CaliGuy Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 That mantra has been going through my brain since the last breakup I had. Especially on the off days where I might think about that or some other ex in my life. "I deserve better..." It's not that I think I am "all that". It's simply that I know that I am worthy of being loved and not taken for granted. And I think the big reason why many people have a hard time moving on is they don't really believe they deserve to be loved, valued and cherished. I think we all do. So on the off days when you feel down due to some jacka$$ or b*tch of an ex, remember: "You deserve better. Better treatment. Better than him/her." I know I do.... If you wonder why I am so big on no contact, this is the predominate reason. It's what helps me delete them from my life easily. It's what keeps me from calling them or writing them soppy letters. It's not that I think that I am all that. It's that "they're not all that" either.... Link to post Share on other sites
BoatLord Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 I agree and you put it better than I could have! Link to post Share on other sites
waitingpatiently Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Great post! Yea I have to keep telling myself that also. Sometimes I easily forget why they're out of my life for a reason when those "good times" start coming to mind. But I know if I went back then I would be worse than where I am currently. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Noname Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Great advise, I also think it will help if you feel down you repeat that sentence in the mirror a several times. Sounds kinda strange but a positive self talk can sometimes help! Repeat to yourself you are the one that is causing the pain, that you are strong and you deserve better, and think like this way... maybe it will help, the dumper is happy and that is a great motivation to be happy also.. YOU want to be the winner. Link to post Share on other sites
huck Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Great post Cali.. Just as good thou I think is the final sentence from ' Waitingpatiently ' "But I know if I went back then I would be worse than where I am currently." Link to post Share on other sites
SweetyBear Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I've been really struggling for the "how" of NC. I understand the why, but it's just been really hard to implement. I think I have my simple "how" now. Thank you so much! Link to post Share on other sites
oasis Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Also, I would like to add, that for me, No Contact is about self-respect. It respecting yourself first, by not groveling for the attention of someone who wants nothing to do with you. After sometime has passed and the pain has subsided, it eventually puts you back on even-keel, with the dumper. Link to post Share on other sites
asuman Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Also, I would like to add, that for me, No Contact is about self-respect. It respecting yourself first, by not groveling for the attention of someone who wants nothing to do with you. After sometime has passed and the pain has subsided, it eventually puts you back on even-keel, with the dumper. This is really what it's all about. Does it feel good, folks, when you just want a single frickin' phone call from someone and you never get it? Does it feel good when you decide to call them instead, and you don't hear enthusiasm in their voice, and you don't feel them reciprocating the affection you have for them? No. It doesn't feel good. It feels like ****. So don't do it. Demand better. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Demand better. what's yours and the OPs definition of "better"....then next one that comes along may be 10 times worse Link to post Share on other sites
asuman Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 what's yours and the OPs definition of "better"....then next one that comes along may be 10 times worse Don't settle for worse. Don't settle for someone who doesn't make you feel good. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 what's yours and the OPs definition of "better"....then next one that comes along may be 10 times worse My take on what he said is... Do you want to spend your days,weeks,months, hell.. years! Waiting?.. "Better" is what you make of it. How long can you feel the pain of, "what if?".. NC is to heal yourself and that's the only person you should focus on right now! YOURSELF! Get out there and live! You deserve "better" than what/whoever left you or you left(in some cases..haha)! Link to post Share on other sites
now_what Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I wish I could have no contact - but we have children, so we have some contact, but only about the kids (for the most part). I deserve better too, I DON'T and didn't deserve to be ignored, taken for granted, lied to, shunned in bed, cheated on, snuck out on, not spoken to etc. Years ago when my ex and I began dating (1975) he told me that he didn't think I would go out with him, because I was too good for him - he didn't think he had a chance with someone like me. I guess he was right - I was too good for him, not that I'm all that, but he has certainly lowered his standards. Link to post Share on other sites
patcha Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 An alternative way to think when in NC mode. Thanks caliguy! I'm going to delete some archived emails right now. I know. Pathetic. I kept emails! I deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 I wish I could have no contact - but we have children, so we have some contact, but only about the kids (for the most part). I deserve better too, I DON'T and didn't deserve to be ignored, taken for granted, lied to, shunned in bed, cheated on, snuck out on, not spoken to etc. Years ago when my ex and I began dating (1975) he told me that he didn't think I would go out with him, because I was too good for him - he didn't think he had a chance with someone like me. I guess he was right - I was too good for him, not that I'm all that, but he has certainly lowered his standards. Somewhere down the line you got fooled. Don't worry, it happens to all of us at some point in our lives. I got duped hard-core which is what initially brought me to LS. I was naeve enough to believe some really silly things about people. Stay the course. You know you deserve better and he'll come soon. An alternative way to think when in NC mode. Thanks caliguy! I'm going to delete some archived emails right now. I know. Pathetic. I kept emails! I deserve better. Yep, we all do. What's the point of saving old memories from someone who took you for granted? The only thing I have left over is an engagement ring. I think I'm going to give the ring to my sister since her wedding ring is CRAP! (Sorry Bro in Law, it looks like you got it from a Cracker Jack box!) Link to post Share on other sites
gorgio Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I think that the reason I am having a hard time with this breakup is regrets. She did deserve better and that's why she left. It's hard for me to make the switch that 'I deserve better' because I feel as if I wasn't there for her throughout the relationship. But I guess I do deserve better and that's why we are not together now. Anybody in the same situation? Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 But what if, as in my case, they really were too good for you and they left to find someone better? Two years later it still hurts so much and I still feel so ashamed of myself for thinking I was good enough to hang with someone so beautiful, smart, talented, and funny. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 But what if, as in my case, they really were too good for you and they left to find someone better? Two years later it still hurts so much and I still feel so ashamed of myself for thinking I was good enough to hang with someone so beautiful, smart, talented, and funny. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. That's low self esteem talkin' sedgwick.... You picked someone that ultimately, you ended up not being compatible with. That doesn't make YOU inferior, doesn't make HIM superior. It only means you are 2 people who can't make it work together. Please don't let the demise of that relationship make you think negatively of yourself. You've posted on here and given many people hope for their situations, maybe take a look and realize that you're a strong, beautiful person, deserving of the kind of love you want. As always, Caliguy, great thread. Great point. It's true, everyone does deserve better. When breakups happen, it's because the relationship wasn't right, and allows people to find the one that will be right... Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Yes but essentially, the hard reality is, some people simply will not meet someone thats right for them. Some people fall in love once. Some a hundred times in a lifetime. Some never. The reality is, not everyone is meant to be in a relationship or end up with someone. It is what we all aspire for, but the fact that so many are miserable in relationships, cheat, etc, is reason enough to believe that for many people, relationships are not the way to go. We need to accept it is human nature on the one hand to be alone, and also to be a social animal. As such our future may be one which offers a relationship or may be one where we end up without one. Life is not about being paired up. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Excellent post!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 But what if, as in my case, they really were too good for you No one is "too good for you..." That is absolutely your own insecurities winning out. As weird as this sounds, I'm just confident enough to believe I can date anyone I want (even a celebrity and even at my age (40). I am not foolish enough to believe that everyone will like me, but I am also not going to lose a wink of sleep over it either. and they left to find someone better? Two years later it still hurts so much and I still feel so ashamed of myself for thinking I was good enough to hang with someone so beautiful, smart, talented, and funny. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. It still hurts because you haven't forgiven yourself or him. You can't close that chapter of your life and move on because you keep beating yourself down. You dig yourself a deeper hole to climb out of every day. Nobody is doing this to you, Sedge, but yourself. Not him. You. If you really want to feel better about yourself you need to stop putting this guy on a pedestal and realize that he's just another guy. There are billions more men out there who are BETTER than he is and would love to go out with you. But not until you're over this guy. And you'll be over him when you start putting your energy into things that make you happy (not him, who makes you sad!) Link to post Share on other sites
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