LevelHeaded Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I have a good friend that I have fell for. We've been good friends for the past 5 years, becoming closer during that time. We did a lot together -- movies, dinner, running, shopping, traveling, etc. I would say that we were best friends, but my friend is emotionally unavailable, so he only let's you in somewhat. Ever since he started dating this guy, I've been falling into a downward spiral. We're still friends, and we still do stuff together, just not as much as we used to. Now, they are doing the things that he and I used to do together. He seems happy and wants to continue to be friends. However, I'm finding it more and more difficult seeing him without feeling more depressed afterwards. It's as if I get a high when I'm with him. FYI, he knows my feelings for him. He doesn't want to ruin the friendship by dating, he says. However, he has sent me conflicting messages in the past. My main point: I can't stop thinking about him. It's effecting my life and work. Even when I'm with other friends or family, still all I can think about is him. How do you make it stop?
Ronni_W Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 all I can think about is him. How do you make it stop? Thoughtus Interruptus. The only way to stop thinking about something is to stop thinking about it. Interrupt your unwanted thoughts and replace them with different thoughts. Examples: the lyrics of a song ('Happy Birthday' will do), say the alphabet backwards, offer a prayer of gratitude, count to 250 in 13s...then count down in 13s, too. Change your unwanted thoughts using whatever tricks work for you. It's difficult when our feelings of affection are not reciprocated. Perhaps you can channel your unrequited emotions in a different direction -- a creative endeavour, volunteering, learning a new language or skill, etc. If it becomes too difficult being "just friends", you may want to consider going no contact...temporarily, or perhaps permanently depending on how well you learn to manage these thoughts/emotions.
Author LevelHeaded Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Thanks, Ronni. I don't think I ever learned to control my thoughts, at least not consciously. I'm going to try harder at that. As it stands now, he comes into my head and thoughts start swimming and expand.
Ronni_W Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I don't think I ever learned to control my thoughts Yeah...it's one of those important skills that we're NOT taught! It does take lots of practice, though...you need to stay aware of your thoughts, and be consistent and persistent when it comes to changing the ones you don't want to entertain. Another trick is to say something like, "This thought is not serving me so I am changing this thought," and then to remember to actually go ahead and change it. There's also snapping your wrist sharply with a thick elastic band But. Try everything else before that, is my suggestion. Mostly it's about becoming aware, in the moment, of what you're thinking and then making a conscious choice about what you really want to think about. Good luck! Leveller, thank you for your kind words...much appreciated
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