...i dont know what else to think anymore!!!!!

[pizz]

Good News!!!!!!!

 

ok....about all the stuff i said above....yes, i freaked out...i know...we talked.

 

we agreed to try harder on the communication part...the thing was this weekend, we didnt talk for 3 days....i went on a family trip...and when we talked again we didnt have much to say to eachother. part of me feels like shes blaming it all on me when most of the time she doesnt have anything to say either. idk...but i get in moods when i feel liek talking and when not...and i dont really get that feeling over the phone.

 

she didnt realize how what she did sounded. she said she talked to her best friend and her friend said that she should dump me because she doesnt deserve me ...put things in perspective for her.

 

she never really planned on being with someone else, i guess my reaction to it intrigued her and she was fishing for answers as well. she was just hoping that our relationship was goign down a spiral right now and a "break" would help presearve it when we get back to school and are together.

 

i freaked out, i admit it...but what am i to do, i love the gal!

 

thanks for everything! i just needed to vent, theres good peopel to vent to on these forums!!!!! (i dont sound like a chick do i?....i hope not....would ruin my street cred ..haha jk)

 

thanks again!

[mistletoe]

no prob dude! lol. stay cool. we're all erh, humans anyway. we do have feelings to a disadvantage as well. lol. take cares:)