jph26 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Hi there folks, been scanning through lots of old posts trying relate other situations to mine and thought I'd post my own. My girlfriend broke up with me 2 days ago after 4 1/2 years together. We're both 22 and I've just completed my degree, she completed hers a year earlier, and has been home with her family the whole year. For both of us it was our first serious relationship, which during its time was nothing but awesome. It came out of the blue, with her wanted to 'Have her independence back' and feeling 'supphocated.' (Which appears to be a common reason on this board.) The final straw was when she went to see her old university friends where they spent a week just going on days out and clubbing to celebrate their end of exams. She claims that was the most fun she had had in a long time. I know she hasn't cheated or anything along those lines as trust her completley. The reason I felt it came out of the blue is because we both put a deposit down on an engagement ring last month. We both thought It would go all the way. During the break-up talks which lasted a good hour I'd like to think I handled it well in a collective manner and acted very reasonable. She said she wants a clean break but then later added maybe we could meet up in couple of months/years and see where we are. Since the break-up I have employed the famous NC rule. I consider myself to be an emotional guy and often cry over some of the simple things in life. I've been unable to cry since the break-up. Last night it hit me as to why I haven't gotten really upset yet, I'm living on false hope. I have it on my mind we are 'On a break' when in fact it should be a clear cut break up. I want to be able to move on but I still currently think about her a great deal. I suppose I can be thankful it took a day to realise this instead of weeks/months. With this being my first serious relationship I haven't had to get over anyone yet. I was wondering if there were any ideas which would help me to realise this much faster? Or is it just going to hit me naturally? Having never been in this situation before I've just been surrounding myself with mates and talking things over with them for their experience/advice. Any input would be greatly appriciated and thanks for reading.
desertsun09 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I was living on false hope for a whole month. I finally broke down and called him 3 days ago and he actually said "I don't ever want to date you again, and I'm not even sure we can be friends right now". He was very cold and callous, (he was brushing his teeth and pouring a drink while on the phone like I was just some telemarketer he wanted to get off the phone with) when I didn't even really do anything to deserve such treatment. Of course I played my role in the relationship demise, but nothing catastrophic, nothing to deserve the breakup. It kinda came outta the blue cause we had agreed to work on things and I thought things were getting better. Hearing him say that on the phone the other day was crushing. But the next day, I accepted it, cried, am still crying, but at least I have some closure. I'm trying to stay busy....I seem to be doing slightly better. I can only hope in time, I will forget about this. Take care of yourself.
Lyssa Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I was wondering if there were any ideas which would help me to realise this much faster? Or is it just going to hit me naturally? Having never been in this situation before I've just been surrounding myself with mates and talking things over with them for their experience/advice. I'm sorry you had to go through your first break up. It is tough and it isn't something you get over quickly. As for me, it took me a while to get over my previous ex. He was, thus far the most difficult guy I had to get over. I talked to my family and friends - that helped a lot. Along the way, I met someone who helped me got over my ex completely. Another thing that helped me realised that it was really over was that I asked him about it straight up. After that, I went NC and that was it.
bluesky123 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Your situation is very simliar to mine. It 's going to be a month this Friday, the first two weeks I was fine maybe it was denial. However the last two weeks have been torture, I guess it's finally setting in that she is not coming back. I have been NC for two weeks now. We only talked via email, we were both very sweet to each other and she sort of left me with false hope. I guess we both have to find the strength (which is so hard) and get on with our lives. If they come back it's ment to be, if they dont well. I know its hard NC, but you got to stick with it. I bet your thinking this " maybe she's afraid of calling me, so I should call her" The reality of it is that they left us, and we should not call them. The pain we feel is the worst in the world. Having a broken heart sucks !
Exit Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Hope is a tricky thing. In so many aspects of our lives we are encouraged to have hope. But you don't want to sit around waiting for something that isn't going to happen. It will probably take time to accept it. For the first week or two you are still going to feel like your phone could ring at any second and she'll be ready to come back. To put it simply, you won't be convinced that she's not coming back until she doesn't come back. I don't think there's a way to speed up that process.
fissionchips Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 As Exit quite rightly said, hope is an extremely tricky thing. I'm currently in a situation where I probably know that I should just accept it and move on, but still clinging on to any small shred of hope of that I might get back together with my ex. Even typing 'ex' is painful still. It's shredding me. It's always hard when there's mention or a thought of 'seeing what happens in a few years/months'. It can be such a hard thought to get out of your mind, and you want to hold on to any small chance, especially if you still love that person. I'm probably not qualified to say anything else at this point, because I'm not sure whether I'm currently deluding myself or not. But I think Exit is right - we wont know until it's obvious that it just can't happen. I feel for you, buddy.
skreen23 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 First of all, i don't believe in false hope, hope is just hope. You really don't know what the future holds. You should hook up with friends have a bit of fun. Talk about how you feel too, dont bottle crap up or it'll fester away in your head. Physical exercise is good too, helps get rid of the depression or anger. Weird too, my ex broke with me for almost the same reason. 6 years man, 2 years engaged, just bought a car and a washing machine. Nothing says committment like a washing machine;)
fissionchips Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Nothing says committment like a washing machine;) Haha! Genius. We bought motorbikes together - rock and/or roll! Then I had to sell mine and fly back to England - poo. ...Damn, I loved that machine almost as much as I did her.
boogieboy Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Its will take some time for you to stop hoping for a reconciliation. You have to train your mind to slow down on thinking about her. It will take a while. You did the right thing but making a clean NC break. Not talking to her will help you more. Now is the time when she cant contact you that she could feel regrets. Unless you really smothered her. Since she is a coward, and couldnt tell you straight up that she wants to date other guys (thats what independence comes down to in the end) Just in case she tries to call or text you in the next 2 months, make her work for it. She broke it off with you out the blue, she has to win you back. Dont answer all the calls, or reply to all the texts. You gotta be busy and aloof for a while. Starting to flirt with new gi4rls will help you get over her as well. Dont start any relationships with them, but flirting will give confidence and help you heal.
scienceguy Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I was wondering if there were any ideas which would help me to realise this much faster? Or is it just going to hit me naturally? Having never been in this situation before I've just been surrounding myself with mates and talking things over with them for their experience/advice. Well, you'll probably experience it when you see her with another guy. Maybe you can talk to her too. But yah, brace for hell.
asuman Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I was wondering if there were any ideas which would help me to realise this much faster? Or is it just going to hit me naturally? Having never been in this situation before I've just been surrounding myself with mates and talking things over with them for their experience/advice. Well, you'll probably experience it when you see her with another guy. Maybe you can talk to her too. But yah, brace for hell. I don't know if mine is the right approach or not but I'm trying it. I'm forcing myself to picture her dating another guy. Instead of visualizing fantasies like her sitting there pining away for me like I am for her, which creates foolish hopes, I visualize her calling HIM, having dinner with him, kissing him, and just thinking of him. Instead of me. Sounds like torture? Well, it helps to understand how foolish I would look if I called her right now and said something emotional to her expecting a positive response. It keeps me from deluding myself into thinking that she really misses me. It hurts, but the sooner I feel this pain, the sooner I'll be over it. If I'm wrong? If she isn't seeing someone else and she really does miss me? She has my number. She'll call me. My expectations will be exceeded. But I'm not counting on it. I'm preparing myself to see her again some day when I'm over her.
Author jph26 Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Hey guys, Just wanted to say a massive thanks for the input and all the different views which have been shared. It has been a week with NC since the break-up, it hasn't been easy but talking over with friends really helps. First couple days kept checking her facebook and realised she was dealing with it a lot better than I was. Then two days back had a moment of clarity when I realised I've got plenty to look forward too. Stopped looking at her profile and anything to do with her. I've started to pick up my running and tennis again and started reading a book (which I haven't done in years!!) I have still yet to have the massive cry session yet. But expect the backlash to come over the next couple of days. I'm nearly there in realising it is over but I know it will take months to fully get over it. Thanks again. This forum has been more than helpful with advice and past stories.
Exit Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Good work. I too am reading books for the first time in years. I've been working out at home but thinking about joining a gym just to get out of the house a little bit. It sucks when you hurt so bad that you CAN'T cry. I try to set aside a night when I have nothing better to do, find some sad music to listen to, and force it out. Otherwise it just feels like a weight on your chest.
aboynamedmike Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Yea, reading is something new that i've done too But it seems like the key is to just keep busy. Enjoy your new freedom and do new things. I'm actually looking into pilates (i'm 20), but I've actually done a few videos off youtube and that stuff is so de-stressing, takes your mind of things, and is quite a work out!! I kinda wish there was a chat room on this site where you could talk 1 v 1 with people going thru similar situations instead of posting like this...anyone know of a place like this?
I_Wonder Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Sorry you're going through this. My ex broke things off with me after four years of being together. I was totally shocked and pissed. It seemed like he turned into a totally different person during his last year of college. It took me a while to even get to the point where I wasn't crying everyday. I just kept telling myself that he wasn't coming back even though I shouldn't have even wanted him back. One night I told myself that it wasn't meant to be and prayed about it. I felt so much better after that. The long days of crying were over. It took me a while to convince myself that he wasn't coming back. I still think about it every now and then when people talk about how NC will make him come running back or that guys coming back is inevitable. I tend to tell people that he is not coming back and I'm not looking for him to. Talking to family and mature friends who have been through a heartbreak or any other similar situation helps alot. I must point out that you must surround yourself with mature people who will give you sound advice. People who have not been in love will NOT understand what you are going through or are feeling. People that just say "o, forget about him/her" and leave it at that are not going to be very helpful. Going out will friends or someone from with opposite sex helps a lot too. It will help you realize that there is life and there can be fun without your ex. This will be a hard and long process but it does get easier with NC. Trust me, its been a little over a month since my break up and I'm already feeling 10x better. I hope this helps.
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