IcemanJB Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I'll try to keep this short. I was seeing this girl about 2 years ago - I wouldn't call her an ex, since we were never really official. At the time, things were pretty rough for her - her parents were in the process of getting a divorce, one of her best friends died, and she was bouncing between colleges like mad. She eventually moved cross-country about a year ago, I think just to get away from everything. We've kept in touch, and recently she was back in WI visiting friends. In the last few weeks, she's made it really clear that she wants to see me more - constant texting, and phone calls late at night. She's been jokingly (I HOPE!) saying I should move out to AZ with her, which is obviously not something I'm going to consider. She's also been making noise about moving back to WI later this year. Anyways, I told her I could take a few days off and visit in a month or so, since I haven't been to that part of the country in awhile. So I talked with a couple friends about this, trying to be as logical as I can. If I book the plane ticket soon, it will only be like $250 round trip. She will provide lodging and food. I (obviously) do enjoy her company and we've always gotten along great, but I'm not allowing myself to go ga-ga over her just yet - mainly because I still have feelings for my ex (who happens to be moving back here this weekend - but that's another issue...). My friends are saying this is a borderline situation. So that's why I'm here - what does LS say?
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Do the girl a favor - quit leading her on. If your feelings for her are mediocre, it's not really fair to keep seeing her. You'd know by now if there was going to be anything more to develop. And once you get done with her, don't date anyone until you get over your ex.
Lyssa Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 This is quite tough. She's likes you and you're still not over your ex. Your ex is moving back this weekend.... wait, no.. it's not that tough. I'm with SoulSearch_CO. Don't lead her on and don't get involve with anyone else without getting over your ex first. You can visit her but you gotta make it clear to her that it is just a visit. Stay in a hotel instead of staying over at her place.
carhill Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 OP, just so I'm clear, is the ex who's moving back someone you were with prior to meeting this young lady two years ago or someone you were with after you met her? I'm unclear on the timeline. IME, women give me attention for many reasons, few of them having to do with "being" with me. Don't read too much into that. Rather, pay more attention to what you'd proactively do if she were paying you little to no attention. That's a better indicator of how you really feel. Lastly, your ex (the one moving back this weekend) is an ex for a reason (or reasons). Don't let 'attention' from her cloud those reasons, lest you fall into the rubber band trap. Good luck!
missdependant Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Iceman - I think your ex is stringing you along for the last 8 months and I don't think it's fair. I think you deserve a vacation. Don't lead the new girl on if you're not ready to commit to anything yet.. but a vacay could be just what you need. If the $250 isn't going to break your bank, you may as well take the trip. I think you need a break like this. How romantic would you say her feelings are for you? If the feeling is mutual where you're just exploring options right now, then there probably won't be any harm in going on a visit and seeing where things go. I WOULD recommend not being so involved with your ex. IMO, she is a player.
loveslife Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Hi Iceman, My opinion is to hold off on plans to visit the AZ girl until you see the ex who is moving back this weekend. Figure out your feelings for her first. That way you will be able to let whatever is meant to happen (or not happen) with AZ girl come about naturally.
lora22 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 As long as you're upfront about your feelings (or lack thereof), and your expectations, I don't see anything wrong with going to AZ. This girl lives across the country from you, you're not moving there, and she may or may not be moving back to your city - but not for months. Would she really honestly be looking to start something with you right now?
Author IcemanJB Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 OP, just so I'm clear, is the ex who's moving back someone you were with prior to meeting this young lady two years ago or someone you were with after you met her? I'm unclear on the timeline. I was with my ex after I dated said girl. Missdependant is most familiar with the ex story - I actually haven't heard from her in a couple weeks; which was when she offered to drive me to the airport randomly. I haven't initiated anything with her in months. As for AZ girl's feelings towards me - we've known each other for a looooong time (almost 10 years), and we did cuddle and whatnot a few weeks ago. She confessed something pretty personal to me last week, and apparently I was the first to know. When I was seeing her, I was really into her as well. I like the suggestion of waiting until after this weekend. Just as an FYI, AZ girl knows of my ex, and when she found out I dated the ex, she goes "oh, you dated her!? I didn't know that." kind of shocked-like. So idk. Probably best that if I go to AZ, I mention that there's still something between me and ex.
Author IcemanJB Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Well I've been thinking a lot about this the past couple days. I've never been in this sort of situation before which is probably why I have no idea what I should do. To anyone who's been in this place before: does starting to see another girl put you "over the edge" of forgetting an ex? I do like AZ girl, and will be straight up with her about the ex if AZ girl reveals that she has strong feelings for me which I think is the case. My thoughts are certainly not dominated by my ex like they were a few months ago. I've been talking to/meeting other girls, and been on a few dates. After the "excitement" of that wears off, that gut feeling for my ex is still there; though more annoying than depressing. So again, is visiting AZ girl something that could put me "over the hump"? I do not want to use her or hurt her in any way though.
carhill Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I'd resolve the ex issue independently. IME, others only distract such feelings, and, sometimes, certain aspects of the others 'remind' one of the feelings, toxifying the potentials. IMO, the true test will come when you no longer think about the ex and then date someone and test that, as intimacy can dredge up past feelings and memories.
Lyssa Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I could never date anyone without getting over an ex. Then again, my last relationship - it ended very badly and it took every fibre in me to get over him and I did with the help of family and close friends. But I didn't get over him entirely, at that time I thought about and longed for him. Then I met my now fiance and in a way, he helped me got over my ex for good! I know I said it's not a good idea to start dating when you're not over your ex and I still stand by that.. but if it's been over 2 or 3 years, then perhaps seeing someone new would help you get over your ex for good. I'm just speaking from my own experience.
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I get the feeling that AZ girl is unstable and if you get involved with her, are in for a boat load of grief. Look for someone who has defined goals in life and knows how to get there.
Lucky_One Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 If sex is going to enter the picture in AZ (or even if there is the possibility that you would sleep with her even if you aren't *planning* on it right now), then I would forego the trip to AZ for now. AZ girl sounds a little needy/confused/lonely, and sex can really screw up a woman's head if she starts putting expectations and emotions into a sexual relationship that you aren't ready or willing to give. If your ex isn't out of your head and if she is moving back, then you know you will see her. Who knows what will transpire then? (Not getting into whether that is good or healthy for you - I don't know the background) But having two simulaneous relationships really is never a good thing.
Author IcemanJB Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 If your ex isn't out of your head and if she is moving back, then you know you will see her. Who knows what will transpire then? (Not getting into whether that is good or healthy for you - I don't know the background) But having two simulaneous relationships really is never a good thing. And that's the issue. For my own good I do not want to see my ex - but I know that it's inevitable that I will see her. She will be living with my sister, who I'm really close with. Dammit! Maybe it is best to postpone this trip...AZ girl already thinks I'm most likely coming down and she was really excited about it, so this will be tough. I told her I'd know for sure by the end of this week, so maybe I can stall a little more lol. Any advice on how to break the news? Again, she does know about my ex...
missdependant Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 So again, is visiting AZ girl something that could put me "over the hump"? I do not want to use her or hurt her in any way though. Yes, but don't use her as a rebound. Ask what HER intentions are. If she's just looking to have some fun, then you're on the same page. If she wants a serious relationship you're not. I see nothing wrong with visiting someone in another state, even as a casual date thing. In fact, I see nothing wrong with the casual dating scene after relationships... Your ex and you broke up back in October was it? I think you're safe to start casually dating..
Andy500 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 It really isn't fair to let this girl think she has a solid chance with you when clearly your ex is on your mind. Figure out your ex situation before making any sort of move towards anyone else. It'll help avoid hurt all around.
NoTNorMal Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 If you got so involved with someone as to call them your ex, and you're now thinking this seriously about someone new, but now#2 your thinking about your ex again. You sound fickle and are causing trouble for the very few rest of us guys who won't screw until we find the right one. Do me a favor and wear a rubber, i don't want to raise your kids.
Author IcemanJB Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 At least I'm going through the trouble to talk and think it out, rather than just following my cock. Thanks for your input though. Anything else?
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