Author murphomatic Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 I'm just checked out, and ironically, I'm worried about upsetting her. Your girl sounds so completely unreasonable that you couldn't talk these things out if you wanted to! Drag her ass into therapy if you're still thinking about saving this, because there's no way she'll be responsive to your needs otherwise. That's been my complaint with my girl all along and she's trying to change now, I just feel like it's too late... Dang do I know that feeling. Checked out, but still worried about upsetting her. Quite the conundrum. I don't think we can talk it out. I've tried several times. I'm truly a passive person, and I always approach these things softly ... but every time we have a discussion of this nature, it boils down to a fight where she reaches for whatever poo she can find to fling at me (example: the sex comments from her I related above). Had absolutely no bearing or place in the argument, was completely beside the point, but she just needed a weapon to hurt me with. This is how our "talks" go. Impossible.
Phateless Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Dang do I know that feeling. Checked out, but still worried about upsetting her. Quite the conundrum. I don't think we can talk it out. I've tried several times. I'm truly a passive person, and I always approach these things softly ... but every time we have a discussion of this nature, it boils down to a fight where she reaches for whatever poo she can find to fling at me (example: the sex comments from her I related above). Had absolutely no bearing or place in the argument, was completely beside the point, but she just needed a weapon to hurt me with. This is how our "talks" go. Impossible. lol yep, I've called my girl impossible so many times. Your girl sounds even less willing than mine to change. You know she's being ridiculous yet you tolerate it, just like I did. Why did we take this crap?! I think we were just so shocked at the lack of maturity that we didn't know how to react. I should have said "call me when you can talk about this calmly" and then let it sit as long as it took her to call. But I only did that a couple of times. She SAYS that things will really be different this time and all I have to do is give it a chance, but I just don't feel safe being vulnerable anymore. Sad, really... She's still my best friend and I don't want to do this but I feel like there's no going back anymore.
Author murphomatic Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Well, this morning was the final straw. It is over with her - I broke up with her and have gone NC. This morning's incident wasn't anything major - quite petty actually .. but just another drop in a quickly filling bucket...especially after she embarrassed me in front of some of her friends lastnight, friends she'd invited to my house for dinner without prior discussion with me (I think I mentioned this in a previous post). Anyway - this morning I was in the shower and my alarm on my cell phone was going off. She grabbed the phone and turned off the alarm, and noticed the background image on the phone is one of my motorcycle (a pic that's been there months now), and said in a very offended way "Oh .. ANOTHER motorcycle picture" ... as in: "Everything in your life needs to be a shrine to MEEEEEEE!". I said "Yeah ... got a problem with that?" She immediately threw a temper tantrum like a spoiled little girl who didn't get what she wanted for Christmas, stomped out of the bathroom and slammed the door behind her...enough to rattle the walls and light fixtures. I mean for Christ's sake ... I have her picture on my phone under her contact with her own ring tone, etc. that pops up on the screen whenever she calls or texts me. I just happen to be passionate about motorcycles as they've been a part of my life since I was born...something I associate with my Dad - who I love dearly and is one of my very best friends. She, on the other hand, is passionate about NOTHING (other than getting drunk)...so a bit of animosity perhaps? Anyway - I finished my shower and went out and told her that her reaction was confounding and unacceptable to me, and that she was treading on thin ice anyway - so "just press it a little harder and watch what happens." She pressed it. I ended it. I said I was sooooo sick of all the petty, trite bull****. That we were through. I told her to get her things, and I would drive her home. She SCREAMED at me through tears the entire way to her house (about a 30 minute drive + several stops for her to lean out the door and throw up)..about how she'd done such a good job in our relationship, and gave me so much, and loved me so much. At one point, I told her if she didn't stop screaming at me - she could walk the rest of the way home in the rain. There's much more that went on - my disagreement about how good she was in our relationship, and my itemized list of where she disrespected me, and how her drinking is a severe problem that will destroy her life, but I'm so emotionally drained right now, I can't summon the energy to relay the exchange in its entirety. Basically she thinks she was a shining star in our relationship, and just can't fathom why I'm such an ass. I'm feeling really odd.. pretty sad at this point, but mixed with a strange sense of relief. I truly DID love her...but she was never going to change, and I wasn't going to expect her to. There were so many things that were good, but the bad simply outweighed them. I feel like a jerk, but I'm certain my choice was the right one as hard as it was to make. I'm trying to stay strong at this point and just lay low and maintain NC. She sent a text a little bit ago, stating that I had left my favorite sweater at her house and some pajama pants (she borrowed them from me to wear), and inquired if she should mail them to me, or if I wanted to pick them up. I typed a response to her to just keep them..that they looked better on her anyway -- but then didn't send it. NC is NC and I think I need to just drop off the grid. She's still listed as my girlfriend on Facebook, so I haven't been e-dumped in retaliation yet - but I sense that is coming soon. Feeling so weird... sad, lonely, heelish...... but free.
NopeNah Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Well played,sir. Sucks that you waisted the summer though.
Author murphomatic Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Well played,sir. Sucks that you waisted the summer though. There will be more summers.. I learned a lot this summer about what I don't want in a mate. I'm faced with what seems to be a difficult decision now because of my current perspective. I got an e-card this morning from her that said: Good morning. I made this yesterday during my self imposed torture session. Theres nothing like heartbreak to make the funniest website ever just another thing to cry about. I still think the movie is pretty freakin cute however. I know that you regretted terminating our relationship yesterday and wanted for me to tell that you I regretted it to and that we should sit down and talk about what had happend. After a tremendous amount of self reflection and in depth thinking I would like to talk with you about us and our relationship today. I have some questions, I have some notes, and I have a bit of hope. Since it could be conversation that is emotionally delicate and one if not both us is likely to cry, I think we should sit down together at either my house or yours. Either is fine by me. Please let me know your thoughts..... I'm hesitant to reply to her, but I feel it would be respectful to at least let her know that I need time and space right now. This is difficult because replying to her in this fashion will state that I'm open to having a discussion with her, but at a later date. My logical brain says this is a train-wreck, and to stay away - but my heart has a hard time forgetting the good things about her and missing her anyway. Do I reply and at least let her know that I need space? This is the reply I'm considering sending: I don't want you to think that I'm ignoring you, but I need a little time and space right now. Whether or not you understand it - I only ask you to respect it. I'm not opposed to talking, but my head is still whirling, and when we do speak, I want it to be calm and constructive. I'm so weary of the screaming and the hurt that is so often our method of communication when it comes to our relationship..it brings out the "terrible" in us both, and our relationship should be about how we make each other better, not bitter, people. Please don't torture yourself. Please take a deep breath and let it go for a little while. Focus on you, on your son, on your school work, on using your powers for good. These are WONDEROUS things, they all deserve your attention, and it will keep your mind from wandering into the darkness. Objective advice would be wonderful - I feel so torn right now and I know I'm not seeing things clearly. Thanks again everyone ...
2sunny Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 the only reason she would want to meet again is to get her way... to have you back so she can $hit on you again... is that what you want? you will only get more of the same as what she previously delivered. face reality... she's an addict dressed up as a beautiful woman... things will never make sense - you want the woman she COULD be - not the reality of what she is. the ride in the car - THAT is the reality - sick, throwing up, denying that she is the problem or has any issues... is that what you want in a woman? that is what she is capable of asking you to accepting back - if you have this conversation at all. why would that be attractive?
Author murphomatic Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 the only reason she would want to meet again is to get her way... to have you back so she can $hit on you again... is that what you want? you will only get more of the same as what she previously delivered. face reality... she's an addict dressed up as a beautiful woman... things will never make sense - you want the woman she COULD be - not the reality of what she is. the ride in the car - THAT is the reality - sick, throwing up, denying that she is the problem or has any issues... is that what you want in a woman? that is what she is capable of asking you to accepting back - if you have this conversation at all. why would that be attractive?Thank you for the levity, 2sunny. I know you're right..
Phateless Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Realistically, she probably wants you to take her back so that she can end it on her terms shortly thereafter. This nut-job is all about CONTROL. She wants to end it on her terms so that she's the one in control. Don't give her the satisfaction. Stay 100% NC.
Author murphomatic Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 I suspect that your sentiments are accurate Phateless. The thing I can't figure out, and it's just killing me, is that it was my decision to put an end to our relationship... Why do I hurt so unbelievably bad? I find myself obsessing over it... subject to randomly breaking down into tears.. A song comes on the radio and I just lose it. I wish so much that I could flip a switch and just move on... but I'm so sad about it.. likely sad mostly because of what 2sunny said - I was in love with what she COULD'VE been. I think of her, how this hurts her, how this is going to hurt her son when he discovers I'm gone, the good things that we had together, the potential that was there for greatness, and I just fold.. :tears:
Phateless Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I suspect that your sentiments are accurate Phateless. The thing I can't figure out, and it's just killing me, is that it was my decision to put an end to our relationship... Why do I hurt so unbelievably bad? I find myself obsessing over it... subject to randomly breaking down into tears.. A song comes on the radio and I just lose it. I wish so much that I could flip a switch and just move on... but I'm so sad about it.. likely sad mostly because of what 2sunny said - I was in love with what she COULD'VE been. I think of her, how this hurts her, how this is going to hurt her son when he discovers I'm gone, the good things that we had together, the potential that was there for greatness, and I just fold.. :tears: I've been going through that all the time lately too. My girl and I are trying to work it out, but I've been this close to ending it for a month. Even if you're the one who ended it, you still experience LOSS. I keep thinking about how wonderful it was in the beginning, and the thought of ending it makes me realize that I finally did lose it. Admitting to yourself that the relationship has officially failed and those times from the beginning are over and are not coming back is kind of a crushing blow. It's hard to let go of the good times. That's why we stick it out through the bad. Murph - give yourself permission to grieve. Be a complete wreck, be as sad as you want, feel everything and mourn the loss of what you THOUGHT you had found. But also accept that you are moving on to bigger and better things, and you will be much happier in a surprisingly short amount of time. Hang in there bro. My girl and I are on a good streak right now and I still don't feel myself opening back up. I'm giving it a few more days but I'm probably gonna break it off too. All the trauma we went through killed my feelings and I don't think they're coming back. When I went through the breakup of a 5 year relationship a few years ago, one song that kept running through my head was Modest Mouse - The Good Times Are Killing Me.
justforfun Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Apologies in advance for the novel I've written here. Although I promise my writing style is decent and fairly easy to read through. So I've been dating this gal for a few months now... and things started off very, VERY good. She's intelligent and pretty, and can be very sweet and thoughtful towards me. In turn, I'm an affectionate, giving, and kind person and try to always be thoughtful to best of my ability. We all know how the initial infatuation phase of the relationship goes ... everyone shows their best stuff and bites their tongue. Now that we're becoming more comfortable with each other, we're starting to become less reticent about showing our cards and/or our negative personality traits. I'm starting to see exactly how short her fuse is. She is snappish and assumptive (and usually wrong in the latter - as most assumptions tend to be - but it still doesn't stop her for biting my head off if she finds her assumption to be distasteful). I'm sorry but I didn't read any further than this. I don't see any discussion here. She's not for you so why haven't you moved on yet?
justforfun Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Perhaps it's time to start over... Have you dumped her yet?
Phateless Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I'm sorry but I didn't read any further than this. I don't see any discussion here. She's not for you so why haven't you moved on yet? Have you dumped her yet? I know reading the whole thread takes forever but at least skip to the end and read the last couple of posts to catch up. He dumped her a couple of days ago.
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