Owl Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'd suggest that you start your own thread, TX_lawyer, so that we can discuss your views and issues there, and focus on the OP's here.
jnj express Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 to those who jumped me about kids in split homes not being better off, than in a single home where there is misery and unhappiness all around them, YOU ARE RIGHT SPLIT HOMES WOULD BE BETTER----when i answered OP she had not let on she was having a revenge A., and I was trying to push her back into doing the right thing for her mge., and to try to keep it going. Now circumstances are different both have cheated on each other, neither knows about the others cheating, who knows where or how this will all end.
Author everythingtolose Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 The reason people cheat is not at all complicated. They feel entitled to do so. Wow Reggie, I'd never considered that possibility but it makes sense. For me, having something that makes sense these days is a start. It's possible that I'm in this situation now because, along the way, I've assumed I inherited the right to find someone new after finding out he cheated. Certain of my friends have commented about how remorseless I seem on occasion. For once (although I wouldn't dare tell them what he did) I believe I could explain why. Not sure where that leaves me now...Maybe there is nothing left for my marriage. Maybe it's been that way for a long time. Maybe this "guy" is just a convenient escape or something... I really want a vacation. By the way what is OP? Offending Party?
Author everythingtolose Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 TroyNJ, Your commentary was astonishingly coherent. ) Thank you for not judging me as harshly as I judge myself...I'm certain we both agree that my karmic retribution will be legendary when it comes around, and it will come around. I do appreciate that you are trying to help.
Owl Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 OP=original poster...the person who started the thread. Here's something you really, really should consider. Right now, there is no way that you can sit there and look at your marriage in ANY kind of positive light. You're looking at it through "affair colored glasses". It's called "revising marital history"...it's something that pretty much all WS's (wayward spouses) do when they're in the midst of the affair. It's not even something you're INTENTIONALLY doing...it's a mental 'rationalization" program that lets you self-justify your actions. My wife was completely convinced our marriage was totally non-recoverable during her affair as well. Her affair ended over five years ago, and we've done a GREAT job at recovering our marriage. You just truly don't know if it can be done or not until you try.
tweldy Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'm a stay at home mom, married for nearly 25 years. I recently started "seeing" an acquaintance this last month. Since then my life has been turned upside-down. Although he doesn't know for sure, my husband is definitely on to me. My behavior, despite my best efforts has changed so drastically. All I can think about is what life might be like if I ran away with my "man-on-the-side" and it's showing in everything I say and do. I'm tired of this topsy-turvy ride and I wish things were back to the way they were before this all began. Every time I try to let things cool off between me and this mystery-man, I fail and wind up back in his arms and deeper in love with him. How can I get over him and save myself and my family before I wreck everything? If you ran away it would be great, at first. Then you'd start to become more familiar with your lover's less than perfect traits. Then you'd start seeing a lot of things that you don't like. The sex will get much worse. Finally, you'd wind up breaking up with him, because the relationship is fantasy in your own head, not a relationship based on reality. This is the nature of an affair. There is a maybe one in a thousand chance that it might somehow work out with this fellow, but the odds are profoundly against you. Also, even if you are not concerned with your current husband never looking at you the same again, its much worse when the children never look at you the same again. That one is the tough one to take.
tx_lawyer Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Everythingtolose, Being curious about why cheaters cheat, I read your journal. You certainly don't come across as someone who wants to save her marriage.
tx_lawyer Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Still together. I'm clean and healthy. Thanks for asking.
tx_lawyer Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Yes because I believe that he was sorry and that he believed he wouldn't do it again. That being said, I don't believe that he intended to get into the mess in the first place. That is why I am so curious to find out more about Everythingtolose. On the one hand, she seems to want to save her marriage, but on the other, she can't let go of this other man. Why? If she leaves this man, will there be another? What circumstances make a person cheat? Is she happy? Does she feel like her life is out of control? There is always that little doubt that if she (or whoever) does it once, they could do it again. Is it like a drug addiction in that they have to fight off those tendencies forever?
SoulStorm Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 You know the good thing about living in free America? It's that I don't have to look at how someone glorifies cheating on a good person on a blog or journal. Everythingtolose..I have a lot of things to say to you, but their not good, so I will keep my font shut:mad:
tx_lawyer Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 SoulStorm - isn't that the whole point? All cheaters glorify the cheating relationship they're in. It's not real. They don't have to see the ordinary side of life with that person - the taking out the garbage, cooking dinner, blah, blah, blah. They only share the fun and glorious side of life with that person. That seems to be the whole point. They are in a state of euphoria with the other person - a state they may not have had for a long time with their current partner. How come some of us can accept and appreciate reality while others like Everythingtolose (and her cheating spouse) gets caught up in the euphoria of meaningless relationships that have the potential to destroy everything normal and perhaps, a little boring at times?
tx_lawyer Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I personally found her journal enlightening - a little sick, yes - but nonetheless enlightening. I actually fee sorry for her. How can anyone in a relationship like that really be happy?
SoulStorm Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 SoulStorm - isn't that the whole point? All cheaters glorify the cheating relationship they're in. It's not real. They don't have to see the ordinary side of life with that person - the taking out the garbage, cooking dinner, blah, blah, blah. They only share the fun and glorious side of life with that person. That seems to be the whole point. They are in a state of euphoria with the other person - a state they may not have had for a long time with their current partner. How come some of us can accept and appreciate reality while others like Everythingtolose (and her cheating spouse) gets caught up in the euphoria of meaningless relationships that have the potential to destroy everything normal and perhaps, a little boring at times? Quite true tx_lawyer. But all fantasies end when reality comes crashing in. Reality will always be there,no work needed for reality, you have to work hard to keep a fantasy alive. Eventually they die. Chasing a fantasy leads to nowhere. You are right..affairs are just quick meetings and not real life. They don't have to smell each others morning breath everyday or deal with kids together or bills. Her screen name says it all..everythingtolose..and it seems without a care..at least for now.
SoulStorm Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I personally found her journal enlightening - a little sick, yes - but nonetheless enlightening. I actually fee sorry for her. How can anyone in a relationship like that really be happy? Yeah..enlightening like that series on Showtime Diary of a call Girl. I guess doing the forbidden is invigorating..not so invigorating having to face the probable consequences, should they occur
tx_lawyer Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Agreed - so then why do they take the chance in the first place and continue the destructive behavior when they know what are the probable consequences?
SoulStorm Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Agreed - so then why do they take the chance in the first place and continue the destructive behavior when they know what are the probable consequences? It's the "newness" of it all. Like taking drugs to someone who is not a drug addict at first. Curosity, the endorphines released in the brain, gives them a rush and they like the feeling. just like the new drug user, knows this could be dangerous if they try, but they do it thinking they can control it. In the end it winds up controlling them. Introducing something to the system that the body can't normally produce. So they keep going back to get the drug. The body thinks it is a part of it's chemical make up and creates a desire for it in the brain. Cheating is somewhat the same. The rush is what drives you. You associate the other person with that rush. Feeling you"need" that person. Consequences don't matter at that point,like the drug user, they know the consequence could be jail or death, but push it aside for the feel of the rush. the cheater is willing to gamble on getting caught, just to get that rush. At least that what I think.
SoulStorm Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 That's the soundest explanation I have heard. Thanks. I appreciate that
Author everythingtolose Posted June 27, 2009 Author Posted June 27, 2009 Everyone please don't read too much into what I said on my journal. That is part of my therapy (writing about it) and for better or worse I'm telling it how it is. What you see there is only the tip of the iceberg so to speak and probably not adequate to help anyone make a fair judgment on my character. So if you do have a look, read it with caution and understand it's not always so much how I feel about things now, but often a reflection of how I felt in the past. It's just not the right time for me to be apologetic... If I did apologize at this point, I wouldn't mean it...
tami-chan Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Quite true tx_lawyer. But all fantasies end when reality comes crashing in. Reality will always be there,no work needed for reality, you have to work hard to keep a fantasy alive. Eventually they die. Chasing a fantasy leads to nowhere. You are right..affairs are just quick meetings and not real life. They don't have to smell each others morning breath everyday or deal with kids together or bills. Her screen name says it all..everythingtolose..and it seems without a care..at least for now. Interesting. I think people have to work hard on any relationship they believe is real. You also have to work hard to keep a marriage going, that's also reality. But when someone cheats in a marriage, the spouse feels that THAT reality ( the marriage) was, after all the hard work, a sham. Maybe it is not about fantasies and realities in long stretches of time. Maybe it is about the reality of the moment. The danger is when an AP starts to believe in a life/future that is based entirely on stolen moments. Or a spouse who ignores the boredom or dissatisfaction in a marriage- ("oh s/he'll get over it, it's temporary")in the "belief" that the marriage won't end because of there were vows exchanged- in some ways, being stubborn in acknowledging "reality" is a fantasy in itself- people change and half of the time their feelings change too.
SoulStorm Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Interesting. I think people have to work hard on any relationship they believe is real. You also have to work hard to keep a marriage going, that's also reality. But when someone cheats in a marriage, the spouse feels that THAT reality ( the marriage) was, after all the hard work, a sham. Maybe it is not about fantasies and realities in long stretches of time. Maybe it is about the reality of the moment. The danger is when an AP starts to believe in a life/future that is based entirely on stolen moments. Or a spouse who ignores the boredom or dissatisfaction in a marriage- ("oh s/he'll get over it, it's temporary")in the "belief" that the marriage won't end because of there were vows exchanged- in some ways, being stubborn in acknowledging "reality" is a fantasy in itself- people change and half of the time their feelings change too. Are you practicing for a debate team?
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