After 8 years together my girlfriend has broken up with me suddnenly

[jayboy]

Hi I would be grateful for some advice or opinions on my situation below please.

 

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 8 years, I guess as in most relationships we were deeply in love for the first 5 or so years, and both planned to spend the rest of our lives together. We became part of each others families, and I guess everyone just expected us to get married and start a family etc.

 

Last year after loking for ages, we purchased a flat together, and spent months furnishing it, making it homely and she seemed over the moon that we had our own place.

 

About 6 months ago we went on holiday to the Philipinnes as her family was having a huge family reunion for Christmas, and she wanted me to meet all her family from the USA, France, Canada etc.

 

About 3-4 months ago she starts dropping major hints that she wants us to get engaged with no prompting from myself. She even starts telling female members of my family we are looking at engagement rings

 

About 2 months ago she was being really quiet one day, I asked what was wrong and she says she is tired. This carries on all day, then in the evening I ask her again. This time she breaks down in tears and says she doesn't want to be with me anymore and that she is going to her Mums.

 

Anyway her Mum ends up giving her a hard time, and makes it clear that she is on my side and she can't beleive has walked out on me. I speak to my GF about a month later and she sounds terrible, almost like she is having a nervous breakdown and she says she can't bear being at her Mums. I (perhaps stupidly) couldn't stand seeing her like this so I tell her to move back into the flat to take her mind off things. She agrees on the proviso that I move in with my Mum as she won't be able to think straight with me there. Co incidentally my Mum had recently been burgled, and staying with her seemed like a good idea as I could look after her too. So I am at my Mums and my GF is at our flat....I know its a mess.

 

I spoke to her yesterday and she is adamant she has made her made up that she no longer wants to be with me, and that she can't give me a chance. She says she has been unhappy for a while and has been giving me signs, but I didn't spot them. I wouldn't have thought prompting me to get her an engagement ring was a sign she was unhappy?

 

For the past 2 years I admit I have neglected her somewhat, we didn't really go out as much as we used to, I sometimes lost my temper over unreasonable things, but apart from that we were fine....in light of all this does her behaviour seem strange?

 

She has said that she will move out in Septmber, but I know she has been reckless with her money since we spoit and is overdrawn by thousands of pounds so not sure what she can possibly do. I have agree to not contact her until September when we will meet to discuss things.

 

I know there is third party involved, but from you have read do I have any chance at all of getting her back?

 

Grateful for any views.

Thanks

 

Sorry for the long post, but grateful for any views.

[adamt]

yeah i can't get my head around things like 4 months ago they were fully committed and pushing for commitment then 2 months later they change their mind and want to split up. similar with me. all i can think is they wake up one morning and get cold feet and realise they just not ready to settle down. they like the idea of the dream of what will happen in the future but when it comes to action they just not wanting it.

 

i dont know if it is just modern society but women these days seem to want to find themselves a lot more and get worried they have lost themselves in a relationship. when my parents were growing up women didnt have careers and accepted that they would be a housewife with an average job.

[desertsun09]

You know there is a third party involved? How, what did she say?

 

That is your problem right there. It's probably nothing to do with you and all to do with this other guy unfortunately. It sounds like she's made up her mind and you need to start thinking about how you are going to move on from here. I know it hurts so bad....maybe talk to her one more time and have a real frank discussion and lay everythign out on the line and see her response.

 

Another question I have is why were you guys going out for so long and not married yet?

[jayboy]

You know there is a third party involved? How, what did she say?

 

That is your problem right there. It's probably nothing to do with you and all to do with this other guy unfortunately. It sounds like she's made up her mind and you need to start thinking about how you are going to move on from here. I know it hurts so bad....maybe talk to her one more time and have a real frank discussion and lay everythign out on the line and see her response.

 

Another question I have is why were you guys going out for so long and not married yet?

 

Sorry I made a typo.

 

There is NO THIRD PARTY INVOLVEMENT

 

To be honest on the marriage point we just seemed so happy, that maybe we just thought well it will happen when it happens. Also for the first 6 years we never had a place of our own, its only been a year since we got our feet on the property ladder, as it had been very hard for us to get a mortgage.

[hopesndreams]

If I were you, I'd move back into that flat. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. She was the one that didn't want to be in a relationship with you and you reward her by giving up your flat! What makes you think that when September comes round she will change her mind about you? Not only that, you both agree not to be in contact with eachother that whole time? How can anything be resolved here?

 

There may not be a third party involved here, at the moment, but what makes you think she wants to sit alone in the flat twiddling her thumbs and spending loads of dough? Do you think she is thinking about you? I'm sorry, but in this case she is the cat that's got the cream.

[jayboy]

If I were you, I'd move back into that flat. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. She was the one that didn't want to be in a relationship with you and you reward her by giving up your flat! What makes you think that when September comes round she will change her mind about you? Not only that, you both agree not to be in contact with eachother that whole time? How can anything be resolved here?

 

There may not be a third party involved here, at the moment, but what makes you think she wants to sit alone in the flat twiddling her thumbs and spending loads of dough? Do you think she is thinking about you? I'm sorry, but in this case she is the cat that's got the cream.

 

 

I thought that perhaps the time apart without me contacting her and pressuring her to get back with me, might make her realise what she is giving up?

[hopesndreams]

But she has told you point blank it is over. She's using your good nature to her advantage.

 

I spoke to her yesterday and she is adamant she has made her made up that she no longer wants to be with me, and that she can't give me a chance.

[jayboy]

But she has told you point blank it is over. She's using your good nature to her advantage.

 

I spoke to her yesterday and she is adamant she has made her made up that she no longer wants to be with me, and that she can't give me a chance.

 

Yeah you are right. Perhaps wrongly I just feel like I can't give up just yet.

[hopesndreams]

Moving back into the flat wouldn't be giving up. Sitting back, waiting for her to come to her senses, is. In this case anyway.

[jayboy]

Moving back into the flat wouldn't be giving up. Sitting back, waiting for her to come to her senses, is. In this case anyway.

 

But moving back in would likey antagonise the situation, and I hate arguing with her...she would probably move out, and I also would like to stay at Mums more whilst she gets over the burglary.

[hopesndreams]

Sounds like you've made your decision. Best of luck to you.

[jayboy]

Sounds like you've made your decision. Best of luck to you.

 

I know you are probably right aboth things, thanks for your advice, perhaps I am just too stupid to take it

[hopesndreams]

I don't like seeing anyone being taken advantage of and I won't feed into your delusions that what you are now doing will bring her back to you. You aren't stupid, but confused. That's why you're here looking for advice.

[LisaUk]

Did you actually propose? I'm confused? Perhaps she is p****ed because she wants you to commit and thinks you don't want to, so can't see a point in carrying on with the relationship if it's not going anywhere? Have I got this backwards?

[jayboy]

Did you actually propose? I'm confused? Perhaps she is p****ed because she wants you to commit and thinks you don't want to, so can't see a point in carrying on with the relationship if it's not going anywhere? Have I got this backwards?

 

No I didn't propose we just talked about getting a ring and looked at a few. Perhaps I dragged my feet about it...but all she needed to do was talk to me about it surely.

 

Now I think back I can remember telling her that I planned to take her to Bareclona to propose.

[Phateless]

There comes a point at which you reach critical mass - it's time to either commit fully and go for it, or break up. You know? At some point you're either IN or OUT. Maybe that's it?

[LisaUk]

One would hope she would say, but then women can be funny creatures! She said she had been sending you signs she wasn't happy, you say there weren't any, is it possible the signs were she wasn't happy because she feels it's time you committed to her? ie: She isn't happy that you haven't taken the relationship to the next level and decided to marry her after 8 years? Hence the hints about rings etc. Only you know if this could be the case?

[jayboy]

I don't think this is the case because we wanted to get married when we were settled in our own home. We only had our own home for about 6 months and a month of that was spent on holiday.

 

I have since heard she mentioned the engagement rings in the hope that it would improve the relationship.

[jayboy]

Its a tough day for me today, it seems so easy to just pick up the phone to hear he voice.

 

Her Mum phoned me last night worried sick because she tells me that my ex is over the overdrafts on all of her bank accounts, but is still spending money she doesn't have. This makes me think she is not s happy as she makes out to be....when we were together I helped her to become much more sensible with her money, she used to say "You would have been so proud of me today Jay, I saw 3 pairs of shoes that I wanted to buy, but I resisted as I knew I didn't need them"

 

We agreed to meet in September to discuss our feelings, in the meantime I will try to keep myself busy, exercise etc....do people think this time could give her time to reflect if I maintain NC?

[hopesndreams]

She's playing you. Once she gets in debt way past her eyeballs, she'll then be back.

 

Really look into whether or not there is another man in the picture.

[jayboy]

I am 100% certain there is no one else involved. If anything she knows it would be much easier for me to forget her if I knew someone else was invoved.

[hopesndreams]

Its a tough day for me today, it seems so easy to just pick up the phone to hear he voice.

 

Do you ever go by the flat to visit or is it just phone calls? Or have I misread that and there are no phone calls either? Are you now in NC or are you just thinking about it? Talking with her mother is not NC, you do know that right?

 

And what about the being played factor?

[jayboy]

Its a tough day for me today, it seems so easy to just pick up the phone to hear he voice.

 

Do you ever go by the flat to visit or is it just phone calls? Or have I misread that and there are no phone calls either? Are you now in NC or are you just thinking about it? Talking with her mother is not NC, you do know that right?

 

And what about the being played factor?

 

No I never go to the flat (been there twice in last 2 months), and we aremeant to have been NC for last 2 months, but I stupidly phoned her a few times and sent a few texts and e-mails. We have been NC for the last 3 days now though, and barring 1 e-mail and 1 text last week, it would be 3 weeks NC. The aim is to be NC until Septmebr now.

 

I didn't realise speaking to her Mother was breaking NC. Her Mum phones me from time to time and I phone her too as we were quite close and her Mum is on my side.

 

Yeah you are right I could be being played, but then I guess I am complicit in that, as I offered to let her stay in the flat. I also still believe that she is just not like that (probably worongly though)...perhaps I am thinking that after the 2 months NC she will realise what is at stake.....stupid I know.

 

She wants us to talk about our feelings when we meet in September.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Perhaps the prospect of marriage made her realise its actually something she didn't want. You know how a person can push for committment, then get it, and then think 'god suddenly I feel trapped & suffocated and I don't want this!'. Maybe thats what happened.

 

Also i've noticed in some cases. Men and women push for strong reactions from people as a test to see how desirable they are i.e. they like to think someone sees them as husband/wife potential, they are flattered by that...but they don't want the reality of it.

[wow123]

Wow! I would point blank ask her if the reason she was unhappy was because you didn't get engaged yet. How long have u been talking about it? Maybe that's why she was talking to your family about it so they would light a fire under you??? But who knows? Some girls will only wait so long and walk away. Girls want to get married, have kids, etc.