tigressA Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Time and time again I hear people saying, "You shouldn't have to change yourself in order to make someone love you" or "You shouldn't need your partner to change if you really love them." But, what is 'changing' and what isn't? Example: Your partner has a crude sense of humor and pretty often says things that offend you. You talk to them about it, tell them things they say are offensive to you, ask them to stop. But then they make the excuse that "it's just who they are." Is it? Is asking your partner to stop doing something like that asking them to change who they are? Or is it merely asking them to consider your feelings? Where's the line between change and acceptance? Can you dislike/hate something about your partner and still love them?
JamesM Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 If that person says the crude and offensive things to you and you two are alone, then it is more about a lack of respect for you than simply "I cannot change." If it is in your presence but to other people and THEY find it funny, then he/she is being rewarded...so it is still not about "I cannot change" but "I don't want to change." Usually changing for someone is not a problem IF it is a change that is done willingly. For example, if I enjoy sports but feel that I have to give up watching sports for my new partner, then this is not a good change. However, if I decide that respecting and doing things with my partner are more important than watching sports, then I willingly gave up sports. Change is good and we all do it frequently. However, we do it because we want to change most of the time. When we do it because we feel forced to change, then it is likely that we will resent this change in the future. Again in your case, if the crude language is continuing despite what he/she knows is your wish, then you have a choice: Can I live with this person as is, or is this one of those things that is a deal breaker? And this person needs to decide what is more important ...you or this habit that allegedly cannot be changed.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Example: Your partner has a crude sense of humor and pretty often says things that offend you. You talk to them about it, tell them things they say are offensive to you, ask them to stop. But then they make the excuse that "it's just who they are." Is it? If a person determines that the expression of crude jokes is essential to being himself, and refuses to temper the behavior to spare your discomfort and respect your feelings, that's up to him. It's also up to you to decide whether you want to accept that. I wouldn't, because to me it shows a lack of consideration and respect, as well as an inability to adapt. Anyone with a brain and any kind of wit whatsoever can find numerous avenues for expressing humor. My ex had a very juvenile and crude sense of humor. It didn't offend me -- I just found it cheap and lazy, and it turned me off for that reason. Anyone can make tasteless, crass jokes that zing you with their shock value. It's one of the simplest and most obvious forms of humor. But it takes someone with brains to make witty jokes that are universally funny. I explained why I was not amused by his jokes, and he (a life-long "funny guy") began to mix it up with many different kinds of jokes. He never let go of the crude jokes entirely, but that was OK with me -- as long as he didn't get bent out of shape when I responded to those dumb jokes with all the flatness they made me feel.
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