swan_song Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 So I kissed the guy at the end of our evening after chatting for 3-4 hours. He had indicated multiple times that he was interested in getting together again and we exchanged numbers. Finally, it was time to go and circumstances pushed us toward a goodbye kiss even though I felt it was somewhat premature. Given the timing, the kiss *was* awkward. I ended it rather abruptly simply because I was tired and did not really care to make out for the next 5 minutes. Now I feel like I should have taken off before that could happen. Of course, nothing to be done now. My question is, is awkward a total turnoff?? What are your thoughts on first kisses that just aren't that memorable? Are you any less interested in getting to know the person? Do you generally expect sparks on a first kiss? I tend to get really self-conscious about this kind of thing (and, yes, I realize that someone who would judge me harshly on such a factor isn't worthwhile in the long run). It seems, I guess, that you run the risk of ruining the wait with a not-so-great first kiss on the first date. But I would love to hear your thoughts.
OtherSide Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 How awkward on a scale of 1-10 is it? Did he hint that he wanted to kiss? For me, an awkward first kiss is a spoiler only if I: a.) drown in saliva b.) am disgusted in any ways c.) the girl makes some awkward statement Other than that, as long as my date has a nice personality and I really like her, I'll manage.
Author swan_song Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Yes, he made it very clear, except his timing was rather poor as I was dead tired and wasn't exactly feeling it at that moment. So, before anything really got underway, I abruptly ended the moment about 20 seconds into it saying that I had to go, but that I'd see him later. I think he looked amused. Me, I just felt a bit bad about possibly creating the impression that I brushed him off. I'd probably give it about a 6 with 10 being the most awkward. How awkward on a scale of 1-10 is it? Did he hint that he wanted to kiss? For me, an awkward first kiss is a spoiler only if I: a.) drown in saliva b.) am disgusted in any ways c.) the girl makes some awkward statement Other than that, as long as my date has a nice personality and I really like her, I'll manage.
OtherSide Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Well if you cut it off, i bet he was thinking: "WTF?! am I: a.) a bad kisser b.) not worthy of her attention c.) or does she think of me as just a friend now? So yeah. Next time hold the kiss longer.
Author swan_song Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Well if you cut it off, i bet he was thinking: "WTF?! am I: a.) a bad kisser b.) not worthy of her attention c.) or does she think of me as just a friend now? So yeah. Next time hold the kiss longer. Gotcha, thanks for the possible interpretation options! Sigh, as I said, timing was hardly ideal. I do think his reaction reflected a combination of amusement / taken aback a little. Nothing I can do about it now, obviously. With that said, I haven't exactly heard from him either and it's been a few days. Would it be silly just to send a text asking if he'd like to meet up for drinks during the weekend? Given how we parted ways, I have no idea if seeing him again would be awkward. Fyi, he's pretty much only in town for the next couple of weeks and we both know that neither of us are looking for anything in particular. It would just be for fun, although I'm not exactly looking to take him home either.
Author swan_song Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 It's fine that you were tired, but maybe make things less awkward next time & just go for it Show him you are great at kissing. Haha, thanks indeed I will, assuming there is a next time. Generally, I'm just curious if conclusive judgments are made after the first kiss... I have girlfriends who will almost go out of their way to kiss the guy just to verify whether the chemistry is there. And, for them, it's a dealbreaker if there's nothing there, which, to me, seems unfair, given that the first kiss CAN be awkward.
patcha Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 It is a deal breaker for some people. You'll have to contact him about getting those drinks to find out. Let us know how it goes. I've met people who were just going to be in town for a while as well. I had fun going out with them, brushing up on my people, and dating skills. I didn't take them home either. You'll always learn about something and improve yourself by getting to know various people. Win-win situation. Go for it.
Author swan_song Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 It is a deal breaker for some people. You'll have to contact him about getting those drinks to find out. Let us know how it goes. I've met people who were just going to be in town for a while as well. I had fun going out with them, brushing up on my people, and dating skills. I didn't take them home either. You'll always learn about something and improve yourself by getting to know various people. Win-win situation. Go for it. Haha, yeah, I'm not a particularly harsh judge, but years ago I kissed a guy who mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "AHOY!" (like a pirate) during the moment and I just wanted to run away. At any rate, it would be nice if he would get ahold of ME, seeing that his initiative would diffuse the slight embarassment I feel toward the incident... fyi, he's a friend of a friend, not a total random, so I don't exactly want everything reported back to my friend.
patcha Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Yeah. It will definitely be more comforting if he were to contact you. In this case, it could be that he feels embarrassed by the kiss too and may be thinking it's his fault. That's why he's not contacting you. You'd never know. I guess we're all afraid of things like this. No one budges, and then great people slip by, which we get over eventually, because there are so many great people in the world. What we don't get over are the "what ifs." Even if something negative gets back to your friend, your friend should be able to sympathize with you. That's what friends are for.
DarkestDreams Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 He might feel rejected since you pulled away so fast. Usually, when people do get rejected, they think of the absolute worst. He was obviously interested in you before the awkward kiss, so you can text/call/send smoke signals to suggest a next date. Just to show him that he's still in the game so to speak.
Author swan_song Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 He might feel rejected since you pulled away so fast. Usually, when people do get rejected, they think of the absolute worst. He was obviously interested in you before the awkward kiss, so you can text/call/send smoke signals to suggest a next date. Just to show him that he's still in the game so to speak. It's possible. I totally had an "oh ****" moment after pulling away, wondering if I had offended him yet hoping to avoid full blown awkwardness by addressing or apologizing for my abruptness. And then I wondered to myself if he thought I was an absolutely horrible kisser and was silently thinking "see ya." So I felt sheepish about that too. Anyway, but for the godforsaken kiss at the end, I knew he was without a doubt interested in seeing me again, and it was mutual, so it's bummy that I haven't heard from him. So, basically I should just send a casual text about this weekend?? Not a big believer in blanket rules, but, absent vast quantities of alcohol, I am the type who should probably avoid first date/encounter kisses. I tend to over think these situations in the initial stages and typically have a hard time going with the flow until I'm a little more comfortable with the person.
Author swan_song Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 Yeah. It will definitely be more comforting if he were to contact you. In this case, it could be that he feels embarrassed by the kiss too and may be thinking it's his fault. That's why he's not contacting you. You'd never know. I guess we're all afraid of things like this. No one budges, and then great people slip by, which we get over eventually, because there are so many great people in the world. What we don't get over are the "what ifs." Even if something negative gets back to your friend, your friend should be able to sympathize with you. That's what friends are for. Update. I found out from a mutual friend that the guy is newly divorced, as in, sometime within the last 6 months. Apparently the divorce occurred after less than a year of marriage. We're both young, under 30. Mutual friend basically advised me not to get in touch for now as he still has his issues... so, that's that. Not exactly the explanation I was expecting and, yup, I'm a little bummed, but I guess, on his end, there probably wasn't any real point in getting in touch with me at this point even if we did have fun. Sigh.
dgiirl Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 If he is newly divorced, from my own experience, I bet you it was extreeeeeeemly awkward for him. He was probably more worried about his own actions than anything you might have done. Don't worry about it. If your friend had not recommended leaving him alone, I would have suggested you get in touch with him to show him your interest and give him some reassurance. Guys sometimes need a little ego boost from us girls too. As it stands, he doesnt seem ready to date. Maybe in a few months you guys can make casual contact again.
Author swan_song Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 If he is newly divorced, from my own experience, I bet you it was extreeeeeeemly awkward for him. He was probably more worried about his own actions than anything you might have done. Don't worry about it. If your friend had not recommended leaving him alone, I would have suggested you get in touch with him to show him your interest and give him some reassurance. Guys sometimes need a little ego boost from us girls too. As it stands, he doesnt seem ready to date. Maybe in a few months you guys can make casual contact again. Makes sense. This is one situation in which I can't exactly put myself in the guy's shoes, but I can't imagine being ready to date 6 months or even a year after a divorce, even if the marriage was short-lived. I think I'm a little miffed that he would bother trying to ask me out, knowing his own baggage. And it is kind of a bummer b/c we had fun. I would not have guessed that he was recently divorced (obviously) and he never dropped any hints in that direction. I was actually inclined to ignore my friend's suggestion, however... it turns out she's also pretty good friends with the ex-wife AND one of the bridesmaids, so, it was a little more difficult to brush off the advice (she didn't say avoid him forever, just that I should wait). In fact, at that point, I just felt really weirded out and wanted to run for the hills
dgiirl Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I dont think there's really any reason to feel miffed. I mean, we all have a past. Perhaps you two are not at the same stage in life, and perhaps that might not make you guys compatible if you are not comfortable with his past, but I dont see any reason for you to feel miffed. By your own admission you were not looking for anything too serious, just a companion to hang out with for the next few days.
Author swan_song Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 True, fair enough So, contrary to my initial assumptions, it looks like it would be easy enough to see him again by way of mutual friends (for better or worse, he is not, as I had first thought, a total random) and he is actually in town fairly often. It's just the recently divorced aspect of his current state that I am less comfortable with, as I assume he needs much more time on his own to figure things out before he's even ready to date casually... if I am to be honest with myself, I am actually interested in getting to know him better, but I guess casual contact in a few months will be the best (and only?) way to go.
Author swan_song Posted June 28, 2009 Author Posted June 28, 2009 P.S. Dgiirl, apparently the divorce hasn't been finalized yet.
dgiirl Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Well, I'm biased as I'm divorced myself. I use to get offended when people would simply state "Never date a divorced person", as everyone of us has a past, and the older we get, the more experiences we will gather. We should be accepting others and their past, as one day, we could be judge ourselves. All of us handles breakups differently. And it really depends on this guys circumstances. I know of people who were ready to date right after separating because they did a lot of mourning during the marriage and came to terms with the end of their marriage quickly. Others, like myself, were completely blind sighted at the end of my marriage and I needed a lot of time before I was ready to date. I started dating my current boyfriend 2.5 years later, and I was still extremely insecure. But my guy is very understanding and simply took one day at a time with me. We've been together for 2 years now. There are zero guarantees with any relationship. It's good that you are cautious, as recently divorcee could be more flaky and might not be ready to date yet. On the other hand, his life experiences, what he has learned from his failures might make him the perfect mate for you. But you have to be honest with yourself. Are you looking for casual dating? Or are you looking for a relationship? If you truly are looking for casual dating, then like all casual dating relationships, you guard your heart a little more, you dont fall completely 100% head over heals, and you simply enjoy the moment. If, on the other hand, you are looking for a more committed relationship, and you dont want to take the risk of getting hurt, then maybe give him his space. Do you know any of the circumstances surrounding their divorce? Did he cheat? Did she cheat? Who left? Was it mutual? Are they going through an amicable divorce (as much as one can be) or are they being really petty and ugly over everything? Why is the friend of the wife warning you? Does your friend see a possible reunion between the two? Could you handle that?
The Blue Pill Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 I wouldn't let a bad first kiss turn me away from someone I liked. To be honest, my last 'first kiss' was funny in that she was wearing her retainer and the kiss was something that was spur of the moment. So weird, but cute in a way.
You'reasian Posted June 28, 2009 Posted June 28, 2009 Makes sense. This is one situation in which I can't exactly put myself in the guy's shoes, but I can't imagine being ready to date 6 months or even a year after a divorce, even if the marriage was short-lived. I think I'm a little miffed that he would bother trying to ask me out, knowing his own baggage. And it is kind of a bummer b/c we had fun. I would not have guessed that he was recently divorced (obviously) and he never dropped any hints in that direction. I was actually inclined to ignore my friend's suggestion, however... it turns out she's also pretty good friends with the ex-wife AND one of the bridesmaids, so, it was a little more difficult to brush off the advice (she didn't say avoid him forever, just that I should wait). In fact, at that point, I just felt really weirded out and wanted to run for the hills The only way to find out if someone is previously divorced is to ask or to check for marriage records or both, so this is an assumption at best. Wouldn't sweat it. Give the guy a good smooch next time and the two of you will be on the right track.
Author swan_song Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 Well, I'm biased as I'm divorced myself. I use to get offended when people would simply state "Never date a divorced person", as everyone of us has a past, and the older we get, the more experiences we will gather. We should be accepting others and their past, as one day, we could be judge ourselves. All of us handles breakups differently. And it really depends on this guys circumstances. I know of people who were ready to date right after separating because they did a lot of mourning during the marriage and came to terms with the end of their marriage quickly. Others, like myself, were completely blind sighted at the end of my marriage and I needed a lot of time before I was ready to date. I started dating my current boyfriend 2.5 years later, and I was still extremely insecure. But my guy is very understanding and simply took one day at a time with me. We've been together for 2 years now. There are zero guarantees with any relationship. It's good that you are cautious, as recently divorcee could be more flaky and might not be ready to date yet. On the other hand, his life experiences, what he has learned from his failures might make him the perfect mate for you. But you have to be honest with yourself. Are you looking for casual dating? Or are you looking for a relationship? If you truly are looking for casual dating, then like all casual dating relationships, you guard your heart a little more, you dont fall completely 100% head over heals, and you simply enjoy the moment. If, on the other hand, you are looking for a more committed relationship, and you dont want to take the risk of getting hurt, then maybe give him his space. Do you know any of the circumstances surrounding their divorce? Did he cheat? Did she cheat? Who left? Was it mutual? Are they going through an amicable divorce (as much as one can be) or are they being really petty and ugly over everything? Why is the friend of the wife warning you? Does your friend see a possible reunion between the two? Could you handle that? Hmm, I've deviated a little from my original topic, but thanks for all the responses, guys. Dgiirl, as aforementioned, I was just surprised by the divorce issue... being 26, I would not expect most of my peers to have gone through such heavy, heartbreaking experiences, hence my uncertainty. To add some contours to his divorce, from what I understand, it was his decision, no real ugliness, I get the sense that both jumped the gun in getting married within no more than half a year of meeting each other. It's definitely over. My friend's cautionary advice stems from her more conservative attitude toward dating generally. Also, I think she is more aware of the guy's general state of mind at this point, being decently good friends with the ex-wife; apparently he has a tendency to move a little too quickly and this would certainly not be the time for that.
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