Sufferin_Succotash Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I guess it's about time I stop trolling and start dealing with my own issues. I have been trying to read into other peoples problems for insight into my own, but that doesn't seem to be helping. My wife of 10 years (together 15) left about a month ago. This wasn't a shock as we had been talking about it for several months. She left because she had been dealing with major depression and it was beginning to bring me down too. It was so deep that she could barely get off the couch. As I understand it, her depression comes from a feeling of worthlessness and that really isn't any point to her existence. Unfulfillment in her job... generally no real purpose. Our daughter is in high school and soon off to college. I believe it was this realization that started her on her downward spiral. Anyway, about a year ago, she asked for time to work through her issues (mostly childhood). So i gave it to her, trying to be supportive but "not in the way". Basically shouldering the entire load of our family while my wife tries to piece herself back together. As the year progressed, she became less and less affectionate and more depressed. So I asked her about the state of our relationship. She said that when she looked at me that something was missing. Couldn't say what, but something wasn't there. I will admit that in the past I wasn't the best communicator and that I had gained some weight. That, however, was years ago. I had gone to a counselor to deal with some of my own issues and joined a gym. I believe she still holds this against me. Anyway, her depression kept getting worse. The counselor she is seeing thought that if she really wanted to "fast track" this then she need to move out and be on her own. I thought it was crazy but by this point what we had been doing wasn't working. When she left, I told her to go find her happiness, but that it didn't necessarily mean that the door was waiting open. So now that she has left I have these damn little demons dancing around in my head saying that she is B.S.ing you. She is testing the other side of the fence to see what it is like and if she doesn't like it then she can just come running back. I keep wondering WTF. I have been there for her, supported her, basically been her rock and she can simply walk away from it. All her friends have told her and they wish their husbands were have has supportive and good as I am. Again WTF! I guess I am wondering if these crazy thoughts are normal? Our separation wasn't out of the blue, but still "feels" like it is heading towards a divorce. A few weeks after she moved out, she wanted to get together to talk over a couple of things (I forgot to mention we are going NC for the first month). That conversation went really well. She talked about how she was sorry for not being there for me, being a bad wife and that she was working on bettering herself so that we can have a better life together. I am being way to overdramatic about all of this? I am looking for trouble where there really isn't any? Whatever it is I cannot ignore my head and gut screaming at me. It keeps telling me something aint right. Maybe I am paranoid, just scared of loosing her and I am trying to protect myself. Any and all insight would be greatly appreciated. I am looking for open and honest dialog something I can't really get from friends and family. Their opinions and support (although based in love) are colored by their relationship with me. I am sure I have left holes in my description so feel free to ask. Thanks
MrMayI Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 you and i are in the same situation, for the separative part at least. i am really hoping for the best in my situation, and will do the same for you. one thing i am learning is that my paranoia is being caused by my habit of jealousy. i am very trusting of my wife, and yet i still am beating myself half to death because a separation is a very, very serious issue to me. trust her until it's time not to trust her. that's how i'm going to go about it anyway. catch me in a month. my wife's move became final today.
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Well I can say (being a month into it) it is "Mind Bottling"!!!! I just want to move in a direction... any direction. I am trying to move forward but this stuck in limbo ***** serious hampers that. -- or maybe I am allowing it to -- hmmm And those damn little demons keep doing their stupid little dance in my head. Someone just needs to shoot the DJ so they'll stop. LOL All i can say is that I am very thankful for all the mind-numbing manual labor I have to do at my house right now. Maybe you should rip up your backyard and start over too. Not the cheapest therapy in the world... but it does have its benefits.
hopesndreams Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Is your wife on any medication for the depression? Has there been any infidelities in the 15 years you have been together? Do you suspect your wife of cheating?
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 She was on anti-depressant the year prior to the "i need a year", but then got off. She was basically a zombie she said she felt nothing about anything. I believe the doctor handled it wrong. No follow-ups to ensure she was taking the right amount. So, because of that, she is nervous about taking them again. There has been no cheating on either part and I do not suspect there is any now. Of course I could be naive but I honestly believe she is not, and I most certainly have not.
hopesndreams Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 So now that she has left I have these damn little demons dancing around in my head saying that she is B.S.ing you. She is testing the other side of the fence to see what it is like and if she doesn't like it then she can just come running back. Those little demons could be right. She needs to find happiness within herself, but because of her depression she could be looking for it elsewhere. The more time apart you both are the chances of saving the marriage are slim. She talked about how she was sorry for not being there for me, being a bad wife and that she was working on bettering herself so that we can have a better life together. This could be her way of stalling for time and keeping you on the back burner in case she doesn't find her "happiness".
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 I appreciate your honest. If you are right... then she certainly wasn't the person I married. So, with all due respect (and I mean with all due respect) I hope you are wrong. I did tell her on several occassions that just because she wants to come back doesn't mean that I will let her. I tried to be very stern and clear about this. I felt ignored, unappreciated, and unloved. I even gave her back my ring. Basically I implied that she would have to propose to me.
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 We are meeting this weekend to workout the final details of the separation... duration, finances, MC, NC/LC, goals, etc. I am not quite sure how to handle all of this. Looking for advice whenever/whereever I can get it. I am trying very hard not to get my hopes up, but this seems like a battle I am loosing. I want her to come back, but I DO NOT want it to be the way it was. I have mentioned MC in the past and she was open to the idea. I would like to get everyones thoughts on MC. Good, Bad, Indifferent? Thanks All.
tojaz Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Your in a tough spot, neither one of you knows what shes looking for (living it bud) MC if she's willing is a very good idea, some things can only be worked out with profesional help. It sounds like you both want to try. Thats the hardest part. TOJAZ
Athena Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I have mentioned MC in the past and she was open to the idea. I would like to get everyones thoughts on MC. Good, Bad, Indifferent? Thanks All. Sure, why not try marriage counseling? Just be sure you like the counselor... both of you... there's some that aren't that good... you have to like and trust them.
giotto Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 maybe it's too late for MC, like it was for me... I'm living in limbo as well, still together but emotionally separated... I don't think we would be together without the kids. It's a hard thing to accept, especially when my wife told me! I would not give up, yet, though. Your wife is depressed and she might get out of the tunnel. Depression is a horrible beast. If she can beat it, you might still have a future together...
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Thank you all. I am going to bring up MC this weekend and see where that takes us. I "think" she knows what she wants. She wrote me a letter saying as much, but I don't know if she thinks that is possible. Looking through the dark tinted glasses of depression can make anything seem impossible. In the mean time, I am trying to better myself. I lost another 5 lbs over the past 3 weeks, so now I am only 8 lbs away from my target!! WOO Hooo!!! I got a 3 and a half pack!!! LOL LOL LOL One other thing I am trying to determine what to do about is an upcoming vacation we were supposed to take together. We had been planning this for quite some time. We havn't talked about it, but I am curious whether or not she still wants to go. I believe she does. But I can honestly say that I don't want her to come as "friends". Guess I'll broach this subject when we get together too. Again, thanks for everyones insight.
LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Thank you all. I am going to bring up MC this weekend and see where that takes us. I "think" she knows what she wants. She wrote me a letter saying as much, but I don't know if she thinks that is possible. Looking through the dark tinted glasses of depression can make anything seem impossible. In the mean time, I am trying to better myself. I lost another 5 lbs over the past 3 weeks, so now I am only 8 lbs away from my target!! WOO Hooo!!! I got a 3 and a half pack!!! LOL LOL LOL One other thing I am trying to determine what to do about is an upcoming vacation we were supposed to take together. We had been planning this for quite some time. We havn't talked about it, but I am curious whether or not she still wants to go. I believe she does. But I can honestly say that I don't want her to come as "friends". Guess I'll broach this subject when we get together too. Again, thanks for everyones insight. Congrats on the weight loss! (Feels good, I know, I lost 83lbs last year and a half and every pound counts)! I think if she would like to go it will do you both the world of good to spend some RELAXING time together. Don't talk about the relationship though, just use it to enjoy each others company and have some fun and romance in your life together. Go out, walk by the sea, in the park, go to dinner, dance, walk on the beach in the moonlight. Talk to each other about silly things, I know it will be hard, espically as your wife is suffering with depression, but sometimes nature in itself can do wonders to lift the fog of this.
hopesndreams Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 maybe it's too late for MC, like it was for me... I'm living in limbo as well, still together but emotionally separated... I don't think we would be together without the kids. It's a hard thing to accept, especially when my wife told me! I would not give up, yet, though. Your wife is depressed and she might get out of the tunnel. Depression is a horrible beast. If she can beat it, you might still have a future together... She needs to get on some medication. Even though she has had a horrible experience in the past with meds, without them, as in finding the right dose,etc, she is fighting a losing battle. The beast wins.
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Well it has been a little while since I last updated my thread, so I thought now is as good a time as any. She moved into her new place on the 1st. Surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had already made plans with my friends, so I wasn't around when she came to get some stuff. Surprisingly, she left the majority of her items/clothes at the house. I mean like 90-95%. I don't really know what to make of that. Anyway, we have been continuing the agreed upon NC. Of course every couple of days she sends me messages about things I either already know or pointless items. Again, don't know what to make of that either. I only slipped up once and reached out to her when I heard she was sick. But I ended that conversation before it got out of control. As far as I stick with the NC, I do pretty well. I think about her, but not all the time. I am working on myself... only 5 pounds from my goal weight. Maybe it's time for a new goal!!! Maybe I'll upgrade from the "3 and a half pack" to a full 6-pack . My IC has made several comments to me that he doesn't think I need to come back anymore. I think that is extremely positive. I mean seriously... you're kicking me out! Apparently my money aint any good there anymore! HA! We are supposed to get together this weekend and discuss the next phase. Basically, the way I understand it, it will be increased contact both verbal and physical with returning to normal contact when we go on a vacation together. Thorugh all of this, I have come to a couple of conclusions. I do love her. I am sure of that. I do miss her. But more importantly, I am fully willing and able to completely walk away from her and never look back if I don't like what I see. I am OK by myself. I don't freak out. I do get lonely, but that is easily fixable with a quick phone call. Of course, I could be lying to myself since this is actually a divorce, but I really don't think so. At least with a divorce, I will have closure in this chapter of my life. Finally, regarding her depression, I mentioned medication to her and that her previous DR totally screwed it up and that it may be something she needs to look back into. I didn't demand or make any ultimadums. Just someting for her to think about. My thought being that this is her life and her body, if she takes the meds it needs to be because SHE wants to and NOT because I forced her... cause in reality i CAN'T force her to do anything. Thanks for your time.
LisaUk Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Well it has been a little while since I last updated my thread, so I thought now is as good a time as any. She moved into her new place on the 1st. Surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had already made plans with my friends, so I wasn't around when she came to get some stuff. Surprisingly, she left the majority of her items/clothes at the house. I mean like 90-95%. I don't really know what to make of that. Anyway, we have been continuing the agreed upon NC. Of course every couple of days she sends me messages about things I either already know or pointless items. Again, don't know what to make of that either. I only slipped up once and reached out to her when I heard she was sick. But I ended that conversation before it got out of control. As far as I stick with the NC, I do pretty well. I think about her, but not all the time. I am working on myself... only 5 pounds from my goal weight. Maybe it's time for a new goal!!! Maybe I'll upgrade from the "3 and a half pack" to a full 6-pack . My IC has made several comments to me that he doesn't think I need to come back anymore. I think that is extremely positive. I mean seriously... you're kicking me out! Apparently my money aint any good there anymore! HA! We are supposed to get together this weekend and discuss the next phase. Basically, the way I understand it, it will be increased contact both verbal and physical with returning to normal contact when we go on a vacation together. Thorugh all of this, I have come to a couple of conclusions. I do love her. I am sure of that. I do miss her. But more importantly, I am fully willing and able to completely walk away from her and never look back if I don't like what I see. I am OK by myself. I don't freak out. I do get lonely, but that is easily fixable with a quick phone call. Of course, I could be lying to myself since this is actually a divorce, but I really don't think so. At least with a divorce, I will have closure in this chapter of my life. Finally, regarding her depression, I mentioned medication to her and that her previous DR totally screwed it up and that it may be something she needs to look back into. I didn't demand or make any ultimadums. Just someting for her to think about. My thought being that this is her life and her body, if she takes the meds it needs to be because SHE wants to and NOT because I forced her... cause in reality i CAN'T force her to do anything. Thanks for your time. Hi Suffrin, sounds like you are right where you need tobe if she decides she wants to work this out. I will cross my fingers for you!
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Thank you Lisa. Sometimes I want to through my hands up and say bollocks to all this, but I have come to far to give up now. I have a plan of attack and faith... so... we'll see.
hopesndreams Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Nice to hear you'll both be going on vacation together, that could help in many ways. I do hope she gets on some medication though, she does really need it. It's the only way a chemical imbalance in the brain can be helped. You really have your act together, very admirable. I like the way you think.
Jonesey Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Wow, it sounds like you really have a good perspective on this situation. Keep encouraging her to get help. My STBX was on me for years to get help and when I did it always failed because I never found the right Dr. It took us divorcing for me to take it seriously and I finally found a doc that helped me.... Good luck buddy, you'll be in my prayers for a good end to your situation! J
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 So my daughter came over last night and proceeded to vent about the total and complete meltdown that is occurring that their new place. I felt so bad for her. Sounds like she is basically taking care of her mom. Although I hear very little about what goes on over there (thank goodness for NC), the stuff I hear really makes me think the meds are the only way to go. But, like I said before, that is not MY decision to make. No real point to this other then me getting this off my mind. I am wondering if this will come up during my next "scheduled visitation" with the wife. I know I won't be bring it up.
hopesndreams Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 If something were physically wrong with her and she needed surgery otherwise she wouldn't live, you would do everything you could to make her get that surgery, yes? If she were to say, "I need this double lung transplant, but I don't want it, it will hurt too much and there is no guarantee it would save me..." What would you do or say? Unless she gets her mental condition seen to and treated, you would always have the "what if" hanging over your head.
LisaUk Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 How old is your daughter? Can see seek medical intervention here, your wife does sound like she needs medicating. H&D is right, if she has clinical depression there is no way round this. I don't understand why she had problems with the meds in the first place? What was she perscribed, was it an SSRI? These need a good few months to begin to work, how long was she taking them?
Owl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Have you tried to determine if there is someone else in the equation? Your story sounds a LOT like others I've seen over the years here, and I have to say that you RARELY see a woman leave a marriage like this if there's NOT someone else waiting in the wings for her. I'd suggest at this point that you consider either doing some serious snooping to find out what's really going on, or you consider going FULL BLOWN NC and complete seperation...let her survive totally and completely without you meeting ANY of her emotional needs.
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Yes, she was on an SSRI for about a year and a half. The problem was that her doctor never did any follow ups to make sure she wasn't taking too much or too little. Just basically... "Hmm... you look like a .XXmg. Here's a scrip. Good Luck". The meds turned her into a zombie ... felt NOTHING! Anyway, when she came off the SSRI, she followed the documented plan to ween herself off them, but there were all sorts of other issues which she attributed to the drugs. Initially, she was dead set against going back on. But I am trying (whenever the opportunity presents itself) to open it back up as an option. But I believe you guys are right in that this is looking more and more like clinical depression and will need meds to win this war AND a doc that will monitor and evaluate the situation to ensure proper dosage. Mean while. I am continuing to sail into my own future.
Author Sufferin_Succotash Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Have you tried to determine if there is someone else in the equation? Your story sounds a LOT like others I've seen over the years here, and I have to say that you RARELY see a woman leave a marriage like this if there's NOT someone else waiting in the wings for her. I'd suggest at this point that you consider either doing some serious snooping to find out what's really going on, or you consider going FULL BLOWN NC and complete seperation...let her survive totally and completely without you meeting ANY of her emotional needs. I am about 90% positive there isn't anyone else. Of course I can't be 100% certain, but I have been cheated on in the past (not by her) and I know the feeling. If she is... sobeit. I walk. I will NOT tolerate any OM. PERIOD. Also, right now... I am not meeting her emotional needs at all. Our contact is more or less kid related. I did reach out to her ONCE when she was sick. Other then that, I have remain vigilent and strong.
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