GrowingUpSucks Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Hey all. This is my first post so go easy on me. I'm just having a really hard time dealing with the end of my current relationship and could really use some outside advice/perspective. I have been in a committed relationship for almost 2 years now with a man I'm completely in love with. We grew up in the same town with the same large circle of friends, but were never actually friends with each other--just traveled in different smaller groups, but always knew of each other. Anyway, we both graduated high school and moved on with our lives: i went to college, traveled, dated around, etc. He ended up falling for his best friends ex and getting married to her in Vegas soon after (a big scandal when you come from a close-knit middle class community!) but due to her infidelity and the overall childishness of the act, they split up about a year later. This is where I come in. Shortly after his breakup with his wife (I say "breakup" because it wasnt really a marriage, moreso a dumb mistake made by a spontaneous couple) we ran into each other and started hanging out. There was an instant spark and after about a weeks worth of hanging out, we slept together and began dating. Things just sort of naturally progressed and we were inseparable ever since, completely in love. The only issue we have ever had has been about my sexual history. We are both in our mid 20s, he has slept with 5 other people and I have slept with 7. However, all of my exes/hookups happen to be people he knows (a result of us traveling in the same crowds). Two of them happen to be good friends of his. Almost all of them had been committed (albeit short) relationships, and one of them had been a drunken mistake on both our parts (my one and only one night stand which we both regret). He absolutely cannot handle this and it has been a source of great misery for both of us for a long time. He knew about most of the past relationships before we got together so I hadn't anticipated it being a problem. However, I was unable to hang out with these people anymore because it made him so jealous and uncomfortable. Even this was not enough to alleviate his unhappiness, though: he himself stopped hanging out with his group of friends because he said it was now too awkward. Things have only gotten worse over time and we took a month long break about 4 months back because he decided he simply couldn't respect me; he became very harsh and said awful things ("I could have married you if you had respected yourself", "you'll never be good enough for me", etc). We ended up getting back together after he swore up and down that our time apart had granted him an epiphany that I was totally worth it and he was overreacting. Which brings us to present day. After months of complete bliss (this has always been our ONLY relationship problem), it suddenly popped up again. A mutual friend of ours died from a long battle of stomach cancer, and his reaction was to break up with me because he was too embarrassed to go to the wake with me in front of everyone we knew. He said he shouldnt have to feel this way around people he's known all his life and that he's too young to feel like he has to settle for someone, even if it's someone he loves very much. I have always been 100% faithful and he's made it clear that he trusts me, yet still sees me as damaged goods. Now, I think I would have a much easier time accepting this if it didn't seem so unfairly judgmental. He has not saved himself for marriage, nor are our numbers so drastically different that he should be feeling morally superior. His reasoning is that all of the people he slept with were people he loved, while some of mine were just hookups. He also uses the fact that I slept with him after a week or so against me--which makes NO sense to me at all, because he was just as much a part of it as I was! He is VERY concerned with his image, and seems to think that the whole town views me as a slut, which couldn't be further from the truth. I know the truth and I know that during the time, many of these choices I made were because I felt real feelings for these people and for one reason or another, it didnt work out. In every single relationship, I was the one to end things because they just didn't progress the way I had hoped. However, he believes that these men just had their fun with me and then dumped me, mainly because one of them was so hurt after our breakup that he frequently badmouthed me. I have explained to my boyfriend that anything his friends told him was the result of their own bitterness, but he refuses to accept this and accuses me of having no respect for myself. Anytime I try to defend my past actions we just end up arguing even more and it ends with him saying truly awful things to me about my character and worth. I told him that I had been able to accept his checkered past of being MARRIED (of all things!) and never gave him a hard time about it, so he should do the same. However, he steadfastly insists that it is different because he was in love with this girl, while I wasn't in love with the men I'd been with. It's insulting enough to have someone else decide for you how you felt about other people, but it's even worse when it's the one person who's supposed to love you and accept you above everyone else. I suppose from all this it sounds like we didn't have a very solid foundation to begin with, but this was a problem that only came up very occasionally and out of the blue. Other than this we were perfect. And after every fight he would apologize and agree that we were worth it, this was something he could get over, we were too good together to end over something like this. SO, after that novel, I guess I'm just wondering what you guys think. Right now I just feel so emotionally drained and I'm afraid I've lost all perspective. I had never thought of myself as a slutty person, and every friend that I have talked to about this is shocked that he would think such a thing and treat me with such disrespect. I am always uncomfortable discussing it with friends because it makes me feel ashamed of myself. Is he right for feeling this way about me? Is it something that he could ever get over or should I accept that this will never end happily? Are one person's mistakes more forgivable than someone elses? And, am I an idiot for still feeling like I would take him back if he called right now? (maybe don't answer that one....) Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 You did not do anything more than most people your age have done. You were not promiscuous (which is all relative anyway). That being said, like it or not - most people do not want to think too hard about their lovers previous partners much less be in contact with them. The whole issue stems from coming from such a small pond. So, I get that you are not wrong but his feelings are valid. What the HUGE problem is : He is ashamed of you. That cannot be accepted. Period. Doesnt matter what the circumstances are. The fact that he knew about these relationships prior to dating you , and they didnt bother him then....but now his feelings for you make him feel like less of a man because in his eyes - you are someone to be ashamed of. You didnt nothing wrong. The small pool can make him naturally uncomfortable - but ashamed?? F NO. F NO. F NO. If you were to take him back...you will eventually be ashamed of yourself. For nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 OP, I'll be man-brief Your BF is emotionally immature. A mature man accepts his partner's past and can look those men in the eye and understand how life and relationships work. The same holds true for a woman. Acceptance is part of maturity. What you do with this information is up to you. Personally, if I were faced with a GF or wife who felt like your BF does, I'd move on. Life is too short for that kind of drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrowingUpSucks Posted June 24, 2009 Author Share Posted June 24, 2009 thank you both for your opinions. I guess deep down I can see that this is a bigger problem than I was previously willing to admit--always assuming he'd get over it, we'd move past it, etc. I think the hardest part is knowing that the love we have for each other isn't enough to overcome this obstacle. It's a tough thing for a romantic like me to accept. I don't think I'd ever be the one to end things; I could never walk away and just stop trying. So maybe it's for the best that he did it. =/ I really appreciate the insight from you guys, and anyone else that feels like weighing in. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Make no mistake- this is his problem, not yours! Anyone that tells you he is embarrassed to take you to a wake because he is ashamed of your relationship isn't worth it! He has no right to try and make you feel so guilty for things you did prior to getting involved. You haven't done anything to feel ashamed of. If anything he should feel ashamed for treating you the way he has. He's lucky you even took him back the first time after he told you that you were not good enough for him- that's rubbish. Link to post Share on other sites
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