SweetPinay Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Hey everyone let me start with my story. I have been dating a lovely guy (when he wants to be) for a few months now. Things were awesome in the beginning, but then he started getting jealous of pretty much every guy that I am friends with. I have a lot of female and male friends and never have or had intentions of hooking up with the males. He pretty much accuses me all the time, and asks why I took so long at work and interrogates me at times. I have never given him a reason to do this to me either. Anyone who hears my story thinks he is a controller, and I am trying to think otherwise. I love him to death, but he has a very dark side and it is getting worse. Over the weekend he went to see his child who is a year old out of state. I knew he was going to see his kid, but him being around his ex made me very uncomfortable. I know she is not over him, and have no idea what happened while he was there. I had some stuff on my dresser including condoms I had gotten while at planned parenthood, and threw that stuff out over the weekend. He came over and immediately saw that and starting telling me what he thought I did. He didn't even give me a chance to reason, which is the most frustrating part. I know in my heart that I have not cheated, and am so sick of proving my innocence. I threw some trash out and got accused and when he does accuse, I just get so frustrated, because I did nothing. There have been several other minor accusations before, but it is getting out of hand and he will never admit he is wrong. I need to walk away I know, but I have so much love for him. It is also very unhealthy for me to get stressed out because of his craziness. I need strength to leave him, so someone please help.
BCCA Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 You dont look under the bed unless you hide there yourself. Anyone who accuses you of cheating without good cause is probably cheating themselves. Its part of a guilty concious. Thats why they say you never really get away with cheating, even if the other person never finds out. You'll always have it on your mind. Honestly, having these sorts of problems after a few months is a very bad sign. If anything, it will only get much worse. I think the first 6+ months should pretty much be worry free, or only involve minor disagreements over stupid stuff. Accusations of cheating and what seems to be an utter lack of trust on both sides is an enormous red flag, and a sign of things to come. You also shouldnt be so deeply in love after a few months. Honestly, you really dont know him well enough to create such a deep bond, so I'm thinking youre more in love with having someone than you are with him personally. And like I said, the problems youre having are already pretty serious for such a short time period. People dont change unless they REALLY want to, and make a concious effort to do so for themselves. This guy is only going to get worse, and I honestly would be suspicious of him cheating based on how insecure he is about the subject. Leaving is the right thing to do, dont let a few months go on any longer. This is not a healthy relationship.
Author SweetPinay Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 I agree thanks for your input, that is why I posted here to get a non-biased opinion. All my friends don't like this guy and thought something was weird about him from the door. He was telling me he loved me even quicker than I started to fall for him. Everything just moved very quick and you are 100% right about how this should be the honeymooning phase. These are major arguments we are having. I have been faithful too, which is why I'm so frustrated. If i wanted to cheat I would totally just be single and not devote my time or energy into a relationship. He obviously is doing something himself to be so paranoid. He won't ever sorry, and always manages to switch it and I end up apologizing. Thanks for listening, posting here is very therapeautic and it actually gives me a chance to reflect on all the bad things in this relationship and realize I need to get out asap. You dont look under the bed unless you hide there yourself. Anyone who accuses you of cheating without good cause is probably cheating themselves. Its part of a guilty concious. Thats why they say you never really get away with cheating, even if the other person never finds out. You'll always have it on your mind. Honestly, having these sorts of problems after a few months is a very bad sign. If anything, it will only get much worse. I think the first 6+ months should pretty much be worry free, or only involve minor disagreements over stupid stuff. Accusations of cheating and what seems to be an utter lack of trust on both sides is an enormous red flag, and a sign of things to come. You also shouldnt be so deeply in love after a few months. Honestly, you really dont know him well enough to create such a deep bond, so I'm thinking youre more in love with having someone than you are with him personally. And like I said, the problems youre having are already pretty serious for such a short time period. People dont change unless they REALLY want to, and make a concious effort to do so for themselves. This guy is only going to get worse, and I honestly would be suspicious of him cheating based on how insecure he is about the subject. Leaving is the right thing to do, dont let a few months go on any longer. This is not a healthy relationship.
JenniferxO Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I agree with all the previous posts. I just got out of a controlling relationship with a liar and a cheater. THEY NEVER CHANGE!!! I was oblivious aswell, and didn't think he was ever going around behind my back.. because he was so insecure about me doing it. Guess whaaaat!! He was. Silly me.. decided to try the whole 'forgive' approach.. best advice I can give you.. Move on!! Don't let it get to the point where his controlling behavior turns into abusive. It usually happens that way. And where you two have not been together that long, and he's already acting in such a way.. youre better off running away now.. when you care for him less, rather than a year from now, when it will be harder. Do this for yourself. You deserve someone who respects you, and trusts you and the decisions you make. Not a 'parent' who observes your every move. You have your own life, and do not have to answer to him. Keep your head up!
Seamus Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I went through the exact same thing, so I know how you feel. I left the relationship and have been much happier since. You can do it, you deserve better.
Author SweetPinay Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 thank you seamus and jennifer! I really appreciate the advice. I am so thankful for this group. I am in a new city and he is pretty much my only friend and I have no network, so that makes leaving him that much harder. I do want someone to trust me and not interrogate me anytime I am a few minutes late to come home or throw garbage out. Please feel free to leave more input. It helps to know there are others who have been in a controlling relationship as well. Jennifer how did you find out he was lying?
Seamus Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I was miserable in the relationship, and hung on thinking it would get better once I proved my faithfulness. But no matter what I said or did, I was always cheating. Like you, I was faithful for the entire relationship. Being constantly accused of being with every female I ever came in contact with got so irritating/frustrating that I didn't even want to talk to her! Again, I'm much happier and will be mindful of "red flags" that I ignored with my ex.
JenniferxO Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Well, I found out in several different ways. He'd lie about little things at first.. then they eventually got bigger. I always had a gut feeling when he was lying. and he'd always hide things from me, about doing things- when he was surrounded by a group of people. We live in a little town, walking distance form each other. Everyone talks. So I'd hear things, have that intuition, and I'd ask. If he said no, then whatever, i'd let it go. But days, weeks, even months later.. he'd let it slip. I ended things sunday, and to this day, I still feel as if he is hiding things. However, I am not controlling and won't hound him about it.. I just ask little questions every now and then, and word them so they don't seem demanding.. just curious. Everytime.. he pretty much spit it out. 'guily conscience' as you may call it. Where are all the real men?? haha
Author SweetPinay Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 wow seamus that is crazy! that is him to a tee. I am so mentally exhausted right now. I want a clean break and hope he just never calls me again. I have a feeling he will, but he was so mad and I was so frustrated last night ( he just walked out as always) . I have never dealt with anyone this paranoid. He spent the weekend visiting his baby's mama and was with his ex all weekend and I didn't even question him. why? because I trust him, but now I'm not so sure. He must be up to something to be so paranoid of my actions. It is just so sad to know that no matter what I do, it will get worse. I think that is the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. Jennifer that's crazy, the real men are somewhere right??? I hope. He is the type of person that knows they are wrong and won't admit it. You guys are great, I'm building courage to leave him just reading these great replies.
JenniferxO Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Not a problem. I just hope you make the right decision, you don't need to deal with it. Plenty of GREAT fish in the sea!! Hey seamus, sorry to hear of your relationship troubles. From Boston? Hey neighbor!
Seamus Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I had to come to terms with the fact that no matter what, nothing was ever going to prove to her that I was faithful. And once I came to that conclusion, I was able to accept that the relationship was over. Problem is I stuck with it for way too long, but that's simply a lesson learned. As my neighbor Jennifer mentioned, plenty of fish, and plenty of fish that secure, non-paranoid fish. I do believe it's good to ask someone up front how they feel about friendships with the opposite sex. If someone says "I won't stand for that", hit the road if that's important to you. If it's a secure, solid relationship, this shouldn't be an issue. I don't believe it's fair for a partner to expect or request that the other abandon friends of the opposite sex. If they can't accept it, they're not for you.
Author SweetPinay Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 I agree there are plenty, but I wanted it to work so bad. I have to realize that he is not going to change and no matter what I'm still supposedly cheating. It is very frustrating and once we get over one argument, another comes along that is more intense and twice as bad as the last one. It's only getting worse and I am sadly realizing I can't be in this relationship. Today was the first day of no contact even though we didn't verbally say we are done. I think that fight is enough for me and even if he apologizes (which he won't) I just have to remember how I felt that night being interrogated by the one I love. To question is one thing, but he accuses til I break down and cry. He makes me feel like I'm on trial in court and I don't want to keep feeling like that everytime he is having an insecure moment. This is great therapy for me!
Author SweetPinay Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 wow I just thought I would let you know I went one day without contact and he text me today with " I don't hate you for what you did, I just hope you find happiness and grow past doing stuff like that". He is really out of his mind and narcissistic. I am the one falsely accused and he writes that? Am I missing something? I am just amazed at his audacity.
disgracian Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Ugh. You have definitely moved on to a better place. Cheers, D.
Author SweetPinay Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 he showed up at my house after I told him not to. I finally broke down and answered his text, because I was so mad that he was still trying to say I was at fault. He then showed up at my house after I said I didn't want to talk anymore which made me even more mad. He is totally trying to play mindgames with me, because he then started asking forgiveness!!!!!!!!!!! After all that accusing he admits he was wrong. I'm not sure what to think. He told me he felt really stupid after that night, but his first text indicate otherwise. I'm sorry if this story is hard to follow, but so is he. Just wanted to keep you all posted and any feedback will be helpful
disgracian Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 He sounds too erratic and irrational to bother with. Cheers, D.
lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 sweetpinay, i married a man exactly like your boyfriend. the first few months he was extremely jealous and controlling. i thought that that was his way of showing that he cared so, i cut off ties with all males. i couldn't do anything that put me in situations with males. when we would go grocery shopping, or out to eat, he would accuse me of looking at men. these things did not happen immediately but, it PROGRESSED to this. from experience, leave now. if you don't, you will fall into habit and start thinking that this control is normal because you '' love '' him so much. 2 and 3 yrs down the road, when you realize that the past few years of your life has been completely controlled, that whole love thing dosen't sound too hot anymore. you will resent him. you have the oppritunity to avoid a tragic situation. leave now.
lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 he showed up at my house after I told him not to. I finally broke down and answered his text, because I was so mad that he was still trying to say I was at fault. He then showed up at my house after I said I didn't want to talk anymore which made me even more mad. He is totally trying to play mindgames with me, because he then started asking forgiveness!!!!!!!!!!! After all that accusing he admits he was wrong. I'm not sure what to think. He told me he felt really stupid after that night, but his first text indicate otherwise. I'm sorry if this story is hard to follow, but so is he. Just wanted to keep you all posted and any feedback will be helpful husband has done this too, very early on in the relationship. stopping by after you say you don't want to talk, calling back to back when you're asked for space.. it's all BAD SIGNS. women tend to think that they're being loved when a man acts like this... it's not love, it's him against himself.. his obsession with having things his way.
sugarmomma Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Sounds like you have a real nutcase on your hands. Google "how to spot an abusive man". You will see all the signs. He is classic abuser. Be leery of men who want to rush into relationships and fall in love with you instantly. My xh was the same way and I fell for it but never again. I am wiser now. Please get away from this man. He is a loser!
Seamus Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Check out this site, might help you gain some clarity into his behavior.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I had to come to terms with the fact that no matter what, nothing was ever going to prove to her that I was faithful. And once I came to that conclusion, I was able to accept that the relationship was over. Problem is I stuck with it for way too long, but that's simply a lesson learned. As my neighbor Jennifer mentioned, plenty of fish, and plenty of fish that secure, non-paranoid fish. I do believe it's good to ask someone up front how they feel about friendships with the opposite sex. If someone says "I won't stand for that", hit the road if that's important to you. If it's a secure, solid relationship, this shouldn't be an issue. I don't believe it's fair for a partner to expect or request that the other abandon friends of the opposite sex. If they can't accept it, they're not for you. Even if they say they're okay with it at the beginning, it's their reactions you have to watch out for. Mine was accusing me 3 months into our relationship, and so after 5 months, I did end up with someone.
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