Should i send this???

[Downundernz]

Hi guys my partner and i of 3.5 years broke up about a month ago. Allthough i managed to do minimal needy beggy stuff i agreed to 'friends' but un beknowen to her every time i hear from her its like im being stabbed in the heart... I want some closure should i go into full NC mode and ignore everything and look like a bitter freak or shall i send the following emaila and look like a down trodden dork but set myself free?

 

Hi Kate,

I have been thinking alot lately and im sorry to tell you i dont want to be friends anymore. I'd just like to have nothing to do with you from now on. Allthough i agree with the break up and im also not 'in love' any more i do still love u so any txt or email i get for you brings it all back to the day we broke up and its not healthy i just want to move on and I can't do that when we are in constant contact. The whole friends thing is a crook of **** when we were together we were friends and when we break up you lost the right to my friendship to... I dont want you as a gf and you dont deserve me as a friend.

I do not consider you an enemy, but what you did hurt me and i'm having trouble forgiving you for that. When we are not in contact im happy and outgoing and anything i hear from you makes me nostaligic which in turn makes me sad and i shouldnt have to feel like that. I was an upbeat up for anything guy before i met you and i'd like to return to that.. The friends thing is a nice idea but im sure that will soon take a back seat when we meet other people, so we may aswell self ourselves the hassel.

Hope you understand.

cya

 

SHOULD I SEND? SHOULD I EDIT? PLEASE HELP

[adamt]

i split up about a month ago. i wrote out a email letter in draft(to send to myself just so i wouldnt send my mistake). it was really just a list of all the things i could have done differently, how i can improve myself and what things the ex could have improved on. i never sent it but it helped to clear my head. not read it back yet. it wil be interesting when i read it back in a few months.

 

my advice is not to send a letter, jsut keep it safely locked away and use it for your own benefit to read back on it wont do any good and might come across desperate and needy and so more damage.

 

since we split up i have gone NC because i want to move on

[asuman]

i split up about a month ago. i wrote out a email letter in draft(to send to myself just so i wouldnt send my mistake). it was really just a list of all the things i could have done differently, how i can improve myself and what things the ex could have improved on. i never sent it but it helped to clear my head. not read it back yet. it wil be interesting when i read it back in a few months.

 

my advice is not to send a letter, jsut keep it safely locked away and use it for your own benefit to read back on it wont do any good and might come across desperate and needy and so more damage.

 

since we split up i have gone NC because i want to move on

 

I agree with this advice. Sit on the letter and don't send it yet. After days or weeks go by and you still feel the need to send it, maybe do so then. But I think you will find that just your writing this letter out was therapeutic and helpful to you.

[adamt]

sending a letter will not achieve anything to get her back. all it will do is make you wait for her to respond. then if she doesnt respond you will wonder if you should resend it just incase she never got it. if she did respond you will be building your hopes back up and reading too much into her reply. you have to learn to cut through the umbilical cord and move on.

 

I had tonnes of unanswered question going round my head. Thinking what i could have done differently. trying to pinpoint where she started changing and the reasons. after a month of NC, i am letting go and accepting these questions with never be answered. Now i just want to get myself back to normal as quick as possible so i can go out there and find my next girlfriend.

 

YOu will look back in 2 months and read the letter and gringe at it and be thankfull you never sent it and kept your self respect.

 

 

 

[asuman]

sending a letter will not achieve anything to get her back. all it will do is make you wait for her to respond. then if she doesnt respond you will wonder if you should resend it just incase she never got it. if she did respond you will be building your hopes back up and reading too much into her reply. you have to learn to cut through the umbilical cord and move on.

 

I had tonnes of unanswered question going round my head. Thinking what i could have done differently. trying to pinpoint where she started changing and the reasons. after a month of NC, i am letting go and accepting these questions with never be answered. Now i just want to get myself back to normal as quick as possible so i can go out there and find my next girlfriend.

 

YOu will look back in 2 months and read the letter and gringe at it and be thankfull you never sent it and kept your self respect.

 

Adamt is exactly right. Another reason to sit on the letter. If it's such a great letter, 2 months from now you'll look at it and think, "I definitely still need to send this letter!" I guarantee that won't happen. You'll actually look at it and think, "Wow, I was in a pretty different place when I wrote this. Thank God I didn't send it."

[adamt]

I can visualise the ex looking at the letter and rolling her eyes or having a good laugh at it with her mates.

 

what you have to realise is your ex who dumped you is a couple of months further down the line on getting over the relationship. They had a head start on you. More than likely they are over the whole thing and moved on. If the ex does read it properly and if you do get a responce then it will be just something like "thanks for the letter" ,"that letter was sweet". then your head is all over the place and back to where it was the day your split up.

[jqb05443]

Since you don't want her back...I would send the letter because like you said you are fine until you hear from her. So if she stops contacting you, you can finally move on with your life. I would send it.

[LisaUk]

If you really want to stop contact so you can move on then just send a short note saying something like, "although I would like us to be friends in the future, right now we both need some space to move on with our seperate lives. I do hope you understand". That's all.

 

However, if you are hoping by having NC to get her to come back to you, don't do anything. NC means NC.

 

Hope that helps clarify things for you.

[asuman]

Since you don't want her back...I would send the letter because like you said you are fine until you hear from her. So if she stops contacting you, you can finally move on with your life. I would send it.

 

Every time you make contact with her, you're prolonging your recovery period. She's months ahead of you so you have some catching up to do. Do you really want to hold yourself back instead?

 

Think of a relationship as a marathon. Sometimes two people choose to run together. Other times, one person decides to sprint ahead and leave you behind. If you're going to stop every 5 minutes to write an email or whatever, that's not going to make her stop for you. She's just going to keep pulling away, further and further. What you need to do instead is just keep running. If it was really meant to be, she'll catch up and find you.

[Lyssa]

I wouldn't send the letter. What helped me get through my break-ups were mostly letters I wrote, folded and tucked away somewhere.

 

Huh when I think about them.. I don't even remember where they are now...

[Downundernz]

Thanks guys, i wont send it then. Feel quite glad i didnt already.

[BCCA]

I think its almost impossible to send a letter like this without any expectations. And those expectations will turn into resentments, and you end up just making things worse in the end.

 

I would just avoid talking to her, and ignore any calls/texts/etc. Yeah, it sounds mean at first, but trust me, if this girl cares about you at all, she'll understand one day. Everyone thats ever been dumped knows full well you cant really just be friends the next day, its impossible.

 

Sending that letter will accomplish nothing without actions to back it up. You can send her a million letters, but staying NC without saying a word is best thing you can possibly do. It has nothing to do with being mean, or getting her back, its all about whats good for you. Right now, no interaction with her is healthy for you, even sending this letter. Just dissapear from her life, and in turn, she'll be gone from yours.

[Exit]

I'll provide you with my perspective since so far everyone is leaning in one direction...

 

I sent my ex one last letter after I got all my things back. I didn't beg, I didn't plead, I didn't even really ask her to come back. I simply took an objective look at our relationship, told her where I think we clearly went wrong, where we could have tried harder, and that I feel it would be worth another chance. I encouraged her to see other people so she can figure out if we had anything special or not. Then I said my goodbyes once and for all. It was clear she wasn't going to give me any closure, so I had to give it to myself.

 

And I felt good about it. I am proud that I am centered enough, mentally and emotionally, that I can sit down and write out my feelings. She can hardly come up with 2 sentences when I ask her to explain how she feels.

 

I do not regret sending it.

 

In my case, NC made no real difference because I was guilty of using it as a trick to hopefully get her back. NC is supposed to be about moving on and I wasn't doing that because I still had things left to say.

 

BUT, the day after I sent it, I did get a text message. "I'll send you a message later this week".

 

I couldn't believe it. I finally said goodbye after all the stalling she did, after taking 3 weeks to get all my things back, after realizing I couldn't keep bothering her and calling her, I try to let go and she finds a way to keep stringing me along.

 

Now it's been about 5 days, I don't know her definition of "later this week", but I haven't heard anything yet. And maybe she won't send anything at all.

 

Part of me is tempted to tell her "if you had anything to say you would have said it by now. This isn't helping me get over you. Don't bother sending it."

 

But then my curiosity will bother me forever. So I'm going to wait a few more days and see if she keeps her word.

 

Although this is somewhat keeping me on a string, I have been seeing someone else and going out and having fun, and I'm even considering not reading the letter for a couple days after she sends it, just to give her a taste of her own medicine.

 

So that's my perspective. Do I regret that I was adult enough to write out my feelings and send it to her? Not at all. Do I regret that she said she'll reply to it? Maybe. Am i going to regret sending it two months from now? No, I am secure about the the decisions I've made.

 

Maybe it will be something good, or maybe I will finally have closure when she can finally say to me "stop hoping, we won't be together again".

 

Worst case scenario would be if she never sends anything at all, probably trying to get me to beg for it, but I won't contact her anymore. If she has anything to say it's time for her to be the one to make contact.

 

Too much of this "no contact" mentality is about protecting the precious human ego. The ego is not a good thing to feed. Feeling like "I'll show her, she'll never hear from me again" is kind of childish. If you have something to say, say it. If it doesn't mean anything to them, then so be it.

 

 

Let me put it this way. Which will you regret more? Sending the letter, and maybe feeling a bit foolish about it 2 months later? Or never sending the letter, and wondering what might have happened if you did?

 

It's better to regret things that you DID, not things that you DIDN'T.

[BCCA]

Exit, while I appreicate some of your points, NC - as far as I'm concerned, should have nothing to do with your ego. It's about self preservation, its about realizing and accepting that things are over, and its about putting your needs first. You simply cannot stay around a person who has hurt you emotionally and move on at the same time. You'll never be fully moving on, so long as there is even the slightest thought in the back of your mind that things might change. Any relationship you get involved in will surely fail, because you'll always have one foot in/one foot out, and you wont really be emotionally available enough to be fair to the new person you date.

 

Part of accpeting things are over should include letting go and forgiving the other person. Regardless of how cold or uncaring they seemed at the end, you did love eachother at one time, and harboring resentment gets you nowhere.

 

If used properly, NC should be the best thing for everyone involved. If used improperly, the person implementing it will surely find themselves dissapointed and resentful.

 

Just as an FYI, I HAVE sent 'the letter' before, and my ex said she would read it over a few times and get back to me. Never happened, she never said anything, because like you said - if she had something to say, she would say it right on the spot or shortly after. You dont need a week, month or whatever to respond to a letter if its important to you to do so.

 

As far as closure, that comes from you, not the other person. Nothing she could possibly say is going to make you feel any better about the way things ended, and chances are, you wouldn't agree with most of it anyway. You have to decide that youre going to get over this, and close that chapter on your own.

 

I agree, its better to regret what you did, but at the same time, I dont see how anyone could possibly send a letter like this and not have any expectations. Those expectations will lead you to dissapointment. Thats why I say avoid sending the letter. I think saying it will help you one way or the other is rationalization for doing it.

[Beeotch]

Hi guys my partner and i of 3.5 years broke up about a month ago. Allthough i managed to do minimal needy beggy stuff i agreed to 'friends' but un beknowen to her every time i hear from her its like im being stabbed in the heart... I want some closure should i go into full NC mode and ignore everything and look like a bitter freak or shall i send the following emaila and look like a down trodden dork but set myself free?

 

Hi Kate,

I have been thinking alot lately and im sorry to tell you i dont want to be friends anymore. I'd just like to have nothing to do with you from now on. Allthough i agree with the break up and im also not 'in love' any more i do still love u so any txt or email i get for you brings it all back to the day we broke up and its not healthy i just want to move on and I can't do that when we are in constant contact. The whole friends thing is a crook of **** when we were together we were friends and when we break up you lost the right to my friendship to... I dont want you as a gf and you dont deserve me as a friend.

I do not consider you an enemy, but what you did hurt me and i'm having trouble forgiving you for that. When we are not in contact im happy and outgoing and anything i hear from you makes me nostaligic which in turn makes me sad and i shouldnt have to feel like that. I was an upbeat up for anything guy before i met you and i'd like to return to that.. The friends thing is a nice idea but im sure that will soon take a back seat when we meet other people, so we may aswell self ourselves the hassel.

Hope you understand.

cya

 

SHOULD I SEND? SHOULD I EDIT? PLEASE HELP

 

You shouldn't go into how sad and upset she makes you....you can leave out the more emotional aspects and strictly say you can't be friends because it brings unwanted nostalgia and you haven't forgiven her so it is an unhealthy dynamic. Nice and sweet without being sappy and making her see all your vulnerabilities. keep it polite and show there are no hard feelings without spilling your emotional guts before this person....just as how she lost the right to be your friend she ALSO lost the right to see your deep emotions.Treat it like a termination letter: to the point and polite not divulging all the details of what you don't like.