I'm new.. and lost.

[usmcwife0825]

Hi.. I'm new here. My name is Laura and I live in Cali. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years but have been together for 4. We have a 2 year old daughter and a son on the way. This is the WORST time to have issues.. 6 months pregnant. Anyhow...

 

My husband and I are extremely close. We are best friends. He joined the Marine Corps a year and a half ago and I supported him 100%. When we got orders to move here from NC, I quit my job, packed my bags and drove to Cali. We have lived in since October. I've ALWAYS had a job, a good job, very career focused. Since moving here, I've been a stay at home mom, which is not for me. I miss being in the corporate world. I love our daughter to pieces but it's just not for me. Anyhow, my DH and I have to be close because we really don't know A LOT of people here. I do everything for him and I always had. (Clean, Cook, Laundry, Finances, EVERYTHING) And he's a good husband as well as a good father. Ok.. so I built you up on the good stuff.

I got a speeding ticket here and had to go to court about a month ago. So, I left him at home with our daughter so I could go to court. 2 hours passed and I came back home. I had gotten an email from his doc so I wanted to check it out so I came in the house, said hi to my daughter, wiped her nose because she had been getting sick and it looked like he hadn't wiped it at all, and grabbed the laptop. I open the browser, begin to type in yahoo.. but i was stopped at the y because it brought up several porn sites. Ok. so.. MAYBE im a crazy wife.. I dunno but he KNOW my view of porn and I don't agree with it, I think it's nasty and he's been okay with that for the past 4 years. ANYHOW.. I lose it. I shut the laptop and go in the kitchen, grab the keys and prepare to leave.. not sure for where. Then I question him about it. He denies it. I'm not STUPID by any means. I even brought the history up for him. He denies it.. still. SO NOW.. I'm pissed because he was looking at porn (disrespectful, disloyal) AND he wants to lie about it??? (trust) WTF. AND MY 2 YEAR OLD WAS IN THE SAME ROOM AS HIM. (just down right sick.)

 

Then he calls ME stupid.

 

I'm 6 months pregnant.. I wobble when I walk. So.. yeah, I'm a little insecure about things but def. not stupid. And def. not the time NOR place for me to find out about it.

 

SO.. he owns up to it. We agreed to marriage counseling for us and anger management for him. He has a real bad temper.. and he hit the closet door. It's been a month and nothing has come from the counseling.. he was supposed to call to make the appt (he has to...) but he hasn't. I had given him the choice... counseling.. or us.

 

Since this whole fiasco, I don't trust him, I hold my head down when we go out, even to the grocery store. I don't respect him anymore. I find myself checking the history every day. He promised it wouldn't happen again. And that killed me because before we were married, I had caught him ONCE before and he promised me it would never happen. Since then, it hasn't happened or he's been real good at hiding it. It just makes me question so much.. One day I picked up his phone to google something and when I opened up the browser, it was a personal ad from Craigslist for some chick. This was 3 months ago. He denied it saying someone else had his phone.. now I wonder. Stuff like that... it just really bothers me.

 

I wonder if we can really work through it or is it over. I'm 25.. he's 27. We have a healthy sex life.. always has. I just feel like he's cheated on me.. lied.. deceived me...etc.. or am I just being my pregnant self? I know it's a long post.. my apologies. Any help would be appreciated.

 

 

 

Thanks

[usmcwife0825]

and I'm sorry if it's not in the right place.

[Molley]

Hi USM - call Military One Source and ask for a therapist, individual counseling for you, they'll set you up with 12 free sessions because you are military. Then if you still want and feel you guys need MC, ask for that too, they'll give you 12 sessions of MC. If you need their phone number, go out onto the Tricare West site and it will direct you to MOS.

 

Men look at porn, the internet is so easy to do it... even when they have a healthy sex life at home, they look. Whether its an ok thing to do or not is up to the couple and their believes... if you're not okay with it then he should respect that.

[usmcwife0825]

Hi USM - call Military One Source and ask for a therapist, individual counseling for you, they'll set you up with 12 free sessions because you are military. Then if you still want and feel you guys need MC, ask for that too, they'll give you 12 sessions of MC. If you need their phone number, go out onto the Tricare West site and it will direct you to MOS.

 

Men look at porn, the internet is so easy to do it... even when they have a healthy sex life at home, they look. Whether its an ok thing to do or not is up to the couple and their believes... if you're not okay with it then he should respect that.

 

 

thanks for the info. I wonder if this is different than what his chain of command had offered. He told his SSgt that he and I had fought, wanted to seek anger management, SSgt asked him if he had hit me.. H said no so SSgt directed him to the chaplain. I'll call MOS and check out what they have to offer. Thanks so much.

[Teslacoil]

Yeah I'm a newbie on this forum as well... allow me to weigh in.

 

I believe that either your priorities are a bit off-kilter or there is a lot more going on than just your husband looking at porn and lying about it.

 

You've built up your relationship as picture perfect, but you hint at a lot of things you're not happy about. You don't enjoy being a stay at home mom. You do "all" of the work (finances, cleaning, etc). You don't have any friends.

 

Then your husband looks at porn, and suddenly after a month of counseling you're coming to an online forum looking for help.

 

First of all, if your trust issues with your husband are coming up because your husband looked at porn and lied about it, I think your priorities are off-kilter and you're over-reacting. A disagreement like this should be a small rock on the road of your marriage, but you're making it out to be a boulder. How much of your relationship are you willing to sacrifice over this? Spouses of different religions often have to make these kind of choices (my religion and my spouse's are incompatible, how do I reconcile the two?), but looking at porn is certainly nothing of that magnitude.

 

This is why I think there's a lot more going on here. I'm assuming you're a reasonable person who really isn't ready to give up her marriage because her husband looks at porn.

 

Your husband is obviously more sexually liberal than you are. You can force a round peg into a square hole and attempt to force him to change, or you can try to work and accept him how he is. If you try and force him, be prepared for him to resent you for it, and to continue to lie about it when he fails to measure up to your expectations.

 

My advice would be to fix your job situation, fix the housework situation, and fix your social life. I think those things will bring you and your husband a lot more happiness than forcing your husband not to watch porn.

[usmcwife0825]

Yeah I'm a newbie on this forum as well... allow me to weigh in.

 

I believe that either your priorities are a bit off-kilter or there is a lot more going on than just your husband looking at porn and lying about it.

 

You've built up your relationship as picture perfect, but you hint at a lot of things you're not happy about. You don't enjoy being a stay at home mom. You do "all" of the work (finances, cleaning, etc). You don't have any friends.

 

Then your husband looks at porn, and suddenly after a month of counseling you're coming to an online forum looking for help.

 

First of all, if your trust issues with your husband are coming up because your husband looked at porn and lied about it, I think your priorities are off-kilter and you're over-reacting. A disagreement like this should be a small rock on the road of your marriage, but you're making it out to be a boulder. How much of your relationship are you willing to sacrifice over this? Spouses of different religions often have to make these kind of choices (my religion and my spouse's are incompatible, how do I reconcile the two?), but looking at porn is certainly nothing of that magnitude.

 

It may not be of magnitude to you but you don't find it a bit odd that someone watches porn, sexually explicit material, around our 2 year old daughter? Am I crazy here? To me, that takes a VERY sick person. She was in the same room as him. And my trust issues were fine until the man whom I've been with for 4 years, known EVERYTHING about, lied to me ... and how many times has he done it? I mean, he knew my views about porn from day 1. He's even made jokes about it. So, to me, it's like he's lied to me from day 1 and lied about who he truely is. I mean, what else has he lied about?

 

This is why I think there's a lot more going on here. I'm assuming you're a reasonable person who really isn't ready to give up her marriage because her husband looks at porn.

 

Your husband is obviously more sexually liberal than you are. You can force a round peg into a square hole and attempt to force him to change, or you can try to work and accept him how he is. If you try and force him, be prepared for him to resent you for it, and to continue to lie about it when he fails to measure up to your expectations.

 

My advice would be to fix your job situation, fix the housework situation, and fix your social life. I think those things will bring you and your husband a lot more happiness than forcing your husband not to watch porn.

 

 

You're right... about some things.

 

We havent been to counseling because he hasn't made the phone call.. and he has to unless we take the previous poster's suggestion and go to MOS. I tried.

 

My job situation cannot be fixed right now. In fact, where we live is a really small area and I've been looking since we moved here, in October. Now, I'm 6 months pregnant and just was diagnosed with gestational diabetes which makes it a little harder. It was/is a HARD adjustment from working 50 hours a week to staying at home with my little girl. We have friends here but none I feel like I can run to like I could back home. And the housework situation? My husband feels since I don't work, that I shall be responsible. So, I do it. That's not a big issue at all. I accept that.

 

I guess what really bothers me is that I feel like the man whom I've given everything to, given up so much for, isn't the person I thought he was. It's like it's all coming to light. Guess your true colors show after some time.

[Molley]

Hi USM,

 

Okay don't wait for him to make the appt to seek counseling, seeing the base chaplain is not the same as seeing a therapist. Because you are a spouse of a military member you can call MOS, the number is 800-342-9647, they are available to you 24/7. They are a 3rd party provider, contracted by the military. For me, they found a great IC therapist and then my H called to set up his own appts. So, if your H doesn't feel MC is the way to go, seems like he's not interested since he hasn't done anything about setting up an appt wit the chaplain, you go... if for no other reason than to work on your own issues and misgivings about the marriage. Maybe what you're feeling is hormonal because of your pregnancy, but it sounds like you do need to chat with a trusted advisor because to me it seems like there's more happening with your feelings/thoughts than just the porn issue.

 

But, I think sooner or later you and your husband are going to have to sit down together and openly discuss your thoughts and ideas about porn, since for you its a big thing and for him... well, he enjoys it and doesn't see it as a bad thing. You'll have to come to a conclusion that will satisfy you both...