lovebubble Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 i'm so utterly disgusted with myself. i'm in an abusive relationship.. but, i cannot tell who the abuser is. a huge part of me feels like it is me. for example; my husband and i will get into a screaming match. he'll usually pick up one of my belongings and break it, and then proceed to point into my face, punch a wall or '' pretend '' he's going to hit me. in which case, i'll feel threatend and completely attack him, out of anger. i'm just so weak mentally that i do not know how to gain control when i am disrespected. who's the abuser, or are we both abusive? sometimes i feel like i am being manipulated and that he takes some type of pleasure out of seeing me explode. i just got my own apartment and will be moving out saturday. any advice would be greatly appreciated.
silverfish Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Well the way you deal with it is the way you are dealing with it - you walk away... If someone other than your partner behaved in this way towards you, would you react in the same way? I mean, if someone you worked with was provoking you in such a manner you have to ask yourself - how would you react? Extreme violition of your personal space by use of finger pointing, verbal abuse, physical threats and breaking of personal property is enough to get anyone arrested in a public space. Just because it's behind closed doors doesnt make it any better. At the very least you need to cool down and get some perspective which is what you are doing. Well done for taking the first step..
Author lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 thank you so much, silver. thanks for putting it into perspective like that. i wouldn't allow a stranger to do those things, which is why it hurts even more when it comes from my husband. i will take this time of seperation to really figure things out.
blind_otter Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I think that there is a lot of mutual "crazymaking" in some abusive relationships - where the abuse is really mutual. This is just a theory, but I think that usually the dynamic involves one (or both) partner(s) who has an inability to apropriately handle intense emotions and one (or both) partner(s) who have an inability to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. I would encourage you to seek some therapy or support during this transitional time. You can use this time to heal and seek some guidance for your own issues.
Author lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 thank you blind. it is very much so mutual. i've been trying to point finger, even at myself but, the abuse is mutual. i'm just so disgusted with myself because of this nasty pattern that i have. when i get mad at someone, i lash out by saying the meanest things that i can possibly think of. i verbally attack his career, his appearance, his personality, his family.. anything that will sting, basically.. yet i am the one leaving.. and he is the one begging me back. it just feels so backwards. i don't understand it. i wish that he could see how completely toxic this relationship is.. but, his motto is '' anything can be worked out ''.. while i am at my wits end.
blind_otter Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I happen to agree with him, I also believe that most things can be worked out. Sometimes this involves the use of a therapist to guide you back towards more healthy habits. Sometimes, though, there is too much "water under the bridge" so to speak, and you can't see through all the crap that has accumulated between the two of you to find a path towards a healthier way to relate to each other. Only you know, though, if you've had enough and you are no longer willing to extend yourself. I wouldn't blame you, I know how it can be. Just make sure that you attend to this rage of yours before you go into another relationship because anger is some sucky stuff. It will age you prematurely and can cause all sorts of nasty physical emotional and psychological scars. It's good to exorcise those demons, regardless of which path you choose.
Author lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 thanks so much, blind. i am not concerned about going into another relationship with anger issues and i will explain why. from day one, he has had extreme control, anger and jealousy issues. i had never met anyone like him, ever. of course, there were things beside the anger that made me fall in love with him but, anyone who knew him, knew that he had a temper. in my previous relationships, there was never any abuse and this extreme jealous behaviour. it was all new to me.. but, over the years, i seem to have picked up his bad habits. i feel like he is an enabler to the abuse and anger. he does not respond to '' please and thank yous '', he only responds to anger. that is what is familar to him. i'd like to think that this frame of mind is not permanant. that if i was with someone oposit of himself, i would revert back to my relationship behaviours before i got into this abusive crap.. or maybe i'm tainted, i'm not sure.
sugarmomma Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Wow this sounds just like my marriage (that ended btw due to the abuse). He definitely "feeds" of this relationship. It makes him feel powerful and now that you're leaving just know that he will do anything to trigger you and push your buttons. You have a lot of work to do and you won't make it work without professional help. This sounds like a very dysfunctional enmeshed situation that will get dangerously violent if it doesn't stop. I am glad to hear that you are moving out. You describe him as angry controlling etc. You may want to do some soul searching to find out what attracted you to this kind of a man inthe first place. what are your family of origin issues?
blind_otter Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 thanks so much, blind. i am not concerned about going into another relationship with anger issues and i will explain why. from day one, he has had extreme control, anger and jealousy issues. i had never met anyone like him, ever. of course, there were things beside the anger that made me fall in love with him but, anyone who knew him, knew that he had a temper. in my previous relationships, there was never any abuse and this extreme jealous behaviour. it was all new to me.. but, over the years, i seem to have picked up his bad habits. i feel like he is an enabler to the abuse and anger. he does not respond to '' please and thank yous '', he only responds to anger. that is what is familar to him. i'd like to think that this frame of mind is not permanant. that if i was with someone oposit of himself, i would revert back to my relationship behaviours before i got into this abusive crap.. or maybe i'm tainted, i'm not sure. Well I'll tell you that personally, after I got out of a very abusive relationship in 2004, I found myself acting all crazy all the time in my subsequent relationships, even when the guy wasn't abusive. The man I was with is still in state prison for what he did. After you spend a year or more dealing with that kind of crap, I think it rewires your brain. I'm on round two of therapy - I did a year of intensive independent counseling, now I am having to go to a family therapist as well with my S/O of 4 years (I met him about 6 months after the end of the abusive relationship). And I have an undergrad degree in psychology, so I'm not a newb when it comes to understanding the need for therapy. I assumed, as you did, that when the abusive relationship ended, my difficulties would end. They didn't. I just had new, heavier emotional baggage to carry with me. I hope you find what brings you peace, though. Maybe you can do it without guidance.
Author lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Wow this sounds just like my marriage (that ended btw due to the abuse). He definitely "feeds" of this relationship. It makes him feel powerful and now that you're leaving just know that he will do anything to trigger you and push your buttons. You have a lot of work to do and you won't make it work without professional help. This sounds like a very dysfunctional enmeshed situation that will get dangerously violent if it doesn't stop. I am glad to hear that you are moving out. You describe him as angry controlling etc. You may want to do some soul searching to find out what attracted you to this kind of a man inthe first place. what are your family of origin issues? thanks so much. yes, i am looking forward to the hateful text messages throught the day, him threatening suicide, and so forth. i already know these things will entail. the last time i kicked him out, he went and got my name tatood on his body and rode past the house for days at a time. he wasn't eating or bathing. when it gets this extreme, the guilt really gets to me.. and i usually end up taking him back. i'm trying to break the cycle, this time. this is the first time i've actually taken the innitiative to leave. during this seperation, i'm really going to try to seek professional help. you have such an awesome point.. i really need to dig deep and find out what attracted me to this kind of man. sometimes i really do wonder if he has an existing mental health condition. in order to '' get me back '', he's lied and told me he had cancer.. his mother is dying.. he broke both of his legs while doing a jump ( he jumps out of planes) that there were strange men ( he was insinuating that '' fans '' had found out my residence.. im in the public eye so i have to be careful about my personal info getting out ) at my door looking for me, basically insinuating that my life was in danger.. all because '' he misses me ''.. that was his excuse for telling me these horrible things. all of it is lies. he is very passive-agressive.. and i think i was attracted to his passive side. he would always play the victim and i fell for it. i think the fact that he was possesive was flattering to me at first. little did i know what that character flaw would entail.
Author lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Well I'll tell you that personally, after I got out of a very abusive relationship in 2004, I found myself acting all crazy all the time in my subsequent relationships, even when the guy wasn't abusive. The man I was with is still in state prison for what he did. After you spend a year or more dealing with that kind of crap, I think it rewires your brain. I'm on round two of therapy - I did a year of intensive independent counseling, now I am having to go to a family therapist as well with my S/O of 4 years (I met him about 6 months after the end of the abusive relationship). And I have an undergrad degree in psychology, so I'm not a newb when it comes to understanding the need for therapy. I assumed, as you did, that when the abusive relationship ended, my difficulties would end. They didn't. I just had new, heavier emotional baggage to carry with me. I hope you find what brings you peace, though. Maybe you can do it without guidance. you're completely right. i guess i just kind of don't want to believe that this man has ruined me, to some extent. i want to believe that i'm going to come out of this completely normal.. but, i won't. i will need some type of therapy. we've done marriage counceling and he has taken anger management classes, to no avail. i think we are beyond the point of counceling as a couple. he has anger and insecurities that stem from childhood. those things are going to be so hard to reverse.
Author lovebubble Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 oh and sugarmomma, you asked a very good question that i had overlooked. '' what are your family of origin issues? ''. it was me and my mother, always. she raised me as a single mother, and i was an only child. i love my mother to death but, as far as parenting, she did not have any guidance. she's from another country, had no friend or family here in the states, just me and her in our own little bubble. i have NEVER seen her with a man, after my father. i think that in itself molded me to be very independent.. especially of men. all of my friends applaud me on how '' no nonsense '' i am when it comes to men but, this relationship kinda showed me that i'm not as independant as i once thought. it just took the right man to get me in the right place, mentally, and i was making relationship mistakes just like any other woman.. something i was not accustomed to. being an only child and having a mother that didn't put up with any mans nonsense i believe is where i got my slightly controlling side from. it's usually '' my way or the highway '' when i'm in relationships. this mind frame is very hard to break because i feel like the minuite i do, i will be run over by a man.. and this is my biggest fear. i think this is why i'm constantly fighting back, so to speak. i'm scared of losing control. sorry for babbling so much.. just waiting on the movers to come pick up my belongings and doing a lot of thinking
sugarmomma Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Yep my xh was very passive aggressive and also threatened to kill himself after I found a phone bill with 5000 minutes used not talking to me. He said he was gonna run his car into a wall. Of course I fell for it but eventually divorced him. I am also recovering from codependency issues and I realized that I had no boundaries with him and the few I had he would walk all over them and vice versa. You can't allow the guilt to get to you because you are not responsible for another adult. He has his own path in life just as you do. Wow. I would never be with a passive aggressive again. They are so much more cunning than the aggressive types because their behavior is usually overt. I am so glad that I got divorced and got a chance to start over and become healthy so that I can attract a healthy man. If not, at least I'll be working on myself. I hope things work out for you.
Mei Mei Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I had ever given a second chance to my ex after two months break, but things get worse and he was accusing of other people giving me evil advices and so on, oh my kids were also at greater of facing his poor temper and anger control... Never can there be a second chance for persons with abusing character and poor temper control. Oh it is still nightmare for me to get back to those memories!!!
Recommended Posts