everythingtolose Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I'm a stay at home mom, married for nearly 25 years. I recently started "seeing" an acquaintance this last month. Since then my life has been turned upside-down. Although he doesn't know for sure, my husband is definitely on to me. My behavior, despite my best efforts has changed so drastically. All I can think about is what life might be like if I ran away with my "man-on-the-side" and it's showing in everything I say and do. I'm tired of this topsy-turvy ride and I wish things were back to the way they were before this all began. Every time I try to let things cool off between me and this mystery-man, I fail and wind up back in his arms and deeper in love with him. How can I get over him and save myself and my family before I wreck everything?
Owl Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 NO CONTACT. Cut this man out of your life completely, totally, and forever. Take active measures to PREVENT contact between the two of you. PERIOD. If you can't do that...confess the affair to your husband, and enlist his help in putting an end to this.
Bryanp Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 How would you feel if your husband was doing to you behind your back what you are doing to him? Does he deserve this? You realize of course that your are putting your husband's health at risk for STD's? What are you going to do when your husband eventually finds out?
hopesndreams Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Tell your husband and let him decide what you should do. He might even pack your bags for ya so you can go be with your mystery man full-time or he could want to "save" the marriage and "work" on things. He deserves to know.
Reggie Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I think you may have already "crossed the Rubicon" in terms of your marriage surviving. Sounds like you want to be with this other guy(your actions say this) and, your husband may not want you back. So much of the chance for staying in the marriage is based on the betrayed's view on this infidelity bit. Most guys want out, after initially panicking and trying to stay in. There are a variety of stats on the survival rate, but the most common stat I see is about a 30% chance(and that does not include info on how many of the 30% are actually decent, happy relationships, thereafter). I feel the best thing to do is to tell your spouse so he can decide what course of action to pursue(assuming he has an option, which is not clear). As someone pointed out, if you are still sexually active with your H and have been sexually active with your affair partner, you are putting your H's health at risk. That alone is reason to tell him, so he can be tested and take precautions. But, the main reason is so your H can decide if he wants to stay with you or look for someone more compatible(or remain alone, which is often nice after dealing with the weird behaviors demonstrated by a Ws to which you allude).
Reggie Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Here's another way to look at it. It's very simplistic, but it is something I often think about when ruminating over waht happened in both my marriages, where my wives had affairs: Ostensibly, you are deriving a fair amount of pleasure from your affair. You get your physical needs met, have the excitement of a new romance, and all types of emotional needs met(for now, anyway). You are lining up your future to include these things. Meanwhile, your H, who, if he chose to explore this type of activity himself, is , in reliance on your vows and your current misrepresentation as to your allegiance to those vows, foregoing similar opportunities. From the standpoint of fundamental fairness, do you believe you are justified in depriving him of access to a life as full as your own? I won't deny, the cheating and gaslighting was very traumatic for me. But, I have been through things that are pretty bad, before. But, what eats at me is my XWWs' having robbed me of a portion of my life, and my having foregone opportunities in reliance on their lies. I look at it this way. We are all of equal value and all of us deserve fulfilling lives. In effect, what my wives were saying to me, by their actions ,is that they considered themselves more important than me, that they were more deserving of happiness than me. It is this elevation of themselves and devaluation of me that causes me the most resentment toward them. If either of them had come to me and told me that they were unhappy, or they had interest in pursuing an upgrade, before embarking on these affairs, I would not have insisted they stay in the marriage. I don't think many people want to feel they are forcing another person to reamin tied to them. It's unfair. You will hit the ground running, with a relationship in place which your H, by his contributions toward your support, will have subsidized. This will piss him off as much , if not more, than the affair and the attendant weird behavior that he had directed at him, I think. Best to tell him early, so he can direct his life.
HsMomma Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I agree with the other posters here - first, NO CONTACT with this other man. Then, you must tell your husband. This is very selfish and potentially dangerous behavior you're exhibiting. Are you just bored at home? How old are your children now? Is there a job you could get outside the home where your need for "adult interaction" can be met (provided you starting see the OM because of boredom)? Or, was your marriage in trouble before you started the affair? These are all questions that you need to ask yourself, but mainly you need to let your husband KNOW (instead of his just having to "be onto you" that you've engaged in an affair. He has the right to decide whether he wants to continue to be married to you, after having been lied to & cheated on. That's only fair to a man you've been married to for a quarter of a century!
Author everythingtolose Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 I have to say that the idea of coming clean with my husband is not a possibility at this time. Sadly, I just don't have the guts. I'm not prepared for the consequences. To answer some of the questions, I do have children, ranging from elementary school to college. I don't know why. . . but I do know that this was a conscious choice. I did what I did with eyes wide open and would have done it sooner if possible. What am I going to do? I don't know I started seeing a therapist, I journal every few days, I am talking with you guys, I stopped seeing the guy, but never stopped thinking about him. . . so I end up talking with him or seeing him again. Maybe this time, I will stop. . . .
2sunny Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I have to say that the idea of coming clean with my husband is not a possibility at this time. Sadly, I just don't have the guts. I'm not prepared for the consequences. To answer some of the questions, I do have children, ranging from elementary school to college. I don't know why. . . but I do know that this was a conscious choice. I did what I did with eyes wide open and would have done it sooner if possible. What am I going to do? I don't know I started seeing a therapist, I journal every few days, I am talking with you guys, I stopped seeing the guy, but never stopped thinking about him. . . so I end up talking with him or seeing him again. Maybe this time, I will stop. . . . ugh! MAYBE is just not good enough for this situation. if you can't and won't do the decent thing for the boundaries of your marriage by telling your H - then you need to leave the marriage and find out what life is like without your H. think of it like this... what if he was doing this to you? what would that be like for you? it's really not fair that he doesn't have a firm idea what is wrong and no indication of how to repair it... so if you are unwilling to be honest with him - then leave and divorce him - after the divorce is final you are free to do whatever you want to. THAT would be the right order if you insist on continuing with your OM.
ladydesigner Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I would definitely end it. I was in your shoes exactly a year ago and I am still suffering from my affair. I am married have two kids, I had a month long affair with a co-worker friend I had known for years and ended up falling in love with him. In the end he broke my heart and I still have not gotten over him. Spare yourself the heartache and run fast and far from this "mystery-man." Luckily my family and marriage are still in tact, but this may not be the case for you if you continue this affair. I completely understand how hard it is to stop. I compare it to a drug addiction.
jnj express Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 You need to stop and it needs to be RIGHT NOW---NC. What has happened to you, is your mge, and life boring, is everything stale is that WHY you are cheating? How could you do this to your children, you know what split parental homes do to kids, is that what you want. You are a stay home mom, how about working full time maybe even 2 jobs just to make ends meet. that is your future for the rest of your life, if your H. leaves you. You really seem to have no conception of what you are going to do to your H., kids, families, and close friends, by your continuing with this fantasy world you are in. Has your H. done something to cause you to stray, Recognize the guy you are cheating with for the slime he is, for aiding you, even perhaps leading you to cheat on your children and ruin their lives along with your H's life, along with your own life----your carefree enjoyable days are over arn't they, was the sex worth it.
jnj express Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Do yourself a favor, and watch the stories on the governor of S. Car. ---your looking at a defeated, haunted , broken wrecked man---you are looking at a mirror image of yourself
Author everythingtolose Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 For all of you who seem to be so concerned about my H, there is more to the story. Although I don't blame him for what I am doing now, he cheated on me a few years ago. Was he thinking about me and the kids? Probably not any more or any less than I am right now. I am not trying to destroy anything or anybody and I now don't believe that he was. It is like ladydesigner says - it is like a drug addiction.
Owl Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 For all of you who seem to be so concerned about my H, there is more to the story. Although I don't blame him for what I am doing now, he cheated on me a few years ago. Was he thinking about me and the kids? Probably not any more or any less than I am right now. I am not trying to destroy anything or anybody and I now don't believe that he was. It is like ladydesigner says - it is like a drug addiction. OK...think about WHY you posted this. You're trying to blameshift. You say that you don't blame him for what you're doing now...then why are you bringing it up at this point? To rationalize/justify what you're doing. I'd suggest that you likely never recovered from HIS affair. And now you're in one of your own. You know what you likely INSISTED on as a result of his affair (no contact with his affair partner, work on the marriage, etc...)...so you know full well what steps YOU need to take in order to work through this. Or...go file for divorce. It's THAT simple. Not easy. But THAT simple. Two point blank options. Make up your mind and move in the direction you choose.
HsMomma Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 You need to stop and it needs to be RIGHT NOW---NC. What has happened to you, is your mge, and life boring, is everything stale is that WHY you are cheating? How could you do this to your children, you know what split parental homes do to kids, is that what you want. You are a stay home mom, how about working full time maybe even 2 jobs just to make ends meet. that is your future for the rest of your life, if your H. leaves you. You really seem to have no conception of what you are going to do to your H., kids, families, and close friends, by your continuing with this fantasy world you are in. Has your H. done something to cause you to stray, Recognize the guy you are cheating with for the slime he is, for aiding you, even perhaps leading you to cheat on your children and ruin their lives along with your H's life, along with your own life----your carefree enjoyable days are over arn't they, was the sex worth it. And, jnj, what exactly is that? My daughter has grown up with a "split parental home" - my exH & I divorced when she was 4. My daughter is a straight A student, very involved in her church youth group, has an enormous network of friends, loves to dance & act & has been invited to participate on a state level in both, and is one of the kindest smartest teenagers I've ever known. So what exactly did I do to her when I divorced her father? She isn't involved in any sexual activity, doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink or smoke and doesn't surround herself with people who do. I'm trying to figure out why coming from a "split parental home" is such a horrible thing. Do you not agree that a child who has two parents who are individually happy & fulfilled in their lives & can provide for the child is not better off than one who lives in a two-parent family where the parents are miserable?
Author everythingtolose Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Owl, Thanks for that dose of reality. I suppose you're right about my blaming him in one regard. In the past I've hated him so much for what he did. I hated him for a long time. The feelings of hatred and betrayal has been at times almost more than I could carry. It was a long time ago and I felt like I was ready to let it go, perhaps it was more a feeling of re-evaluating what I'm worth to him and to adjust my expectations to what he was really willing to commit to. I'd decided that I was over the hurt he caused me and that my affair hasn't anything to do with his. Now it's time for me to reconsider that I suppose. Two-faced as it seems, when I think about what he did to me I still feel some of the pain I kept hidden for so long. He still has no idea that I know about his affair. Make no mistake, I know for sure he was unfaithful. He was for a long time but I didn't confront him. I don't know why I didn't, but I know I was also afraid to. Is this one of those cases where I'll know exactly what I need to do when the time comes? Will I have an overwhelming compulsion to get rid of the other man or to leave my husband? Then perhaps I won't be able to stop myself from moving one way or another.
Island Girl Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Do you not agree that a child who has two parents who are individually happy & fulfilled in their lives & can provide for the child is not better off than one who lives in a two-parent family where the parents are miserable? Now there are decades and decades of research on children of divorced parents and the studies all show that you are absolutely correct. Divorce is damaging when the children are used against the other, forced to choose, or suffer the other unhealthy consequences. But they are also damaged by staying in an environment where the parental marriage model is one of callous indifference or malice. If two people want to do what is best for the children then they should divorce if they are unhappy together and can not work through it.
Reggie Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I agree with Owl. Your H's affair and the pain it causes has festered for a long time and i would be very surprised if your pain, ange and resentment has not played some role in your decision to have an affair. It is not justification, but, unless it is dealt with(and even then there are residuals), this type of betryal changes the very fabric of a relationship. I think it is time to air this whole mess out. Tell him you are cheating and let him know you are aware of his infidelity, as well. It may be the end of your marriage or it may be the start of recovering it.
PhoenixRise Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 For all of you who seem to be so concerned about my H, there is more to the story. Although I don't blame him for what I am doing now, he cheated on me a few years ago. Was he thinking about me and the kids? Probably not any more or any less than I am right now. I am not trying to destroy anything or anybody and I now don't believe that he was. It is like ladydesigner says - it is like a drug addiction. You know... If you really want to change any situation in your life you have to first start with being honest with yourself. You ARE using your H past affair to justify your current affair. If you H was posting here many people (including me) would tell him that there is no true justification for cheating and that he needs to take control of his actions. You are in control of your actions now. You are chosing to be in an affair. You can stop if you want to. It may not be easy or fun for you to stop but you can do it if you chose to. Step back from the OM with an eye toward evaluating your marriage on its own merits. If the marriage is not worth saving---leave. Don't dither around about it. Just go. If you WANT to save the marriage. Tell your husband then work toward recovering the marriage and let the OM go.
PhoenixRise Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Owl, Thanks for that dose of reality. I suppose you're right about my blaming him in one regard. In the past I've hated him so much for what he did. I hated him for a long time. The feelings of hatred and betrayal has been at times almost more than I could carry. It was a long time ago and I felt like I was ready to let it go, perhaps it was more a feeling of re-evaluating what I'm worth to him and to adjust my expectations to what he was really willing to commit to. I'd decided that I was over the hurt he caused me and that my affair hasn't anything to do with his. Now it's time for me to reconsider that I suppose. Two-faced as it seems, when I think about what he did to me I still feel some of the pain I kept hidden for so long. He still has no idea that I know about his affair. Make no mistake, I know for sure he was unfaithful. He was for a long time but I didn't confront him. I don't know why I didn't, but I know I was also afraid to. Is this one of those cases where I'll know exactly what I need to do when the time comes? Will I have an overwhelming compulsion to get rid of the other man or to leave my husband? Then perhaps I won't be able to stop myself from moving one way or another. Wait.... You never confronted him regarding HIS affair??? Are you sure that your affair with the OM doesn't have more to do with revenge than any true feelings you have for OM?
tx_lawyer Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 As a woman who was cheated on, I am surprised at the advice everythingtolose has been given. It appears as though many of you were cheated on, the same as I. Do you guys really think that your cheating other would just decide that the right thing to do was to tell you? That was certainly not the case with me. Without going into all of the nasty details, my reveal came as quite an emotional surprise and it did not come from my husband. It was the woman he was cheating with who decided to show up on my doorstep and abruptly change everything. What I do know, is that my husband got caught up in this affair and the only way that I can describe it is that he lost his mind. Everythingtolose sounds like she is in that lost state of mind. Reason is not necessarily an option.
TroyNJ Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I'm not going to be a nice as the other posters, I tend to tell it like it is..To the OP, you are a weak minded person without morals. END THE MARRIAGE BEFORE banging another man, WTF is wrong with you? I suppose you like the security your Husband gives you so you don't want to leave but you open your legs for another man? I do hope you realize what that makes you, you can't run from it or hide from it. Don't come here looking for anyone to justify what your doing, it's wrong and no matter what your Husband did he doesn't deserve you being well, you know. DO THE RIGHT THING, either leave your Husband or tell him so he can deside if he wants to kick you to the curb or not, if it we're me I'd never speak to you again and think nothing of it.
tx_lawyer Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 As I read the bitterness in many of these responses, it only makes me think (even though I was the one cheated on), that heck, I'd probably cheat on these people too if I was stuck with one of them. I think you guys are being unreasonably harsh. Don't you want to know what makes a cheater a cheater? I sure do. I don't believe these guys want to be in this life of cheating any more than a drug addict wants to be a drug addict. It seems like once they get caught up in it, life takes a terrible turn. I don't think Everythingtolose came here for sympathy. She is obviously trying to heal and work things out for herself. And for those of you who think it was ok for her husband to cheat and that she is the only one who did wrong, look in the mirror. Maybe your rigid judgemental behaviors prevented your own relationship to heal. I, for one, want to hear more from cheaters. However, the bitterness from this group is likely to prevent that from happening. Why attack? Some of us want to learn. You never know, it may help you understand what happened in your own lives and allow you to release some of the ugliness.
Reggie Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Actually, tx lawyer, your own post is rife with judgement, and quite mean spirtied, implying imperfect people deserve to be cheated on. BSs are always feeling some bitterness. It is absolutely normal in response to what many therapists consider the most severe form of emotional abuse and the attendant trauma.. I think the comparison to drug addiction is badly flawed, in that there is no physical addiction component. And, as a person raised by an addict and married to an alcoholic, I fee that there is a huge volitional component to their "illness". The reason people cheat is not at all complicated. They feel entitled to do so.
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