hopelesslyinlove Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 My boyfriend of a year and I tiff often about once a week or fortnight generally about stupid stuff. Firstly, I don't know if that is normal? I love him dearly and see us long term, and he says the same thing. However, we have two issues, 1. I get teary easy and he says this makes him worry about the long term because he can't stand it and 2. He can get a little bossy with me and ends quite rude in the way he speaks to me, especially after he drinks (which he does quite often with mates) which I think only adds to the tears. Lately he has twice said, well why don't you break up with me. I find this very upsetting that he would even suggest it. I'm not sure what to do. Does he really want me to break up with him? I really want us to stop the tiffs and for him to not be so bossy/slightly controlling, but even after I have mentioned it a few times, nothing has changed. Do you think our tiffs can be worked out? Any tips?
disgracian Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 The expectation for the man or the woman to change is a very dangerous one. Don't think that one day when you get married everything will be wonderful, the fights will stop, the tears will stop and you'll both just settle down and be happy. If you cry a lot and he can't stand it, that's a warning bell. If he gets drunk often and gets obnixious towards you, that's another warning bell. If he's bossy and controlling, he is probably not going to change very much if at all (in fact it may even go the other way). That's just the way he is. Look at you both right now the way you are, all the pros, all the cons, and work out if you are compatible or not. Cheers, D.
giotto Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Don't get in a tiff after he's been drinking... it's not him talking, it's the alcohol... he drinks quite often with his mates... this sounds a bit over the top to me. You mean you are left at home whilst your bf goes out and gets pissed with his friends? Doesn't seem like a good base for a healthy relationship to me...
disgracian Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Alcohol doesn't talk. It removes inhibitions and actually makes people more honest than when they're sober because they don't care about the consequences as much. Cheers, D.
giotto Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Alcohol doesn't talk. It removes inhibitions and actually makes people more honest than when they're sober because they don't care about the consequences as much. Cheers, D. mmm... alcohol alters your state of mind and makes you say things you don't really mean and regret afterwards... belive me... I've been there!
disgracian Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 It certainly makes you say things you regret afterwards, but very rarely are they things that you don't mean on some level. Cheers, D.
giotto Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 It certainly makes you say things you regret afterwards, but very rarely are they things that you don't mean on some level. Cheers, D. maybe somewhere deep down, but if we all were brutally frank, we wouldn't have relationships...
disgracian Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 There's no need to be brutally frank, but we can be completely honest. Cheers, D.
giotto Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 we'll never agree... I think thet when you've been consuming alcohol, you tend to be quite frank... brutally? Sometimes... Most of the time...
Island Girl Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 The expectation for the man or the woman to change is a very dangerous one. Don't think that one day when you get married everything will be wonderful, the fights will stop, the tears will stop and you'll both just settle down and be happy. Absolutely true. A lot of divorce happens because of Fairy Tale thoughts like "once we get married everything will be great" are bought into. It is a more true statement if you take any issues you have now and multiply them each by 10 (meaning increase in severity) and that is what the marriage would be like. If you cry a lot and he can't stand it, that's a warning bell. If he gets drunk often and gets obnixious towards you, that's another warning bell. If he's bossy and controlling, he is probably not going to change very much if at all (in fact it may even go the other way). That's just the way he is. Correct. 100% correct. I would add that if you cry and he refuses to comfort you or care about your feelings at that time then you should have HUGE warning bells going off. Look at you both right now the way you are, all the pros, all the cons, and work out if you are compatible or not. Cheers, D. You got it all down disgracian. OP I hope you are taking this in. Alcohol doesn't talk. It removes inhibitions and actually makes people more honest than when they're sober because they don't care about the consequences as much. Cheers, D. Oh how true this is! All of those things your hiding come sneaking out not so subtly. And if they are harbored resentments or dislikes - WATCH OUT. It certainly makes you say things you regret afterwards, but very rarely are they things that you don't mean on some level. Cheers, D. There was a lot about this very thing after Mel Gibson's famous anti-Semitic rant. Several forensic psychiatrists, neurologists, psychiatrists, etc. weighed in on this subject. As one of them said: ''Generally speaking, we don't say things we don't mean,'' says Dr. Alberto Goldwaser, a forensic psychiatrist and professor of psychiatry at NYU medical school. He says alcohol reduces inhibitions -- the shy girl dancing on the table, the teenager subway surfing. Gibson chose a specific message about Jews -- the arresting deputy was Jewish -- and was unable to censor it, Goldwaser says. ''We don't think thoroughly about what we are saying when we are intoxicated,'' says Goldwaser. ''But that doesn't mean we don't believe what we are saying. At that moment, we really believe it.'' And when we sober up? ''We still mean it the next day,'' he says. ''The next day, we say, 'I never meant to say it.' Not, 'I never meant it.'' maybe somewhere deep down, but if we all were brutally frank, we wouldn't have relationships... I am brutally frank with my husband. He doesn't always like it but he appreciates it. He is frank with me. Never brutal though. He's a big softie when it comes to me and us. And when he is drunk he just gets more loving. He is a sweet drunk. I am too but I think that's because I get everything out of my system as it happens and I don't stuff things down emotionally. There's no need to be brutally frank, but we can be completely honest. Cheers, D. Yeah - the brutally frank part gets me in trouble sometimes. But alcohol doesn't have anything to do with it. As I said I am that way sober so it is just me putting my foot in it again.
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