picklesnrootbeer Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 i know i need to be strong and not overdramatize this situation. i was willing to give him everything, but apparently my love was not returned. you'd think after two years, i'd have some clue he was not that into me. and thats okay, i give my love freely, but don't F***ING lie to me. how did the sweet and genuine love of my life come to be a weak sonofabitch and drag me under for almost a year because he lacks the balls to tell me he doesn't feel the same. so moving forward, i have these stupid minor details in my head about our relationship that are just nagging me to insanity. respiridol, anyone??? i am so torn between never speaking to him again and reaching out to him in some small way just to let him know i accept the facts he has placed before me and that i'm totally fine (and apparently a liar???). for one, my father ADORED him. and when i broke news of our split, my father was silent for a moment and said only, "that's really a shame." now, he has threatened his .22 on every other one of my suitors to date, approval or not. when they first met, my father turned his back on me and chatted with (douchebag) for nearly 3 hours, completely ignoring me. (mind you, my father lives very far away and has very rarely come to visit me, and only happened by this time when a flight was delayed.) so there they sat, seeminlgly alone at the bar, my father and (ex) bf chatting away merrily about cars, and planes, and boats, and religion, and ....it was amazing. next, is the tattos. i have two very memorable ethnic tatoos on my shoulders. he happens to be of this particularly unique ethnicity. and then there's the silence. the space in between us that resonates, that soothes and protects us. when we are alone in a room together, working companionably side by side, we speak volumes in silence. there is such a fullness to the air around us, and to know that only i feel it is crushing me. he dumped me, saying "i'm going through a real depression/i have nothing to offer you/my life is falling apart/i'm in a rut/wah wah wah", and then put the dog down....never even gave me a chance to say goodbye to my sweet sweet baby. the only dog i've ever allowed to share my pillow. i'm tortured by thoughts of him relishing in relinquishing me. i know he loved me, but it seems that he put up quite a charade for quite some time. f***ing weak. and yet, i cry, and i stay busy, and i cry, and i drink, then i sleep. now, i will sleep.
desertsun09 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Do you suspect there is someone else? The thing with the dog is just plain crazy.....so he didn't let you see it before he put it down? Terrible.
Author picklesnrootbeer Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 you know, i'd like to think say i knew for sure, but during the last fight we had he accused me of cheating on him...which could just be another product of his rampant insecurity - i'm a bartender - but also i understand that it's common for people who cheat to accuse the other party first~! so i don't really know. also, i saw his car last night, parked near some bars/restaurants - if he's so depressed, shouldn't he be home? how can i still be so in love with such an *******?
EmptyPromises Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 this was originally posted by nuala83..if you dont want to do no contact.. Here is my alternative advice to the no contact rule that you’ve probably heard mentioned a lot on this site. Now first of all I’m not berating the idea of no contact or anyone who wishes to follow that rule and I do believe that after a traumatic split a cooling off period is usually necessary. However I wanted to provide a different option for those who are looking for alternatives. A lot of it I think is just common sense but I’m posting it because I know there are a lot of people out there who are looking for advice on what to do after their breakup. There are also a lot of people who want to attempt reconciliation but don’t say so on the forum because they’re met with an “It never works” response. The following advice is not mine but a collection of snippets I’ve pasted together from various relationship books and websites I visited shortly after my break up. I wish I’d followed some of them not for reconciliation purposes but for preventing the further deterioration of the friendship which if reconciliation doesn’t work, you may want to salvage By the way, this advice is aimed at the person who was dumped and NOT the dumper. Also it’s really only valid to relationships that were otherwise relatively healthy and not to ones where there were major issues (cheating for example) involved in the break up. Let’s begin: Act Happy Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means that if you should bump into your ex or if they decide to call you, you put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else’s happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy. Stop reacting to their hostility It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it. The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behaviour and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. Try if you can to see their lack of interest in seeing you as freedom and independence. If they tell you you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally. Start dating You’re not exactly trying to make your ex jealous here and whatever you do you should never announce to them that you’re dating but eventually they’re likely to find out and that will send them the message that you’re over them and you’re moving on. If they find out that you’ve started to date (let me stress that you should also never ask one of your friends to casually mention it to your ex in the hope of making him jealous) they might just start to think again about their decision. Dating will make you appear desirable yet unobtainable and that may well stir uncomfortable feelings within them. Get out there and enjoy yourself It’s really tough after a break up not to shut yourself away from the outside world and dwell on your misfortune but you can’t do that forever because it will not attract back your ex (if that’s what you’re after), it wont make you desirable to anyone new, it will start to alienate you from your friends and ultimately you’ll end up feeling more miserable than before. Of course you’re gonna be sad. You’ll be sad for a long time after the split but don’t wear that face in the outside world. You have to be responsible for your own happiness and one of the best ways to do this is to get out there, be with friends and family, meet new people, take up some hobbies, whatever! It will improve your self esteem and if your ex was always blaming you for their boredom, now that excuse has been taken away from them. Stop needing them and fake indifference Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back. Scenario. They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell. Don’t call them At least don’t be the one to always initiate the calls. If they phone you it’s fine to answer and its fine to return calls but don’t be at their beck and call. Your ex might be happy for the two of you to slip into a friend relationship where they call you as much as they used to; you go out all the time but with none of the perks of a relationship. If that’s what you want, fine. If not, don’t settle. Depending on how much the two of you used to chat on the phone, cut it right back. If they’re calling every day of the week, only be available to talk once or twice a week and even then only for a short time. You can chat, be happy to hear from them and be interested in what they have to say but you have a life to lead so always be the one to wrap up the call with a simple “It was nice to hear from you but I’ve got to go” or “I’m just on my way out now, we’ll chat another time”. Something to that effect. If on the other hand they’re not calling you at all, just leave them be for the moment. In a few weeks if they’ve still not phoned, you might want to call them up for a quick chat to see how they are. Keep it brief and friendly and see how that goes. Stop telling them you love them When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them. Stop questioning them Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease. Stop criticizing and complaining Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticise. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time. Don't try to convince them to feel differently People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels. Don’t give off the impression that you’re waiting around If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring! Don’t bring up any relationship talk/break up talk As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them. Don’t argue Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticise, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop attacking! Try some new things If you’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut in your life, now’s the time to get out of it. One of the reasons your ex may have left you is boredom. Everyone has things they’ve been putting off doing or have always wanted to do but have never had the time. Now’s the time to take action. Now your partner has gone you probably have that extra bit of spare time to try some new things and show your ex that you’re not as boring and predictable as they thought you were. It could be anything at all. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to drive, or learn a language or visit some far flung city or take cooking lessons. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something you want to do. Your new found confidence that you’ve gained from your new skill/new experience will be alluring and you’ll find yourself having more to talk about which will make you more interesting too. Tantalise, reassure, and worry I got this tip from a really good break up book and I think it sums up everything I’ve just said perfectly. Tantalise them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalise means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalising them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realise you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cosying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away. Well that’s the end of my advice. Might I remind you it’s just my personal opinion/the acvice of others and I’m not trying to tell people this is what they should do. I also make no claims to guarantee this will work. Your course of action is up to you but if you’ve read this you probably want to reconcile (or you think my advice is a lot of BS and want to tell me so) and I wish you luck in your pursuit.
desertsun09 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Girl, I totally understand. I often wonder why I'm still in love with such a guy too. You should read my post: just search pregnant with ex-boyfriend's baby. It's like a bad Jerry Springer episode. No matter what, at least yours isn't that bad. LOL! Seriously, you deserve better. I hope you get some sort of resolution soon; and I hope for your sake its not cause of someone else....that is a killer! Take care, DS x
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