GIZMO Posted November 2, 2003 Posted November 2, 2003 I thought I would post on how I am getting through my break up with me and my ex fiance... I hope this post can help you with your break up as well.. I am a woman who was so in love with my ex, I thought he was my whole world.. I gave up my life just to live for him.. When he broke up with me I thought I was going to die, I hated myself, I hated the world, and I lost faith in just about everything. I had to go on medical leave for work, I became into a depression that I could not get out of... Well, my ex and I have been broken up for about 3 months now, and granted I do miss him, but I don't miss the feeling of always being so insecure with in the relationship. This is how I became alive again with my life.. I started to think that maybe I should really start to pay attention to myself again, do the things I want to do, go and make new friends, and live for me.. I will no longer worry about having children, a house, and my fenced in yard with my life time partner. I am just taking one day at a time. I do not want to contact my ex anymore, I gave up on the point of ever getting back with him.. if I ever did get back to him, I would never be able to trust him like I once did. I would always think that he would break my heart again. I will have my partner when the time is right, and if I don't.. well then it was never cut out for me.. When you start to get sad about your ex and really miss him and feel your world is crashing down, think about the times he/she was treating you bad, think about how that person broke your heart after you treated him/her so well. You know that your ex is out doing whatever while you are sitting home crying and praying that he or she is going to call you or stop at your place.. Is it really worth it? No, its time you take care of yourself now.. Do the things in life that you have always wanted to do.. You have one life to live, and the fact of the matter is, if he or she left you.. then be happy they did it now rather then later in the future when it would only be harder. You were happy before you and your ex were together, and you can get through the break up as well. I am sure you have learned and understand better on what you want out of a realtionship and what you don't want.. Just remember, its better to have known what love was then to not have loved at all.. Take what you have learned with your ex and apply to your new realtionship you will soon have.. I hope this helps you and I hope I made sense.. I just know how hard it is to deal with a breakup and I wanted to share of what I went though and what I did to move on with my life..
Fancy Posted November 2, 2003 Posted November 2, 2003 Good for you!!! It sounds like you're learning from your pain and making the best of it. You go girl!
ThisGirlNameKD Posted November 2, 2003 Posted November 2, 2003 I hope ALOT of people read this post. When couples break up, they always fantasize about the good times, and forget or minimize the bad. Reading your post reminds me of a song Toni Braxton made years ago called "Why Should I Care?" Well she's talking about an old lover that wants her back, but her reply was no. Some of the lyrics go: "now and again/I get sentimental/but I know it's just a phase I'm going through/and every time I start to slip/ I just remind myself/I need only think of it/I went through so much hell..." So whether they want to get back or it's you that wants to get back, it's good to remember all the bad things that caused you to break up in the first place, and realize you're better off without them. I like where you say you were happy before you and that person got together. So many people forget was life was like before they get in a relationship. You laughed, smiled, accomplished good things...those things don't stop once you get in a relationship or once it's over. If you were happy before, you CAN be just as happy afterward.
Vivid_29 Posted November 2, 2003 Posted November 2, 2003 GIZMO - Give yourself a pat on the back! I'm glad that you are able to pick up the pieces and move on. Pain is weakness, leaving the body. Those feelings of loss and rejection are just temporary and when we let those feelings go, we become that much stronger. We all can look back with a sense of pride, knowing that we survived it!!!
Unsure Posted November 2, 2003 Posted November 2, 2003 I appreciate your post. I don't think getting back together is always bad. I think that in time it's possible to trust the person that broke your heart again but I surely wouldn't live my life hoping that person took me back. I remember my mom telling me an old saying that it's ludacris to expect the person that knocked you down to pick you up because they wanted you up then they wouldn't have pushed you in the first place. Likewise, A person knows when they're breaking your heart by breaking up a relationship and if they do it anyway even if they have a "good reason" it's ludacris to look to that person for healing.
BraveGirl Posted November 2, 2003 Posted November 2, 2003 What an inspiring thread, thanks Gizmo. You tried to say it to me on my line, but you did it better this time! Remembering the bad things does help you see things with more perspective. Sometimes I write them down and it makes me see them more clearly. I don't think it's bad to remember the good times too, but that's much more painful of course. Maybe every time we think of a good, loving memory we should think of a bad one to counteract it. BraveGirl
Author GIZMO Posted November 2, 2003 Author Posted November 2, 2003 I just think that the more you think of the good times, the harder it is to move on with your life.. That is what I was having a problem doing, I kept crying over all of the good times and it was very hard to think of the bad times.. As far as getting back together with your ex.. well, I guess it would all depend, but I personaly do not think I would ever be able to trust him again. Its just like someone cheating on you.. what is the old saying?? Once a cheater always a cheater.. I would never ever let me ex hurt me again the way I let him last time. It is over and I want to be with someone that wants me as much as I want him.. I know I sound like I am angry, but I am really not.. I am just waking up and smelling the coffee.. I know I am a great person, and if someone does not see that side of me... well, there loss, not mine. We all have one life to live, and there are a million people in this world that wants what we all want, someone to love us like how we love them.. Why beg for someone when its obious they don't want us back?? Why try and sell yourself to your ex to try and win there heart back? I am not a sales person, and the fact is... I will not see myself anymore. I am beyond that, and I am picking up the loss pieces that I have forgot about becasue I was with my ex for so long.. Its time for me to pick up and go as far as I
Author GIZMO Posted November 2, 2003 Author Posted November 2, 2003 sorry, but go as far as I can with my life.. No more games, no more praying that he will love me back.. You love someone or you don't.. its just that easy...
Iamhappy Posted November 2, 2003 Posted November 2, 2003 Gizmo - so glad you're feeling/doing much better.
Author GIZMO Posted November 3, 2003 Author Posted November 3, 2003 Exactly! I feel so alive now and I am making friends.. I am getting out of the house and I am having a good time. I want to stay single for awhile and really get to know and understand myself better.. I think I am going to go back to college and start fresh again.. Why not, right? I am going to use my life and do all I can with it.. Learn and let live, I learned off my ex and now I will use it to my advantage!!
AryReisin Posted November 3, 2003 Posted November 3, 2003 What if what I want is to be with my ex so badly that is the only thing I want in my life? I hope there is someone here that is enough intelligent as to understand I didn't choose to fall in love or to deposit the whole sense of life in her. I want her even she doesn't want me, and I am going to try to wait for her as long as my love lasts. Otherwise I would isolate myself in such a way I would give up everything and maybe feel there is no way out. I don't feel that the good things besides her are enough to make me want to live life. It is very simple, if I forget her, miss her each time less, then I would quit absolutly everything because I couldn't be able to be sensitive when remembering something we shared. I know I am not as strong as many people are. And right now I am trying to find a way to put my interest in the rest of things of life, such as the piano (what I am trying to study), my friends, family, etc. But so far these things are nothing compared to her, not a chance. I hope at least I can stop wanting her, and at the same time not become insensitive. I am really in a hard situation considering I put the whole sense of life in her, didn't choose it just happened, just like I didn't choose to fall in love with her. Understanding things hasn't changed my feelings. Right now she wants to be alone, and feel fine, and to make a complete separation. She said she would only meet me in the future if I stop loving her. That puts me even in a worse position, which is if I want to meet her ever again I must stop loving her, which I can't do, and I won't try to do. Not a chance someone will ever replace her place or cover the loss. Don't think that everyone is the same, there are people who are weak like me and it is not a joke. The only thing that didn't let me commit suicide is my fear of death.
Author GIZMO Posted November 3, 2003 Author Posted November 3, 2003 Your right not everyone is strong, but its up to them if they want to become strong. It does not happen over night. You have to take a step forward each day.. You have to do whatever you can to stay strong.. We all are sad at times about the loss of our partners, but.. we all move ahead in our life.. You should not even consider doing something like killing yourself.. I just had a friend that killed himself at 25 years old because his girlfriend left him.. Do you know what she feels now??? Only guilt, and why?? Because she fell out of love with him? Does she really deserve to be punished for the rest of her life?? No! His parents are still so upset for the loss of there only child.. Don't ever do something like kill yourself.. Ever!!!!!!!!! You will get past this stage in your life.. You will see the sun again, I promise.. but you have to be willing to help yourself as well. Let your ex go, don't forget about her, as I am sure she will always be in your heart, even when you meet the next woman, your ex will always be in your heart since you did love her.. You have to try and move ahead in your life, I am sure you are stronger then you give your self credit for... You will get past this.. I promise, we all do.. But I stress to you.... DO NOT KILL YOURSELF over this matter.. Its not worth it... I promise, you will see the sun again and the rain clouds will go away.. just wait and see.. It takes time to get over a love in your life, but time heals the heart.. Watch and see.. ;)
AryReisin Posted November 3, 2003 Posted November 3, 2003 Originally posted by GIZMO Your right not everyone is strong, but its up to them if they want to become strong. It does not happen over night. You have to take a step forward each day.. You have to do whatever you can to stay strong.. We all are sad at times about the loss of our partners, but.. we all move ahead in our life.. You should not even consider doing something like killing yourself.. I just had a friend that killed himself at 25 years old because his girlfriend left him.. Do you know what she feels now??? Only guilt, and why?? Because she fell out of love with him? Does she really deserve to be punished for the rest of her life?? No! His parents are still so upset for the loss of there only child.. Don't ever do something like kill yourself.. Ever!!!!!!!!! You will get past this stage in your life.. You will see the sun again, I promise.. but you have to be willing to help yourself as well. Let your ex go, don't forget about her, as I am sure she will always be in your heart, even when you meet the next woman, your ex will always be in your heart since you did love her.. You have to try and move ahead in your life, I am sure you are stronger then you give your self credit for... You will get past this.. I promise, we all do.. But I stress to you.... DO NOT KILL YOURSELF over this matter.. Its not worth it... I promise, you will see the sun again and the rain clouds will go away.. just wait and see.. It takes time to get over a love in your life, but time heals the heart.. Watch and see.. ;) Too bad you didn't get the point, anyway thanks. I don't think I will kill myself, I am too coward, too chicken. But giving up everything, not wanting to live anymore, that I can do. There will be no other woman, I can absolutly assure you that, no doubt. Maybe I will wait for her, but whatever I do I won't ever get to know other woman in my life, because I won't expose myself to the kind of situations where one can know a girl. She is my life and I lost her, so I lost my life. There is a very extremely little possibility I can get it back, recover it. Otherwise I would be "living" dead, this means living without feeling alive or willing to live. A dead vegetable (not a depressed person who does stuff and cannot feel things, but someone who doesn't move from the floor), no kidding, have been very close of that place and I am afraid I will get there for good.
Author GIZMO Posted November 3, 2003 Author Posted November 3, 2003 I don't get why you want to wait for a person that does not want you right now? Why?? Do you think she is the only woman in the world that can make you happy?
AryReisin Posted November 3, 2003 Posted November 3, 2003 Originally posted by GIZMO I don't get why you want to wait for a person that does not want you right now? Why?? Do you think she is the only woman in the world that can make you happy? Because if she gives me the opportunity I can try to make her fall in love with me. I didn't choose to want her this way. I don't need her to live, I want her as a vital goal. My only goal in life is to be with her, because I don't want the experiences (we had) to die. They are part of me, they are all I care. If the memories die, if they stop right there, this means they don't continue to grow and live, then I die. I am those experiences, and I want ME to live, those experiences and of course my love for her are the only thing that matters to me. I wish I never had born at all. The suffering I experienced since I was a kid was and has been much bigger than the happy moments. Life is not worth to me. Maybe if I get to the position of feeling there is no way out, and I really don't try to look for a way out, then I could really die (not physical death but the death of desire, resignation). To renounce everything. This would mean that as I need something (her) in order to want to live, and I see I can't achieve that, and all my tries are useless, then I would stop trying and a possible transformation could take place. Maybe that would be freedom, not desiring anything anymore. When you lost all hopes. Maybe enlightenment is the state of hopelessness (not desperation).
Author GIZMO Posted November 3, 2003 Author Posted November 3, 2003 It sounds to me like you do not love yourself, and if you can not love yourself... how can you love anyone else???
AryReisin Posted November 3, 2003 Posted November 3, 2003 Originally posted by GIZMO It sounds to me like you do not love yourself, and if you can not love yourself... how can you love anyone else??? You have a different concept of love. I think it is a feeling of great intensity and security. I can feel love for someone and at the same time not love myself. Very simple. If I loved myself then I wouldn't need or want anyone or anything else. Simple as that. I envy those who are in love with themselves, they can be permanently happy, the narcissus people. To be in love with oneself is the key to permanent happiness. THE THING IS ONE DOESN'T EVER CHOOSE WHAT TO FEEL, DON'T YOU THINK?
Author GIZMO Posted November 3, 2003 Author Posted November 3, 2003 So by you being with your ex, will make you happy? She will make your love youself? She is life itself to you? How long did you date this woman?
AryReisin Posted November 3, 2003 Posted November 3, 2003 She won't make me love myself. She will make me happy very probably. She is not life itself, life is about her. This means I can live without her but I don't want to. If you want or interested in knowing the story or help me then here it is. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t27688/
Author GIZMO Posted November 3, 2003 Author Posted November 3, 2003 I read your post.. you need to get up on your feet again.. You are way to young to feel like your dying inside.
AryReisin Posted November 3, 2003 Posted November 3, 2003 Originally posted by GIZMO I read your post.. you need to get up on your feet again.. You are way to young to feel like your dying inside. Do you think that is helpful in anyway? I am to youun to feel like this? Come one I thought people here were smarter.
Iamhappy Posted November 3, 2003 Posted November 3, 2003 Ary, sweetie, I feel for you. Heartbreak at 16 isn't any different nor is it any easier than heartbreak at 31. If you're looking to get her back, I doubt that you'll get many people here who will support you in that endeavor. You ask us to tell you how to get her back and if you have a chance at doing so. No matter how many different ways you phrase the question, the answer will be the same. Understand that we are not minimizing or belittling your pain or experience, only that there is nothing to be done in the present situation. It's difficult for you to see that right now and that's where we have an advantage over you. We have the benefit of being outsiders - observers in a story that has played itself out. And many of us have the benefit of having loved and lost not one, but many in our pursuit to find the "one." You can kick and scream and yell and cry. You can scheme from now until sundown on how to get her back and how to make her love you again. But at the end of the day, you still have to face yourself in the mirror and deal with your pain and your loss. Focusing all your energies on her or on how to win her back won't change that. You can not make people do what you want them to do not even if it's in their best interest. You can not make them see logic or reason if they choose not to. You are an example of that. These are just my observations. I really have no advice to give you. Except maybe that you have youth on your side and with it the benefits of time - to heal, to mature and to find another. Good luck.
AryReisin Posted November 3, 2003 Posted November 3, 2003 Originally posted by Iamnotnothing Ary, sweetie, I feel for you. Heartbreak at 16 isn't any different nor is it any easier than heartbreak at 31. If you're looking to get her back, I doubt that you'll get many people here who will support you in that endeavor. You ask us to tell you how to get her back and if you have a chance at doing so. No matter how many different ways you phrase the question, the answer will be the same. Understand that we are not minimizing or belittling your pain or experience, only that there is nothing to be done in the present situation. It's difficult for you to see that right now and that's where we have an advantage over you. We have the benefit of being outsiders - observers in a story that has played itself out. And many of us have the benefit of having loved and lost not one, but many in our pursuit to find the "one." You can kick and scream and yell and cry. You can scheme from now until sundown on how to get her back and how to make her love you again. But at the end of the day, you still have to face yourself in the mirror and deal with your pain and your loss. Focusing all your energies on her or on how to win her back won't change that. You can not make people do what you want them to do not even if it's in their best interest. You can not make them see logic or reason if they choose not to. You are an example of that. These are just my observations. I really have no advice to give you. Except maybe that you have youth on your side and with it the benefits of time - to heal, to mature and to find another. Good luck. She IS the ONe. Not the one who is convenient for me but the one I want. I can't make her change herself, but I can try to do what is needed to be with her at least as friends and then try something more. Not a chance I will ever be with someone else. Not a chance. The thing is I will take a distance if time passes by, I mean emotional distance, because people told me not to talk to her or to chat. I don't know if I will do that. What I know is if I lose what I feel for her completely (which I know is possible) then I would lose interest in life. Now I am looking for help to be able to put my interest of life in something else, but seems impossible so far.
BraveGirl Posted November 3, 2003 Posted November 3, 2003 Look at the message I wrote on your post, about LIFE. I hope it helps a bit. BraveGirl
Aquilah Posted November 11, 2003 Posted November 11, 2003 I do think that I understand what you're talking about Ary, and I think that everyone else here does too. But because I understand what you're feeling, I know that you don't think I or anyone else could possibly know. Realize (like I am trying to do) that you can't *make* her love you again. I've just been let go after six years together. We had made plans to marry and have a family and to just be together. Now he's told me that he just doesn't love me anymore. I'm 10000 miles away from him and he decided that he doesn't want me enough to try to work things out. He says that he still cares about me and there was also the inevitable: "I really want us to still be friends", but I can't do that. Being friends just means that I am trying to change his mind. Its too frustrating and painful because I can't. I finally had to tell him that I just can't speak to him at all anymore, I get too confused and hurt everytime. It was like cutting off my arm. I just don't want to believe that someone that I love so much and who I thought loved me could just fall out of love. We haven't always been so far apart so its not just the long distance thing. I don't think I ever really understood how horribly painful it can be to learn that someone can "get over" you. I really appreciate some of the stories that everyone shared in their posts. I know objectively that I will get over this and come out of it stronger, but its nice to hear some actual "survivor" stories. Thanks.
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